Last week, I went to a breakfast organized by Plum Organics and Fatherly about parenting and working. There were a lot of very impressive people in the room— CEOs from various companies and reporters from noteworthy media outlets, all talking about how family life can be better supported by businesses.
As the hands rose and people spoke around the room, most of them seemed to be echoing the same thing. Parents need to lead by example, by doing things like going home for dinner, so they make it known that family is a priority for them. Only then will policy and working culture change.
Sounds great.
I raised my hand. Oh, oh, oh, pick me!! PICK ME!!!
“So… when I got back from maternity leave, I made it a priority to be home at 6pm to relieve my nanny. And you know what happened? I got laid off.”
It’s great for company leaders to set an example by going home for dinner, but then those same leaders can’t penalize their workers for not being available around the clock. Most parents are not running companies, they are vulnerable.
Before I continue, let me just say that I think it’s awesome that Plum Organics is including dads as part of their Parenting Unfiltered campaign (which is about taking the filter off and sharing ALL the realities of parenting) and that fathers are becoming real advocates for family friendly work policies. With dads taking a stand, it ups the chances considerably that real change will occur. But at the same time, most working dads don’t face the same issues as working moms, because there is a very different perception of moms and dads in the workplace. My belief is that nobody is more vulnerable in the workplace than a new mom recently back at work, whose priorities are being questioned with every decision.
In my experience, here’s the difference between a woman going home to be with her family and a man going home to be with his family:
For men, it is assumed that work is the priority and they would have to prove themselves otherwise to raise any flags at the office.
For women, it is assumed that family is the priority and they would have to prove themselves otherwise to continue rising up the ranks.
Obviously, every industry and office is different, but judging from my own experience and many of the stories I’ve heard from people I know, this is a common experience.
What makes things even harder for working women starting a family is a little nine month period called “pregnancy.”
The second I announced my pregnancy at the office, people started wondering if I would return to work or not. Nobody ever thinks this about soon-to-be dads.
I had been steadily rising at my company for thirteen years when I got pregnant. Even so, I was still questioned by my co-workers when I told them I would return after my maternity leave. “You don’t know how you will feel once you have the baby,” I was told. Well, DUH. But I knew that my career was a huge part of my identity and a huge chunk of my shared income with my husband. I also knew that I had never in my whole life ever considered the possibility of being a stay-at-home mom, so I was adamant that I was coming back.
To make sure my bosses knew this to be true, I worked as hard as I could to ensure everything was business as usual. I worked late, traveled when asked, brainstormed big ideas, presented in meetings, etc. etc. Trying my best to ignore that I felt like absolute crap. I was exhausted and nauseous almost 100% of the time. At around 3pm, I wanted to curl up and die under my desk every day.
I know this isn’t the case for all pregnant women, but for me, while I was pregnant, I found it impossible to live up to the reputation I had worked years to build as a go-to creative for strategic work.
Besides being tired and nauseous, I had several complications while I was pregnant. At 27 weeks, I was rushed to the ICU for five days, effectively dropping the ball on a very important account. At 38 weeks, I said no to working on a new business pitch over the weekend because the stress had gotten too great and I knew it was unhealthy for my baby.
How could I prove that I would come back as strong as ever when I was already showing them I was incapable of taking on the same work I had before?
Leading up to my maternity leave, I was transitioned off my accounts and three months later, when I got back, I struggled to get put back on them. Part of this was because there was a shift in management.
There was a major round of lay-offs at my company about three months after I got back, of which I was one. A lot of people were let go so I can’t say I was included because they wanted to get rid of a mom with a new baby. But I can say, if I had never gotten pregnant, my position at the company would never have declined in value. I wouldn’t have had to meet my new bosses a few months after they had already established relationships with my peers. And it was a lot easier for them to let me go after they had already transitioned my job to other people in my absence.
So, I guess I’m saying that it’s great that moms and dads want paternal leave and family friendly work policies. But we have to remember that the issues parents face in the work force are a lot more complicated than getting home in time for dinner.
For me, the issue started with pregnancy, when I felt like I had to work over time to prove my value and dedication, while simultaneously feeling unable to perform at 100%.
What policy corrects for that?
The happy ending is that leaving my ad job (something I know I would not have done if they hadn’t kicked me out) ended up being a blessing in disguise. The freedom allowed me to start my blog which not only lets me set my own hours and be present for my kids, it has made me a more influential player in my old field than I would have been if I had stuck with the traditional agency trajectory.
