Before I gave birth, a few of my favorite bloggers kindly volunteered to write guest posts. You know, just in case, I found breastfeeding while 'blogging about breastfeeding' difficult.
One of the people to volunteer is the awesomely funny Kim from The Fordeville Diaries. Kim is raising two kids in the suburbs of New Jersey and has decided the perfect way to celebrate the holidays is by finding herself some SISTER WIVES.
Sure, she might have to share her husband and her Keurig machine, but on the plus side— she gets to delegate 'toy assembly' and 'the return line at Target'.
Still not convinced? Let Kim explain. My guess is she'll have you slipping on a prairie skirt and redefining your marriage vows in no time…
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It's time to make my annual holiday season promise to myself. The one that I break every year:
I will not let the holidays stress me out. I will enjoy them, Goddamnit.
Riiiight.
But despite my past failures in this effort, I have come up with an entirely new approach this year. One that will reduce my stress level and allow me more time to cherish the season.
I'm going to get some seasonal Sister Wives.
Yep. Hear me out.
How many times have you wished for an extra few sets of hands to help you prepare for the holiday madness? And I don't mean your husband, because that often entails a lot of direction and management. Not your mom, because she has her own list and, really, she just wants to play with the kids.
I mean other women, who know what they are doing and feel a genuine familial obligation to help you out.
Sister Wives.
It occurred to me on Black Friday. I know some of you embrace this whole retail discount phenomenon, and I applaud you. But it's not for me. However, it could have been for me, this year — had I put my plan in place sooner. In my post-tryptophan coma, while eating leftover pie for breakfast and being assaulted by Black Friday emails, it hit me.
If I had, say, three Sister Wives, think of the divide and conquer approach I could've mapped out for them while I held down the fort at home:
• SW #1 would be assigned to Toys R Us.
• SW #2 hits Target.
• SW #3 tackles Best Buy.
Boom. Trifecta.
Hmm. As my mind began to clear from the turkey haze, I thought of other ways I could take the Seasonal Sister Wife model to a new level of holiday efficiency.
• Family Duty. Need a proxy for that tricky post-election discussion over appetizers? Tired of showing your mom how to use her smart phone? It's not all on you with the Sister Wives in tow. Hell, imagine this: What if I had three other women to deflect the attention from the flaws my mother-in-law sees in me? Between the four of us, we might even be good enough for her son. Dream big, I say.
• Cookie Exchange. I am a crappy baker but a stellar consumer of holiday cookies. With several cookie exchanges on my horizon, I can really improve my positioning with the help of a Sister Wife who can bake. Fuck the Snickerdoodles — this year, I'm talking blue ribbon, Pinterest-level goods. With hand-painted cookie tins for everyone, of course. Bring it, ladies.
• Elf on the Shelf Duty. You know that moment, every night or early the next morning: When you're comfortable in your warm bed and you realize you forgot to move the damn elf. Again. Well, I'll be resting easy now, my friends. Because a devoted Sister Wife is going to do this every night. And she's going to make it really good — no bullshit hiding spots that my husband or I seem to repeat every four days. She's going to string Jingle from ceiling fans and cause him to jump out upon the detection of child-activated motion sensors. Because. It's. Her. Job.
• Holiday Cards. This is not for an amateur or the faint of heart. Just getting a decent picture of my kids, in and of itself, is daunting and will age you several years. Then you've got the card layout, as well as the annual address list debate with my husband — in which I'm known to be slightly ruthless in my edits {Haven't heard from you all year? No card for you.}. And, of course, the PURCHASING OF THE STAMPS AT THE POST OFFICE IN MID-DECEMBER and getting everything out the door by, preferably, December 22nd.
• Toy Assembly. My chances of staying married will increase 5 million-fold if other people will just stay up with us until 2 or 3am on Christmas Eve and assemble the various pieces of plastic from China into lovely toys that stay intact under the tree. Granted, this is a big job. I'll need all three Sister Wives on deck: #1 will make sure that we have all $684 worth of batteries, in the proper sizes, installed as necessary. #2 will be an expert in separating the toys from the intricate, Ph.D.- level packaging that the sadistic toy manufacturers feel compelled to inflict upon parents. As for #3, she's the runner and will fill in on general assembly as needed, as well as tool distribution and, of course, barkeep duties.
