Two weeks ago we got a pop quiz from someone who is currently pregnant with their second child, last week we heard from a mom who is "one and done" and today we're getting advice from a mother who advocates having THREE.
Her name's Margaret but you should call her the Short Fat Dictator. (Her twitter handle is @shortfatdict which should tell you everything you need to know about our brand new friend.)
I had the honor of sitting next to Margaret at a Blogher dinner where she told me that having two kids was easier than having one.
WHAT????!!!!
Not once had anyone told me such a thing.
And then Maragaret explained that the more children you had, the more likely you could run a successful clothing company from your basement.
How awesome! I've always wanted to have my own fashion label!
So we spent the next few hours discussing child labor loopholes and sewing machine age restrictions and the least amount of sunlight needed to insure good health.
It was a very productive dinner and by the end, I was practically impregnated.
That conversation may or may not have happened. But Margaret really does advocate growing your brood. Or perhaps she is just trying to reassure herself that getting pregnant with her third child in four years is a good idea.
Of course it is!
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Are you thinking of having a third child? Congratulations! I’m thrilled for you.
Though I feel I should warn you that others may not be as accepting of your chosen reproductive plan. Some of your friends and colleagues may warn you that having a third child is a bad idea. They will tell you that a third child means you are technically one hand short when it comes to wrangling your offspring. They will scold you on the environmental impact of your decision. They may speak in dark tones and use words like “tuitions” and “mini-van”.
But, I am here to urge you to ignore the naysayers and take the plunge!
And I’m not just anyone giving you this go-ahead. I speak as a woman who has made the ill-advised life choice of having three kids in under four years! (OK, technically this is only an ill-advised life choice in progress, as Baby #3 is due in February, but still – heed me!)
In fact, so committed am I to the joys of producing multiple children in close succession that I’ve chronicled the many upsides of this plan in handy list form!
Please enjoy:
1) THE VALVE SIBLING: As one of three sisters, I’ve found that having a third sibling serves a simple but profound diplomatic purpose. Simply put, when one of my sisters gets on my nerves, I find it invaluable to have another sister to complain to. It takes the pressure off the one-on-one relationship, hence the term “valve sibling”.
2) YOU’RE ALREADY DOING IT: When you are already a parent of a young child, the truth is that adding another child to the mix just isn’t that difficult. You’re already changing diapers, wiping noses, and heating up chicken fingers all day long. Throw another child into the mix and you’re just doing a little more of it. When you go from zero children to one child, you give up a lot. You’re sacrificing things like your freedom, your ability to be spontaneous, and your personal sanity. But once you’ve walked into that fire, the worst that can happen is it gets a little bit hotter.
3) YOU NO LONGER NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY: And by this I mean that having a third child will free you from any concerns about what to do with your disposable income. Because, with the USDA estimating the cost of raising a child to 18 at $170,406, you won’t have any. So go ahead and cross that off your list of concerns!
4) THEY ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER: The Holy Grail of multiple siblings is that eventually, if you can make it through those fraught early years, there awaits you the nirvana-esque payoff of SIBLING PLAYTIME in which:
– They will chase each other about the yard merrily!
– They will spend time playing together with trains and dolls while you get chores completed!
– They will even, occasionally, keep each other occupied long enough for you and your significant other to enjoy a cocktail or two!
And it is awesome.
Of course, they will also fight like meth-fueled maniacs about a whole list of things that will never make a lick of sense to you. But we’re not going to speak about that right now, because we are trying to keep it positive here, OK?
5) IT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT The truth is there is no good reason to have any number of children. Children are hard work, they rob you of many of the things that make life enjoyable, and they often aren’t all that rewarding on a daily basis. But from my experience, they are kind of the whole point of living, and once there’s one of them around and you’re living in the chaos of it all, there just might as well be a couple more.
I’ve never been the type to tiptoe slowly into the water — I’d rather dive into the deep end all at once and get it over with. So, with that said, I guess now I’m just trying to keep my head above water and then every once in a while take a moment out to enjoy the swim.
How many children do you have? How many would you like to have? Are you buying this "more is easier" business?
I want to buy into the idea, because I’d hate to think that my son might grow up sibling-less. When I was a kid, I only knew of ONE person who was an only child. It was natural for people to have 3, 4, 5 kids then. I wish it was the same now. The more the merrier I say. Great post, Margaret!
