On Wednesday night, I went out to dinner with three of my closest friends. When the dinner was scheduled a month ago, I didn't think there was a chance in hell I would make it (my due date was the following day) but there I was, dipping crusty bread in olive oil and sneaking sips from my friend's glass of wine— the baby was cooked, right?
Earlier that day, I had seen my OB, who tested my cervix and declared it "unfavorable" (a lovely term that means 'not dilated'), so I was beginning to suspect I might not give birth until Christmas.
But, low and behold, on the walk home from dinner, I finally felt something resembling a contraction.
Once home, I found Mike asleep in bed and lied down next to him. The next thing I knew it was 4am. My first thought was disappointment it hadn't happened the night before. Then I realized I was lying in a small puddle and thought— "Oh! it's happening right NOW!"
I wasn't currently experiencing any pain, so I did what every pregnant woman does who wakes up in a pool of their own bodily fluid…
I grabbed my phone and googled "how do I know if my water broke or I just peed on myself?"
As is often the case, the internet did not have a solid answer (100 comments on a Baby Center message board all from women with completely different experiences doesn't exactly instill a feeling of certainty), so I changed my clothes and got back in bed.
Then it happened again. I ran to the bathroom. The "fluid" was tinged ever so slightly pink. (Didn't Baby Center Woman #28 say something about pink?) Before I could turn back to Google for answers, I felt a pain that was most definitely a contraction.
Now, most people might wake their husband, call their doctor, grab their things and go, but me— I knew this was my last opportunity to take a shower. So as my contractions escalated and things went from zero to sixty, I was shaving my legs and blow drying my hair.
Before jumping in the shower, I woke up Mike and told him today was the day. I kid you not, his first words were: "Are you sure? Because I have a lot going on at work today."
In the movies, I've seen women in labor totally LOSE THEIR SHIT on their husbands, but since I was pretty pleasant during Mazzy's birth, I assumed that was done for comedic effect and wasn't actually a real thing. Well…
I WAS WRONG! Losing your shit on your husband is TOTALLY A REAL THING!
In addition to my "Excuse me if the birth of our baby gets in the way of your conference call" rant, I put Mike in charge of the iContractions app (you tap the screen each time your contractions start/stop and it times the intervals) and was constantly yelling "Tap it! I SAID TAP IT!!! DID YOU TAP IT????!!!! TAAAAAP IT!!!!!!!!!"
And, when I asked Mike to get me a TENNIS BALL (pressing one against my back was the only thing that kept me sane during my first pregnancy) and he presented me with a NERF FOOTBALL, I believe the conversation went something like…
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS????"
"I can't find a tennis ball."
"WELL, KEEP LOOKING, JACKASS!!!!!!!!!!!"
Finally at 5:30am, I instituted the most important (and only) part of our birth plan— I called my sister to come over to watch Mazzy. Unfortunately, Mazzy woke up before my sister arrived (must have been the screaming + blow drying combination) and then I had to deal with inane toddler requests along with the very slow reaction time of a husband who seriously does not know how to function before 7am.
MAZZY: I want nice and warmy milky.
ME: Mike! Get Mazzy nice and warmy milky!
MIKE: Huh?
ME: NICE AND WARMY MILKY!!!!!!!
MAZZY: NICE AND WARMY MILKY!!!!!!!
MIKE: Do you want me to get Mazzy milk or look for the tennis ball?
ME: TAP IT!!! TAP IT!!!!!! DID YOU TAP IT?????!!!!! YOU HAVE TO TAP IT!!!!!!
Finally, at around 6am, Mazzy and my sister were snuggled in bed watching Dora, Mike had located a tennis ball, my legs were smooth and silky, and we were ready to leave.
Except for one thing.
"Do I have time to get coffee?"
"MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Okay, forget it."
I was planning on telling the whole story but with both a toddler and a newborn at home, my blogging time is somewhat limited. Welcome to Mommy Shorts POST BIRTH OF SECOND CHILD. So. I'll be writing this post in two parts.
Just be happy I am awake enough to blog at all.
'Til tomorrow…
If my husband had been as dilly-dallying as Mike was, I would have given birth at home. 🙂
Your writing style is just the best. Can’t wait to hear part two! Congrats to you an your whole family.
Wow that was FAST! I’m so glad you had the chance to blow dry your hair!
First of all… wow – I’m amazed you have the engery and time to write, but I’m glad you do!
Secondly, I think Mike and my husband are related! When I woke him to tell him that I think my water broke, he asked if I was sure I didn’t just pee myself; when I asked him to call the hospital, he couldn’t find the number that was written on the one and only piece of 8×10 paper sitting on our dresser; he then went on to mention how the timing isn’t the greatest as he hadn’t had a chance to hand off a few projects at work (I was 6-weeks early); and finally, he asked of he should make coffee or buy one on the way! At least (now the little one is here), he hasn’t panicked about a localized rash caused by the clothing tag and rushed to the ER – true story of a friend who’s husband is an ER doctor!
Funny funny funny. The image of you screaming and blow drying your hair…it belongs in a movie. Welcome to the world, Harlow. Another great name.
