Lately, I’ve been noticing people are way more concerned about the safety of my 18 month old than I am. They see her walking toward a flight of stairs or heading up the ladder of a swing set and immediately they run to pull her away before she hurts herself.
I always run a few beats later for appearances sake. I don’t want to be accused of negligence and I assume they think I’m not paying close enough attention, which is why they feel the need to step in.
I don’t blame them. She’s a baby. Instinct tells you to save her. I’m glad that is most people’s instinct, just in case it’s ever necessary.
But please understand— I am paying attention.
I just like to see what my baby can do before I rush to her aid.
Remember the video of Harlow walking down the stairs for the first time? Everyone was amazed that I didn’t lunge for her when she stumbled. I was sort of alarmed at myself that I didn’t either. But because I didn’t, she recovered without falling and made it down all on her own.
I’m honestly not sure whether my laid back parenting style is due to recklessness or laziness. It seems exhausting to hover over your children and worry they will injure themselves at every turn.
Or perhaps there’s some desire to prove my babies are wiser than their years. “Look how Harlow knows to stay away from the edge of the pool! She’s so advanced!”
I like to get a feel for Harlow’s instincts too. I would never know she understands a pool is something to walk around instead of walk through, if I kept her tethered to my lap the entire time. And it’s not like I leave her by the pool while I run off to make myself a drink inside the house. I’m right there. Maybe not in arm’s length but close enough so I can dive in if something goes awry.
I am always watching.
At the new house, I was really nervous about Harlow having access to a flight of stairs for the first time. Her room is upstairs and I imagined my baby flinging herself over the side of her crib, wandering out of her room and falling down the steps in the middle of the night.
The first weekend, we put a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs when we were downstairs and then moved it to the top of the stairs after we put the girls to bed. We were diligent about making sure their access was restricted at all times.
I’m not going to lie, constantly opening, closing and moving that baby gate was a pain.
Our plan was to purchase two baby gates for the top and the bottom, but the following weekend, two seconds after entering the front door, I heard “Momma! Momma!” from above. I realized Harlow had already climbed to the top of the stairs before we had a chance to put up the baby gate, and was asking me to help her come back down.
I actually took it as a good sign that Harlow knew when to ask for my help.
I held her hand lightly, to let Harlow figure out how to balance without relying on me too much. When she pulled her hand away to try it on her own, I let her.
By the end of the day, she seemed pretty competent. I would stand at the top as she worked her way up and stand at the bottom as she worked her way down. I could see that she was cautious and thoughtful about each step.
As her confidence grew, so did mine.
Ultimately, Mike and I decided we don’t need the baby gates. Is this the right call? I guess we will find out, but we survived the weekend without incident.
Mike has always been a tough love kind of guy. He’s very sweet with the girls, but he also tests them. If they fall, his immediate reaction is “Shake it off, shake it off! You are fine.” All without rising from his seat.
Nine times out of ten, he is right.
When Mazzy was a baby, this was not my instinct, but I watched my husband’s hands-off approach and saw that it worked. There are way less tears if I wait to see if Mazzy is hurt, than if I inform her reaction with my own.
Now that Harlow is running around at full speed, I always notice people looking around concerned, wondering why her mother isn’t immediately by her side.
I’m there. I’m just not hovering. I’m curious where she will go and what she will do without me guiding her. And I’m never too far that I can’t stop her from getting into any real danger.
When Harlow stumbles, people gasp and rush to help her, certain their quick reflexes are what stopped a horrible situation from getting worse.
But, they are wrong.
Harlow would pick herself back up, brush her hands off and keep running without their interference too.
My girls, they are tough.
I don’t know whether they were born that way or Mike and I somehow stumbled upon a parenting philosophy that works for us. God knows we fail in so many other ways.
But I do know, that if you stop my baby from stumbling toward a staircase, that’s great. I wouldn’t want you to act otherwise.
But don’t assume I’m not paying attention.
I might just know my baby a little better than you do.
And I might actually be doing something right.
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Maria Montessori! Love it!
So funny I was just considering this myself the other day ‘why am I always the last one running toward my babies when they are doing their risky business?’….My kids also have a tough love daddy and I do really feel that they can trust their own balance, coordination, and decision making, which will hopefully serve them well. I totally support you Llana!
You took the words right out of my mouth! I often think about why my reaction time seems so much slower than others! Really I just want my boys to explore the world on their own, and test their own limits.
Love this and completely agree. And to the woman monitoring every breath her 3 year old took but somehow managed to find the time to inform me that one of my one year old twins put a children’s instrument in her mouth AT A CHILDREN’S CONCERT, I’d recommend this read as well.
Good call. Anna is afraid of a lot of things — inanimate objects turning into monsters, the dark, vegetables — but she is great at falling down. I don’t know if credit all goes to Steve, because it was he who cared most for her when she was tiny. I’d bring her to the playground and she’d scale the highest structure. I saw other parents biting their nails but I knew he’d done this with her before and that she’d probably be okay.
