Dear Katie Holmes,
I just saw an adorable shot (pictured
left) of your daughter shopping with
you in Vancouver last week. It must
be fabulous to be four and to be
allowed to try on such fancy footwear!
I, myself, am in my thirties, and barely
trust myself to wear a white shirt, so
you can imagine the jealousy involved
when I see your kid in an $800 pair
of Jimmy Choos!
Can I also address Suri’s outfit? On
the one hand, I must commend you
because it looks to me like something a
child might pick out for herself (as
opposed to the Miami Vice get-ups that
Shiloh supposedly selects at random from her closet on a daily basis). However, I also read that it was 35 degrees in Vancouver that day, so… maybe you could have steered her towards more weather appropriate attire? Although, I’m sure Suri knows best.
Here’s my real question: Do you think that I could live in this world that you’ve carved out for your daughter that’s filled with sparkly shoes and miniature ponies and pink frosted cupcakes flown in from Paris and black-tie-invite-only tea parties? It sounds magical. Who makes the rules? Strawberry Shortcake? Does the concept of “NO” even exist there? If not, than please please let me in for a visit. Just once, I too would like to get anything my little heart desires. And (write this down) I’d like “my little heart” to be a diamond encrusted vintage drop pendant designed by Harry Winston, ‘kay?
Seriously, Katie— I am so excited to see Suri grow up. I’m sure she will be very impressive with her down-to-earth nature and her ironclad grip on reality. Although I’ve got one thing I think I should put out there. I’ve seen the billion and one pictures of Suri in her little toddler heels. (And they’re not weird at all!!!) And I know heels show off Suri’s million dollar attire best, but I think you might have to change it up a bit for the future of her feet. At age twelve, when Suri wakes up with the feet of a forty-year-old, her bunions are going to have a really hard time forgiving you. (But if you have some sort of magic bunion cream created by L. Ron Hubbard that is only available to friends and family of Victoria Beckham and Tom Cruise, than you are way ahead of me and feel free to proceed as planned).
OK- it boils down to this. I know I’m probably not welcome as a permanent resident in Suri-land. But at the very least, can you just buy those ridiculously fantastic shoes for me instead of your four-year-old?
I promise to take very good care of them.
Fondly,
Mommy Shorts
PS: Has Suri seen this doll pram?
Editor’s note: If you didn’t know it was Suri, how old would you think that woman in the upper right hand corner was? Also, heels or no heels, the girl is freakin’ adorable.
Holy crap. Suri wears nicer heels than me (duh). And she wears them all the damn time! Sadly she looks like a small 16 year old in the picture with the green purse.
She is all kinds of adorable and I too would love to live in her world, but wearing heels all the time is a bit ridiculous. I am so glad that we are poor so my kid doesn’t have any high expectations. LOL! I also don’t understand how the kid is never dressed according to the weather. Usually she is in a summer dress while everyone else is bundled up for the winter. Maybe Suri really does have some sore of superpowers.
She is so adorable! But hey, I’d hate to smash her little scientologist psyche with reality and or parenting. That would be immoral!
As for the shoes, I can only imagine how it is to be raised with no concept of money and no need to worry about it. I’ll wait in the line to take a ride on “Suri’s World” any day!!
Um listen, I KNOW Suri Cruise, and not only is she super nice, but she happens to have magical powers that allow her to wear heels on her undeveloped feet with no repercussions. So before you go judging people you DON’T KNOW, you horrible beautiful-child hater, take a look in that little shoe-store mirror (you know, the one that’s angled upwards that you can only see your feet in?) and check yourself.
-Diane, on behalf of Cat
I won’t wear heels unless absolutely necessary. Why would anyone choose to be in pain every time she takes a step? Someone seriously needs to say “NO” to this kid, SOON!
And I thought the shoes I bought for my kids were expensive. For $800, I could get them each about 6 pairs at Nordstrom.
Katie Holmes is a divorce away from being a mom on Toddlers and Tiaras. I mean, Suri is so cute and I don’t mean anything bad here..but..seriously. Stop projecting on your child!!!
Best part of the post: Who makes the rules? Strawberry Shortcake?
hahahahahaahHAHAHAHAHA
I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here. Katie is not to blame. It’s clear she hasn’t had one independent thought since she signed her life away in her contract with Tom. The culprit behind Suri’s fabulousness is the man who is living vicariously through her: her father. Oh how he wishes he could prance around in a pink skirted leotard over spandex, wearing sparkly heels. Alas, the administrators of his purification rituals at the Scientology center have labeled that strictly verboten. Prudes. So poor Suri is forced to wear her father’s dream attire while her mother smiles blankly, her soul retreating further into itself.
See? Crystal clear.
Well played.
I rewrote this post a thousand times for fear of CAT. You should have seen Draft #1. I would have been sued by Mr. Cruise himself after Cat forwarded it to his private email address that exists only for very close personal friends.
16 is generous. I was thinking an older Patricia Heaton.
Powers bestowed upon her by the late L. Ron Hubbard and his team of scientology shipmates or whatever they are called. Sea Orgs, I think? Clearly, Suri is from a universe far far away. I bet if I put those shoes on they wouldn’t be nearly as sparkly.