It is not lost on me that a lot of advertising dollars are now going towards influencers instead of traditional marketing. And you can bet that a lot of my drive comes from my desire to prove that no one should have ever doubted my commitment to my career.
Obviously, I’m glad things turned out the way that they did, but I’m a unique case and I got pretty lucky. More broadly speaking, this is not a simply defined problem with an easy solution. My hope is that by talking about it honestly and by more people getting involved in the conversation (like fathers), that is a big step in the right direction.
What do you find most challenging about balancing work and family?
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For more stories from Plum and Fatherly about how real parents are dealing with work life balance, click here.
This post was sponsored by Plum Organics but obviously my feelings on this subject are my own.
Thank you for continuing to raise awareness of these issues, especially that there are different expectations of moms and dads.
What was the response to your comment? I’m curious: was it actually a meaningful response or just an “I’m sorry that happened”?
No, it was definitely a meaningful change in the conversation. In fact, the father who talked next said the line about the people in the room not being as vulnerable as most parents. And the guy next to me leaned over and said the exact same thing happened to his wife. Twice.
That’s very encouraging to hear. If the men are acknowledging that this type of thing happens, that is a huge step in the right direction.
As someone who works in a male dominated industry (finance) and is currently 35 weeks pregnant I cannot say amen to this post enough. The struggle for balance starts long before the baby is actually born. If one chooses to breastfeed and pump when they return to work that’s a whole separate facet of the conversation – that time away from a desk does not mean I am a less committed worker.
Lucky for me this did not happen to me during my first pregnancy, I told everyone I would be back in 16 weeks. The people I support where reassigned temporarily and given back to me when I returned. Now that I am pregnant again in such a short time frame, my sons will be 20 months apart, the question as to if I’m coming back and if I’ll be able to handle it are weekly. Yes, I’ll still be great. Will I be available all weekend? Probably not. Will I be less available between 6 and 8 pm, most definitely.
This really resonates with me as I have struggled with my working/mom identity for a long time. My husband has always been a full time teacher and I started in a 50% teaching position. When we had kids, we thought this was a blessing as I could take kids to school and appointments etc.. Sadly, this meant that I started to harbor resentment for my husband as I was doing a majority of the care-taking as well as working and because my position was the 50% one, everything with my job or the kids took a backseat to his job. (He is a high school choir director and has a lot of outside of school hours comminments)
We also found that paying for daycare for three kids was a struggle and my in-laws first suggestion to help with this? I should quit my job and stay home. I informed them that I am highly educated and I enjoy my career and have no desire to leave it, not to mention my benefits and income(although smaller than my husband’s) was still much needed in our budget. Thankfully, my position was increased to 100% this year so it isn’t brought up by my in-laws every year. It still drives me crazy that my career was viewed as less than my husband’s(not by him but by his parents) even though we are both teachers and I actually have a higher degree than he does and now actually make more than him. And why can’t we love our jobs and our families?!?
Attorney here! I didn’t get laid off, and I DID come back after maternity leave, but my career has undoubtedly suffered. As soon as I announced my pregnancy, I started being passed over for important assignments. The work went to men. When I came back, I found it incredibly difficult to reintegrate, particularly because I had to leave by 5pm every day in order to make daycare pickup on time. I still have to leave by 5pm. The work is still going to men.
It doesn’t seem to matter that I work remotely nearly every night after my toddler is in bed. It doesn’t seem to matter that our clients are happy with my work. It doesn’t seem to matter that I consistently post very high billable hours. The fact that I’m not willing to sacrifice the hours of 5pm to 8pm—the only waking hours I spend with my kid all day—means I won’t advance in my career, at least not as far or as quickly as the guy down the hall.
All of this is, of course, complete bullshit, which is why I’m one of only two attorneys at my firm who are parents of small children.
Thank you for engaging in this discussion, Ilana. Thank you!
Yes, this! I need to write another post about how going home from work at dinnertime does not make us less effective at our jobs. For most of us, it simply means we are more efficient with our time. In my experience, the people who worked the latest were rarely the most productive.
