A few days ago, I came across a post called "Hipster Logic Problems" on McSweeney's and figured it would be the perfect post to rip-off. Except instead of solving indie rock band and L train problems, I'm solving problems about tinkertoys and minivans. Because REALLY. Who's got better problem-solving skills than moms?

**8 MATHEMATICAL MOM PROBLEMS**

**#1) Mealtime Predicament**

A mother cooks 1 protein, 1 vegetable and 1 starch for dinner at 5pm. By 5:15pm, 3 kids are seated at the table. By 5:30pm, 2 kids have rejected the protein while all 3 kids have rejected the vegetable and 0 kids have rejected the starch, leaving 15 discarded pieces of food on the floor. At what time does mom finally get to eat?

**#2) **Bedtime Dilemma

A child requests 5 books to read before bedtime. Mom agrees to read 3 books. After 3 books have been read, child asks for 2 more books. Mom says 'no' 5 times. After 15 minutes of whining and 5 minutes of crying, puting them 30 minutes past bedtime, Mom finally agrees to read 1 more book. How likely is the child to choose the longest book on the shelf?

**#3) **Preschool Problem

400 moms apply to 5 preschools. Each preschool has 50 spots. Each of the 50 spots has already been taken by 20 students with siblings, 5 children who have parents on staff, 3 children with famous family members and 2 children whose parents have volunteered to secretly deposit a large check into the headmaster's bank account. How many of the 400 applicants have a shot in hell at getting their toddler into Harvard?

**#4) Roadtrip Pickle**

It's 112 miles to Grandma's house and Dad is driving at 30 miles an hour due to 2 lanes being blocked for road construction. 2 kids, aged 3 and 5, are in the back seat watching *Cars 2 *on DVD. If KID A has to go to the bathroom at mile 47, and the first available exit is at mile 55, and KID B has been crying for the past 25 minutes because he left his Nintendo DSI at home, how much money will Mom spend at McDonald's to appease them both?

**#5) Potty Training Teaser**

A 2 year-old child has made 23 attempts to pee in the potty. Of the 23 attempts, 15 times nothing happened, 5 times the child missed and peed on the floor, 2 times the child actually hit the mark and 1 time the child fell into the toilet. If potty training continues for 5 more weeks before completion, how many pounds will Mom have gained due to excessive M&M's consumption?

**#6) Clean-Up Quandry**

There are 15 matchbox cars on the floor, 12 loose crayons on the kitchen table, 9 wooden vegetables in the fridge and 6 jigsaw puzzle pieces hiding underneath the couch. If mom gives 2 kids 25 minutes to clean-up before bedtime, how loud will she scream when she steps on a Lego in the middle of the night?

**#7) Playground Puzzle**

4 moms meet in the playground with a total of 7 kids. In the playground there is 1 slide, 4 swings and 2 jungle gyms. If MOM A has to say "Wait your turn" 25 times and MOM B has to scream "NO HITTING!" 17 times and MOM C has to give 12 lectures about "not eating sand" , how long before they all ditch the playground to go have drinks at MOM D's house?

**#8) Smart Device Dispute**

A family of 5 has 1 iPad and 2 smart phones between them. Each child is allotted 40 minutes of time with a smart device of their choosing per day. If KID A chooses the iPad and KID B starts crying because that's not fair and KID C hits KID B over the head with a PSP to shut him up, how much time does Mom spend hiding in the bathroom playing *Words With Friends*?

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*If math isn't your THANG, feel free to check out this baby that looks like Chris Farley.*

1. 9pm or tomorrow, leftovers for breakfast.

2. 100% likely.

3. 0.00008%

4. All the money in Dad’s wallet.

5. At least 10 pounds.

6. Loud enough to wake the kids, meaning she’ll have to spend another 87 minutes reading 5 books.

7. About 2 minutes, because she’ll get interrupted by Dad begging her to please forgive the children and save him from the hell he has to endure dealing with the kids by himself.

What happens if you factor in a Dad who rejects the vegetables in number one?

LOVE it! Now this is math I can solve with confidence! The answer to all these problems is: ice cream.

Does the glass or glasses of wine consumed while cooking said dinner count as dinner for #1?

My math sucks. I missed out on question 7. And my answer to that would be: It won’t happen because Mom D will have to host all those kids! Not. Gonna. Happen.

1) Chocolate chip cookies

2) Dora the Exlporer does WHAT?

3) I would settle for ‘getting into something besides trouble at school’

4)Invalid question fails to factor in available toys in said dining establishment’s children’s meals.

5)X times the number of M&Ms the child peed on after the attempts where nothing happened.

6)What Alison said

7)After all the time outs are said and done, they will decide to cancel the playdate and start over tomorrow at Mom D’s house with drinks.

8)Nobody can get in the bathroom because some genius locked the door.

Math makes my head hurt.

You’re math is just fine. I added one more after I posted it on my fanpage. Love your answer to #6!

Hmmm… that’s a good question. Mom yells at him for the 10th time to set a better example for the kids?

So, so true.

It’s what we call a liquid dinner. Not as filling but much more fun.

HA! #8 is awesome. And as far as #1, now I know what I will be having for dinner.

I’ve never understood this multiple books at bedtime thing. My kids get one book. I don’t think they even know asking for another story is an option. I think my daughter might have asked once and I kind of laughed in her face and said “what are you talking about? it’s bedtime STORY, not bedtime STORIES! go to sleep so mommy can go eat ice cream.”

I do have one friend who regularly reads 10-20 stories at bedtime and calls it her “favorite time of the day” but I’m gathering evidence that she might be a robot.

I think Carson’s first full sentence was “ONE MORE BOOK!”

yep, each one of these sounds EXACTLY like MOTHERHOOD to me.

and people ask me why I take Zoloft

LOL

You are a genius. I’m just saying.

Better yet, what if you factor a dad into your parenting life at all? Gawd, how 1950s retro.

(Oh, and let the damn kids figure themselves out on the playground. That’s how most of us grew up and we were fine. Our kids will be too.)

You did a great math! Now i understand what math is all

about.

Dude.

Will you be my kids’ algebra tutor?

For reals.

Awesome. XD

All of the above!