So well said. It was nearly impossible with my first not to freak out when she legitimately fell and/or hurt herself. Now with our second I can see how much my reaction influences the severity with which they react, and the second seems much more mellow…probably because we are as parents.
I am totally with you. I think second kids need a little more space too – they watch the older one doing stuff and it would surely eventually crush them to be mollycoddled when they want to be copying and learning. Rubbing away the pain works in our house too. And I’d rather take tuts and shaking heads than raise co-dependent kids. Even if my mother in law is freaking out… It doesn’t always come naturally to let them go do their thing (“really? The big big slide?) But I refuse to be the parent who taught them unnecessary fear. Good post.
I used to teach swimming lessons to small children. I always found that if the kids accidentally slipped underwater and you acted like it was no big deal (or acted like they were super awesome putting their face underwater) they were just fine. The moment mom started freaking out “oh, baby are you okay?!” is when the kid would start crying like it was the worst thing in the world. They knew crying would give them attention, and then would be afraid of trying new things because they would get “hurt.”
so great! we really need to let our kids take risks more often, how else are they going to learn? this article is great if you haven’t read it yet! http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/03/hey-parents-leave-those-kids-alone/358631/
That is exactly the way I parent. Do I wince when my baby girl gets hit hard in football or hit with a pitch or when my son is tackled really hard? Yes. However, I wait to see if he/she is really hurt before I go rushing out to the field. In fact, my kids have told me in no uncertain terms that they would prefer me to NOT come on the field. They are calculated risk takers. I think rushing to their aid or holding them back because of my anxiety only hinders their ability to try out new things without fear.
Ditto. My kid is great at falling down and getting back up! But I wouldn’t have known this if I came to her rescue each time.
Agreed!
I wish I could do this so easily. Lucas is awesome, but he’s always been a klutz. Since he was two, he’s been rolling down stairs + sailing from the top of playgrounds. Once I saw him take a fall from so high up that it still gives me nightmares. Now, I force myself to stand back because I know hovering is bad news, but on the side I am pretty much always screaming. It’s like my own personal Silence of the Lambs.
Yes! This is such a pain point for me. There are some that are close to me that have gotten upset more than once that I don’t hover. But my 20 month old is confident, and physical, and independent. She has taken a tumble or two, but she brushed it off and tried again. I love that about her.
Very timely. When my 6 month old was trying to master sitting up, he was sitting on a blanket on a rug…he fell backwards and his head kind of bounced a bit. I was all panicky like are you ok??? I’m so sorry buddy, are you ok??? I picked him up and hugged him, you know what he did when he saw my reaction to being panicky? Started crying REALLY HARD! The next day, he was sitting up and fell sideways and I looked and said…oooopsssy! you’re ok…look at the kitty cat! And no tears were shed. It’s so true babies really do read how we interpret situations and base their reactions/feelings on that. Because of that, I try to be cool and calm….key word “try”. 😉
Totally with you. I always err on the side of, “you’re okay!”, so much so that one time Hazy went down the slide and hit her head pretty hard, and I was like, “you’re okay!” and she wasn’t. But the other 99 times she was!
We have baby gates up at the top and bottom of the stairs at my house, but to keep the kids on the level that we want them, not for safety reasons. Sometimes mommy needs peace upstairs 🙂
The reaction is so important, kids cry when they think they should! While we did do baby gates at our house the kids waited until they were older to fall down them… long after the gates were gone. They still bounce, it’s still terrifying, but so far we’ve managed to survive!! (and no matter how close you are you can’t get there in time, it’s like watching it happen in slow motion, and yet, still there isn’t time to get there!)
“It wasn’t until my 20s that I learned to push my body to do things my mind thought were dangerous.”
http://oururbanplayground.com/2013/04/the-quiet-playground/
So glad you are talking about this in such an open and relatable way.
Jennifer
I’m one of those hover parents that winces when a kid, any kid, gets on a play structure, goes to the pool, bikes, runs in a field, takes a bath, sits in a chair. I apologize. I’m medicated for it. I don’t know where it comes from and I hate it! I admire those parents that let their kids figure out the world and don’t assume they will fall and break two legs and get a concussion every time they go up the slide.
Keep it up! You are doing great and so are they! We parent the same way. The mommy wars need to stop! People need to do more supporting and less judging!
We had the same realization about the baby gates. When we bought it and installed it, I thought it would be there for years. But it was really more like 6 months. By the time he was about 14 months, I felt confident that he wouldn’t throw himself down the stairs so we left the gate open most of the time. And when we moved when he was around 16 months, we didn’t even bother putting the baby gate back up in the new house.
I couldn’t agree more – I have B/G Twins who are 20 months… it is hard to keep up any way.
I let them explore and I believe they are better off for it.
Caroline was halfway up the chain ladder at the park… I was standing there while she was climbing and a women was giving me the look like “hold her”… please she made it all the way up and had a smile so big – what an accomplishment!!!
James has been climbing on everything since he was about 11 months, so by now he is a expert….
