Last week, I made a simple request on the Mommy Shorts fanpage. I asked for all the ridiculous stuff your husbands pulled while you were in labor. You know, the stuff you still hold over his head.
For instance, Mike made me wait in the lobby of our building while he went to get a cup of coffee from the bodega across the street. When they were out (it was 2am after all), HE WAITED FOR THEM TO BREW A FRESH POT.
I was asking in honor of my pregnant sister (aka Dr. B) and planning on posting some watch-outs for my very nervous brother-in-law before the big event. Unfortunately, real life doesn’t always abide by my blogging schedule and sis gave birth last Friday night! (More on my adorable new nephew later this week.)
Judging from the two phone calls I had with Uncle B while she was in labor (one in which he was right by her side at the hospital and the other in which he was buying her a box of popsicles), I’d say he didn’t screw his job up nearly as bad as most of your husbands did.
You all left 237(!) examples of crazy crap your husbands pulled while you were in labor. After reading through all of them (and seriously, YOU SHOULD READ THROUGH ALL OF THEM, the thread might be the best thread ever), I have one question— What about the phrase “9cm dilated” makes men feel the need to abandon their unborn children to buy a sandwich???
From funny to divorce-worthy to I-would-totally-understand-if-your-husband-turned-up-dead, here are 28 of my favorite examples of “Crap Husbands Pull While Their Wives are in Labor”.
I wish I was making them up.
My husband and the doctor talked football the entire time I was pushing. As if I wasn’t even there, In front of them. Having. A. Baby. – Misty
My husband left me, when I was in labor, to go buy a PS3 (it was Black Friday). He will NEVER live that down. -Anne
When the nurses asked how bad the pain was from 1-10 and I said 10, my husband said “oh, come on it can’t be that bad. – Eileen
My husband went duck hunting and forgot to charge his cell phone. I went into labor while he was sitting in the bay, alone in a boat. When he came home and realized I was gone, he assumed I was just shopping or visiting family. So, he took a nap. I was prepped for emergency c-section and we had friends in boats out looking for him in the bay. SEARCH PARTIES. Finally, my Dad called the neighbors across the street to ask them to leave a note on the door of the house. While bringing the note over they saw his truck and had to go bang on our bedroom window to wake my stupid husband up. To this day I can’t even enjoy an episode of Duck Dynasty without wanting to smother him. – Rachell
I was in labor all night and ready to go in the morning. My husband was asleep in the chair and when they woke him up, he walked over to me and said, “My foot hurts.” REALLY? Get this man an epidural. – Michelle
My husband took a conference call on the way to the hospital. He asked me to please give him a signal before I had a contraction (and they were, oh, 90 seconds apart) so he could mute the call in time. I told him to either put the whole call on mute, tell them his wife was in active labor, or (and I strongly encouraged this), NOT TAKE THE DAMN CALL. -Meredith
My husband had ONE job, ONE. He needed to get directions to the hospital. It wasn’t until I went into labor in the middle of the night that I realized he dropped the ball. He tried to Mapquest the directions while driving down the highway and almost killed us. I told him if I missed my epidural window I would end his life. He took one too many wrong turns and we ended up in a dodgy end of town. After I threatened to divorce him 75 times, he finally asked for directions and got his pregnant wife to the hospital still pregnant. -Questionable Choices in Parenting
Mine was an emergency C-section. The husband was just getting off work when we found out I needed the surgery (4 weeks early with twins). We called to tell him to come immediately. He was about 4 minutes from the hospital but after 20 minutes he still hadn’t shown up. Another call revealed him sitting at home, eating a sandwich, and checking on his World of Warcraft “real quick”. -Angelia
My husband went downstairs to charge his phone and call his mom from the car. When I called him an hour later because I was 9 centimeters he said he was at Sam’s buying Tupperware. -Lucy
About 30 minutes after our son was born (a full 24 hours of labor) my husband told me he was going to head home for a bit because he was “exhausted”. – Joanish
My husband grew up on a cattle ranch, and during labor with our first he very confidently announced to the nurse that he wasn’t nervous at all “because I’ve seen this a million times with cows”. -Carrie
My husband rested the magazine he was reading on my legs while I lay dying WITHOUT an epidural. When I kicked it off and yelled at him to get whatever was touching me off, he responded with “it’s just a magazine. What else am I supposed to do?” -Tina
In the delivery room, my husband went into hypoglycemic shock because he hadn’t eaten in 48 hours. He almost passed out and had his own team of nurses and MY midwife helping him. -Tifffany
My husband took so many pictures of himself in the scrubs and mask (obviously super important to document) the camera battery was almost dead when we actually had the baby! I have pictures to prove it. -Stephanie
My husband started throwing up while I was pushing. The nurse ran out of room because she couldn’t handle it. -Lois
I was fully dilated after 18 hours and my husband said “you think you can hold out pushing until I grab some breakfast?” -Sarah
My husband grew this ridiculous goatee and wore a shirt that said TOERAG on it, so he looks ridiculous in all the photos. -Jennifer
We were out to a movie when my contractions started. Since our house is on the way to the hospital, we stopped to get our bags. I waited in the car while my husband went in… 5 minutes go by… 10 minutes… 15!!!!!! He finally comes back as I was about to go investigate (and by investigate, I mean cause bodily harm) and explained that he had food stuck in his teeth so he had been trying to floss it out!!!!!! Yeah. He’s a genius. -Amy
Mine watched TV with his face pressed against the screen because he couldn’t hear it over my pain noises! -Kirsti
My husband asked if he could “borrow one of my pillows”, because his back hurt and I had “too many”. -Parisa
When it was time to go to the hospital, my husband said he needed to shower and shave first. Seriously?? Fine. Then I asked him to wake our 3-year-old and get him ready for daycare. I waddle downstairs expecting everyone to be ready to leave and find them eating waffles and watching cartoons. I’M IN LABOR, PEOPLE!!! -Amy
At 3am, I decided it was time to go and my husband said he was getting up to get ready. I was on the bouncy ball for a half hour waiting and then went to check on him. He had fallen back asleep. -Jessica
My husband unabashedly complained about a canker sore while I was in labor. -Carrie
After I finally agreed to an epidural, the nurse explained that it would feel like a quick little bee sting. When she left, my husband says to me, very sweetly and earnestly, “I’ve had many epidurals, and I just want you to know, it doesn’t feel ANYTHING like a bee sting. It really hurts.” I replied, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you say that to me in THE THROES OF LABOR? -RealMomofNJ
Mine kicked me out of the car in the ambulance bay 9cm dilated with my bag and left me to traipse across the hospital and up two flights of stairs on my own because he didn’t want to pay for hospital parking. -Kate
Right after my c-section, my husband asked the nurse in the recovery room if he could just lay down on the floor, saying “I promise I won’t be in the way”. -Amber
My husband made me wait for him to finish watching Gladiator after my water broke. -One Funny Motha
While in labor with a placental abruption at 34 weeks, my husband says “I think you should calm down”. -Katie
If you want to read all 237 responses (and YOU DO), click here.