From the woman who still only has one child….so far.
I have to agree that going from 1 to 2 was actually easier. We already knew what we were doing (sort of). And #4 on this list is the biggest benefit – they play with each other! The jury’s still out on whether going from 2 to 3 is easier. It certainly helps that the older 2 are old enough to help take care of the baby.
Great post!
I have 2 yr old b/g twins and I personally think I got off EASY! I have no idea how anyone has a second (or third) child. I might have had it hard the first few months, but now I have it easier. They always have someone to play with all day, every day…All you with more than 1 had to do the sleepless night WITH A TODDLER to take care of the next day! You have my “attaboy”. I have thought about having a 3rd to see what it would be like to: only nurse one child (at a time), not measure 55 weeks day of delivery, focus on 1 child at a time, have a smaller stroller…but that will probably not happen. I do have 2 amazing twins. Oh and then there is the “what if I have twins again!”, and yes…how do you with more than 2 handle being out numbered?
Oh not to mention it being an almost must to move to the dreaded SUBURBS!! ahhhhhh
Jennifer
nicandkate09.blogspot.com
Love this! I’m a mom of four but one is a baby and the other three are 7-11. I really agree with this! I have much more free time as my three are joined at the hip and have a great dynamic that simply wouldn’t be there if there were only two. I find myself wondering how much more difficult it will be as this guy grows up as the lone sibling. I honestly feel like it will be more work. That said, I’m not crazy enough to go for five….I don’t think. 😉
i will be the voice of not buying it. i am one and done. for a number of reasons, some of them extremely personal/fertility issues. but i was the last of 4, and we were so spread apart i never played with my siblings (closest was 5 years older than me) so it really was like i was an only child. i made great friends that were like siblings. so i don’t believe in the “friend forever” hype, that is certainly not the case all of the time.
Once the baby is sitting independently, two kids ARE easier than one. One day when my boys were 2½ and 6 months, I heard them both giggling madly from the other room. “We’re playing ‘knocking down the objects,’ ” the toddler says. “He’s the object, and I’m the knocker-downer.” They were busy building their relationship with each other, and neither one has needed my total, undivided attention since then.
Did my husband pay you to write this? Seriously. Was there an exchange of money? We are deep in the heated debate over whether to have #3 (he is pro and I’m…just…terrified) and I must admit, you make some convincing arguments…
I have three boys, 6,5,and 3 and I love it! Everyone told me I was nuts to have them so close together, but I always wanted a large family and, like everything else I do in life, I jumped into it with both feet and a huge splash. I was an only child and I hated not always having someone to share Christmas, birthdays, and everyday with. The best description of going from two kids to three I was ever given is this : You go from a man to man defense to a zone defense. I don’t expect them to be best friends for the rest of their life, but I do hope that if they ever need each other, they will be there for the one in need. And yes, I would love to have a fourth 🙂
Buffy,
Can you give me more advice I am an only child myself and have 3 boys myself ,4,3, and a one month old. Having a hard time adjusting because I think my family thinks I’m struggling I don’t know if it has to do with me being an only child or what
She is absolutely right. It does get easier after the first one, I have three kids ages 2, 4, and 6. It seems like we’re scheduled every two years to have one. Hmmm I guess that means we’re pass due for baby #4….
I had 3 kids in 3 years, and it does make it a little easier. The older 2 are one year and two days apart and they play together all the time. It gives me time to focus on the baby (who just turned 1, so he’s really not a baby anymore). They also tell on each other, so even if I didn’t see something happen, I can figure out who did it. I think it’s great that my kids can support each other and play together and even call each other out when they misbehave. 3 is the perfect number of kids for me.
I had 2 kids in under 2 years.
The years until your youngest is 2.5yo pretty much suck. You look like shit, your house looks like shit, you’re covered in shit.
Then – all of a sudden – everyone is talking and walking and playing with each other instead of clinging to you like angry barnacles.
Then they’re all potty trained and VOILA! they all are at school for some length of time.
So it gets easier, faster.
For me, I have fertility issues and it was a shock to get preggo with #2 so quickly. But it was like pulling off one of those industrial Band-Aids: it totally hurts like hell at first, but if you do it fast and furious, the bad part is over quickly. Then you heal.