I keep my eye on them but do not rush to them as I think that will make them scared and could cause a problem…
I just love everything about what you wrote! I have the same, watch-and-see parenting approach, and it works wonders for us. I’m pretty sure my friends think I am cold and heartless for standing back and watching, instead of running in at every possible moment. But hey, my kid is the one who isn’t a cry-baby drama queen, knowing she’ll get attention for crying/whining at the drop of a hat. If she’s genuinely hurt, I’ll comfort her for as long as needed – until it turns into fake crying. Then I’m all – suck it up and move on.
Totally true! Also, I love that you post pictures along with your writing. It’s wonderful to see your girls growing up!
I too moved into a house with stairs when my youngest was around 18 months and we let the kids work on mastering the stairs while stripping wallpaper in the same area the first night we had the house. Now a year and a half later we have only had one fall down the stairs which happened only because my son holds his breath when he is mad and passed out on the third step and fell down them, he was fine.
LOVE this parenting style! How great that you put faith in your kids and let them develop independent skills that will help them in the long run! They are lucky little girls!
I can completely relate. I’m not hovering, but I’m always watching. We let Margaret explore on her own, and I’m actually more relaxed than my husband. When she falls, we say “up again.” She fell off the couch recently and I held my breath not wanting to prompt her reaction, and she just popped up and kept going. She still has a thing for playing on the stairs; I wish she was as cautious as Harlow. Maybe if I just let her do the stairs without holding my hand she would be.
Love this!! My husband and I parent very much the same way and I sometimes feel guilty and judged.. But I don’t want clingy dependent kids who are afraid of the world.. The trick is finding that happy medium 🙂
Love, love, love this post – so true!
The sooner they fail/fall, the sooner they learn and the sooner they succeed!
I agree. Never do for your kids what they can do for themselves. It teaches them independence, perseverance, and confidence.
I agree with you. Putting this into practice is tough.
I love this because the ENTIRE article is how our day to day goes! My daughter is almost 14 months and I always notice people glaring at me when I don’t rush to her side when, like you said, she’s too close to the pool or nearing the stairs. Others always comment on how advanced she is when she climbs up and down stairs and in and out of the kids’ pool on her own. Or say “she’s so easy going” when she wipes out then hops up and keeps going. I like to attribute that to our laid back parenting. Congrats on hitting it on the nail!!!
little birds need to trust in themselves, trust in their wings. If you support the branch they choose to rest on, how cannot learn to trust in their wings? But the best part about this story, is Harlow’s ability to ask for help when needed. Her knowing you’re their to help when she asks for it is comforting.
AAAAAAAAAA-men! I parent similarly with regards to safety, boundaries, etc. I drives me crazy to watch parents hover over their children. I wonder to myself how they EVER know what their child is capable of! But, I smile politely, because I’m sure my methods drive them crazy too! 🙂
Absolutely agree. Kids need to climb, explore, and sometimes fall down. Hovering over them waiting to catch them if they fall does no one any favors. Both of my kids are fearless, which causes me a few caught breaths, but they need to discover the world in their own way, which sometimes means a few scraped knees and knocked heads.
The first commenter beat me to it but all I could think of while reading this is the quote from Maria Montessori “Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” Great job Mama!
When my friend’s babies would fall downg, her and her husband would both smile and clap and say “ha ha ha – babies fall down – ha ha ha”. It would totally distract the child and 99% of the time, there would be no crying afterwards. Lesson learned – if you as an adult make a big deal out of it, so will the child.
We have the same approach, we stopped using our baby gates really early, don’t react until he does when he falls unless we know it’s bad and he knows when he needs help and asks for it. Don’t get me wrong, he did try to climb off the kitchen counter the other day (yes, we let him sit up there!) but my reaction let him know that is was really unsafe and he won’t do it again. I try to save the big reactions for big stuff, then he knows what can really hurt him and what he just needs to consider a little harder. It’s not a conscience decision we made though, it’s just our style in life.
What I really love most about this post is the point that each child’s parent(s) know them best. Really gets to the heart of parents who give other parents unsolicited advice, or worse, comment behind someone’s back about their parenting. I remember before I was a parent thinking I would never be able to figure all this out…and then watching friends who are parents made me think they had a secret key to parenting. What it is really about is knowing your kid and trusting both of you to let them find their boundaries and being there when they succeed and when they fail and urging them to keep at it. Cheers to Harlow for her bravery!! (and to her mama and dada’s bravery at letting her grow into herself)
I am the same way. We have never been the overprotective hovering panicy type and our son doesn’t get hurt very often because he has learned on his own what he can and can not do.
He’s been in our boat since he was 3 weeks old when he was just learning to walk he would sit right on the edge, when we weren’t moving, of our bay boat (sides are only about 6″ tall) He learned by falling in one time that that was not the place to sit tell him over and over wasn’t going to work. He had a life jacket on we were sitting still there was no harm to be had. We actually rescued his pacie before him because he wasn’t freaking out and it was actually going to sink. Guess what he doesn’t ever sit on the edge anymore. The few times he has been seriously hurt (front tooth almost knocked out on a tampoline at a party) he didn’t even cry and while all the other parents were freaking out I calmly put it back into place and held ice on it. If I ran to him everytime he stumbled he would be to scared to do anything and go into a panic when something did happen to him.