And please feel free to add your husband’s own egregious efforts below.
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Not sure of this counts but after I had the baby I realized I forgot to pack underware so I told my husband to bring me a pair. He came back to the hospital with a thong. I just looked at him and siad “Seriously!?! I don’t thnk so…”
Omg…i can’t stop laughing at the thong….I’m in tears here…
After 38 hrs of labor, My hubby looked at me, with this serious look on his face, while I’m pushing our daughter’s head out, and said…”well that was easy, can we do it again?” (“It” meaning have another baby)…i told him “sure, but you can carry it this time!”
After I had a surgery on my left breast, my husband asked what he would were to an event! The following morning,he woke up very early and went to work! I felt bad,infact still feeling vexed
Mine did the same thing I had to send my pap out to go buy my undies
That’s why I called my girlfriend to go buy underwear for me, can’t trust men with that. This is a very common issue, btw 🙂
I am so thankful and blessed I don’t have a story to share like this. My husband was awesome! Thanks for the laughs though!
Okay… This made mew laugh out loud. 🙂
Not during labor, but our almost 10 pound baby ended up in the NICU for low oxygen saturation. When they called my room at 3 am to go nurse her, my husband declined to go with me because he was just “so tired after everything that happened” that day. Yeah, you know, cause he was the one up since 5 am working on pushing a 10 pound baby out of his body. I still give him crap about it almost four years later now.
With our first child, he made me wait until the show “Charlie’s Angels” was done before leaving for the hospital.
With our second child, he said, “What’s the problem, you’ve been through this before..??”
With our third, he asked me to stretch out the pushing for 55 minutes so he would win the money pot at work.
With our fourth, he was perfect and even had to help deliver the baby!!
Carol, I’d love to know what you did to him between baby 3 and baby 4!
Haha I’m going to have to share these stories with my boyfriend so he knows not to mess up next time.
My husband took nearly two hours to have lunch with his mom at the hospital, after he had been helping me through contractions all morning. He’s pretty lucky the epidural finally kicked in halfway through their lunch date!
Luke decided it was his moment to shine. He cracked jokes the entire time, including asking my medical team (all women in masks) what they were making in woodshop.
At 4 weeks premature my water broke at 4am. My husband has never gotten a driver’s license so I had to drive us the 25 minutes to the hospital while dealing with early contractions. After 26 hours of Oxytocin induced labour our son arrived and my hubby had the balls to say jokingly “Well, at least we know he’s hers!” There was never any doubt about paternity, it was just his stupid sense of humour.
Home Depot arrived to install our oven shortly after my water broke – we made it to the hospital 5 hours later, had a beautiful 17 hours of labor and he left cause he couldn’t get any rest. . Two days later, he picked us up from the hospital and wanted me to make eggplant parmesan from scratch cause we had a new oven. I was having post labor contractions holding onto the counter begging him to just microwave a Mac and cheese from the freezer talking him through it. Upon completion of said EP, he gave it to the neighbor. God bless my daughter for sleeping/ nursing her way into this world.
My husband fell in a deep sleep and would not wake up to me calling him. When he finally woke up to go pee, I asked him for some ice chips and he told me he was tired and was just going to go back to sleep.
After a long labor and birthing a 10 lb baby naturally, my husband, told me that the room smelled like a deer was gutted in it.
Nice.
My jaw is on the floor.
These are all way worse than mine, but my husband insisted that my then 19 hours of labor was not *real* labor because my contractions were not evenly spaced apart “like the book says” and did not think it was necessary for me to go to the hospital when I could no longer stand the pain. We went anyway, and I was 5 cm dilated with double back labor.
This seriously made me laugh out loud!
My mom always tells the story of when she was in labor with my sister, on Thanksgiving Day, and somewhere around 20-so hours of labor my dad ate a full Thanksgiving dinner, turkey drumstick and all, right in front of her. She had yummy ice chips and broth. They’ve been divorced almost 20 years and she still holds that one over him!
I called my husband at work around 6 p.m. to let him know I was in labor with our first and he said he’d be home to take me to the hospital as soon as he “wrapped a few things up.” When we finally got there and I was hooked up to all of the machines, he went downstairs and then returned with a whole pizza that he ate in front of me knowing that I couldn’t eat because I was in active labor. And that I hadn’t eaten dinner and was starving. He said he’d save me a few slices for later. Then 14 hours and a baby boy later, he called to let everyone at the office (a family business) know the good news. And then figured he’d take care of some business while he was on the line. My doctor walked in while he was talking, looked at me still laying on the delivery bed, and told my husband he should probably take care of that later. My husband also told me at one point that hearing the doctor give me the episiotomy sounded like someone cutting raw chicken with scissors. Now for Baby #2…I have pictures of Dad sitting in my hospital bed holding our daughter, chatting on a phone headset. He moved there from the recliner when I got up to walk down the hall to get myself a drink. Labor and delivery for Baby #3 were pretty uneventful, but I made it clear that I considered being in the hospital a vacation of sorts. The husband is now a soon-to-be-ex-husband.
