This past weekend Mazzy and I were sick at home while Mike was away for a bachelor party in Miami. Feel free to reread that last sentence again so you can feel especially bad for me. But stop short of tears because I also happen to live near my mother (aka Grammy)— a woman who jumps at the chance of spending time with her daughter and grandchild, even if we are hacking a collective lung and buried in a mountain of snotty tissues.
Grammy arrived bright and early Saturday morning, soup in hand, cough drops at the ready, looking for things to clean. She is SUPERMOM. Always has been. She spent the weekend entertaining Mazzy while I napped, changing diapers the second a hint of wetness was detected and making sure "footsies" were covered at all times ("The floor is SO COLD!!!").
Plus, because Mazzy now has a rather large vocabulary, Grammy began to employ a parenting technique I remember from when I was little— she spells things that she does not want the little people to understand.
The only issue with this technique is that even though I am no longer a little person, I still have no idea how to decipher what she is saying. Somehow through four years of Honors English, graduating college at the top of my class (well, I would have if it wasn't for that one Art History class) and fifteen years as a full fledged working adult, I NEVER DEVELOPED THE ABILITY TO SPELL IN MY HEAD.
Even crazier is that I did not know about my deficiency until this past weekend. (Why would I?)
CONVERSATION BETWEEN MYSELF & GRAMMY
Note: Please imagine that every time you see a word spelled out below, it is said at such warp speed that no brain could possibly keep up with it. Least of all mine.
GRAMMY: I put the P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S in the C-A-B-I-N-E-T.
ME: Huh?
GRAMMY: I put the P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S in the C-A-B-I-N-E-T.
ME: Wha??
GRAMMY: The P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S were out on the C-O-U-N-T-E-R so I—
ME: Mom! I have no idea what you're talking about.
GRAMMY: Well, if you think P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S are something Mazzy should E-A-T at—
ME: EAT? Why are you spelling EAT? Can Mazzy not hear the word EAT now?
GRAMMY: Eat is fine. I just thought P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S were off limits at B-R-E-A-K-F-A—
ME: Mom! You're spelling too fast!!!
GRAMMY: "B—R—E—A—K—F—A—S—T."
ME: Still too fast!!!
GRAMMY: B——–R——–E——–A——-K——–F——–A——–S——–T.
ME: Breakfast? You're spelling BREAKFAST? Mazzy is allowed to know it's breakfast.
GRAMMY: I was more C-O-N-C-E-R-N-E-D with the P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S.
ME: Are you just F-U-C-K-I-N-G with my now???
Note: The above was said in my head only. In reality, I just stood there staring like Kim Kardashian faced with a complex calculus equation.
GRAMMY: If Mazzy sees the P-R-E-T-Z-E-L-S on the C-O-U-N-T-E-R, she's going to want them instead of her Y-O-G-U-R-T and then B-R-E-A-K-F-A-S-T will be completely—
ME: MOM! I can't spell in my head. I can spell on paper but for some reason I just don't possess the same ability in my head.
(Prolonged look from my mother)
ME: What? You don't think I can spell on paper either? How would you be able to— GASP! My blog! You've noticed spelling mistakes on my blog!
(Silence)
ME: Whatever. I still have no idea what you are talking about.
GRAMMY: "P———-R———E———T———Z———-E———L———-S."
ME: "Oh!!! Pretzels!!!! You're talking about PRETZELS!!!"
MAZZY: "Pretzels! I want PRETZELS!!!!! PREEEEETZEEELSSSS!!!!!!!!!
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One more reason I will never be a S-U-P-E-R-M-O-M.
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I had the worst day ever and your post cheered me up to no end. I am smiling for the first time today. Thank you so much, Mommy Shorts.
Hahahaha. I especially love that she spelled C-O-U-N-T-E-R. Clearly a key word that would’ve tipped Mazzy off to the whole pretzel scheme.
I think your mom is screwing with you. Also, are pretzels bad for breakfast? Crap. I guess I’m no Supermom either.
Hahaha – Love that very, very much.
I’m starting to spell a lot these days and I know I’m starting to sound like my grandmother. She spelled out things in front of me until I was 16, I’m sure of it.
Oh-so-funny, loved this.
Can I borrow your Mom by the way? I’ll take her for a weekend even if she does spell fast.
I cannot spell to save my life. Imagine me having this conversation with your mom! Feel better by tomorrow.
HYSTERICAL.
I can’t spell out loud. In fact, I think the problem is that I try to do it too fast. So in order to spell out something in front of my kid, I’m gonna have to say it into my hand or draw it in the air with my finger like one of those kids in the National Spelling Bee.