So, yeah. I break up brawls and was drowning in diapers for years. But now I have kids who play with each other so I can do super fun things like wash a million dishes a day and fold a thousand little t-shirts. Weee!!
If I had one kid, I’d probably feel a lot guiltier ignoring him than I do ignoring my 2-pack of offspring who have each other to torture.
Or else, he’s likely just watch a lot of tv. Cause I’d still have laundry and dishes to do.
I have two and I fully agree that it is easier than one! They have been keeping each other entertained since the youngest was 9 months old. Whole hours will go by without my having to play barbies. It has been FANTASTIC.
I’m about to have my second in February-2012. I actually didnt want kids but after I had my first my mind changed so fast. I now want 3 kids. I’m half way there! LOL!
I’ll never forget a friend telling me after announcing his wife’s 3rd pregnancy, “Now we’re going to be mathematically outnumbered.”
Of course, they’re now pregnant with #4, so either those odds worked out well for them or they’re not very good at maths. Did I mention this was also an ex-boyfriend? Dear God, that could’ve been me popping out four babies…
Still, as a member of the [Most Likely] One and Done Club, I thought this was a great post. Funny, but also insightful. I especially love the way you wrapped it up with the swimming analogy. Even with just one, I often feel like I’m trying to keep my head above water. I need to take time out to enjoy the swim more often.
I love shortfatdict and that’s not a euphemism for anything.
I hope she remembers meeting me, b/c I gushed all over her, ( and I don’t drink).
She is the best.
And I had 3 b/c , simply, my life and heart felt unsatisfied with 2.
But 3, 3 felt like home.
Let the sappy begin! I’m 6 months in to my 3rd pregnancy and can’t imagine my life with out the first two. It boiled down for three (and possibly four some day) that our lives and family didn’t feel complete with out them. Does that mean I don’t have days where I wonder what the heck I did will the third impending bundle of joy has yet to arrive? I certainly do! Does this mean I’d never consider a fourth? Nope. Then again I come from a family of 15 kids, so I may not be the most sane judge. 🙂
Zero, and aware of the point you made that in going from zero to one you give up lots. Would like to have another golden retriever. More is easier? Maybe in opposite land, but I’ll keep following to see how it works out for you. The one argument for more that does make sense is that they entertain one another – but this seems like a good argument for getting another dog too.
As the mother of three, I have to say you’ve covered all the bases.
As a parent of more children than are advisable, I say, Brava Short Fat Dictator!
I’ve got my 4 under 7 (but it was 4 under 5 for a bit) and it’s insane. As well as great. And also exhausting. While being invigorating!
In short, lovean oxymoron? Have more kids. And she’s right, there’s not good damn reason to have any, so just have as many as you like. You have my permission everyone. From zero to 50. (Fifty, good Lord, what would that tired uterus look like?)
Didn’t want one, definitely didn’t want two. In fact, I detested kids for many years. Until one day I was hit over the head with a proverbial baby fever club. I was pregnant within the month. Had the second because as a kid, I was lonely at home and wanted my daughter to have someone else besides us as close family after we were gone. Less than two years apart, they fought like crazy as teens, but as grownups, they are friends and are there for each other. Having two takes the focus off the single one, who tend to believe they are the center of the world, and lets the parents ease off on the hovering. Lived it, saw it in other parents.
I was done with two, no question for me at the time but I can understand the desire for more. I had regrets years later that I had had my tubes tied and might have had another one then if not for that. Who knows.
Anyhow, you do what feels right for you at the time. That’s all you can do. Go with your instincts.
I fear that after putting it out there that three children is a great idea that things will inevitably fall to pieces! My aunt once wrote a book all about the joys of marriage and motherhood only to have her marriage fall apart shortly after publication. She ended up titling her follow up, “Disregard First Book”. Hopefully I can avoid a similar fate!
@Alexandra – I remember you MORE than fondly and am now a complete devotee of your blog!
Loving all the comments.
I have four kids, ages (nearly) 6 to six months. Four, so far, is a lot harder than three. But it’s mostly because it’s just exhausting to take them anywhere. It’s awesome to have two little teams, though. I wouldn’t change it, for sure. But I might be crazy.
I’ll jump in and agree that for me, 2 has been easier than 1. They’re 5 and 1 and still, they’re best friends. I mean honestly, once you’re a parent, you’re a parent. What’s one more? It’s nothing compared to the first one!