Love this! I was the exact same way with the contractions app. How in the world did we have babies before iPhones?! Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. I’m so impressed you’ve found time to write at all – hope everyone is getting at least a little sleep!!
When I woke up with my water broken, I woke my husband up and told him. He said “really?” in the most exhasperated and inconvienced-sounding way. “Yes. Really.” I was only three days early but he really hadn’t planned on dealing with the whole “wife giving birth” thing for at least another week.
I did EXACTLY the same thing with my daughter. Felt the contractions, and what did I do as my husband is insisting on leaving immediately? Took a shower. Shaved my legs. Did my hair. Put on makeup. All while screaming out when the contractions were starting so he could time them as well.
Now the fact that I gave birth only two hours after FINALLY arriving at the hospital is irrelevant. My post-birth photos look amazing, thank you very much.
(I should also mention that my husband’s friend came over to dog sit for us, and their joking around in our living room almost sent me into a homicidal tirade. I believe my exact wording was “I’M IN LABOR, STOP LAUGHING YOU DICKS”)
Great post. And in MIke’s defense, NERF balls offer great lumbar support.
Ha, you paint the picture well! LOL! Not funny at all at the time, very funny in hindsight. Even funnier if, like most men, Mike is helpless, hapless, and couch bound when he has the sniffles but thinks it is totally reasonable for you to cross your legs, keep baby in until 6pm quittin’ time, and spend your day parenting Mazzy and buying him coffee. Acutually, contractions hurt when they happen but most women get at least a minute or two break in-between when they feel OK … so maybe his requests weren’t so off base?? (KIDDING!!!).
P.S. I hear you on the second quicker birth. My first was a slow easy-going trip down the ol’ canal; my second tried to come out when I was NOT fully dilated – repeatedly – every 2 minutes – and when I say “not fully” I mean “not even close to squeezing out her basketball head” which is why I am never having another baby ever again. In fairness their birth stories mimic thier current personalities but still. I love my kids -but I also love having an intact cervix!! OUCH!!!!
That is good to know. I will be sure to keep that in mind and tweet it to you, when you are squeezing a watermelon out your vagina. 😛
NICE AND WARM MILKY!!!!!!
Almost snarfed my nice and warm coffee.
Big smile! “DID YOU TAP IT??!!??!!??”
I love that you were using an app. LOL Cannot wait to hear more.
I love birth stories! I especially love funny birth stories. Can’t wait to hear part 2. TAP IT! DID YOU TAP IT? Classic.
My daughter was stuck and after 2 hours of pushing, the nurses said, “Let’s take a 20 minute break.” HE said, “Great! I’m going to 7-11 and getting coffee. Bye!” and left and got coffee at 7-11. He was lucky I’d had an epidural or I’d have kicked him in the face, possibly the groin area. He also didn’t understand why every woman in the delivery room gave him the evil eye when he returned.
I looooove your stories on their births. So glad you found the time to write. Now go take a nap, girl. You deserve it. Still cracking up over the yelling.
OMG. I was laughing loud at my desk! Too funny. 🙂 Can’t wait for part II.
I just laughed out loud – hard – several times. How hard is it to get some warm milky and a tennis ball? For the love of God.
SO FUNNY! And congratultaions!
Best (partial) birth story ever! Congratulations!
I love your writing! LOL on the getting one last shower in including shaving your legs and blow drying your hair! And oh my gosh I would yelled at my husband too about the “I have a lot going on today at the office” comment. And he wanted coffee too? Sheesh 😉 Seriously, funny way of recounting your birth story. Can’t wait to hear part 2 and also the new adventures with a toddler and infant!
Awesome. Had plenty of LOL moments…
I am sitting here by myself as my little one is napping, laughing so hard I am snorting! I can’t wait for part two!
Oh my god feels so good to read someone else go nutz w/their husband at this time.
He told me I couldn’t be in labor yet. Couldn’t.
Ok, Dr. Man, I guess you know. (ripping his head off)
You are amazing. 🙂
What an awesome half-story! Thank you for making me laugh (I’m not much of a laugher). I can’t wait to read the rest, and I’m SO amazed that you are already blogging again. How’s Mazzy liking being a big sister? Congratulations!
Can I tell you how much I enjoy your writing and your humor and your photos? I just did. Your writing is so descriptive and vivid that I feel like I experienced your pregnancy, your labor, your delivery, your new reality with two children, except I didnt have to gain weight or lose sleep, well actually, I did put on a few pounds in the last 9 months….anyway, thanks for including us in your world and mazel tov to your beautiful family.
Hilarious! (though clearly not at the time) I lost it when you reference the nerf football – ha. You are too kind giving up your precious sleep to blog and entertain us…can’t wait for Part 2. Congrats and welcome Harlow!
This very much resembled the first part of my birth story, which I’m actually planning to tell next week in advance of Lil’ Bit’s 3rd birthday. Because it’s been three years and somehow I’ve never managed to write it even though I’ve had a blog for two of those three years. What?