I am so glad this conversation seems to be happening more often. I just wish it will be heard and understood by those in positions of power and decision making. Each and everyone of us needs to realize that something is evry wrong with a culture where leaving work at 5 pm to pick up your kids can make someone feel guilty and not accomplished. The “culture” of staying late DOES NOT EQUATE TO PRODUCTIVITY. Speaking from first hand experience also. Somehow somewhere along the line the corporate culture has convinced us that longer hours at work = dedication and that money and objects are everything. Lets all try to reclaim our lives, our children and our identities from the vultures who inhibit the soul sucking world of corporate America.
Agreed! I’m struggling with this right now. I have to leave at 5, no I can’t join a meeting from 5-6 unless I have some kind of advance notice. I’m the only one on my team with a child and while no one can really come out and say it (corporate pc-ness) it’s made clear I’m not pulling my weight. And yes I can check emails later at night but truthfully, I can’t work all the hours my team is. I can barely get home, make dinner, help my kindergartener learn to read and do math and have any time left to get back on the computer. And that doesn’t account for Doctor and vet appointments, teacher conferences, early school releases, random school days off. I feel like I need to quit my job just to manage life. (husband travels so most stuff falls on me).
Very relevant post. Yes, leaving work at 4:30 to make daycare pickups is what I struggle with daily. Luckily, I am lucky to be able to work with a group of people that understand. However, the constant balancing of family and work is a job of its own.
I genuinely loved my job in hospitality. When I announced my pregnancy, everything changed. I was treated as a salaried employee, but on days I had doctor’s appointments, I was told I had to punch in and out and had pay withheld. I was constantly questioned if I would return after my leave. When I did come back, my manager was scarcely accommodating and lectured me constantly for being a few minutes late (even tho I always stayed late to make up the minutes) the treatment I received during pregnancy and upon my return was so different that I didn’t even enjoy my job anymore. I stayed for about 4 months before I finally quit. It wasn’t worth it to me to be away from my sweet baby to get stressed out at a job I hated. I’m using my 6 weeks PFL to figure out what to do next.
To say our country devalues families is a tragic understatement. I was “lucky” when I was pregnant in that my boss was a woman who made it a point to be accommodating both during and after my pregnancy. I could talk about my pregnancy, and show pics of the sonogram and basically be excited to be pregnant without fear of being judged. However, on my return from maternity leave, I was put in a new position that was markedly less important than my position prior to maternity leave. Part of the reason was because I refused to work more than 40 hours a week (unless it was a rare occasion), or to travel for more than a day or two every month. I also treated my son’s daycare pick-up time as if it was the most important meeting of the day (which it was), and could not be rescheduled to a later time, even if a meeting ran late and the daycare was still open. No one pushed back because they didn’t want to openly sound like they weren’t family friendly. But, in the end, I quit because they would not give me a role that was more similar to what I had before maternity leave. So, in the end, I guess they got the last laugh.. Now I work in a job that I like with reliable hours and no overtime work. Sadly, I get paid less money, but that is apparently the trade-off I need to make to have time to spend with my family without watching the clock waiting for the kid to go to bed so I can work again.
I truly think part of the conversation needs to be to try and understand why we are expected to work more than 40 hours a week. What in the world are we all doing that is so important that it can’t wait until next week or even the next day (besides making someone up the ladder a lot of money)? I imagine there are very few jobs that are so important that we give up our precious free time for our work.
As a woman engineer in a male dominated field I completely second everything that is being said. The new norm in society is that there are two working parents who both have the same job demands during the day, or single parents that have no other options. Has the standard for what makes a “good employee” kept up with these changes? Companies have been offering telecommuting and flextime, but facetime in the office still plays a significant role in how the employee’s commitment and performance is viewed. Some employees may not have the flexibility to stay at the end of the day, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t working on the sidelines somewhere, or back on the computer at 8:30. They’re committed, it’s just in a different capacity. If the standard for “good worker” continues to mean the people who can stay in the office till 6:30, take that 2 hour holiday lunch to socialize and network, or commit additional time to multiple engineering societies, then it’s handicapping a lot of good employees who may have more to offer but who can’t fit that mold.
I did my job for my entire pregnancy until the 38th week, when I cut down to half days because I was just so tired. I did every aspect of my job, including perform surgery, until my belly was too big and it was hard to get close enough to the table. That was probably at about 7-8 months. I was also adamant I would be returning to work full-time, and I did and am still here 2 years later. I worked part-time at first, which was a really great way to transition. I will say I had a pretty easy normal pregnancy and I have a great boss, but still people constantly questioned whether I could still do my job, and whether I would return post baby. My husband was never once asked if he would be returning post baby.