A few years ago, I accompanied a friend to the playground and watched a totally different scene from when my kids were small. Every single parent was standing under their four or five year old with their hands up, as if to save them from danger, as the kid climbed the jungle jim or whatever it’s called these days. It was my first time watching modern day helicopter parenting. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. These kids were old enough, and they were fine, and they should have been left alone to play.
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I feel the same way. I “helicopter parented” my first and he’s such a Nervous Nelly, always afraid and my second just wants to do everything his brother does, so I stand back and let him try. I’m always near by if there is a need but I don’t hover around him. He’s small for his age, too, so sometimes people assume he’s younger and shouldn’t be climbing the playground at the school, never mind that he’s been climbing it successfully since he was around 2 and he’s now 4.5 yo. You work your parenting magic, Ilona, and don’t worry about the judgements. 😀
I do this too! I think it is the way to go! Who cares what everyone else thinks.
So far, this philosophy has worked for my two boys as well. My husband is a little more on the hover-y side, but generally, we subscribe to the idea that they will have to learn to fall down and get up on their own. We are there, watching, but mostly, we let them try to do things themselves.
My mom and my husband are much more helicoptery than I am. My guy runs up and down the stairs all the time (he’s 2 1/2) and the only time the baby gate is up is when I am feeling too lazy to go investigate what he is doing in the not baby-proofed bathroom.
The other day he stuck his finger in a fan. It had plastic blades with soft edges and was turned on low, but every time he had tried to do the same with grandma around he had been scooped up and taken away from it – which only made it MUCH more alluring. I watched as he ran his finger over the cover and then got brave and stuck it between the plastic. He looked shocked that it hurt and looked at me like “so that’s why you keep telling me not to do that!” The next day he stopped beside the fan and looked at it and said “That hurt. That hurt Evan finger mommy. Don’t touch it!”
OH and this all reminds me of a bit from Christopher Titus’s “Norman Rockwell is Bleeding” regarding the difference in his parents’ parenting styles.
People have done this with my 2 year old since she started walking at 9 months. It irritates me when people act like I don’t care, but I know her well. She is more coordinated and trips less than my 5 year old! As parents we know our children and love them more than anyone else can imagine.
I didn’t look through all the comments (sorry, short lunch break!) so not sure if this was mentioned. But if not – there is a school I believe it is in Australia where they did an experiment of reverting to “playground rules” aka nothing (unless obviously reckless such as jumping off a building) was banned. Just like the good ol’ days when I remember running amok on the fields and in the forest with nary a teacher supervisor in site. Interestingly enough, they found that not only did the number of accidents go down (because the kids learned their own limits) but also the bullying incidents (probably because the kids could actually, you know – do stuff).
Anyway, I am also VERY much hands-off with my younger daughter. Which lead to her trying to copy her beloved big sister’s gymnastic moves, which lead to her now being able to perform tricks kids twice her age are incapable of.
I used to feel a bit guilty about my lacksidaisial attitude, until I went to Thailand and witnessed a 5 year old playing. With a stick of fire. As in he lit a stick on fire, and started twirling it around like a professional, while his adult companions flutuated between encouraging and ignoring him, and when he accidentally touched his leg and got singed, didn’t rush to his aid but waited for him to come to them, checked to ensure not serious, then shrugged. Which lead to him not crying, but picking up the stick again – this time watching the older kids a bit more carefully and noticeably adjusted his previous mistake.
So again – yeah. Within reason (the above example is true but I should point out that while it was indeed “fire” it was special fire which did not ignite people/clothes nearly as quickly as regular fire) I am on board the “let kids be kids” train too!
This is our philosophy on parenting, as well. Of course, it really is hard to watch your kid play on the playground when all the hovering parents are blocking your view. Our second has developed physically so much faster than our first (most likely because of his older brother) so we have had to let go earlier this time, but he’s a tough little cookie. I only put the gate up at the bottom of the stairs when I can’t see the stairs and don’t want to constantly worry about it, like when I’m cleaning the kitchen.
Yes! I also let my twin girls (14mo) explore without me hovering. Us mommies know what our kidlets are capable of… Strangers just see a baby that could fall at any minute.
Love it Iliana! This is exactly my parenting style and I can never describe why I don’t rush for my daughter without sounding callous and unloving (I am anything but in all strains of my life!) but this is beautifully and eloquently put. Thanks x
I am the tough love dad. Kids play kids fall and they get back up and do it along again. Now if my mother in law would also heed this advise.
