Showering-with-a-baby

MINUTE ONE:

You see the baby playing happily on his own and decide he will be just fine if you take a ten minute shower. You go to the bathroom and undress.

MINUTE TWO:

You get nervous the baby will not be fine and decide to put the baby in his crib instead of letting him play freely on the floor. You run around the house collecting safe toys to put in the crib to keep him occupied. Have I mentioned you are running around your house completely naked?

MINUTE THREE:

You get in the shower. You allow yourself to appreciate the warm cleansing water.

MINUTE FOUR:

The baby starts crying. Oh no, you haven’t even shampooed yet! Wait. Is that crying? You aren’t sure. You stick your head out of the shower and listen intently. You might be imagining it. You shampoo as quickly as possible just in case. You wash your body at lightening speed. The baby’s crying gets louder. Yes, that is definitely crying now. What about conditioner? Do you have time for conditioner?? The baby’s crying escalates to unbearable levels. You must get out as soon as possible. Wait! Have you shampooed yet? YOU CAN’T REMEMBER!!! You try to recount the order of showering events— first you got into the shower, then you felt the warm cleansing water, then the baby started crying— SHIT! THE BABY IS STILL CRYING! You’ll just have to skip the shampoo regardless of whether you have shampooed already!

MINUTE FIVE:

Baby is crying even louder!!! Why did you decide to shave under your arms? What a selfish thing to do! You must be a horrible mother! OH MY GOD THE BABY MUST THINK HE HAS BEEN ABANDONED AND THIS TEN MINUTE SHOWER IS GOING TO RUIN HIM FOR LIFE!!!

MINUTE SIX:

The baby stops crying. Oh thank god. Time to condition.

MINUTE SEVEN:

Why is the baby being so quiet??? Something must be wrong. You shout in the baby’s direction. “BABY!!!!!! ARE YOU OKAY?????” The baby doesn’t answer you. He’s obviously not okay. He is never this quiet. What toys did I put in there with him? Are they all made from breathable materials? Any choking hazards??? Perhaps he shimmied himself into a corner. Oh no. He’s stuck in the crib slats. He’s so hurt he can’t even cry. OH MY GOD SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO MY BABY!!!!

MINUTE EIGHT:

The baby starts crying again. OH THANK GOD.

MINUTE NINE:

You emerge from the shower, naked and wet. You grab a towel and throw it around your head in the worst after-shower turban ever. You run to the baby, nearly slipping on the bathroom floor. You scoop him up in your arms. “OH SWEETIE! ARE YOU OKAAAAAAAAYYYYY?????? I’M SO SORRY!!!!!! I’LL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN!!!!!”

MINUTE TEN:

Shit. Is that still conditioner in my hair?