Anyhoozles… yes to the waking up in a pool of my own bodily fluids and and yes to my clueless husband preparing to go off to work anyway (he was literally walking out the door when I said, “You know, I really don’t think you should go…”) Also, yes to the desire to shower before going to the hospital and yes to the contractions going from 0 to 60 while in said shower. And yet I convinced myself I’d be able to eat a bowl of Cheerios before we left. (I was wrong. Breakfast might be the most important meal of the day, but when your contractions are 3 minutes apart, fuck it.)
I am proud to say, however, that I only screamed profanities at my husband once.
Whoa, I still can’t believe you had the time to sit down and write this! Thanks for writing it and I can’t wait to read Part II! And I believe that if my husband had said the thing about having to get a lot done that day, not only would I have screamed my head off at him, but I’m pretty sure I would have ripped the bathroom door off its hinges too! WTF man!
Also, “TAP IT! Did you tap it?!!!” – classic, as other commenters have said!!
That is funny. 🙂 TAAAAP IT! Yes, men can be very stupid. And p.s. Boo Boo was born on her due date.
Oh man. I love a good birth story. This is hilarious.
Frickin hilarious.
Hope all’s going well on the homefront. 😉
You crack me up! I can’t wait to hear the rest of the story. Congratulations and Happy Thanksgiving!
With my second baby, I was in labor for 34 hours, after which i had to have an emergency c- section. After everything was over, a nurse popped her head in and asked “how are you feeling?” to which my husband answered “very tired but i’ ll be all right”!!!!!
My first one was induced. My husband worked nights, 6p-6a, and I was supposed to check into the hospital at 7 the morning of the induction. So my husband told his work it would be fine if he worked that night. So there I am, less than 12 hours before being induced, alone, in my house four hours from my nearest family (who couldn’t come because of work and another family emergency). I worried myself into braxton-hicks, and by the time he showed up at 6:20 the next morning I was nearly a wreck. We got to the hospital, we checked in, I started the drugs and he looked at the nurse and asked “How long do you think this might take? Do you think I’ll be able to take a nap?”
I promptly asked for an assortment of things to throw at him. He napped on and off while I was having contractions, and had the nerve to complain about how tired he was when I went into those mega-contractions (that top off the monitor chart). When they came to suggest I get a c-section at 11 that night he replied, “whatever it takes to get me some sleep”. The doctor asked me if I’d like her to slap him for me.
My nurses nicknamed me Gibbs for the sheer number of times I slapped the back of his head throughout the process.
i like to consider the men acting this way is just because they’re… men. my husband asked if i could try and be more quiet b/c he was afraid the cabbie would kick up out of the cab when he realized, yes that’s right, i was having a baby in his cab.
i’m not sure i’ve forgiven him. 🙂
Going into labor with my second child i felt the contractions got everything by the door got myself dressed went to wake up my husband I said “Hurry up it’s time to go the baby’s coming” to which he replied “What baby?” As if he was oblivious to my whole pregnancy and HUGE BELLY!!!
Oh, I’m crying-laughing right now. Hysterical!!!!
TAP IT!!! TAP IT!!!!!!!!
I love this! With my second (who is now 4 mo), I too woke up to broken water and immediately jumped in the shower. Except I was the picture of calm while my husband was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
It was my husband who had to take his normal 20 minute shower at 3am when I was ready to go to the hospital!
Me too! I went from 0 to 100. From contractions that were 8 minutes apart to BOOM! 2 minutes apart. We lived 2 minutes from the hospital and barely made it 😛
Congrats on your new baby!
And how is Mazzy feeling about the addition to the family?
Keep looking jackass! That made my day. Can’t wait for part 2!
i had my first child after 9 contractions a total of 38 mins of labor, barely made it to the hospital, had my 2nd after 3 contractions a total of 13 mins, my husband knew after the first one there wasn’t time to mess around, had 1st contraction at home, second in car on the way and the 3rd just before my first push then he was out. all i had to do was say “mike…” and he was ready to go…lol
A tapping app! I love it. This birth story is hilarious…for me, probably not for you at the time, but you’ve really brightened my morning over here. Can’t wait to hear more. 🙂
Is it safe to have coffee during pregnancy?
Congrats! Did you have your husband bring your laptop to the hospital? That was some quick typing immediately following the birth of your second kid.
I had an oddly similar birth experience, but my husband asked if he could finish the movie we were watching.
I’m so jealous of your pre-birth story! Shower, shampoo, and shave! I am women hear me roar! (But not until after I freshen up first. What? This? It’s just a little fluid…)
BTW: Thanks for supporting the Moms Who Write and Blog Pinterest board with your awesome pins of your awesome blog posts!
I say awesome way too much, I need a new adjective.
Your post is in my top 12, and your Pinterest pin/photo is in my blog post here http://www.lifehappensthenwrite.com/2013/01/top-twelve-parent-humor-of-2012-warning.html
Let me know if that is not OK, thanks!
Cannot understand why talking like that to hubby with a toddler around is okay. Not funny, rather, pathetic. I have given natural birth to two and have NEVER felt the need to take out my stress on my partner in love, my husband.
Glad to see I’m not the only one who Googled “did my water break or did I pee myself?”
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