They should totally make a Suri Crise roller coaster ride at Great Adventure! You’d get makeovers while someone simultaneously gives you a scientology audit! And there would be a big flume drop at the end (did I mention it was a flume?) where everyone inside stays dry while the paparazzi watching gets all wet!
Kids shoes are expensive, right? I was shocked. And they last for about 5 months. Sigh.
Ha! The Strawberry Shortcake line replaced a line about people in Suri-Land whispering “discipline” like “cancer”. Thought it less harsh and once again I was SCARED OF THE CAT. Or scarred by Cat. Either/or.
Ummm, I don’t understand? Mazzy doesn’t have heels yet? Geez.
Reminds me of Toddlers and Tiaras show. Creepy. So funny…heard on some show/comedian…but watching Dawson’s Creek years ago, would you have ever thought Michelle Williams would end up being the serious actress and Katie Holmes would have become the loon. Same can be applied to thought in the 80’s that when you saw Michael Jackson and Prince for the first time, you would have never thought Michael Jackson would end up being the creepy one.
Dear Diane formerly known as Cat… Magical Powers? This is your defense of Suri? Really? Really? Let me tell you something about magical powers. I don’t have any, but I know several reputable Genies that do…
Ah…I kid because I love.
Seriously though, when I think of how much my tootsies (yes I’m from the 1940’s don’t judge) hurt after a day of heels, I honestly don’t have a clue how a small child could wear those things without negative repercussions. Suri, dear, you’re gonna have feet like my grandma’s from the old country for sure.
Hmm, this might make me sound like a criminal mastermind but, I’m thinking the Toddlers and Tiaras mothers would pay a pretty penny for a pair of customized Suri hand-me-downs. Now all I need is a plan. (Note to self: Contact Ilana when she returns from vacation to discuss new business venture.)
GAH!!! You’re right. I MUST get on that if Mazzy is ever gonna fit in in preschool.
You know, I think about this ALL. THE. TIME. Who would have thunk that Jen(!) would go the indie route? Dawson would be so confused. Speaking of Dawson confused— have you seen this? http://huff.to/hOR1hY
Oh geez. She really wears heels that much? WTH? My kid would live in Flip-Flops, even in the coldest weather we have in NC, which has been pretty dang cold of late. Wow. Such a shame. She is absolutely adorable, beautiful and looks like a mini-version of Katie, but man, she’s aged before her time. Now I’m off to check out the link to the Shiloh pics. Poor thing. She was so adorable … once.
i love LOVE this post. SOMEone had to write mrs. cruise a letter in response to her daughter’s wardrobe! you have such an eloquent way of saying it… and much nicer than most people would have been;) next: letter to mr. choo (well, ms. mellon) about toddler heels. will they also be $800?
Ha ha ha! LOVE this. I also want to visit Suri’s world. I love miniature ponies.
She is adorable. Especially since her parents look like siblings rather than husband and wife. I know I’ll be in no hurry to have Hannah look like she’s 20 when she’s only 4.
God, I hate kids.
Sorry.
I mean “she’s so adorable!”
But letting a little kid wear heels is so, so gross. I notice that Katie often wears flats.
I just added that in case Ms. Holmes herself was reading and was on the verge of some sort of silent scientology induced breakdown.
And the flats are because Tom Cruise is short. So so short.
One thing – is she wearing, like, a onesie over her leggings? Because that looks really odd to me. And uncomfortable. Because you know how four year-olds are. They wait til the last second and then they have to pee – it’s an EMERGENCY – and how is she supposed to get out of THAT get-up?
I have a little post up today where I make fun of Tom Cruise. Lori from Martha Points said I should stop by and read your Suri post.
The child wears heels more often than I do! Do you think they must have heels custom made for her?
I’m not sure if I know how to respond to this since it more insightful and better written than my original post.
Best comment ever?
I’m on it. As soon as they let me into Suri-Land, I’m stealing shoes. We’re gonna make a killing!!!
And I wrote a post a couple of days ago that has the word “tootsies” in it so I will be joining you in the old country.
If only these kids weren’t constantly dressed for photo ops they might MIGHT have a shot a normalcy.
Scratch that. Angelina & Brad? Tom & Katie? No shot whatsoever.
There was a much crueler version that I rewrote. On the off off chance that Mrs. Cruise read it herself, I didn’t want to be partially responsible for her inevitable breakdown. Because you KNOW, it’s coming…
I’m most excited about the hourly appearances of unicorns and rainbows! Cause there’s got to be, right?
They do look alike. Unfortunately, people say that about my husband and me as well!
I DO NOT know how four-year-olds are but
I trust that you do! I’ll add the onesie to what I’m sure will be a growing list of oddities.
I imagine they have EVERYTHING custom made for her.
Going over to check out your post now!
yup, so funny
Of course this is the scientology dress code for girls – it’s just another way the flock can identify one another.
I hadn’t considered that. Maybe I’ll put Mazzy in heels and test this theory out. I hope parents are allowed on the private jet when she gets swept away for a play date in Paris with Suri!
I would totally put my now 7 month old in those clothes in 3 years if I had the means and if people didn’t judge.
Her clothes are adorable. Her feet are in TROUBLE.
Jen C’s comment has me ROLLING. I agree completely. Tom’s the one behind all this. Fantastic post.
😉
erin margolin
@ErinMargolin
You are just so so right about this.
Can’t wait for her Autobiography one day 🙂
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