The hardest part about the balance is truly that I can’t get our dinner schedules the same. We almost never eat dinner as a family, and it makes me sad because I know its important, and I want my daughter to see us eating the same things she is, but it is just so hard to get home first, entertain her, cook dinner and have my husband get home and we all eat together that is not too late for her or too early for us. So we almost always eat after she has gone to bed. Sigh. Writing about it has made me sad. 🙁
You’re having another baby? Congrats, Ilana! I would have never know from the pictures on your blog/instagram. You look great! Congratulations!!!!!
No! I’m not pregnant! Just talking about when I was…
Well at least she didn’t say “I thought something was up based on the pictures!” 😉
I didn’t think so, hahaha! I frantically searched instagram trying to see if you had mentioned anything and was like, “Did I miss something?” Lol, If you were, I never would have known! Not that I wouldn’t love seeing another mini-Mazzy or Harlow 😀
Yes! All of this. I found out I was finally pregnant (after numerous failed treatments) a week after starting a new job. I was terrified my bosses would think I had known and kept it from them, so I worked extra hard. I never said no about anything and I never complained. On top of my normal shifts, I pulled back to back twelve hour shifts on my feet every weekend until my ninth month when I finally had to take my maternity leave early. My daughter was three weeks old when my boss TEXTED me on a Thursday and told me my twelve weeks had been denied, my six weeks were up, and I was expected back at the office on Monday. Needless to say, I disn’t go back–it simply wasn’t possible. I was very lucky, and we were able to squeak by on my husband’s salary alone. But we shouldn’t have had to. No one at work questioned my husband’s ability to do his job, or essentially fired him when he couldn’t go above and beyond all the time. The conversation needs to change to include pregnancy as well as dads.
As a working mom of 2 kids under 6 in a male dominated field (software) I can totally relate to everything said here. Quite frankly though my kids are more of a priority than my work and I tell my coworkers that regularly – there is a certain joy in that honesty. I told my boss recently that I like my kids more than him, no offense 🙂
I work more than my share of evenings (after the kids are in bed) and weekends and am a top performer at work. I know I get paid less than I’m worth because I’m a woman, probably 75 cents to the dollar. Does it burn my bacon? Absolutely. Is it fair? No. Do I hope it changes? Of course.
In the meantime I’m going to keep doing great work because it gives me pleasure and leave at 5 with a song in my heart and not a backward glance.
I started a job when I was in my first trimester. The day of my 6 month review (36 wks pregnant) they told me that I did not pass my orientation, aka let go. I went into preterm labor that night due to the stress of losing my job (and insurance). I was great at my job and I know they just didn’t want to pay me for maternity leave or hold my position until I came back to work, which was my plan. It’s really sad that people are capable of doing such things.
THIS. 100 times THIS.
I worked as a TV news producer and I had two pregnancies with the same company. While my dedication to the job was never questioned, management did not make it easy for me to work while pregnant or as a new mom. The female HR director, a mother herself, offered me an office for my pumping sessions. When I pointed out the floor to ceiling windows, she suggested I tape up black garbage bags to cover them. My immediate supervisor made cutting comments about the time I took to pump. Ironically, he took multiple smoke breaks each hour.
My boss did not have children when I had my first child, and when he did have kids, his wife stayed home to take care of them, so he never really understood the challenges of daycare drop offs, sick kids and mid-day class performances. Fortunately my husband had a very flexible job.
Long story short, while my managers never made it impossible to do my job once I became a mother, they certainly did not make it easy to be a mother and an employee. I didn’t expect any favors, but I would have appreciated flexibility and understanding, especially when my girls were infants.
Thankfully I found a teaching job at a university half a mile from my house. I still find it challenging some days to balance my job and motherhood but my schedule and my boss are much more flexible. And I continue to freelance for my old station, but now it’s on my own terms. I consider myself lucky to have found a solution, but I know I’m in the minority.
Thank you so much for using your clout to put this issue in the spotlight! We need more conversations like this!