And, because I'm no idiot, this arrangement doesn't end as soon as the merriment is over. Oh no, I want some help with the aftermath of the holidays, too. I'm not doing all this with a hangover by myself.
• Returns. Obviously. I mean, once the holidays are over, the last thing I want is all the craptastic, B-list gifts taking up valuable space where my new cases of wine {ahem, Santa} will be stored. Me and the SWs are going to go all Boxing Day and get it done. No more drawn-out organization efforts of separating the good from the returnable. Gone are the days of fumbling for receipts in mid-April. We will be machines of efficiency. We will identify and keep the good stuff. Separate the returns by location and map out the most efficient route. Identify all items without receipts and consider potential re-gifting opportunities. All before you guys have toasted the arrival of 2013.
• Holiday Decor Breakdown and Removal. I don't know about your house, but in mine, the kids are not reliable when it comes to, say, removing, wrapping and storing breakable ornaments and decorations. And I find it to be a depressing task, parting with the holidays. So, the Sister Wives stay on through the first week of January. This year, those 14 million stray pine needles in my rug? Not my problem.
Now, I need to be fair here — this isn't a paid gig so I have to do my share. My strength is really in organizing and delegating. You know, keeping the machine running. Mission control. And, come on, since I orchestrated this arrangement, I have Top Sister Wife positioning. The Alpha Wife, if you will.
But let's not forget the tricky part. There is a husband in this scenario. Namely, mine. And we are not, um, sharers. Especially since prairie skirts and braids are not really his thing. So I'm thinking, since it's just a seasonal job, a generous gift card to the mall for each SW should be good. Or maybe to the fabric store.
Yes, there are a couple of logistical kinks to work out — lodging, cars, priority access to the Keurig, etc. — but I'm optimistic I can get this sorted pretty easily.
So, ladies. Have fun stressing out this holiday season with all of the responsibilities falling solely on your shoulders. I'm off to get a pedicure, a venti Starbucks and some legally binding contracts that expire on or about 1/5/13.
Happy Holidays!
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What holiday tasks would you like to delegate to your sister wives?
Seriously one of the BEST things I’ve seen this holiday season.
Umm, sister wives PLEASE?!
Too funny Kim! My mother and I discuss this more often than I’d like to admit. Not Sister Wives per se but how productive female relationships must be. Ps: realized while snuggled in bed at around 1am that I didn’t move the elf. Would particularly love to outsource that.
Where do I sign up for my own Sister Wives?
Kim, you are truly one of my favorites. I have always said that I need a sister wife or six to help me get my life together. I agree completely.
Screw the “seasonal” sister wives, I want them all year round!
Sign. Me. Up. I just need someone to clean. I’m buried over here.
You are so dead on with the elf moving. Today, I tried moving him while the 3 year old was busy, but had to shove him down the back of my sweat pants when he turned around, till I could find a crappy new location (same one he used about a week ago). I got to put him in said location, but his hat was gone! Thankfully little was busy for a couple more minutes in the other room…Sheesh!
I love Kim. I really do.
And sisterwives? Uh yeah.
And not just at holiday time.
xo
I’m always saying I need to clone myself several times over. Why have I never thought of sister wives? If I had one to do all the holiday shopping, perhaps she’d actually pick me up something I like too? Or would she be just another person to give me a coffee mug that says “Keep Calm and Carry On?”
Bless you, Kim, for figuring out a solution! Sounds like a plan, and I’m off now to find me a couple of sister wives. for the season. Though if they clean, I may keep them permanently. Depends how well they can scrub a toilet.
I will send you some of the Elf Mover candidates that don’t end up as one my SWs.
One. Six. Whatever it takes.
I’m going to start with three this year as a trial run but I’m totally open to full-on holiday compound for next year’s holiday season.
Genius. Also, another route: convert. The Jews have way less going on this time of year, though I will admit that some sisterly help on the holiday card would be very welcome.
