A few weeks ago Mazzy came running from the living room to find me. I believe she found me in the bathroom, but we don't need to elaborate on that.
"Mom! Mom! Mom! Come with me! I want to show you something COOL!!!"
Okay, okay, I mumbled as I (pulled my pants up and) ran into the living room to see what all the fuss was about. Mazzy had never used the word "cool" before so I was curious.
"Look, Mom! Isn't that COOL?!"
On the TV screen were the fully masked, weapon carrying, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Huh. Not exactly appropriate television for a three-year-old. I quickly shut it off.
"But MOM!!!! I like that! It's so COOL!!!"
"Sorry, sweetie but that show is for bigger kids."
"For boys?"
"No, just for older kids."
"For older boys?"
"No, boys and girls."
Sigh. This line of questioning is not new. Lately, Mazzy is very interested in the differences between boys and girls. Somehow she knows what are stereotypically "boy things" and "girl things" although she herself does not seem to have a clear preference.
At least, not yet.
She prefers stuffed animals to dolls and loves to cook in her play kitchen, but associates cooking more with her dad than with me. She likes Diego just as much Dora and alternates between asking for Jake and the Neverland Pirates and Tinkerbell on Netflix.
We let Mazzy choose her clothes in the morning and she goes back and forth between demanding dresses and demanding oversized slogan t-shirts paired with backwards baseball hats. She calles the dresses "pretty" and the t-shirts "cool". And she is equally adamant about wearing either, depending on the day.
I've written posts about Mazzy liking both "boy" and "girl" things equally before, but what's changed is that previously, the only person who associated her likes and dislikes along gender lines was me.
Now, Mazzy seems to register these differences as well.
In addition to oversized t-shirts, the "cool" category includes water guns, superhero masks and light sabers. The "pretty" category includes tiaras, bejeweled purses and ballerinas.
Her interests of the moment are most influenced by who she is playing with. She has girl friends who are very into Cinderella and tutus, and when she plays with them, she gladly traipses around in their Disney Princess heels and layers necklace over necklace.
But when she plays with boys, she is just as happy running around in a fire hat and fighting over who gets the bigger truck.
Oddly, Mazzy's dedication to pink has not wavered in two years. She'll say things like, "Mom and me like pink and Daddy likes blue" to which I always respond, "I like pink and blue". Then she'll say, "I like blue too." Although her work at art camp shows her preference for pink to be much more exclusive.
Can you guess which picture is Mazzy's?
But after Mazzy hands me her Pinkalicious-inspired art, she'll ask me to call her Buzz Lightyear for the remainder of the day. Then she'll pick Madeline for a bedtime book and sleep with an oversized Curious George.
I'm not sure why I keep waiting for Mazzy to choose a side. I like that her interests remain so varied and try my best to squash any pre-conceived notions I have about what she might enjoy. But the older Mazzy gets, the more she seems aware of what's expected.
The other day, Mike took her to a baseball game. When I told her she was going she said, "only boys play sports".
At first, I was confused. Mazzy plays soccer every Sunday and has for months. She owns every kind of ball imaginable and we play games with them all the time. I tried to tell her both boys and girls play sports but she insisted— "No, only boys play sports."
That's when I realized Mike watches football and baseball on TV and the people playing are obviously all men.
Then, while at my father's summer house, I sat with Mazzy and Harlow indoors while Mike and my father put up a fence around the pool. Mazzy told me she wanted to help. I said, no, because it was dangerous.
She said, "Daddy is doing it because he is strong."
"Right."
"Mommies aren't strong."
Oh, man. Not promoting gender stereotypes is pretty tough when you're a walking gender stereotype.
Note to self: 1) Watch women's basketball. 2) Use tools.
Alright. Maybe I can't change who I am but there is something I can do…
While I was looking for photos for this post, I noticed I take a lot of "pretty" pictures of Mazzy in dresses, but not a lot of her when she wears her big t-shirts with backwards baseball hats.
I found two.
That's my bad. Because "cool" Mazzy is equally as awesome.
I only have boys, so I don’t know what this is like, but I admire your conscientious work and determination, to present all possibilities. I really do.
It’s tough! My 8 year old daughter played football (flag, but it’s still football!!) and took ballet (which she’s done since she was 3) when she was in kindergarten. There are no gender specifics in this house. Even if they did choose to paint their rooms pink for Kylie and blue for Braeden. That was their choice.
My point is – keep exposing her to different things. Enjoy the coolness more, make a bigger deal out of it. Then the stereotyping will start to diminish, and who knows? She could be the first female TMNT!!!! 🙂
Unfortunately you can’t keep her away from gender stereotypes altogether. Other children are going to expose her.
The most marked example of this is my younger brother. My parents let him do whatever he wanted as a little kid. If he asked for barbie for Christmas, he got barbie. If he wanted to dress up as a princess or wear nail polish, they were ok with that. My sister and I would often put him in a dress and a wig and tell people he was our little sister. And this was fine, until he started school.
After his first day at school he came home and announced that he wasn’t playing with dolls anymore because he was a boy and gave me all his dolls. He wanted to be like all the other boys and the other boys didn’t play with dolls.
It’s maybe a little easier on girls that want to do boy things, because a tomboy in itself has kind of turned into a gender stereotype of it’s own, but if there’s something she wants to do never let her talk herself out of it just because it’s not a girl thing or not a boy thing, whichever she decides to prefer.