Okay I did not go through labor we adopted our son but the night they called to say the birthmom was in labor I was at church while my husband was at home. I called and called and called him just to get that annoying beep saying he was already on the phone (with his brother) he would not answer my call. Finally after I frantically run around the church for a few mins he calls back in which I tell him get all our pre packed bags and carseat ready to go I’m on my way home she is in labor, we lived 4 hours from the birthmom. I stop on the way home to fill up the truck and he calls me back asking if I was serious or if this was just a trail run to see how fast we could get everything ready…OMG its not a test this is the real deal! We made it to the hospital in alittle under 3 hours and were holding our baby boy with in 15 mins of his birth.
With my first child, my husband slept the entire time from time time i started having contractions to the time when i started to push. With our second things went pretty well. With our third i forgot something to wear home and baby outfits so he had to go shopping for me and lets just say men DO NOT know how to shop for women or babies!!! I had some see threw jammies to wear home >.<
My experience is pretty tame compared to most of these! Hubby’s problem is that he likes to talk. All. The. Time. So when my mom showed up to help out, he’s so busy talking to her that I’m having to hit him in the arm every time a contraction came so he would rub my back – the only thing I asked him to do (hard back labor). Also, he decided at some point that the contraction monitor was a better gauge of my pain than I was: “Oh, that one wasn’t so bad.” I nearly ripped his head off. Yay, transition!
With this next one, we’re doing a home birth, so no monitors, but I still anticipate him being so busy talking that he’s not really focused on me. Hopefully our midwife keeps him in line.
Woo hoo! My husband made the list! I thought he was bad, but now I see he was just average. It’s so crazy, right? What would make a soon-to-be-dad not realize the birth of his child is a momentous occasion? I gotta say my husband was good in the delivery room, but I have a whole piece written up about the birth of our 1st, which includes a lot more crap he pulled – like hitting every pot hole on the way from out apt to the hospital in Midtown – but it’s way longer than a blog post & when I tried to publish it no one was interested. It’s just like this – all the things men do wrong – only it was just one man, My man, so don’t nobody try to take him!
What on earth makes you think anyone wants “your” man? Good grief you have issues.
I think she was being sarcastic.
Mine wasn’t nearly as bad as these – more just funny. My husband was working at the lake (20 min away) and was rushing home to change and come to the hospital. When he got home, he dropped his phone in a stock pot that was soaking in the sink. So when I couldn’t reach him for 40 min, I freaked out. I feel bad that he lost his phone, but why was he throwing it in the kitchen sink?
this is fantastic!! LOVED reading all of the stories – I thought mine was rare…
I was in labor (induced) for 48 hours while my husband was “uncomfortable” in his chair and feeling nauseous from a sandwich he ate. The nurses were advising and waiting on him. He went home to sleep in our bed so he could get some rest. I ended up having a C-section and he decided it would be best if he waited in the recovery room instead of coming into the E.R. for fear that he would pass out. I went it alone and met up with him after surgery where he was holding the baby – smiling, refreshed and relieved.
I was in labour for almost 24 hours with my first, and my hubby’s mom brought him in a HUGE meal because she was worried he’d be hungry – while I enjoyed a meal of ice chips. Then, after I finally pushed my baby out (an hour and a half of pushing), he complained about being exhausted. Must have been all that digesting he was doing :S
I’m currently being induced in 9 days, my husband actually says hes going to stay home for the fucking dog! Honestly more hurt that that’s more important, then it is funny!
My husband got into an argument with a nurse and almost got himself kicked out of the hospital. I haven’t let him live that down.
Well when it was time for my epidural, my husband went home to take a quick shower and grab a bite to eat! If that isn’t bad enough, he dropped my right leg DURING labor, to show my doctor the outfit my daughter would be wearing home!
When I was in labor with my second, I waited at home until I couldn’t stand it anymore because I didn’t want to be in the hospital for hours in labor like I was with my first. When I told my boyfriend it was time to go, he said he needed to take a shower and shave. 45 minutes later, we left the house in a crazy snowstorm. The tank was on empty so we stopped at the gas station. He went inside to chat with the guy who worked there while buying cigarettes and chips before finally coming out to pump the gas. By the time we got up to labor and delivery, I was completely dilated but my water hadn’t broken. He went to smoke a cigarette before the midwife came to see me,and by the time he got back, I was already pushing. As soon as they moved me into the rooms near the nursery, he went home because he was tired and me being in labor kept him up all night. He was only slightly better with our third.
I wouldn’t have had more babys with a guy who could care less that I was having the first..
Wow what a douche bag!
How could you have any more kids with someone after that are u crazy
Our son was born in the morning. That first night, my husband’s parents took him to eat a fancy steak dinner while I was stuck in the hospital eating cafeteria food and playing hostess to15 or so unannounced visitors who all showed up at the same time.
I’m sorry dear
Thank you all for this! I hadn’t seen my child’s dad (don’t even want to tell you what I think of him!) since the 4th month. I hardly knew my now husband of 11 years at the time (though I already knew he was the one!) I was always sad that I was alone when my sweet son was born. This makes me smile and has healed that little part of me that resented having to be alone and strong at that one beautiful moment. Thank you!
I haven’t read all 237 responses, but did you get any from gay couples? When I was in labor with our son my wife was AMAZING, a true hero. She never left my side, fed me frozen Gatorade chips for hours, and knew exactly what to do…(and by the way, she’s never been pregnant and never wanted to be.)
She was great because she understood. Men dont get it because the dont know what we go through with our bodies. Glad she was there for you.
My husband was beyond perfect. He never slept even when I did (due to pain meds, epidural didn’t work) for 27 hours. He only ever left my side to grab a bite once in the cafe. Since I had to have a c-section he stayed in the hospital with me the 3 days sleeping on the couch and changed ALL the diapers. I’m sure there are a ton of great husbands/partners out there.
Amen. Sexuality has nothing to do with a person’s character or supportiveness.
That’s why I wish my daughter grows up to be gay…
What an odd thing to wish for. ????
Mine said I was making a “spectacle” of myself while in an induced labor with back to back contractions. Apparently I was being too loud for him. Jackass.