My sister-in-law once noted that it was because I was so calm and laid back about the risks that my son takes (and, to be honest, he’s not the most rambunctious kid) that he felt the same about taking those risks and has built his confidence. Since we transitioned him to his twin bed, I haven’t put the gate at the top of the stairs. To date, he hasn’t even ever gotten out of bed without my husband or I first coming in to get him. But, even if he did he climbs up and down the stairs skillfully. Keep on keeping on with laid back parenting!
This reminds of the book, Raising Up Bebe, which I finally just read. French parenting is pretty see-what-happens and I’ve come to adopt it. Partly because, like you said, the alternative is exhausting, and second, because I have 2 children and am much lazier with the 2nd one.
My kids have lived in a 2 story home their entire lives, and have known how to navigate stairs since about 30 minutes after they could crawl 🙂 Other people have always been infinitely more concerned about them going up and down than I have, partly because I know I taught them how to be cautious and how to safely go up and down, but partly because it was a part of their every day lives. I KNEW with 100% certainty that they would get to those stairs when I wasn’t looking/close by/forgot to close the gate…etc. They had to learn to do it on their own!
Bravo! Love it and totally agree with this approach. I just don’t get worked up when my boys hurt themselves, or even when they’re doing something where they *might* hurt themselves but I can tell it won’t be all that bad if they do. I think the people around me must sometimes think I’m negligent or indifferent, but like you, I’m always watching. I’m always right there. Kids NEED to take risks and hurt themselves sometimes, or they won’t know their own boundaries or abilities.
Do what you think is right. Nobody knows what they’re doing with this parenting thing and anybody who pretends like they do is pretending.
I am the most laid back mom I know and I still get so nervous when my toddler is around the pool, climbing on the playground sets and running down the street. I’ve witnessed so many close calls on the playground especially around bigger kids who don’t notice toddlers. I try not to hover but for me, it’s a thin line between playing it cool and wanting to vomit inside when I see my son running towards the swing and almost get clipped by an 8 year old.
Well said! I took my daughters (ages 2 and 3) rollerskating for the first time over the weekend – with trainer skates; they did great! – and when I spoke to my grandmother on the phone yesterday, her response was, “Aren’t you afraid they’re going to fall down and break something?” Uh???…I guess that’s why MY mom doesn’t know how to skate. Or swim! Sheesh. Kids are tough, resilient and a lot smarter than we give them credit for; why hold them back?
I have almost the exact same attitude as you, and I get the same reaction. The thing is, if my kid was a little more on the reckless side, or wasn’t very surefooted, then of course I’d do what I could to make sure she didn’t really injure herself. But my little girl is pretty agile. So I let her climb the playground ladder unassisted at 18 months. And the other playground moms looked on … horrified. Including my own mother, to be honest. We also skipped baby gates on our stairs, but my mother went and bought a giant dog bed to place at the bottom of the stairs “just in case.” I figured if it helped her sleep at night… Anyway, we lived with it for about 6 months, until our girl was a stair climbing professional. I understand that terrible things happen, but I believe these things are freak occurrences, and those rare accidents shouldn’t make us go to extremes. Just my two cents.
I didn’t read all the comments so sorry if this copies someone else!
Honestly I think you might have more trouble with this with Harlow, because you have mentioned she is on the smaller side, and also because she is so advanced for her age. I mean, she’s been at this whole walking thing for a year!
My 17 month old is also super small (and BTW, I loved being pregnant “with you”!), and looks young for her age because she doesn’t have much hair yet. She looks more like a 10 month old. But, the only difference is she started walking late – only a month ago. So, for me, I really do have to watch her like a hawk. She has no idea that she shouldn’t climb everything thing in sight, and I have rescued her from almost seriously hurting herself multiple times. I am surely looking forward to when she gets more stable and I can back off.
So, I think when people see your petite daughter doing things the typical 2 year old has yet to master (flights of stairs already?!?) they probably just don’t realize she can do it.
I feel I ran into a similar, but different, situation with my 3 year old. She was an early talker, and is verbally very advanced. I could communicate freely with her at a young age, and she was also tiny and looked young for her age. People thought it looked crazy that I would talk to this little baby the way I did, and even more so, that she would understand and respond to me! But for us, it was normal.
Very kindly and encouragingly put. My hubby is the one who got me to stop gasping every time one of our babies would stumble. As a result my children have healthy balanced reactions (most of the time). As much as all mothers keep their eyes on all kids out of basic instinct it is important to acknowledge that each of us knows our kids as only a mother can. They can’t conquer anything if they are in our arms at all times.
Hey
You are being a totally good parent. We do the same and that’s how our parents were and today’s generation of mothers over reacts over their kid’s small issues which doesn’t let them grow into the little bumps and falls along the way(and in a way makes it harder for other parents as well) anyways to each their own .
Anyways what I would like to point out about the video you took in which Harlow stepped down the steps all on her own. In that video the moment she was wobbly if anyone noticed the camera(read: mom) also skipped a heartbeat. Take a look at it again and see that you did have a brief moment of worry for your child falling. So deary, that makes you a perfectly normal mother!
