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I always knew my daughter was "advanced", but by "advanced", I meant she learned her ABCs pretty early and crushed her peers when it came to sorting shapes and stacking blocks.

I did not mean she was "advanced" in the area of B-O-Y-S.

I have witnessed Mazzy demand attention from the men in her life (yes, that's plural; sorry guys, if you thought you were the only one) but I always thought her initiative was adorable and not the precursor to something much more worrisome. 

But one night last week, I found myself totally stunned when the following scenario went down…

After a playdate, her friend Charlie was getting in the elevator to leave when Mazzy turned to me.

MAZZY: Mom, I want to kiss Charlie goodbye.

ME: Okay, go give him a kiss then.

Charlie's mom held the elevator door so Mazzy could step inside and do the deed. We both whipped out our phones because what else are phones for other than taking pictures of your toddlers when they spontaneously share a goodbye kiss?

Mazzy and Charlie gave eachother a little peck on the lips.

Adorable, as expected. 

But she was not finished.

MAZZY: Charlie, let's kiss with our tongues.

Awwww….so cute…

Wait. WHAT???????!!!!!!!!!

Charlie's mom and I quickly separated them with wide-eyed mock smiles before any contact occurred. We exchanged hasty goodbyes. Then the elevator door closed and I stood there with Mazzy dumbfounded. I didn't ask her about it because I didn't want to make it into a big deal and thus give her more incentive to repeat it.

But…

WHERE COULD SHE POSSIBLY HAVE LEARNED SUCH A THING???

It's not like Mike and I make out in front of her. And we never have anything on television except for "her shows". She doesn't even watch movies that have romantic plotlines like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella. All she watches is cartoons on PBS and Nick Jr. The raciest thing she's ever seen is an episode of Dora where Diego makes an appearance.

COULD SHE BE LEARNING THESE THINGS AT SCHOOL???

I mentally went through all the kids in her class, trying to figure out who was the bad influence.

I debated emailing the teacher.

What would I say???

The teacher would totally think Mike and I had sex while sleeping in a family bed or something. That we rented out our second bedroom to couples in need of a nooner. That internet porn was open on our laptops as readily as email. That we held wild swinger parties on the weekends. It would be like that Diane Keaton Liam Neeson movie where she gets her daughter taken away from her for raising her in a sexually charged environment.

THIS WAS BAD. THIS WAS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

As soon as Mazzy went to bed, I called Dr. B.

Embarassed for my obvious failure at raising a child who retains their innocence past the age of two, I explained to my sister what happened and asked if this was normal.

Do kids start asking about sexual stuff this early?

Was french kissing something a kid could come up with on their own without hearing it from an outside source?

Is this what they're talking about when they say 'CITY KIDS ARE FAST'?

If a child is advanced intellectually, will they be advanced *gulp* sexually as well?

If she's talking about "kissing with her tongue" at the age of three, what should I expect at the age of four???

Dr. B started to talk me down from the ledge, asking all the appropriate questions and trying to make me feel better about my daughter's natural curiosity.

But I could tell she was concerned.

OH MY GOD. I THINK SHE MIGHT BE QUESTIONING WHAT MIKE AND I DO AROUND MAZZY AS WELL. THIS IS IT. CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES WILL BE CALLED. THERAPY WILL BE IN ORDER. MAZZY AND HARLOW WILL GO TO LIVE WITH THEIR GRANDMOTHER. MY BLOG WILL TURN INTO ONE WOMAN'S QUEST TO PROVE HER INNOCENCE AND GET HER CHILDREN BACK HOME.

And then Dr. B realized something.

DR. B: Oh. Wait a second. I know exactly why Mazzy said that.

ME: WHY?????

DR. B: Because I was over there with Roxy yesterday.


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DR. B: When Roxy licked Mazzy, I said, "That's how dogs kiss. They kiss with their tongues."

Oh.

OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And suddenly, my baby was three again.