Ah ha ha, your mom is A-W-E-S-O-M-E. I have no problem spelling in my head, but it does get tough when the words are long. My husband Luke has started spelling totally unnecessary words around Mango, like “I’m thinking of going to the D-E-P-O-T” (as in Home Deppot), as if Mango gives a S-H-I-T.
ACK – feel better!
I am not seeing how something like regular toast is any more nutritious than p.r.e.t.z.e.l.s.
Did I ever tell you about my sister inlaw who had a fight with me about my kids eating birthday cake for breakfast and then gave her kids frosted poptarts?
Laughing because my eight year old now does this to me all of the time so her 2 year sister doesn’t know what we are talking about. I just nod my head like I know what she is talking about because an 8 year old can spell wicked fast and her 43 year old mommy is still trying to process G-U-M.
This is right on – I still spell stuff sometimes. Often I spell it so fast that it’s just a jumble of letters, and then I look derisively at my husband, not understanding how he didn’t just *get it* – I mean, come ON.
So impressed that you pounded this out despite the loss of lung tissue.
Hilarious. My daughter often whines “I want to go to xkuyt!” Even though she can’t spell she has figured out that if we spell it it must be something good.
That is hilarious! Love it 🙂
For us, the big one is “M-I-L-K”. I think they should develop a Milka-holics Anonymous group, Rebecca would be running it…
ROFL, that’s awesome! 😀
My super-mom is here too and it is the best thing ever! We do not live as close – about 11 hours flying time away – but being super mom she manages to find time to come here, spend time with my two-year old and even throw him a birthday party at home with 8 kids!!! I just hope that I can be half as good as she is…
Oh, this is so funny! I have always been spelling challenged. Hubby laughs at me when I try to spell out words. And I will admit it is comical. However, our little one is learning to spell, so this technique usually is not worth the trouble. 😉
Thanks for a good laugh this morning! 🙂
I will never forget the day that we realized we had been underestimating our Cherubs.
I was all, “I need to stop at T-O-Y-S-R-U-S.”
My groom was like, “I’ll keep the K-I-D-S-H-E-R-E.”
Twin A, who had been watching the exchange like it was a ping-pong match, pipes up with, “Nooooo! I’m comin’ to da toy store tooooooo!”
Game. Set. Match.
(I totally need to blog this. Thanks for the prompt. Will give you props.)
I’m laughing because I just had the EXACT SAME WEEKEND! Except I wasn’t sick. Unless you count the massive hangover I had on Saturday after accidentally getting completely housed the night before.
This weekend we spelled K-I-L-L, S-N-A-C-K, Y-O-G-U-R-T, and A-S-S, among others. And I had issues with all of them – even A-S-S. But again, I must reiterate that I was H-U-N-G-O-V-E-R – that has to count for something. Right?
And WHY was your mom spelling ‘counter’?
Also? I can do #’s 243, 246, and 249. But I cannot do #251.
Love it! And pretzels are bad for breakfast? Don’t tell your mom we gave Jack Coke and Fruit Loops while on vacation last week. Oh and Halloween candy is totally allowed for the next 2 weeks. for breakfast.
That was H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. And yes, I am an awesome paper-speller too, but cannot for the life of me spell in my head. It must be the same brain muscle that works for Word Scrambles too, because I suck at those.
Ooooohhhhh now I want pretzels, too!
This reminded me of last New Year’s when my mother-in-law spelled out C-A-K-E when asking if we were going to bust it out before midnight…
We all died laughing when she realized she was in front of a 13, 11, 10 and 8 year old all of whom were perfectly capable of understanding the word cake when it’s spelled out.
No offense.
Stinks that you were all sick – well, you and Mazzy. Not the husband in Miami. I bet he was “sick” when he got home – too much alone time.
Mr. Kiss can not do the spelling game. Fast or slow, he alwasy fucks it up.
My boys are too old for this trick now, so we just have to cover their eyes and quickly mouth words. It’s like being in the FBI.
Laughed until I cried…LITERALLY! I needed that today. AND I would like to borrow your Mom. Mine lives too far away and I can’t seem to convince her to move in with us.
mine are getting to old too, so we spell backwards which is not as easy as it sounds to decipher. well, at least for me.
Oh goodness, I can’t stop laughing! I’m sitting in my office doing my darnest not to laugh out loud and it’s really hard! You totally brighten up my day. This is exactly what I needed on this crazy, stressful Monday. Good thing I decided to peek in here. H-A-H-A-H-A-!
This post was H-A-L-A-R-I … I mean H-I-L-A-R-E-E … I mean … fuck it. I can’t spell either. Fortunately it is not needed, as we have taught her early and apparently quite well how to ignore us. Actually when my oldest was three, my mother in law said ” Oh, looks like someone is T-i-r-e-d” to which my wee one immediately replied ” I am not tired grandma!” to our jaw dropping disbelief. Not because we were impressed by her mad skills, but because we then knew our “code” was f-u-c-k-e-d. And enter former point re: getting her to ignore us whenever we speak.
sooo funny!!