“I didn’t expect any favors, but I would have appreciated flexibility and understanding.” – EXACTLY! Most parents don’t want to be a special case but commitment to family doesn’t preclude commitment to work, surely. I don’t understand why in most jobs in this technological and international age there isn’t more flexibility to realise that you don’t necessarily need someone in an office 50 hours a week to have a productive employee. My hubs’ work were great to us and as a director he knows if moms come back being flexible means the job gets done more effectively. Letting people do the hours they can means they are fully present while at work because they want to get out on time – they are dually committed. Parents – moms AND dads – who made the class play or important appt will more often than not make up more than the hours they missed working from home after bedtime. Sure there might be exceptions but the majority of working parents want to excel at both – and flexible workplaces mean they can. This was such a well-written piece and I am so sad to hear about so many negative experiences.
Right after our daughter was born, my husband was able to take 3 weeks off work. It wasn’t too hard for him as a student with a job as a delivery driver, but I was so grateful for that time because it helped so much in the adjustment period. However, as he is soon graduating and will hopefully have a career when other children arrive, I hope that he will be able to take even some limited time off in the beginning, though I know that if it means hurting his job, it will be unlikely to do it. Traditional roles have been reversed in our household (like they have in many homes) and my husband has been the stay at home parent while I have worked and I truly think that his involvement in our daughters early months of life have really helped him feel more comfortable in his role as a dad.
I know this isn’t specifically about pregnancy, but I think that paternal and maternal leave is such an important topic and that you are right about pregnancy. I really appreciate this post.
Thank you for writing this! I completely agree with everything you said. Being a full-time mom and a full-time employee is a ballancing act like no other. I’m fortunate to work for a company that is very family and working parent friendly, and it’s still a struggle at times to feel like I’m able to do everything to the best of my abilities and worry that having to leave earlier than most people daily to go get my kids from daycare will hurt my career advancement (although I wouldn’t change picking up my kiddos for anything).
One thing I do think gets missed often is how your observation that men’s commitment to their jobs aren’t questioned after becoming a parent under most circumstances can be a double-edged sword. While in most cases, I think that’s totally true, it’s often (but not always) because mom picks up the slack in terms of childcare (which impacts her work schedule) while still working so Dad can continue his normal work routine. Unfortunately, I think it sometimes happens that if a Dad actively chooses to do more/share more of the responsibility for his kids with his wife in a way that changes his schedule, he can be judged far more harshly than his wife would be (because now his dedication to his job is potentially questioned, even if his work product has not changed). It’s entirely unfair to penalize Dads for wanting to be more involved and more egalitarian with their wives when it comes to their kids, but it definitely happens!
Yep about Dads. My husband and I worked at the same high school when our daughter was born. Our plan was always for me to stay home. As she was born during the summer, he didn’t have to take any formal time for her birth or immediately following. Our son was born this past fall during an incredibly busy time work wise. He took one week of formal leave to help during recovery and the transition to two, but was still expected to meet required deadlines, although he would be penalized if he worked while on leave. That’s just a big whole pile of doesn’t make sense.He was also scared to take more time because he’s working toward a promotion and paternity leave is not favorably viewed by the higher-ups.
Thank you for writing this. As someone that just moved into a new position with the company and lay offs happening everywhere I needed to hear it was not just me that has this struggle. I am in constant battle with proving myself at work and wanting to be there for my daughter. My first week in the new position and I had to take off because my child was sick. I was at home with her but I was in constant worry about what was going on at work. This shouldn’t be the case I have 3 weeks of PTO that I need to use or I will lose it but I was scared to take off one day for a sick kid. No parent should every have to have that struggle. My boss doesn’t have children so doesn’t understand at all.
I should say I’m soooo lucky – My workplace is awesome. I work for a large insurance company in WI – we were rated #3 company to work for in the Nation! My hours are super flexible and I live only 5 minutes from my house, I would take a guess that more women work in my company than men. Even a few of the CEO’s are women who have families. So I’ve never had a problem at work when I had my 2 kids. Buuut sometimes it’s the people on the outside that don’t understand – people that say “why are you working when you could be home with your children??” – they don’t get that I had this job for 9 years before I had a child. I have income built up, 401K, seniority and plus we have bills that don’t go away just because we have children. I also LOVE the company I work for. I had having to justify myself to others when if I was the Dad they would never question why I was going to still work after having children.
Yes! My husband and I were just talking about this last night. I also work in a male dominated field (IT). My husband does as well. Was he asked if he would return to work after the baby was born? Of course not. Recently, we have been dealing with increased stress at work. My husband may have to start traveling more and have more responsibilities. This is great for his career, but it also means that mine takes the backseat. I will take on even more of the home duties.