I stayed at home as long as I could (we live 5mins drive from the hospital). When my contractions were less than 2mins apart, I told my husband we needed to leave. We get down to the car and he gets in the passenger side! I shoot him a look and he says “oh, I thought you would drive.” I was 7cm dilated when they checked me in.
In labor with our second after my water broke at 6am. We got to the hospital at 7:30 and I was already pushy. My husband was behind me holding me up while I squatted when a nurse looked at him funny and said “You don’t look so hot”. He replied that he didn’t feel so well. The nurse had him switch out for my best friend and he scooted over to sit next to me on the bed and just as a nurse pushed a trash can in front of him he proceeded to PUKE LOUDLY next to me on the bed while I was in transition! He then moved to the toilet to puke some more before I yelled at him that he’d better get the hell out of there because I needed it NOW. He then drank some juice and couldn’t hold my leg while I pushed because he was still “a little shaky”. Yeah right.
With my first I called my then husband to tell him my water broke, he asked if I could drive myself to the hospital so he didn’t have to leave work. At the hospital he asked over and over If he could leave to go get himself dinner. We had to track him down when it was time for my epidural and after that he fell asleep. We couldn’t wake him up, he was barely opening his eyes when the baby crowned. With my second I was in labor through the night, his dad kept asking if he could go home to sleep because I didn’t need him there, he missed his bed and the hospital staff was disrupting his sleep. Both those incidents still come up at family get togethers.
These are all hilarious and I feel lucky that I do not have a funny story to write.
I had to be induced. Labor was a piece of cake until they broke my bag of waters. I had been on a contraction monitor the whole time so my husband could see how much pain I was in. I was progressing very rapidly and I was in great pain. My husband to me, “You are loosing it. You have had worse contractions then that!” When the nurse came in he had to tell her the same. She re-positioned the monitor and the needle was off both sides of the page. His response was, “OOPS! I guess you were right.” You think?
Speechless…
When you sent the call out, you said husbands, and I totally forgot what my dad did the night I was born. This was 1959, and husbands weren’t allowed in labor and delivery anyway. All they could do was pace the floor in the waiting room. So my dad went bowling. It was league night, after all. And…he bowled the only perfect game of his entire life! My mom didn’t kill him, just in case you wondered.
My dad went out for tacos! Luckily, my own husband was a peach!
I was induced at 7pm, and about 1am my husband decided to go home and “get some sleep” (I hadn’t slept at all either!) and my water broke at 2am so I tried calling him to tell him to come back. He didn’t answer, because he was ASLEEP since he’d been working so hard.
I was induced w/our first, and it took a while for things to kick in. Hubby was very excited and solicitous and kept asking how I was and what did I need. This went on all day. Well of course the pain increased dramatically and the nurse, watching the monitor, kept commenting on it soothingly, so I figured hubby was right there with me. Also I am not a screamer, and when the contractions were fierce like that, I would just lay on my side, tightly gripping the bed rail, sometimes whimpering quietly as I waited for it to pass. I COULDN’T actually talk. Well, it was getting late, and his sister called to see how things were going, and he smiled affectionately at me and told her that the contractions “weren’t too bad yet”. The nurse made eye contact w/me, raised her eyebrows, and then lead him to the monitor to explain what was what, lol. I have to say that he was horrified.
NOW I have to remind him, when he rolls his eyes “knowingly” seeing movies where women scream in pain during labor, that it really IS realistic too, even if it was not what he observed!
Hubby went home to “get a good night’s rest” the night I got induced. At 7 am, doctor broke my water. At 9 am, contractions really kicked in and still no hubby. Every nurse who came to check on me kept asking me if my husband was coming to be with me. He was drinking coffee, eating breakfast and taking care of the dogs because they were going to be caged up all day. Boo freaking hoo!
At the hospital after the birth of our second child, my husband asked if we could not stay at the hospital because he didn’t sleep well there and it hurt his back…and, apparently he won that one because we packed up and headed home, where his selective hearing allowed him to sleep through the night from that point forward. Go figure!
After being in labor all day and delivering at 9:00 at night we got almost no sleep. The following morning my husband went home to get his sugar meter (he is diabetic) that he forgot. After like 2 hours I called to have him tell me he didn’t feel good so he was taking a nap, and that he was sure I could handle our daughter on my own. After threats, and having my parents call and force him to drive back. He complained he was sick and went to the ER. I spent the entire time in the hospital alone. He is lucky I didn’t kill him. He did much better the second time. Probably because I threatened him with bodily harm if he didn’t.
What a doofus. Like most husbands. 😉
My husband fell asleep while I was in labor and was in such a deep sleep, the anesthesiologist had to maneuver around him in the chair in order to do the epidural. As he was putting the needle in my back, my husband let out a loud snore and the dr laughed. As soon as the dr left, I yelled at my hubby to get up and he acted offended!
I was two weeks overdue, had been induced and then sent home because nothing was happening. I woke up at 2 am when my water broke, shook my husband awake and told him. he replied no it didn’t and rolled over to try and go back to sleep. When I insisted that it in fact had broken, he asked me if i was sure, and how did i know. this was his fourth child…
After 15 hours of back labor and a placental abruption, mine thought it would be cute to say, “Honey, calm down!” Karma soon gave him kidney stones afterwards. Suffer, dear. Suffer.
Mine’s more funny than bad: I went to the hospital 7 weeks early and had an emergency c-section because of HELLP syndrome. I had nothing with me when we went in, I didn’t even consider the chance that I would be having a baby that night. My husband went home the next day and brought me some things, namely a men’s xl t-shirt that said “Wanna Play Doctor?” on it. Mortifying.
Why are men so stupid!?!?!
Who’s really stupid? The men or the women that married men like the ones referenced in the comments?
