You know that recurring nightmare where you're walking through the halls of your high school completely naked and everybody is laughing at you and it takes a moment to figure out why? Except instead of your high school it's your office and instead of "completely naked", it's you strapped to a breast pump in a strapless bra with holes in it? And instead of everyone laughing at you, they have these horrified looks on their faces like they may rethink all plans of procreating? And instead of you not knowing what's going on, you know exactly what's going on because this isn't a nightmare, it's your real fucking life?
Last week I wrote about pumping right out in the open at the sinks by the entrance to the bathroom, while people came in and out the door. This week, I am freelancing at a new office which actually has a room for me to use, but one wall is all windows looking out to the building across the way.
Even though, I could care less who knows what I am doing in there, I still don't feel quite comfortable giving the neighbors a show. Particularly a show that plays on regular timed intervals two-three times a day.
So, I'm left trying to figure out what to wear to work so that I can pump as discreetly as possible.
As we already know (see "Post Maternity Shopping, a Play in Three Acts"), post maternity clothes are next to impossible to find because you have a laundry list of requirements. But… I decided to take that laundry list, add my back-to-work pumping issues to the mix and actually find a uniform that works.
Dresses are out because then I have to completely disrobe. Button-down shirts are out because my boobs are two completely different sizes and the buttons pull all weird. The only thing that works is wearing jeans or tight pants with a loose long top. Tops that are made of material that don't cling to me in a wow-that-bagel-could-be-another-baby kind of way, tops that are long enough to cover my post maternity belly (and the top of my maternity jeans should I choose to wear them, oh my god, I love them so much, I think I'll wear them forever), and tops that are loose enough so that I can put my breast pump on and then pull the shirt back down over the whole apparatus altogether, making me 100% comfortable should anyone happen to barge in or take a peak.
The problem is I only have two shirts that fit the bill and they are starting to smell like breastmilk.
So, tonight I looked at every online shopping site I could think of (from Banana Republic to Zara to Bloomingdales) and started relishing tops that met my qualifications on Sweet Relish— the social shopping site I told you guys about a few weeks ago. Turns out, this kind of top seems to be on trend, and I found quite a few (see image up top) in solid modern shapes, as opposed to flowy floral peasant blouses.
Now I've got a handy "Back-to-Work Pumping Shirts" list on Sweet Relish with links to all the individual stores where I can purchase them. And thankfully, they all look like the kind of shirts I wouldn't have to try on in-store to make sure they fit before I purchase.
Is there a mom on earth that has time to go clothes shopping for herself OFFLINE??? If so, it's not me.
More importantly— if I was to buy two tops from the ones pictured above, which two should I pick?
This is a sponsored post from Sweet Relish but all of the thoughts and opinions are my own.