As it is, I make it a priority to leave work in plenty of time to pick up my kiddo, have at least an hour to play, then get dinner on the table and the kiddo ready for bed. That is important to me. As such, it also means that my coworkers are seen as more dedicated, as they put in more time at the office. I’m sorry, but I see you people for at least 8 hours per day. I get exactly 3 hours of face-time with my kid each day and that includes doing other household duties.
As a result, I have to really prioritize at work and occasionally turn down projects I want to be a part of. It burns my hide that my career suffers. My husband is just now feeling this pressure for himself. He and a couple of coworkers are “hands-on dads” (I hate that term). Any change in schedule affects their home life. I’m glad to see that men now face these pressures (to a lesser extent), but it pains me that it’s even an issue. Since when did “family time” become a schedule activity? I thought the whole reason for living was family. Sigh.
Amen to this whole article!!! This sort of thing happened to me after returning from a medical leave of absence (surgery). My director (my boss’ boss) wanted me to interview for a job opportunity the week following my return. It was a major opportunity and I was truly flattered at the suggestion. But the job was 90% travel and I had a 1 and 4 year old to think about. I told my boss that I couldn’t take on a commitment like that at this time in my life. And the comment I got back was “well, you have to be careful, at some point the opportunities will stop being presented because they’ll realize you want to be just a mom”. Say what? Why exactly can’t I have a successful career AND be a mom? Why am I going to be passed over for opportunities later in my career (I’m 40, I have plenty of years left to work) because NOW isn’t the right time? It’s bullshit. Don’t get me wrong. I love my job and the company I work for. I get to telecommute and have a flexible work schedule. But sometimes they are very antiquated in their view of working parents. Changes to that viewpoint can’t come soon enough.
One of the things I loved about your Monday Morning/Wednesday Evening series was you featured stay-home dads too. I love seeing how families make life work for their own family situation so everyone in that family can thrive. We have a few friends who made the decision for whatever reason – mom earned more, dad’s work could more easily be done from home, mom was at a certain point in her career – for dad to be the weekday at home parent or frequent pick up parent. These dads are awesome. But it’s hard too on the dads who don’t get questioned if they are coming back but don’t come back – though I know this is not what you are suggesting in this piece at all. I know this is a bit off topic but attitudes to dads need to change too. Our friends have found stay and play groups often very challenging and lonely as dads which is just sad. I know this is “Mommy” Shorts but I just thought I’d throw it in there! It’s great you got to say your piece to potential movers and shakers. Something’s gotta give sometime – thanks for saying it how it is!
Thank you for talking about this. A similar thing happened to me but at an even earlier stage. I had an early miscarriage and made my boss aware of what was happening as I didn’t know how much time I would need off. They were sympathetic, however I then felt very vulnerable as they knew I was trying for a baby and it was seen as inevitable that I would be off on maternity leave at some point.
I noticed a definite change in attitude towards me from that point on – my work was picked apart and I was undermined frequently in meetings which had never happened before. On my return although I wasn’t laid off I was sidelined into a different role, and my confidence has taken a serious knock that I still haven’t recovered from.
The website Pregnant Then Screwed was a real eye opener for me into how frequently women are sidelined as a result of parenthood. I thought it was something that didn’t happen in my industry, sadly I was wrong.
The week I returned to work after my maternity leave I applied for a job opening in an internal position. After other interviews they went with another applicant. My boss sat me down and said that they had to go with the more experience applicant which I totally understood, but it was her next comment that bothered me. She said “Plus, I doubted that you really wanted added responsibility since you just had a baby” wait, I’m sorry, but didn’t I voluntarily apply? I’m positive no one would have said that to my husband had he been the one applying!
Thank you for starting this conversation. My husband and I both work full time and are dedicated to our jobs. I work for a small company and overall the leadership and my coworkers are very supportive, but I still get questioned about whether or not I’ll come back, even after I came back after my first and have been just as dedicated as before having her. I am the only women of childbearing age in my company, so it’s hard that no one else here “gets it”. There are 2 men with young children, but both of their wives stay at home. No one else “gets” that my maternity leave is not a vacation, it is a hard period of learning to be a mother to a new baby where I’m closely watching the budget because I only get 60% of my pay through Short Term Disability.
i just really appreciate that there are others out there that do get it, have the same issues, and feel the same way. So again, Thank you!