I know! Year-round is the Holy Grail. I have to ease into it, though. And I need a bigger legal team to go full-year. Baby steps.
I’ve got my Dyson, my Swiffer and a bunch of other cleaning tools that have remained untouched for months — just waiting for SW to show up.
That elf causes way too much stress. Time to outsource!
I would like to delegate exercise. And I’ll blog for you, anytime!
Right back atcha, Empress.
Oh no, when screened properly, your SWs can also be excellent personal shoppers.
Can’t you just feel the stress disappearing? Can’t you just feel the pedicure appointment beckoning?
Trust me, the conversion route has occurred to me more than once. If Project Sister Wives fails, I’m coming to see you.
Delegating exercise — perfect. Although I think have been mentally doing that to nameless, faceless people for years.
I’d have to bitch slap my sister wives. I’m too jealous. But then again, when I’m not in the mood (which is all the time)it would come in handy.
I would rather clone myself. Five times. That should be enough to get everything done around the house.
Sign me up. I’ll even share my Sister Wives. I just need them two days before Christmas to WRAP ALL THE DAMN PRESENTS because it takes me for-ev-er.
Last year I was wrapping at 11:30pm on Christmas Eve with a migraine. Bawling my eyes out because I thought I wasn’t going to get it all done.
Could’ve used some frigging Sister Wives then, I tell you.
Cleaning up after my big holiday party, so I don’t have to do it with my hangover.
Washing 12 sets of bedding once all the overnight guests leave.
Babysitting the kids so I can get at least 2 massages to recover from Decemeber.
I want to say right up front that I will NOT be one of your sister wives. But I will take a few blank copies of that contract, you know, just in case.
Love, love this idea! I would totally be the delegator and the nap taker. Is it possible to be an ad on Craigslist for Sister Wives? You know, just for the holidays? I’ll look into it and get back with you.
Ok, ok. I’m sold. Especially if all I have to do is EAT the cookies.
Is this elf on the shelf an American thing? Explain please? And I’m attempting my first Christmas with the family so i think i definitely deserve some experienced SW to help me out!
During my move I was “homeless” living with my sister for 2 weeks 8 months pregnant. It was great to have a sister wife and my husband called my brother in law my brother husband. I would come home the girls would have taken a bath, dinner would be ready then I would do everyone laundry it really was great! Great post!
You are clearly more productive than me! If I made five clones of myself, all that would be accomplished is that the junk food and wine would be gone 5x faster.
I’m convinced – where do I sign up? Or rather, where do I get other women to sign up – I’m with you, I think I’d rather be at the top of this pyramid scheme…
This year will be much better — I’ve ordered your prairie skirt.
We’re going to need to look into a team of 7 SWs for you. I’m on it.
Never say never…
Let’s not go too public. We need to keep the good ones for ourselves.
Yep and you can leave crumbs everywhere. After dipping them in Baileys.
I’m not sure if Elf on the Shelf has gone global. If not, I’m tempted to move to a country where nobody has ever heard of it.
Wow — that’s perfect. Can you send your sister’s contact info? 😉
Exactly. We must stay in Alpha Wife position to benefit.
I had exact conversation with two of my girlfriends when we were camping out in one of their houses during hurricane sandy black out.
We were cooking together three meals and four kids were playing all together and having so much fun so rarely bothered mommies.
All dads were gone to either work or do their stuff so we didn’t even have to feed them or entertain them for entire week!
Best time ever!!! It was like have sister wives except sharing husbands.
I really wanted to move in with my girls friends. Lol
I’m glad you got a good trial run. I think that many secret SW compounds were formed during the aftermath of Sandy.
We’re spending Christmas with our family on the opposite coast, so I really need my sister wives this coming week. Send me your top candidates, I’ll give them a week of hands-on training, and send them back. Deal?
-Amy
As a Mormon I think I am required to have sister wives, the fact that I don’t has got to be a breach in my church membership. This needs looking into.
I’m a married 39 yrs old mother of 4 2 of which are grown and my husband has 3 from previous relationship s. I live in small town missouri and we have agreed to finding a sister wife and starting a relationship. How do yall feel about that? Any thoughts,tips ect…