Lol! These are hilarious! I have to admit, my husband is a trooper in regards to labor and delivery, absolutely wonderful. When we had our first child, I was nesting like mad crazy the night before (I was in labor, and my house had to be clean for my mom). We didn’t go to bed until midnight. I woke up at 2:30 to contractions. I walked up and down the stairs a few times to see if it was real labor. Then I proceeded to time them for an hour (so he could continue sleeping). I finally woke him up to help me time them, since they were getting more intense. I even brought him the timer and paper and pen, so he wouldn’t have to get up. The next contraction, I look over to see him asleep. This happened a few times until I fit woke him up to tell him it was time to go to the hospital. 🙂
After 19 hours of back labor and an emergency c-section, my ex went bowling with his parents. What’s worse is that his parents brought him back to the hospital drunk as a skunk. He passed out in my bed (I was in the chair) and proceeded to puke. In his sleep. In my hospital bed. I made his mom clean it up and get him into the bathroom where he passed out on the floor. My nurse thought he had the flu. I. Was. Mortified.
While I was in labor, sweating like a pig and hooked up to every wire imaginable with waaaay too many things up my vag, he sat back in a chair and said “wow, I’m really comfortable in this chair.” Ummm I’m so glad for you!!
I HAVE to join in here. I was in delivery with my second child in 12 months. (Don’t even ask about our planning ability!)My husband was engrossed by the Daytona 500. He’s only a casual race fan, btw. When I mentioned “this is really beginning to hurt”, his comment? “Awww come on, suck it up. You’ve done this before”. Seriously. It’s amazing he still had the equipment to impregnate me one more time time!!!!
My guess is that most husbands sort of enjoy seeing their wives suffering a little bit, especially if it was the wife nagging to have the child. Or even if it wasn’t, there’s still a little bit of schadenfreude involved isn’t there? It’s like, my mother went through this, and her mother before her, and, well, basically every woman who ever gave birth went through this & got over it, unless it killed ’em, so I’m going to sit here and appear mildly concerned on the surface but secretly bemused that I’m not in your position right now, and knowing, with modern medicine the way it is, that you’re going to be all right soon enough, and even lord it over me eventually in the same secret way I enjoyed your suffering.
While have contractions at home with my 1st child ( it was around 6pm and my contractions were coming every 5min) my husband called up to me from down stairs (I was on all 4’s at this point) asking if I was hungry and he was going to order an Indian take-away. Then just before we were about to leave for the hospital, he looked at me and said, “are you really going with your hair looking like that?” . So not only did my husband eat an Indian take-away while I was in the throws of labour, he told me my hair looked a mess. And yes, I actually fix my hair. I tell everyone this story and will never let my husband forget it! 🙂
I feel your pain! My hubby is a talker, too. He told the registering nurse, my room nurse, my midwife, my doula, ANYONE who had ears our WHOLE life story. I wanted him to leave so I could have peace!
When I told my husband at 2am that it was time to go to the hospital, he said, “Oh, not tonight, I have a headache.”
My daughter’s dad (who fortunately I had the good sense never to marry) kept his distance from me the last month or so of my pregnancy, which probably is what kept me from delivering in prison, but he wanted to be at the hospital for the birth. I had a very, very fast labor (from nothing to a baby in my arms in 7 hours). I was only at the hospital for two hours before she arrived. I had to wait nearly an hour for my epidural and was 8cm when I got it. So I called him to tell him to hurry and get there. I said the baby is coming now. He said he needed to shower and run a couple of errands and get some lunch. I said we didn’t have that kind of time that I’d gone from 5cm-8cm in 35 minutes. He begrudgingly told me he’d hurry. an hour later, he arrived – 15 minutes before our daughter did.
Every birthday growing up I heard about the stupid thing my Dad did when I was born. Mum had gone in to hospital and he was working. He called the hospital and they said they’d call him ‘as soon as anything happened’. He happily, obliviously goes back to work. Soon enough he gets a call from his mother asking how the delivery is going. He says to her “Oh, the hospital said they’d call me as soon as anything happened…” As he was saying the words he knew he’d made a mistake. There was a silence on the phone for a moment, and then in a quiet voice Grandma told Dad she was going to hang up and call back in 10 minutes, and at that time she expected a full report. Dad learned something very important about the father’s role in childbirth that day. And never forgot it.
My wife had a 24 hour labor that ended up in an emergency c-section. It was our first child. She gets anxiety from any surgery, so her anxiety was high. She told all of the nurses to shut up and leave as she recovered. Then she told me to leave. I went home, took a shower, fed the cats, and came back a few hours later to strange looks from the nurses who cared for my baby while I was gone. My wife was not pleased.
I mean you did what she asked, right??? 😂
That’s awesome. I’m straight, but if I ever go into labor I’ll probably wish I had a wife. 🙂
That’s what midwives are for!
haha, this made me laugh out loud!
When I was in labor with my first son, we had to drive through a snow storm to get to the hospital. My contractions are 1-2 min apart at this point. My dear husband decides it’s a good idea to take a work call on the bluetooth/speakers in the car! So here I am in the passenger seat, in labor, trying (graciously, mind you) to keep my moaning down so he can make this call. When the guy on the other end asks “so, how are you doing?” because he probably heard my whimpering/low moaning in the background, my husband replies “well my wife is actually in labor and we’re on the way to the hospital” I think the guy on the phone call was speechless at first, and then smartly ended the conversation so my husband could…I don’t know… focus on driving through the blizzard and getting his wife to the hospital!?! Once we got to the hospital, though, he was great.
Second baby he was pretty good, except for when I would have a contraction (went through natural labors each time, no epidural, very little IV medication), he would look at the screen and say “wow, that one went off the charts!” and I would say “you don’t have to say that each time, I’m going through it! I know what it feels like!!” lol But overall, he was my rock through both of my labors and he never left my side, so I guess I can’t complain too much.
I complained to my husband at 3 am in the morning that I was experiencing a lot of sharp pain. He said that it was probably nothing and I should try to get some sleep. Of course, I couldn’t, so about 9 am, I started timing my contractions and they were getting to be about 5 mins apart. My husband said that I should be more in pain, but I convinced him that we should still go to the hospital to get it checked, and that the worst thing that could happen was to get sent home. He finally agreed, but not until he took a shower and fixed himself breakfast! It was about 11:30 am when we finally made it to the hospital (which was on the other side of town) and after being examined by the nurse, was told I was going to have my child later that evening (at about 6 pm)!