My midwife liked to remind me, especially during my second pregnancy, that although we (as a society) have made great strides in accepting pregnancy as a normal part of life, it is still very taxing and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to do all of the same things we did pre-pregnancy. I feel like there’s a very thin line between performing to your ability (in all aspects of life) and taking appropriate steps back to accommodate your growing baby and keeping yourself healthy. It’s hard enough to find that balance on your own; supervisors, etc. don’t need to add their own opinions.
I work for a school, a lot of women, but in the athletics department. Which means men and and male mindset for days. Things are finally back to a good place now that my daughter is almost 2, but thinking about what to do planning for a second child gives me anxiety. My work load has increased since I was pregnant and walking away for a 3 month maternity leave seems not doable. I’ve already thought that I won’t breastfeed as long the next time because pumping was viewed as taking too many breaks. To be fair not in those words, but the attitude definitely conveyed that I was away from my desk a lot.
My school is now offering a 2 week paid leave match, but that means your pregnancy has to go smooth and you have 2 weeks of paid time off to use! Or that your new baby won’t get sick 5 times every month once you go back to work and you will regret using all those sick days to get the paid time off! Point is, just another hoop to jump through. It shouldn’t be so complicated! I WANT to keep my job. Society shouldn’t make this choice so difficult.
I am in school right now, at a 90 male technical college, just last semester I had a college comp class that required a proposal essay, I wrote mine on how both moms and dads should have the chance to stay with baby. Part of the assignment was to present it to the class. When I present to the class sadly all of my male classmates looked at me and asked why. I was thoroughly depressed by that answer.
With my 1st, I was removed from a program I developed and given more of a secondary role upon my return and lost the extra period I was used to being be paid for. With this pregnancy, I have been on bedrest since 24 weeks. If I do not return to work 2 weeks after my due date (we’re still hoping to at least get close), I will lose my benefits and I am awaiting a decision to find out if my extended leave will be granted or not. Despite it being of medical necessity, my job is on the line and we have to switch over to my husband’s insurance once the baby’s born. With my 1st, my husband was still a student so that wouldn’t have been an option. The laws need to be revamped to protect mothers and their families.
What I love most about reading this posting is the fact that you didn’t let this challenge change you – rather, you redirected your time and talents toward creating the ongoing MommyShorts legacy.
You are today the same go-to creative person with an amazing aptitude for strategic planning that you always were.
I’m sorry for their oversight and their loss.
#UpwardandOnward
I told my (female) boss I was pregnant early, because I had a rough first trimester with my first and wanted her to be aware if I needed to work from home. She was thrilled for me. Less thrilled when she discovered another girl in the department was also pregnant. She told me I sometimes dressed unprofessionally when I was too pregnant for my regular clothes and not pregnant enough for my maternity clothes. She threw us both a baby shower. And made me take a half day when my stay at home husband had to go to a funeral and I had no childcare for my two year old. When I got the job, she told me she was family friendly. She loves when my kids visit. And told me that if I arrived 30 minutes late, I had to stay 30 minutes late too. She has kids, but not young kids. She made it work, so why can’t I?
I came back from maternity leave to a new (male) boss in a new department. He has elementary school kids and seems to get it better. HR set up a second pumping room because at any given time there are three or four pumping moms in the office. My old boss made my colleague take paid time off during a snow storm when she couldn’t get to work and couldn’t take her baby to daycare. Family friendly, my ass.
Thank you so much for writing about this issue! I am a neuroscientist, and at my career level it is about 50/50 male to female ratio, but that number drastically changes in the next phase. I got pregnant during the end of grad school, a time when female faculty assured me it was the “best and easiest time” to do so. Similar to you, as soon as I announced my pregnancy things changed, I was treated differently and people began to ask me the same questions: do you think you will be able to come back to work? How much time are you going to take off, aren’t you worried it will delay your work? My confidence dropped, and I really questioned if I was going to be able to juggle being a mom and a scientist. Thank goodness for my husband who took a huge brunt of the parenting duties so I could finish on time, and even now in my post-grad school job he is an enormous help. There is a culture in science that men are more employable than women because they can work late hours and weekends, while their female counterparts accomplish less because they have family obligations. I think we need to change this culture to show that there can be a balance between work and family and you don’t have to sacrifice quality on either end. Thanks again for writing about this, and I hope you are able to reach as many people as possible!
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