This parenting style is called “lazy”? Hmmm….I guess I’m lazy then. We have baby gates, we don’t use them. We use the “you don’t do stairs w/out Mom or Dad” approach and have since the beginning (he’s 2 now)…it took a lot at the start (redirecting/correcting when he became curious) but he’s fine w/ the stairs now. Will do the same when the time comes w/ my 5 month old. We live on a farm and lead a really outdoors/active lifestyle. Our ‘toys’ are lawn mowers, tractors, and four wheelers (keys off, of course)…he loves it, I love it. Life is good.
Great post. Doesnt take long for people to rip you off does it! http://alameda.patch.com/groups/kate-bassford-bakers-blog/p/bp–please-dont-help-my-kids
I am so totally with you on standing back and letting kids find and figure things out for themselves, but as a doctor, the most common injury we see in kids is falls down the stairs. We always recommend a gate at the top and bottom of the stairs and one that screws into the wall or banister!
Awesome. Your kid will never know what she can do until she tries it. I strongly believe in teaching kids how to judge risk well, which does involve falling and failing sometimes.
Totally agree! I wrote about how hard it is to be laid back when parenting, but how beneficial it can be for the kiddo! http://momshar.com/being-laid-back-isnt-easy/
Thank you! Yes, we are ALWAYS watching. It is a moment of beauty to see my sons learning and figuring out what they needed to do NOT to get themselves hurt, and I would have never been able to see it and they would not have learned and been capable as they are if I had been a constant hovering presence! Thank you for writing about it so well.
You made the good point of knowing your child. I do know my child and she can compete on the swim team at four years old and dive to the bottom of a 15 ft pool and speak two languages..but she can’t handle high play structures. For some reason she is not aware of what her different body parts are supposed to be doing, she gets it from me, I am a total klutz. I work with her and encourage her but don’t get out of arms reach when she is out of her comfort zone on the playground. My hands-off husband allowed her to fall from a high place and she broke her arm. Now her confidence level is lower than ever and she won’t even try the jungle gym. You got to know your kid.
I’m still mad at the guy at CVS who yelled at me to “catch your baby! she’s gonna get hit by a car!” with teeth sucking and head shaking as she ran out the door. Onto the sidewalk (NOT into the street!)
I told him to mind his business because — “I might just know my baby a little better than you do.”
Thank you for writing this! You pretty much summed up my parenting style. There is another mom in my circle that needs to worry about herself because I GOT THIS! 🙂
I can totally relate! I also have a 19mth old (& a 5 year old…sometimes I think your are the posh NYC version of the Chicago me). I can’t stand the number of lectures I get at the park…my kid is cool. She has it. I know because I watch & know her. I also know that if she falls she will be ok…if she isn’t, I am there and can soothe her in a flash.
I love this! Our daughter actually got tired of people running to her rescue and would tell them (and us) to leave her alone!
My children know, if there is blood or it’s really hurts, then come get mummy otherwise carry on playing!!, simple.
I completely do the same thing! single mom to a very brave now 2 year old boy I always want to see what he is capable of. The pool however is another story lol he loves his “jumpins” and will do anything he can to jump in that pool for someone to fish him out and put him back on the edge to do it again…. But other than that I don’t hover. How is he going to learn how to do it himself if I’m always right there to do it for him? I feel like people are always wondering why I am not jumping to his rescue but he really doesn’t need it. Some times he falls says “WHOA” gets up dusts himself off and tries again. His new favorite saying is “NO! Embry do it” he doesn’t want help he wants to do it himself. I think its an amazing parenting style that works awesome for us
I haven’t read blog in quite a few years until someone told me about yours. I <3 you. No really, I kind of do. Maybe it's cause I could've written most of your posts (as in we have the exact same opinion not that "anyone can do this" type way).
I want to just gobble up your entire blog.
As for this post- omfg a gabillion times yes! I have to mentally prepare to take my kids to the park cause I know I'm gonna get annoyed with all the other parents not only helping their kids down an f'ing slide (it's called gravity people!) but the parents who indeed rush to my kids if they blink near that dangerous playground equiptment. And all I want is for my kids to be able to run, jump, play and have fun- but there's always a grown up in the way, stifling them. So yes! Take a step back!
Helicopter and lawnmower parenting is so utterly exhausting, that I would lose my mind. It’s my job to train my kids to be as independent as possible. I have my own interests and hobbies that need to be cultivated as they’re older, so that I don’t forget my place in their world when they become adults. If I have no life of my own later, I’ll be that meddlesome mother-in-law who gets ranted about on the internet.
At this point, 2 are out of the nest and the other 3 are trailing several years behind them. I trust the oldest 2 are capable of handling it, and they know they can pick my brain for suggestions when it gets sticky. But at 19 and almost 21, they aren’t fully accepting of the advice.