I was on the floor screaming with what I thought were bad early labor contractions, but later found out I was already in full labor. My husband was trying to time my contractions to see when we should go to the hospital. They were 1 minute apart, which was not what the books and classes told us we should be at this early on. So, while I was practically under our bed from being doubled over in pain, looking at his watch, he said, “I think you need to be more in tune with your body.”
With my 1st son, my husband wanted to take a shower before we left for the hospital. It was winter so between contractions I had to warm up the car and take my bags out. It was also Boxing Day so during labour, he complained that there was nothing on TV.
With my 2nd son, he kept watching the monitor and telling me when I was having a contraction. Lucky for him, he was standing just out of my reach.
My husband actually went back to sleep when I told him I was in labor…And then when we were AT the hospital, The nurse kept asking him questions about how to get her son into the University he worked at while they were holding my legs.
He was driving me to hospital in his Mustang Cobra, and we got caught in traffic over a bridge. While crawling along, my contractions got closer together and longer. During one particularly painful contraction, I beat my fist against the passenger door. “My car, my car!” he said with horror. “Your water better not break on my leather seats!”
I was in labor half the night and at around 7 am I say to my hubby its time to go to the hospital. He ran away because he said he had ‘business’ at work he had to attend to. I gave birth to our baby in our house on our bed till i was discovered by his fifteen year old niece. She arranged transportation to the hospital from our neighbors.
jerk wad, not mine!
I’m not sure where to start with my story and it has been 20 years and fresh in my mind. After 30 hours of labor, it was time to go to the hospital and my husband informs me that he needs to run across the street to get his hair cut and I have the number if I need him. After the haircut I assume we will be leaving for the hospital and then he informs me he needs to take a shower to get the hair off. Then he is hungry and is trying to make a sandwich and I inform him it is time to leave for the hospital. On the way there, he takes a random left turn and lets me know he needs to stop at the ATM because he has no money. We finally make it to the hospital and I’m left alone for quite a while and I find out why when he strolls into the room with his lunch of a turkey sandwich, clam chowder soup and soda and he says, “don’t worry honey, I didn’t forget about you, here are your ice chips.” He then proceeds to interview and film every nurse that enters the room and when it is time to film the labor, we were out of film, wonder why. Well, after 21 years we are still happily married and you have to realize that you have to take the good with the bad.
I had just had twins by emergency c-section, 6 weeks early. A few hours post-surgery I started having a strong adverse reaction to the epidural which included profuse sweating, intense itching and hallucinations. I had literally lost my mind and was threatening to unhook myself from everything and leave the hospital. In the throes of that hell my husband turns to me and says, “I’m about to head out and meet up with the fellas. We’re going to ‘pop some bottles’ the celebrate the twins arrival”. I don’t remember anything I said or did after that. Let’s just say that he ended up spending the night in the hospital with me.
Baby #1 I was told if my water broke it could be dangerous (I had too much) but i was reassured 80% of women’s do not break. We had attended Lamaze together and learned the stages of labor. I was sleeping when suddenly cramped stood up and my water broke. I was scared. This was compounded by the fact I went from water breaking to transition skipping the first four stages of labor ( I couldn’t even talk). While driving my manic husband was trying to count off 4 count breaths. I was panting when he turned and yelled at me “why cant you get to four.” The midwife explained it at the hospital as the baby was born less then 30 minutes later. He did later apologize.
While having my first son, I tore from one end to the other. His father had to leave the room because he felt like he was going to throw up….saying “It looks like hamburger meat”
I gave birth in a Cambodian hospital that, well let’s say was set up with top notch 1950’s style equipment. After 36 hours of labor and 40 minutes of pushing, my husband had to help the nurses suction our daughter out of me. I was so out of it by this point (having no pain medication at all) that I did not know my husband had helped. The day after our daughter was born my husband told me about this whole situation and directly quoted said “I mean I had to pump for 2 minutes straight. I was so exhausted.” All I could do at that point was laugh. If men only knew how much pain and exhaustion really goes into labor.
my husband decided that my induction, right as the contractions were taking off and I was getting three in a row with no break of even 3 seconds, was the BEST time possible to show my aunt an episode of Firefly. Now, I love Firefly, but I will forever associate Captain Malcolm Reynolds saying “I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you” with the start of the worst pain of my life.
Husband, I swear by my ugly faded hospital gown, I will end you.
Wow, after reading all of this, I swear my DH is a god among men! We had time though 🙂 E was scheduled to be induced and, although I didn’t realize it, I was actually in labor the whole night before. We checked into the hospital at 7am, they started pitocin by 8am, and he only stepped out of the room twice (to smoke :boo:) until 8pm when E was born. E had a little trouble at first and I needed stitches, so DH stayed with us until 2am before he ran home to let our dogs out to go to the bathroom– and he never did tell me if he needed to clean anything up while he was there! But he was back at the hospital within the hour and he slept on that rediculously tiny hospital couch all night.
LOL, I love that Firefly episode! I watched a CSI marathon the entire time I was in labor. Well, watched is a bit strong, but it was on the entire time!
I guess I had it pretty good! My husband ripped a huge, disgusting fart while I was in labor – and then got offended when I gave him the dirtiest look I possibly could. HELLO! I’m in labor! I don’t want to deal with your stink and neither do the doctors and nurses!
BAHAHA that sounds like my husband!
I told my husband in the morning that I had been in labor most of the night (he slept through it). He said okay, proceded to go hook up the horse trailer, load his horses and tell me that he was going to a branding. Telling my sister that if we needed her, to call the house where he would be at and someone would give him a message, since he didn’t think the baby would be born for quite a while. Sis takes me to the hospital and gets hold of husband. Finally he gets into town, horses and all in the hospital parking lot, smelling like a branding! Which is normally fine, but NOT when your in labor!
