I always knew my daughter was “advanced”, but by “advanced”, I meant she learned her ABCs pretty early and crushed her peers when it came to sorting shapes and stacking blocks.
I did not mean she was “advanced” in the area of B-O-Y-S.
I have witnessed Mazzy demand attention from the men in her life (yes, that’s plural; sorry guys, if you thought you were the only one) but I always thought her initiative was adorable and not the precursor to something much more worrisome.
But one night last week, I found myself totally stunned when the following scenario went down…
After a playdate, her friend Charlie was getting in the elevator to leave when Mazzy turned to me.
MAZZY: Mom, I want to kiss Charlie goodbye.
ME: Okay, go give him a kiss then.
Charlie’s mom held the elevator door so Mazzy could step inside and do the deed. We both whipped out our phones because what else are phones for other than taking pictures of your toddlers when they spontaneously share a goodbye kiss?
Mazzy and Charlie gave eachother a little peck on the lips.
Adorable, as expected.
But she was not finished.
MAZZY: Charlie, let’s kiss with our tongues.
Awwww….so cute…
Wait. WHAT???????!!!!!!!!!
Charlie’s mom and I quickly separated them with wide-eyed mock smiles before any contact occurred. We exchanged hasty goodbyes. Then the elevator door closed and I stood there with Mazzy dumbfounded. I didn’t ask her about it because I didn’t want to make it into a big deal and thus give her more incentive to repeat it.
But…
WHERE COULD SHE POSSIBLY HAVE LEARNED SUCH A THING???
It’s not like Mike and I make out in front of her. And we never have anything on television except for “her shows”. She doesn’t even watch movies that have romantic plotlines like The Little Mermaid or Cinderella. All she watches is cartoons on PBS and Nick Jr. The raciest thing she’s ever seen is an episode of Dora where Diego makes an appearance.
COULD SHE BE LEARNING THESE THINGS AT SCHOOL???
I mentally went through all the kids in her class, trying to figure out who was the bad influence.
I debated emailing the teacher.
What would I say???
The teacher would totally think Mike and I had sex while sleeping in a family bed or something. That we rented out our second bedroom to couples in need of a nooner. That internet porn was open on our laptops as readily as email. That we held wild swinger parties on the weekends. It would be like that Diane Keaton Liam Neeson movie where she gets her daughter taken away from her for raising her in a sexually charged environment.
THIS WAS BAD. THIS WAS REALLY, REALLY BAD.
As soon as Mazzy went to bed, I called Dr. B.
Embarassed for my obvious failure at raising a child who retains their innocence past the age of two, I explained to my sister what happened and asked if this was normal.
Do kids start asking about sexual stuff this early?
Was french kissing something a kid could come up with on their own without hearing it from an outside source?
Is this what they’re talking about when they say ‘CITY KIDS ARE FAST’?
If a child is advanced intellectually, will they be advanced *gulp* sexually as well?
If she’s talking about “kissing with her tongue” at the age of three, what should I expect at the age of four???
Dr. B started to talk me down from the ledge, asking all the appropriate questions and trying to make me feel better about my daughter’s natural curiosity.
But I could tell she was concerned.
OH MY GOD. I THINK SHE MIGHT BE QUESTIONING WHAT MIKE AND I DO AROUND MAZZY AS WELL. THIS IS IT. CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES WILL BE CALLED. THERAPY WILL BE IN ORDER. MAZZY AND HARLOW WILL GO TO LIVE WITH THEIR GRANDMOTHER. MY BLOG WILL TURN INTO ONE WOMAN’S QUEST TO PROVE HER INNOCENCE AND GET HER CHILDREN BACK HOME.
And then Dr. B realized something.
DR. B: Oh. Wait a second. I know exactly why Mazzy said that.
ME: WHY?????
DR. B: Because I was over there with Roxy yesterday.
DR. B: When Roxy licked Mazzy, I said, “That’s how dogs kiss. They kiss with their tongues.”
Oh.
OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And suddenly, my baby was three again.
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Oh my gosh that was awesome. I love those moments with the kids I nanny when I’m like “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!” in my head & wondering how fast I’ll lose my job if the parents were to hear & then they keep going & it is actually adorably innocent. Ahh innocence… I wish I had retained even a morsel..
Oh thank god.
But also, adorable. Heh.
I love the picture of Roxy aka “The Perpetrator” Ha!
Oh, thank goodness!!! Hehe. I woulda freaked out too.
Whew! Disaster averted! My 3YO daughter likes to pretend she’s a dog, then licks me. I hate it. But I would have freaked if she tried to kiss a boy with her tongue. Just like you.