Hi Ilana,
I never comment (I’m shy :)) but I am an avid reader and I think you and your blog are brilliant! Ahem, having a fan girl moment there… Anyway, you’ve probably already come across it but there is a brilliant blog “free range kids” which deals with exactly what you’re saying here, and I go there whenever I think I am the only person who parents this way. My big girl is 7, confident, articulate, and can walk to the shops and to school alone! Yes, just like I did at that age. But we havebto be careful not to tell anyone because we have had child services called on us for this before.
Anyway, apparently bloggers like comments, so consider yourself commented all the way from Australia!
I was a helicopter parent with my first she’s 7 years old and she’s very NEEDY! With my 13 month old…I just let her goooooooooo. I’m paying attention, but im not going to freak out if she scratches her knee!
I had two children one was a daredevil…if there was a babygate she would scale it making it much more dangerous than learning how to navigate the stairs. Sleeping in a crib or playpen by 10 months she would hurl herself out of them to go and play with her toys and for safety reasons had to move her to a toddler bed. She would stand on her dresser and try to fly on to her bed. So when my child would scale the monkey bars I did not worry about her, however, my other child was very timid, did not have the confidence and was a little clutzy so she was the one I would assist the first few times going up and down until she got the hang of it. People thought I was favoring one over the other. Parents are with their children usually 15 hours a day, perhaps they know their children a little bit better than a stranger who has observed them for about 10 minutes.
This is more about fear than injury, but I think it applies. Once we came upon a dead mouse in the middle of the floor. I gasped in surprise and my toddler looked at me and started to act afraid. I sympathetically said, “Poor dead mouse,” and got a clear glass jar, scooped him in and put on the lid. We studied his teeth and his tail and had to go show him to grandfather across the street. At nap time, the mouse (with an extra tightening of the lid) went to bed with her. Daddy decided to draw the line at bedtime that night and the mouse was discarded. My family teases me that her first pet was a dead mouse, but my daughter has worked at a Zoo, pet sits anything, and would never scream and climb a chair because of a mouse.
Yes yes yes times one million YES.
I have been accused of being cold-hearted when, in fact, I was seeing if my kids could do it/get over it on their own. I saw what was going on–I think as a mom you can’t help yourself but always see–and made a choice based on my knowledge of my kids.
I am not a parent but I find myself watching other people’s kids sometimes when I’m in public because I KNOW they are not watching. The parents are with other people and in another world talking about adult things. It only takes a second for an accident and that lasts a lifetime. I think this “lazy parenting” philosophy is great, it has a lot of merit, but there are a lot of parents who are really not paying attention to their kids and you don’t want to be the one who could have prevented something tragic even though their parents should be the ones doing this.
I get dirty looks from other moms all of the time when I let my 1 year old wander the children’s room at the library while I browse books for him and his older brother. He hits his head on shelves and gets stuck under things, but he’s exploring his world and has to learn how to deal with bumps at some point. I would never let him get hurt and I check on him every few minutes, but they always seem to be “saving” him when he doesn’t need it. We clap and cheer when our kids fall down and say, “Good Fall!” because we don’t want buckets of tears. There is nothing wrong with teaching your kids that not every little thing warrants your attention or a full blown cry fest. Kudos!
I have always done the same thing. I have a 16 yr old (almost 17), a 14 yr old and an 18 month old. I always gave the kids the benefit of the doubt that if they fall and they’re not bleeding, they’ll be just fine. We always told them “Fall down, go boom” and it always worked. As your little one, they got up, brushed themselves off, and went on their merry way. If you overreact, they will also. In my opinion, you are doing great! 🙂
I love this! This is so me. I have described my parenting as, “benign neglect”. I have allowed my children to explore and handle their own issues and I only step in when they are about to be impaled. My children are smart, resourceful and self directed. Montessori rocks! I recently had a discssin with the parent of a 17 year old who expressed to me that he had to sit with her every night to make her do homework. My children were taught the doctrine of probable consequences. If by 17 you have to sit with your child for her to do her homework, you have failed as a parent. My children have learned if they don’t do their homework, they suffer the consequences. It starts as toddlers and it continues to adulthood. If they aren’t taught to problem solve and accept consequence when they are little, they never do. Keep doing what you are doing. Great story.
It’s just like when Squirt flies solo in “Finding Nemo” http://youtu.be/TRTlvMvS1X8
Too many parents are helicopter parents, even at college age. Some of my friends don’t understand why I wait to see how my kids, and now my grandkids, handle things. How else will they learn and gain confidence.
I am so glad I read this. I used to be more of a “watchful” Mom and got told I was neglectful too much by her Dad’s family. I started getting all hyped up just so others would not put me down. Now she is more afraid, cries more and does less for herself. I hope that is the last time I let others think for me, because I learned a good lesson about conviction.
Thank you for being brave enough to put it out there that being a good Mom doesn’t mean controlling everything about your child’s life and freaking out at every germ on the planet.
I love you!! Sincerely, we are so anti-helicopter it confuses people. Yes, that is our two year old daughter climbing the seven foot rock wall at the playground. No, we are not going to stop her. Yes, she is fine…see, she is sure she wants to go down the big circle slide…that was the most direct route.