My now ex husband left me home to go to army reserves for the day as i labored home alone. I called him to come home and he suggested id feel better walking up and down the street. He came home around 5 when my contractions were about 2 minutes apart and proceeded to watch tv and eat dinner. around 9 he came to bed, moved me over and tried to go to sleep. Apparently i was keeeping him awake. at around 11 pm when i started to vomit and asked if we should probably get to the hospital he said ” are you sure this time? Needless to say when i got there i was 8 cm dialated and fully efaced and it was to late to even get an epidural .
omg, i totally broke out in huge loud laughter when i read this….in a silent room at that.
My husband decided the ideal time to invite his parents into the labor & delivery room was when I was laying spread eagle, everything out for the world to see, being stitched up by the doctor after our son was born. I’m sure his parents saw far more than they ever hoped to see, and I’ve never let him live it down.
After our first they were sewing me up from some tearing. My darling husband looks at me tenderly and askes “So, when do you want to have the next one?” 48 hours of 7 to 10 minute contractions and sent home from the hospital twice…yeah, I almost punched him in the face.
Someone needs to tell them it is not helpful to say things like…”Here we go.” and “This looks like a big one.”
I laughed out loud at several of these and realized that men just want to minimize the birthing. Little do they know.
My first child was early and I had a long hard 19 hour labor. My lovely ex husband was irritated that I was “deciding” to have the child on overtime hours and he
said he was not paying for any unnecessary pain medication since he witnessed many cows giving birth and they just plop them out. After our daughter was born he
took a look and her and said he was glad it was over and that she looked like a spider monkey.
It was 4am when I decided to wake up my husband (this was 2 hours after dealing with the labor on my own) and I told him it’s getting so much stronger now. “Okay tell me when we need to go so I can shower first,” he said. Needless to say, I snapped but couldn’t yell at him in fear of waking up my sister (our babysitter) and our 2-year old. I was also in the middle of a contraction when he said that. “Are you kidding me? TAKE A SHOWER NOW!!!!” was my reply in the softest angry voice I could mutter. (But I still decided to stay 2 more hours at home because the nurse said to wait it out when I called them. She thought it might go away. Yep, I was 8.5 cm when we checked in to the hospital).
Okay…just to show another side…because I love this story…with my third we had some complications and had an emergency c section. It wasn’t my normal doctor and she didn’t believe me when I said that my four weeks early baby was estimated at around 9lbs 14 OAS two days prior…yeah, I have huge kids, no gestational diabetes…anyway… So, she ignored that and made me incisions too small and couldn’t get the baby out, despite the epidural it was PAINFUL and after ten minutes of yanking (not kidding) and vacuuming and RIPPING MY INCISION TO THE SIDE, I was screaming and crying. My husband was incensed and, since he was standing next to my head, diagonal from the doctor, he leaned across me and said, gritted teeth, “you will get my son out of my wife without hurting him or her any further or we will OWN THIS HOSPITAL, you fucking stupid bitch. She told you how big he was going to be. Damn you to hell.” If I could have, I would have stood up and cheered. It was like something from a movie. My hero. And yeah…she figured it out and got him out quickly after that, but he was deeply bruised and as a result had terrible jaundice, needing bili blankets through the fifth day and had muscular trauma in his neck that he needed therapy to correct for two years afterward. I had trauma to the right side of my abdomen and hip area, have muscle spasms in the regular to this day, five years later, and my incision looks crazy. I could barely walk for a week after the c section, my normal recovery time for that is two days
I had read a list of what to pack on a baby website. One suggestion was to bring food just in case I delivered in the middle of the night and the cafeteria was closed (everyone said I’d be STARVING after delivery). My husband and I heeded the advice and packed a bunch of snacks. Of course, I ended up delivering at 230 AM and when I asked for something to eat, the doctor told me I’d have to wait until the cafeteria opened. I turned to my husband and asked him to grab me a snack out of our bags. He hesitated and then said, “I ate it all.” I was so busy being in labor that I failed to notice he was munching on my all my snacks! I was furious!
These are hilarious!
This is the best I’ve got:
At 2am I finally was in some relief from my epidural and was hoping to MAYBE take a nap before go time. My husband laid down on the couch in the hospital room, rolled over and fell asleep. He THEN started snoring and for about 30 minutes I tried to ignore it, but was just getting increasingly more annoyed with each breath he took. I couldn’t reach my call light, or my chapstick to throw at him, and he wasn’t responding to me “whisper shouting” at him. When my nurse came in to reposition me I said, “can you please wake my husband up his snoring is driving me nuts” She did, and he said, “well who can get any sleep around here with that beeping(referring to the sound of our sons internal fetal heart rate monitor) It was driving me nuts so I put the pillow over my head!”
My son is adopted but we were able to be at the birth. What bugged me was that my husband didnt want to call into work so I was the one who had to meet the girl and her entire family (her, her boyfriend(not the dad), her mom, dad, grandma, step mom, step dad, sister and I think the family dog. At 6am. My MIL came by after her work at 3pm to bring me food, saw the mess of family and refused to leave till I was tucked into a room with the baby across the building from the birth family. DH managed to get to the hospital after his work in time to give me a quick kiss and be kicked out for delivery. (this part was planned, hospital rule, only 2 in the delivery room besides the mom- so her mom and I attended) I was mentally exhausted by the time the baby was born at 6:44 pm.
I hope you beat him senseless.
My water had broken at 6pm while I was at work, they wouldn’t allow me to drive home and the doc said it was too early to come in so I waited over an hour for my now ex husband to pick me up. He was waiting for my sister to get home so that my car didn’t get left in the parking lot. When they told me at 3am to come in, he just asked, “do you NEED me to drive you? So I drove the 40 minutes to the hospital solo. After They told me I wasn’t going back home, I called him and relayed the info. He went back to sleep. Thank goodness he was great the rest of the time or I’d be a widow, not a divorcee.
Why do you women, not tell your foolish husbands long before you give birth, what you will not tolerate from him during your birth. You are pregnant, not we are pregnant.
Among the no no’s are the one that forbids his mom and dad and other men to come in during this private time and looking at your birth area. Women need to put their foot down.