Not…that my son is nothing. Crap. Don’t ever tell him I said that, ok? He’s not nothing. But he is a lot easier on mommy than his sister was!
And I’ll go out on a limb and say: however many kids you end up with, you’ll always believe that number is the right amount. Right? Even when our kids are accidents, catastrophic “i cannot do this, there’s no way i can handle another one” accidents, do any of us really regret them once we have them?
If you do, you might not want to admit to it publicly. 😉
I’m a mom of three. It’s great. Now that they’re all in school every morning. Seriously, when they were 4, 3, and an infant, I thought we’d lost our minds. Now we love it.
Three works so well that I’m feeling the pull of a fourth. Kind of. Sometimes.
I have only two but I always wanted a third and your post reminds me exactly why.
I think it’s wonderful. Really. I don’t think you’re crazy at all.
And I’m not even being sarcastic (which is unusual for me).
Good luck with your trio of babies.
Lucky, indeed.
we have three, and we are on baby watch b/c if the phillies win the world series my huz has agreed to a fourth.
(our third kid was born almost exactly 2 years ago, and is named cole, just fyi)
We are the couple that prayed for baby number two then during labour (which was horrific) I said we are DONE and six months later my husband took permanent measures. Despite my own fertility issues whicj made baby three that much more unlikely, didn’t want to take the chance! But I think it is complicated and individual to decide … in our case factors are my aforementioned conception issues, my age, us liking our hoyse/vehicles and my ability to work part time (if we had another would need full time work as would need bigger house and car!). Having no grandparents/family to help and a hubby that travels – I just got in shape after years of having no time for me, our days are a perfect balance of work/school, extracurriculars, and family time, and my two kids have a wonderful dynamic! Plus we are Godparents to my friends crew, which grew from 1 to 3 in four years, meaning we potentially could have five kids to raise except we have now forbidden her and her hubby to ever be in same place together to avoid that happening ( nevermind baby four!) lol!
If she really wrote a book and called it that then your aunt is BRILLIANT! Thanks for my morning coffee snorting laugh!
as my brother wisely said, with one at least one of you (the parents) gets a break, you can leave and do things on the weekend by yourself, with two, you need two sets of hands to help. it gets a lot harder to leave because they are so crazy, at least with boys he said. so i’m sticking with one and done, mama needs a massage.
I’m going to have to disagree and say that since two was SO much harder than one, I cannot even begin to fathom three. Ours are now 8 and 10. As it turns out, they don’t play together much, mainly they fight. “Doing things with the kids” becomes a teeth-grinding exercise in Making it Exactly Even or suffering the consequences. Spending the day with either one solo is lovely, spending it with two is hellacious. And let me not even start on the “car chess” required to get two kids to two different soccer leagues, music lessons, brownie meetings, and other enrichment activities in between homework and playdates and music practice and remembering how to read. Just because you feel up to three babies does not necessarily mean you want to handle three elementary school students. And we’re not even in middle school yet, eek!
But I’m sure yours will be lovely. Some of them are. 🙂
I always dreamed of three, but having our first took four years, we were veryvery lucky to be able to become pregnant with what will be our second child. However, I am OLD OLD OLD and if we had a third, I would be 40 at the earliest. Which is not something that sounds that a great idea to us. But we’ll see.
Celia for the record I turned 40 in September. OLD OLD OLD is right. As I enter the third trimester I’m feeling every year!
but I was very dizzy if they have 3 children in my house, where all were little, my son aged 10 years and under. then what should be the way I deal with my son so as not to create chaos? who can make me relax
I have three girls, and after number two was CONVINCED I was done for two years, and then I relented temporarily, and VOILA number three came along. We have NO regrets, even when I am on my own with them. Age gaps make a HUGE difference, too, my older two were 5 and 3 when #3 was born. Now they are 7,5, and 2, and there is a lot of fighting, but there is also a lot of playing nicely together, a lot of fun all together, and a lot of great family time all together. The one thing that you didn’t mention, was that you have a “baby” for longer. If I only had 2 kids, I would be all alone while my kindergartener was at school. Now I have a 2-year-old for “company.” I do find that we end up splitting up more and my DH ends up doing more since #3 was born, but that is good for him. It has made us a better family, I think.