I am a male and I loved wearing my mums and sisters knickers and I still wear knickers years later and sleep in a nightdress
Just let her find her own way. She is still developing her sense of what she is and is not (do we ever stop?). Sydney was the princess, girly-girl type until about 5. Now she plays (tackle) football and any other sport she can. Wearing a dress only serves to “ruin her tomboy rep”. She still does have a girly side, though. She is all about puppies.
Has she tried wearing a pink princess dress with a backwards blue hat? I think that would be perfect attire for her.
It’s so funny you wrote this, my daughter is also 3 and just recently Peyton has been saying the exact same things. She told me yesterday only girls were allowed in her room…she even kicked the poor cat out!
I enjoy Mazzy’s post so much! She has such a great personality and I love that you share with us her development and growth! She is a very fascinating little girl!
Women’s basketball?is she being punished?
We let our daughter pick, sort of. When she was little she wore her brother’s hand me downs. Then she got a box of clothes from my Aunt (she lives below the Mason-Dixon line, so you know the girls clothes are just, well, girlier). After that, we had 10 solid years of dresses.
I would point out that your little girl is looking for input from you for appropriate female behavior. At it’s root, we want to have good people, but there are, for good or ill, expectations for boys and for girls. She won’t thank you for the pressure to go back to work with a 3 month old baby, for instance. It’s good to let her know that her color preferences or favorite toys are not necessarily “boy or girl”, but I had one of each and there are forces at work that are beyond what we can influence. Don’t be afraid to embrace the “girlishness” or your daughter or the “boyishness” of your boy.
I have a boy and girl. What I usually observe is my daughter will play with boys, with what you would call boys toys. She would wear gender neutral or boy colors, as much as any color. She likes blue a lot, but she doesn’t like brown or gray. She wears pants and tights as frequent as she goes for her princess costumes and tutus.
My son on the other hand, play with girls but not what you would call girls games. When they play with dolls together, it’s either jail or police game. He wears pink and fuchsia (t-shirt) as any other color.
In summary, I cannot tell exactly what portion is nature and what portion is nurture but it seems my daughter is not afraid to go and embrace “boyishness” if she wants but my son doesn’t seem to explore “girlishness”. He is more aware and questioning the “boy vs. girl” toys, games, colors” than my daughter.
My 3 year old daughter told a six year old friend that her favorite movie was Star Wars (yes, I know, we let our 3 year old watch Star Wars…I lost that battle with my husband). The 6 year old told her that it was a boy movie, and I quickly jumped in to say anyone could like it. It was a frustrating moment, though.
My 4 year old son has started lecturing me on what is for boys and what is for girls quite regularly. My 22 month old daughter will then beat him over the head with a Light-up TMNT Katana (With Battle-Sounds!) while wearing a pink tutu and some sparkly fairy wings. Take that stereotypes! 🙂
It’s funny how even when you don’t teach kids to gender stereotype, it just happens. My five year old son will say things like “dad is strong and you’re not,” and “he’s the boss” ha my husband and I both laugh at that one. I’ve tried to give him dolls but he has no interest (unless he could make it a weapon). For boys, there’s a hole other hook of “be a man” even at a really young age and holding feelings in. I’m trying to knock that out but it’s hard when they’re exposed to all this stuff on a daily basis.
That’s awesome
I prefer to have my husband drive … no sexism involved, just I prefer the passenger role especially in the city as I grew up country so city driving makes me nervous. We have two cars, and we each have a preference so have “Mommys car” and “Daddys car”. My three year old had a fit once because we had my car on a trip and my husband was going to drive … she freaked out but we refused to cave to her tyranical demands and just said ” No, Daddy is driving”.
The next day, she was calm and happy again, and when we got in the car – him driving – she said ” Is Daddy driving?” was quiet when we said yes, then said ” … because Mommy is stupid at driving?”
?!?!?! So yes … sorting out gender stereotypes vs personal preferences is hard! (especially when sandwiched in with “we-do-not-use-the-word-stupid-ever!” convos!”
Having a boy here, while being French, is quite a challenge. The gender difference here is stronger than in my country and I have a hard time adapting.
My boy is right now bulding a ninja dragon Lego, while sporting washed magenta pants and a red checker shirt. I know. Magenta is a pink and it’s a fordbidden color for boys here but I just can’t abid to the rule. I bought them in France, along with a light mint one, another color that is not really boyish here. USA is the only country I know where color gendering is so strong that some colors are forbidden. I keep buying French and English clothes in cute colors like orange or lime green. To me the navy blue and mandatory khaki for boys here are military colors…I’m really not ready to dress my boy like a cadet.
I find that pink is nice and a lovely color, but I don’t want it to be mandatory for girls,and for girls only!
Very interesting observations of Mazzy especially at such a young age!
I love this. I have a very “boyish” 3 year old son who, despite my best efforts, does watch the “cool” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (ugh husband) but also likes to have his toenails painted with me.
We are also working on deciphering gender roles and he has said the “Daddies are stronger than Mommies” comment a few too many times for my comfort, but he also thinks cooking is for Daddies (thanks husband!)
Such a tricky topic, this one.
Why are mom bloggers so obsessed with writing about their gender bending children? Yeah for you, you’re raising such a well rounded child.
Good thing this blog is voluntary reading, right?