1. Yesterday I was in the shower and for the life of me, I could not remember if I had already shampooed my hair.

2. Sometimes, on baby watch, I nod off and do a piss poor job. Thankfully, no serious baby injuries. Yet.

3. I have tried to watch the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy about ten times but can’t get past the opening credits without falling asleep.

4. It’s been three days in a row that I have forgotten to restock on ice cream. Late night ice cream time is crucial to the happiness of my marriage. Yesterday we ate low-fat mozzarella sticks and drank orange juice as a dessert substitute. We haven’t spoken since.

5. I never have any idea what day of the week it is. Seriously. None.

6. I was Pedi-Raped. Let me explain. While I was getting a pedicure I passed out in the massage chair (even though those chairs are about as relaxing as a herd of elephants fighting over a jar of peanutbutter on your back). The manicurist nudged me awake when my toes were done. When I went to pay, instead of charging me the normal $19, they gave me a bill for $55. I asked, “What for?” They proceeded to name all these extra procedures that they had given me without my consent. I said, “But I was sleeping!” They said, “You should’ve said ‘no’ while it was happening”. The worst part is that this place is brand new and directly across the street from my apartment. After much yelling and the exchange of many expletives, I can never go back. On the plus side, if I ever wake up in the middle of the night with a need to throw a brick through a plate glass window, I have the perfect spot picked out right downstairs.

7. You know how yawning is contagious? This means everyone around me looks like they are bored and exhausted.

8. I have two lights in my bathroom. If both of them are on, I usually look pretty decent. If only one of them is on, I look like a horror show. When I looked in the mirror today, the bags under my eyes looked so godawful that I instinctively went to flip the other light on. Alas, they were both already on.

9. My husband says I am losing the ability to complete simple tasks. I think that’s bullshit.