From the times they were babies both of our older daughters got real food. Chili? Let her try it! Guacamole? Sure, let her have it! Can you give the six month old beans? Absolutely, open the can and rinse them first…low sodium, if you have it. Steamed veggies? Yes please! No do not cut them up, she can bite and chew.
It may not work for others, but our three and two year old know when we say “DANGER!” to stop whatever they are doing and look for it. But honestly, its reserved for cars/street and playing on the stairs and such. 17 month old on top of the platform used to reach the counter (six feet off floor, she was on TOP MOMMA)? And? She got down just fine!!
Be the parent you want to be…but us? We want strong independant girls who know they can do whatever it is they set there mind to and have strong bodies from doing things.
Yes, ma’am. You are not alone and bless you for raising your girls the right way for you and them!!
still think about maybe putting something on those stairs for when she does fall down, at this age her motor skills are not refined so it is guaranteed that she’ll slip once or twice!
It’s obnoxious to watch some parents with their kids. All I see as I watch a parent stumble over themselves to get to a crying child is a parent who is stunting their child’s growth and making more hardship for themselves than necessary, effectively making parenting even more overwhelming. You must give a child their space, they have to learn for themselves and they must know boundaries just as much as you do. When one jumps to their child’s every whimper from birth to toddler the child will only use crying and tantrums all the way in to adulthood, insisting they use words and letting them know they are ok and letting them discover things on their own is the best way to go. To me this is not lazy parenting it is the way to parent and often it is allot harder than giving in to a pointing crying child handing them what they desire just to get them to stop crying. Helicopter parenting stunts a child’s growth and learning, keeps them uneducated for longer and behind other children their age. Coddling, keeping your 36 month old on a bottle because she is “still a baby” is cruel. She is 3 and is a toddler about to go to school. This behavior is damaging to the child. I loved reading this article and seeing all the comments from the parents on here!
Thank you so much for this article! I never really thought much about what my parenting style was—but this post eloquently sums it up!
It was seriously so comforting to read and reassuring that there are so many moms that feel/act this way.
Unfortunately, my husband and mother-in-law (explains where my husband gets it from) both have very nervous dispositions and are helicopter parents.
It’s a huge source of contention between us, especially when we are over at the inlaws and I have to sit back (wanting to scream) while I watch my mother in law hover (literally) over my 2yr old son’s every step. I’d love to learn more about being assertive about telling other relatives to chill out!
I have always been a laidback parent. I always assumed its because I’ve worked in childcare for a good 5 years now. I’ve seen it all. Well now with my own children I do not freak out over things. I get annoyed with people looking at me like I am wishing death upon my 2 year old cause I dont hold her hand the entire time we are on a playground. Or the fact its 95 degrees outside and my 5 month old isn’t wearing socks. I get told “omg her feet are so cold!” No they are not its the friggin summer and I’m not wearing socks and I’m fine.
I totally agree with your method of parenting. I’ve always done this with my kids and I hope they learn to be resilient people who can pick themselves up and dust themselves off and move on with whatever they were doing, literally or figuratively. I applaud you. It’s very hard to not run over and fuss all over the kids over every bump and bruise just to appease the helocopter parents that are everywhere.
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I’m glad to know it’s just not me. My daughter is 15 now, but when she was an baby/toddler, I was a HUGE fan of “hands off” parenting. Even now, I get surprised looks from other parents about what I let her do when she was younger (stairs), and what she does now (pay her bills with her allowance). Teaching independence isn’t neglectful, it’s loving.
I agree in a lot of ways. I am not very good at taking that step back but I try. There is one aspect of this that I can’t stand though. A lot of parents let their kids run wild in public places (not parks) stores, businesses, etc. I even know parents who just let their young children wander around unsafe neighborhoods alone. Maybe my attitude and mindset is different because of my criminal justice background but I see the risks of being a little too laid back. I understand standing back and letting your child explore the playground or climb the stairs. I just don’t get people who think “well I used to run around all by myself when I was young so why shouldn’t my kids?” We are in a different time now and really need to be cautious in that way.
I learned this when I taught preschool. I was always watching, but sometimes I would pretend I wasn’t because if the kids knew I saw them fall they would make a huge deal out of the fit they threw, even if there wasn’t even a red spot. However if I “didn’t see” them then they would pick themselves up and move on. I would even see them look my way to see if I saw. They’re tougher than we give them credit for at any age.
That was EXACTLY my thought process when we moved from our apartment to our house. It only took a couple of days for my 10m old son to navigate the stairs successfully. First thing he did when we went to my in-laws’ to visit was make a beeline for the steps and demonstrate his proficiency….to horrified gasps, palpitations, shrieks of alarm…all the reactions we expected them to display.
Five years later, they freak much less at the kids’ antics, but they’re still a LOT more alarmist than we are. Since I have 4, with #5 arriving in just a few weeks, I’m way to accustomed to emerging derring-do to panic. Besides, they way this crew goes, I’d need a Valium if I let myself worry over every new thing they tried.