1294684805_suri-cruise-290  Dear Katie Holmes,

I just saw an adorable shot (pictured
of your daughter shopping with
you in Vancouver last week. It must
be fabulous to be four and to be
allowed to try on such fancy footwear!
I, myself, am in my thirties, and barely
trust myself to wear a white shirt, so
you can imagine the jealousy involved
when I see your kid in an $800 pair
of Jimmy Choos!

Can I also address Suri’s outfit? On
the one hand, I must commend you
because it looks to me like something a
child might pick out for herself (as
opposed to the Miami Vice get-ups that
Shiloh supposedly selects at random from her closet on a daily basis)
. However, I also read that it was 35 degrees in Vancouver that day, so… maybe you could have steered her towards more weather appropriate attire? Although, I’m sure Suri knows best.

Here’s my real question: Do you think that I could live in this world that you’ve carved out for your daughter that’s filled with sparkly shoes and miniature ponies and pink frosted cupcakes flown in from Paris and black-tie-invite-only tea parties? It sounds magical. Who makes the rules? Strawberry Shortcake? Does the concept of “NO” even exist there? If not, than please please let me in for a visit. Just once, I too would like to get anything my little heart desires. And (write this down) I’d like “my little heart” to be a diamond encrusted vintage drop pendant designed by Harry Winston, ‘kay?

Seriously, Katie— I am so excited to see Suri grow up.  I’m sure she will be very impressive with her down-to-earth nature and her ironclad grip on reality. Although I’ve got one thing I think I should put out there. I’ve seen the billion and one pictures of Suri in her little toddler heels. (And they’re not weird at all!!!) And I know heels show off Suri’s million dollar attire best, but I think you might have to change it up a bit for the future of her feet. At age twelve, when Suri wakes up with the feet of a forty-year-old, her bunions are going to have a really hard time forgiving you. (But if you have some sort of magic bunion cream created by L. Ron Hubbard that is only available to friends and family of Victoria Beckham and Tom Cruise, than you are way ahead of me and feel free to proceed as planned).

OK- it boils down to this. I know I’m probably not welcome as a permanent resident in Suri-land. But at the very least, can you just buy those ridiculously fantastic shoes for me instead of your four-year-old?

I promise to take very good care of them.

Mommy Shorts

PS: Has Suri seen this doll pram?


Editor’s note: If you didn’t know it was Suri, how old would you think that woman in the upper right hand corner was? Also, heels or no heels, the girl is freakin’ adorable.