Last week, I made a simple request on the Mommy Shorts fanpage. I asked for all the ridiculous stuff your husbands pulled while you were in labor. You know, the stuff you still hold over his head.
For instance, Mike made me wait in the lobby of our building while he went to get a cup of coffee from the bodega across the street. When they were out (it was 2am after all), HE WAITED FOR THEM TO BREW A FRESH POT.
I was asking in honor of my pregnant sister (aka Dr. B) and planning on posting some watch-outs for my very nervous brother-in-law before the big event. Unfortunately, real life doesn’t always abide by my blogging schedule and sis gave birth last Friday night! (More on my adorable new nephew later this week.)
Judging from the two phone calls I had with Uncle B while she was in labor (one in which he was right by her side at the hospital and the other in which he was buying her a box of popsicles), I’d say he didn’t screw his job up nearly as bad as most of your husbands did.
You all left 237(!) examples of crazy crap your husbands pulled while you were in labor. After reading through all of them (and seriously, YOU SHOULD READ THROUGH ALL OF THEM, the thread might be the best thread ever), I have one question— What about the phrase “9cm dilated” makes men feel the need to abandon their unborn children to buy a sandwich???
From funny to divorce-worthy to I-would-totally-understand-if-your-husband-turned-up-dead, here are 28 of my favorite examples of “Crap Husbands Pull While Their Wives are in Labor”.
I wish I was making them up.
My husband and the doctor talked football the entire time I was pushing. As if I wasn’t even there, In front of them. Having. A. Baby. – Misty
My husband left me, when I was in labor, to go buy a PS3 (it was Black Friday). He will NEVER live that down. -Anne
When the nurses asked how bad the pain was from 1-10 and I said 10, my husband said “oh, come on it can’t be that bad. – Eileen
My husband went duck hunting and forgot to charge his cell phone. I went into labor while he was sitting in the bay, alone in a boat. When he came home and realized I was gone, he assumed I was just shopping or visiting family. So, he took a nap. I was prepped for emergency c-section and we had friends in boats out looking for him in the bay. SEARCH PARTIES. Finally, my Dad called the neighbors across the street to ask them to leave a note on the door of the house. While bringing the note over they saw his truck and had to go bang on our bedroom window to wake my stupid husband up. To this day I can’t even enjoy an episode of Duck Dynasty without wanting to smother him. - Rachell
I was in labor all night and ready to go in the morning. My husband was asleep in the chair and when they woke him up, he walked over to me and said, “My foot hurts.” REALLY? Get this man an epidural. – Michelle
My husband took a conference call on the way to the hospital. He asked me to please give him a signal before I had a contraction (and they were, oh, 90 seconds apart) so he could mute the call in time. I told him to either put the whole call on mute, tell them his wife was in active labor, or (and I strongly encouraged this), NOT TAKE THE DAMN CALL. -Meredith
My husband had ONE job, ONE. He needed to get directions to the hospital. It wasn’t until I went into labor in the middle of the night that I realized he dropped the ball. He tried to Mapquest the directions while driving down the highway and almost killed us. I told him if I missed my epidural window I would end his life. He took one too many wrong turns and we ended up in a dodgy end of town. After I threatened to divorce him 75 times, he finally asked for directions and got his pregnant wife to the hospital still pregnant. -Questionable Choices in Parenting
Mine was an emergency C-section. The husband was just getting off work when we found out I needed the surgery (4 weeks early with twins). We called to tell him to come immediately. He was about 4 minutes from the hospital but after 20 minutes he still hadn’t shown up. Another call revealed him sitting at home, eating a sandwich, and checking on his World of Warcraft “real quick”. -Angelia
My husband went downstairs to charge his phone and call his mom from the car. When I called him an hour later because I was 9 centimeters he said he was at Sam’s buying Tupperware. -Lucy
About 30 minutes after our son was born (a full 24 hours of labor) my husband told me he was going to head home for a bit because he was “exhausted”. – Joanish
My husband grew up on a cattle ranch, and during labor with our first he very confidently announced to the nurse that he wasn’t nervous at all “because I’ve seen this a million times with cows”. -Carrie
My husband rested the magazine he was reading on my legs while I lay dying WITHOUT an epidural. When I kicked it off and yelled at him to get whatever was touching me off, he responded with “it’s just a magazine. What else am I supposed to do?” -Tina
In the delivery room, my husband went into hypoglycemic shock because he hadn’t eaten in 48 hours. He almost passed out and had his own team of nurses and MY midwife helping him. -Tifffany
My husband took so many pictures of himself in the scrubs and mask (obviously super important to document) the camera battery was almost dead when we actually had the baby! I have pictures to prove it. -Stephanie
My husband started throwing up while I was pushing. The nurse ran out of room because she couldn’t handle it. -Lois
I was fully dilated after 18 hours and my husband said “you think you can hold out pushing until I grab some breakfast?” -Sarah
My husband grew this ridiculous goatee and wore a shirt that said TOERAG on it, so he looks ridiculous in all the photos. -Jennifer
We were out to a movie when my contractions started. Since our house is on the way to the hospital, we stopped to get our bags. I waited in the car while my husband went in… 5 minutes go by… 10 minutes… 15!!!!!! He finally comes back as I was about to go investigate (and by investigate, I mean cause bodily harm) and explained that he had food stuck in his teeth so he had been trying to floss it out!!!!!! Yeah. He’s a genius. -Amy
Mine watched TV with his face pressed against the screen because he couldn’t hear it over my pain noises! -Kirsti
My husband asked if he could “borrow one of my pillows”, because his back hurt and I had “too many”. -Parisa
When it was time to go to the hospital, my husband said he needed to shower and shave first. Seriously?? Fine. Then I asked him to wake our 3-year-old and get him ready for daycare. I waddle downstairs expecting everyone to be ready to leave and find them eating waffles and watching cartoons. I’M IN LABOR, PEOPLE!!! -Amy
At 3am, I decided it was time to go and my husband said he was getting up to get ready. I was on the bouncy ball for a half hour waiting and then went to check on him. He had fallen back asleep. -Jessica
My husband unabashedly complained about a canker sore while I was in labor. -Carrie
After I finally agreed to an epidural, the nurse explained that it would feel like a quick little bee sting. When she left, my husband says to me, very sweetly and earnestly, “I’ve had many epidurals, and I just want you to know, it doesn’t feel ANYTHING like a bee sting. It really hurts.” I replied, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you say that to me in THE THROES OF LABOR? -RealMomofNJ
Mine kicked me out of the car in the ambulance bay 9cm dilated with my bag and left me to traipse across the hospital and up two flights of stairs on my own because he didn’t want to pay for hospital parking. -Kate
Right after my c-section, my husband asked the nurse in the recovery room if he could just lay down on the floor, saying “I promise I won’t be in the way”. -Amber
My husband made me wait for him to finish watching Gladiator after my water broke. -One Funny Motha
While in labor with a placental abruption at 34 weeks, my husband says “I think you should calm down”. -Katie
If you want to read all 237 responses (and YOU DO), click here.
And please feel free to add your husband’s own egregious efforts below.
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