Your husband has to submit to you during your childbirth becauae you are the patient and you will be exposed. Your rights as a patient supecedes his right to violate your peace and privacy.
I’m late to the party but here is a story for you…
I went into labor at 10:30am Saturday morning and, this being my first child, I didn’t know it. So I went about my day normally and really thought something was going on around 3pm. We got to the hospital at 5 pm. My brother and father arrived at around 10pm and my brother volunteers to go out and get some food for my husband. The only place open nearby is Popeye’s. My brother gets a Popeye’s meal for my husband and tries to eat it in the hospital room with me. I am starving and not allowed to eat so I order him out of the room.
My husband devours some of the Popeye’s chicken and then comes back in and sits with me and then falls asleep. I’m shaking because of the epidural so I get no sleep, and he’s snoring and well fed.
Around 4:30 Sunday morning, I start pushing. I push for over two hours and my daughter was born at 6:55 am. The next few hours are a blur but my husband keeps having to leave to use the bathroom. Around 10 am he announces that he has to go home because the Popeye’s he ate has given him food poisoning. He then goes home and sleeps on and off for 10 hours (in between bouts of explosive diahrrea) while I’m at the hospital with our first newborn daughter, ALONE.
The worst part was later when he said, “You know, you seemed kind of mad that I got sick.” “Yeah, sorry I couldn’t be sympathetic. I guess I was just a little worn out from the AGONIZING LABOR AND DELIVERY OF YOUR CHILD THAT I JUST ENDURED YOU-F&!KING-MORON-WHO-DECIDED-TO-EAT-POPEYE’S!!”
A lot of you just sound bitchy.
It’s evident that you are stupid man and you can’t fix stupid. When you go through what women go through in labor and delivery, you can tell us about being bitchy. When in labor, every woman becomes bitchy for the reason that she is in tremendous pain, moron! You probably will NEVER be in that much pain but if you are, I sincerely hope you remember what you said!
Look at some of the comments and then talk about stupid. So this guy was supposed to NOT eat. Because she was in labor, he should have endured what, no food, no water, no bathroom, what is good enough? He at Popeye’s and now she is here yelling bout the fact he ate. He slept it off too long, that should be the only issue, nit that he ate.
AND, it is your child too, not just his. When a child is born, act up, misbehaves, it is still our child. Don’t come to me saying ‘look what your child did.’ It is always our child. It is mean and very insensitive to the child. So I stand behind some, I never said all, of these comments are just bitchy.
LOL, you sound like my wife’s ex. Thanks for being an a@#$%&*! Guys like you make it possible for guys like me to find great women and kids. I get all the credit for being an awesome stepdad and none of the crap over what got screwed up during labor.
It’s not that alot of us men are not trying. When we face problems we cannot solve, we work on someting we can. 26 years of marriage has taught me to make sure she is comfortable and has what she needs first and to be honest about what I need.
The *only* reason I left the room when she was in labor was to go to the bathroom. I had a go-bag ready with food, water and phone numbers. The hospital was an easy drive.
I almost left the house to officiate a HS basketball game (scrimmage) when she was in labor. She thought she had just peed her pants, but it kept happening everytime she stood up…so off we went to the hospital, and she was definately in labor.
My water broke in the middle of the night, we made our way to the hospital and once we arrived i was put in a wheel chair, wheeled into the elevator and left unable to walk because of pain while my husband went to find a free parking spot. The elevator went up to the maternity clinic where i had to yell for help because i couldn’t walk. All for a free parking spot!!!
Haha! That is almost word for word what happened to me….except that I didn’t push mine out…I had an emergency c-section, so I had to push a wheelchair very slowly down the hall to get to the nicu to nurse because I couldn’t walk without support, and I couldn’t make the wheelchair go on my own while sitting in it.
This isn’t a birth story, but rather sadder. I had to go to the hospital for a D&C with my first pregnancy as the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat, but I didn’t miscarriage automatically.
While at the hospital, my husband (then boyfriend), wasn’t allowed into the theater with me, so he decided to go watch rugby at the pub. When I woke up after the operation, the nurses unceremoniously kicked me out, but because I didn’t have a cellphone, I couldn’t call him and I didn’t have my own transport. I ended up wandering around the hospital and eventually bumped into him as he was on his way back in…
He was much better with our son’s birth though… even cleaned up after me when I puked in the basin… I still hold that first time against him though!
My husband told me to “breathe”. My nurse who had me pushing literally would not let me catch my BREATH because she told me to push every 10 seconds..for 2 WHOLE HOURS. Needless to say..while gasping for breath, I told him to shut up. That’s it, just “shut up” and he was infuriated. I mean PISSED. You’ve got to be kidding me?!
When I was born my Dad was on a fishing trip. My mother, being Korean and not knowing any English had the most difficult time getting a hold of him. So the end result was his own personal police escort to the hospital. He arrived at the hospital with an emerald ring to give her..because after all, it was Mother’s Day, and I was born in May. Unfortunately, the emerald fell out when I was in middle school so I bought a new one to replace it. Now I refuse to touch it so that I can pass it down to my own daughter.
I think there should be another thread about crap husands pull after the baby is born. I had a hellish time trying to breastfeed my newborn son (turns out he had a tongue thrust issue and didn’t latch on until he was 5 weeks old ) and in the middle of the hospital room, amidst lactation consultants and even a ‘sucking’ specialist , my husband announces : “Honey, let me show you, this is how you do it. Its not that hard.”
men are so egomaniacal in general. yep, i paint with a broad ass brush.
my hubby went on smoke breaks during each contactions I had. I asked him to rub my aching back and he refused. I don’t know why I remember things like that. I beleive that 4th pregnancy has got to be my last. I suppose I should give him credit for being there at least. I mean he would have just stayed home and played video games, if I had given him the impression that I’ll be okay on my own. I feel so much resentment for his lack of physical and emotional support. I’m so fed up that I almost want a divorce.
I never left my wifes side while she gave birth. She said she would kill me if i left or fainted so, yeah, i was there for her…..lol
I would’ve called my nurse in and asked her to slap him! lol