I had totally forgotten about this picture which I adore. BTW, tell Roxy to keep that tongue to herself! Shameful.
Amazing! Thank you for giving me my first morning laugh;)
Did you call Charlie’s mom? 🙂
HAHAHAH I love Mazzy and they way she freaks you out in the regular basis 🙂
It’s a running joke around my friends that my five year old knows how to wrap boys around her fingers, and she really does. I don’t know where she got the “flirt and command” from, since I’m certainly not like that. But she has five “boyfriends”, including her “best boyfriend”. My husband is more concerned about her starting up an escort service.
Haha loved it. At our house I have to remind my three year old son why he can’t MARRY his brother and sister…now that’s a whole lot of issues wrapped into one scenario.
I can tell you that the kissing stops becoming “adorable” in kindergarten. Then it becomes a “concerning behavior”.
Nope… no experience at all here…
My daughter is still three luckily, and it’s still cute.
And I LOVE how the entire thing was basically Roxie’s fault. 🙂
This morning, my son (age almost 4) told me he wants to be a daddy. They grow up so fast.
WOW that’s strange to hear from a 4yo
Immediately! I’ve never been so quick to pickup the phone in my life.
THAT… is hilarious! The little things that we don’t even notice we say that those little sponges we call children remember!
Hysterical!!!
The funny thing is- we stopped them before she did anything, so I’m guessing, she would have licked his face as opposed to ramming her tongue down his throat. And then we would have understood right then.
Bwhahahaha. So funny. I almost fell out of my office chair.
This cracked me up! What a great laugh. Kids are so funny. I have to remind my son that he can’t grow up to marry me. The other day we were all in the car and he said “Mommy when I grow up I want to marry you!” We finally got him to settle for me helping him pick a nice girl to marry… of course I know it will never happen. I wonder if I could force him to sign a contract about that one 😉
wait, a contract to marry you??? ROXY! !
good thing you didn’t talk with her about it, then MORE questions would have come from her, and then before you know it, you have to have the SEX talk with your 3 year old!
It was an unfortunate moment when Mango was learning about how it’s a hilarious joke to say you’re gonna put whipped cream on someone’s head/nose/body part at the same time as learning that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. I thank god I wasn’t around to hear her tell her dad, “I’m going to put whipped cream on your penis!”.
That is hysterical! I laughed really loud out loud and was really glad I was working alone at home.
Yeah, and I have to tell one of my twins and her little brother that they can’t pretend to be the made-up couple they invented, Alexis and Jake. I know it’s make believe play, but when I hear, “let’s go to the park boyfriend,” I suggest a different game, like one where no one talks.
I used to work at a daycare with elementary and middle school kids and the things they knew blew my mind. One boy IN THIRD GRADE was bragging that he had sex with his girlfriend.. even though all of the adults knew he didn’t. I just can’t believe the things kids know nowadays.
Thank goodness the dog was to blame.
I am dying! This is perfect. Love that “city kids are fast” AND that your baby is “3 again”. Perfect laugh.
That comment was even funnier than the story. Couldn’t stop laughing.
I love this! My five year old came home the other day and told us he kissed his “girlfriend.” We pressed for details, but none were given. I’m a little nervous that next year he will be the kindergarten casanova.
Bahahaha I love the stream of consciousness conversation you had about city girls, etc. Kids are too much and can sometimes be pretty darn disgusting.
I love how she forgot until the end. Welcome to absent-minded Motherhood Dr. B. 🙂
My conversation went like this:
Me: Eden only mommies and daddies kiss on the mouth. We can kiss our friends on the cheek.
Eden: But I like kissing Alex. I am not going to stop kissing Alex. He makes me glow.
Me: He makes you what?????
Apparently it is too many disney princess movies. Good news, we haven’t had an incident in a while. But Alex told his mom that of course he was going to marry Eden, she told him too. Nice.
Great story. 🙂
Bahaha, I was thinking the whole time I wonder if they have a dog cause our little one used to always do this it has gotten better but she still likes to try and kiss the dogs that way yuck!
My three year old has a husband all picked out, and she told him the plan so now there’s a three year old little boy who is convinced he is going to marry my daughter because she told him he had to. Kids are funny
My boyfriend thinks it’s funny to lick my forehead when I’m least expecting it, which is always. He does did this before we had our son and dies it even now. It pains me to think that one day my poor child will go up to another child, luck their face and run off laughing. I can’t even imagine what teachers and daycare care givers will think. He’s only two months now, we’ll see where this leads.
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Cute conclusion, lol. Goes to show we shouldn’t always assume the worst, eh?