Jessica Simpson has given birth to a girl named Maxwell. I, for one, am okay with that name (provided the tabloids stop calling her Maxi which sounds to me like a sanitary product). But naming a child is just the first of many decisions that Miss Simpson will have to make as a new parent.

From what I remember, back when Jessica Simpson was relevant (don't tell me she's a judge on Fashion Star, that show SUCKS), Jessica is not the sharpest tool in the shed. 

So, it is in her honor that I present 9 PARENTING FAILS today. There is an important lesson for her to learn in each of them.

Pay attention, Jessica!

1. Always remember if and when you are wearing your child.

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2. Your stroller is not a shopping cart.

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3. If there is one good time to stop texting, it's during childbirth.

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4. Don't play hide and seek in the grocery store.

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5. Refrain from putting your kid on your shoulders during potty training.

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6. Learn how to spell Santa.

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7. Put your kid down before you eat a burger.

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8. Turn off autocorrect.

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9. Not every photo-op is a good idea.

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Congratulations, Jessica and GOOD LUCK!

WARNING: If you try googling "parenting fails" yourself, please be aware that about 95% of them will be women in thong underwear taking photos of themselves with their children behind them. The other 5% will be babies smoking. Your welcome for not including them here.

Photos found on I Can Has Cheezburger, Ned Hardy, Strange Beaver and the Huffington Post.

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UPDATE: There is some debate over whether Jessica Simpson actually had her baby. People is saying "No". Apparently, I was fooled by InTouch's cover story entitled "Inside Jessica's Dramatic Delivery" with subtitle— "her tearful first words to her new baby girl". I even read the whole article. First sentence: "As a first-time mother, Jessica Simpson couldn't be more thrilled to finally welcome her baby girl, Maxwell". What up, InTouch???