Oh, that was funny.
Perfect list!! Especially smelling poop, I have totally judged moms who let their kid stink up the place walking around with shit pants, while the mom talks with her friends and pretends she doesn’t smell it….
Oh, I do this! And my husband does the, “Wha??” and then he gets it and says it out loud and then the tantrum ensues! Even my 10yr old spells around his sister!
Nothing makes me happier than brightening your day:)
Can you believe what went down with that twitter lady? Some people really have no sense of humor. Or I don’t, apparently.
I think she’s showing off. I swear at one point she spelled “addictive”. After asking her to translate, I was like— Mom. I really don’t think Mazzy knows what ‘addictive’ means.
My grandparents used to speak Yiddush when they didn’t want us to understand. Worked around the grown-ups too.
Are you paying for her flight to Malaysia? Because I swear, she would come.
I can spell out loud but I cannot follow other people spelling out loud. Kind of like how I can speak french (or at least I could when I was 16) but I couldn’t understand a word of it.
Ha! My mother spelled EVERYTHING. Half the words I’m sure Mazzy doesn’t even know and most of them were totally benign. Breakfast, mom? Really?
I’ll tell you that my daughter sees a difference. I think it’s the salt. Mazzy likes toast and will eat it but pretzels drive her into a crazy addictive rage. Plus she wants all the pretzels to be “a big one” which means “not broken” which causes REAL PROBLEMS. Sometimes there really aren’t many and she doesn’t understand why I’m not giving her what she is asking for.
Oh my god, I see this coming. Mazzy and my mother spelling to each other so that I don’t understand what they are saying!!!
Thank god I’m not married to your husband. We would fail at parenthood entirely.
Ha! Love it. I’m just going to start using random letters with confidence to confuse my mother.
I am convinced that Mazzy is drinking way too much milk. It ruins her appetite and it makes for a not so solid poop. Probably more than you needed to know. But Rebecca is not alone.
I will never be as good a mother as my mother. That’s a fact.
How awesome that your mom flew all that way to take care of your kid’s birthday party. Lucky you!
I was wondering how long this will be effective and then i thought— well, I guess it still works on me so….
Oh no. Parental Innocence Lost! Can’t wait to read it.
I’m reasonably good at 241 and 249.
At least A-S-S is something you SHOULD spell! Hope the hangover is over…
My 10-year old spells out all the juicy no-nos in front of my 5-year old. Now he just asks, “Mom, can I have some C-A-N-D-Y?” That’s what he calls it: “C-A-N-D-Y.” I don’t think he realizes that the rest of the world calls it “candy.”
Dying over here.
I swear, your posts are getting more and more brilliant.
Having kids: definitely good for you.
This was great.
Thank you.
And now, I’m going to go shut my blog down
( I kid, I kid…ox)
Oh man, milk. Tell me about it. EB can’t say it yet, but she can sign it. So it looks like she’s milking a bunch of cows till she gets it. And would rather have it in a bottle, not a sippy. Another way I’m not earning points toward Supermom-ness.
And I can’t spell out loud for ANYTHING. I might be able to decipher it if being spelled towards me, but I have to pretend I’m writing it to get the letters in the right order. Or in there at all. Now I wonder if I can even spell at all since having spell check on my blog! Probably not.
Are you trying to kill him??? Kidding. If my mother wasn’t there, who knows what I would have fed her…
I was told today that when you read a word, you see every letter at once, not one letter at a time. So I feel justified in my deficiency. The head spellers are FREAKS!
So you’re saying I’m dumber than a fifth grader now, is that it? If only there was a show that could prove you WRONG…..
He said he missed us. I’m not so sure.
Spelling backwards seems damn near impossible. Covering ears seems more my speed.
I love when my mom visits but I would not invite her to stay. That could have something to do with the lack of a third bedroom.
Thank you- I love hearing stuff like this. You know, accolades. Who doesn’t?
That is the one downfall of your kid starting to talk. It’s harder to pretend you don’t understand them and deny them what they want.
H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A
I made it easy for you. I love your mom.
My husband can’t do pig latin, so we HAVE to spell, and it’s a disaster. We find ourselves spelling words we could say, spelling when no kids are within five miles, and spelling things we don’t want the DOG to hear. Both of us spell faster than we decipher, and NOW the second grader has learned to spell, she can do it in her head, and the gig is up.
And yet we persist.
Like maybe we think the four year old won’t soon catch on.
I just laughed so hard!! We spell everything right now, God help us when our son (who is in Kindergarten) figures out how to spell in his head 😛