In certain countries, I've heard that right behind waterboarding and ripping a person's fingernails off with a pair of pliers, is a form of torture they call "Birthday Party Aftermath". This consists of locating the gift list from weeks and weeks ago, trying your best to decipher the handwriting of whoever wrote it, waiting for a rare moment of free time when you'd rather be doing anything else, and then using that precious time to write (basically) the same thing over and over again.
"Thank you for your generous gift. Mazzy loves her new outfit!"
"Thank you for the wooden sushi set. Mazzy loves it!"
"Mazzy loves her new caterpillar piano. What a wonderful gift!"
And on and on and on until every last uncle, seventh cousin twice removed, and new friend from the park is accounted for.
Maybe there are people out there that find this kind of correspondence enjoyable i.e. the late Jackie Kennedy Onassis. But I am not a master of etiquette, mass niceties or to put it plainly— grown-up behavior. Instead, I act like I'm a recently Bat Mitzvahed thirteen-year-old who thinks if she puts it off long enough, her mom will just do it for her (for the record, that didn't work).
Why am I talking about this now when Mazzy's first birthday was back in the beginning of December?
Do I have to spell it out for you?
YES. I put it off THAT long. And it's not that I don't appreciate the gifts. I really really do! It's just that there are so many things that fill up a day and before I knew it over two months had passed and I began to think that it would be better for everyone involved if I just scratched it off the list altogether.
Delayed Thank You Card Thought Process: The window closes on this sort of thing, no? And most people aren't sitting home waiting for my card to arrive, right? They probably don't even remember that they never got a card. And if they do remember, wouldn't they more likely think that THEIR card just happened to get lost in the mail rather than (horror of horrors) that I didn't send any at all? And isn't the whole idea of thank you cards kind of archaic anyway? And not environmentally friendly! I mean, as far as unacceptable behaviors, this one seems pretty forgivable, yes?
Fully confident that nobody would be ending a friendship over such a thing, I almost sold myself on it. But then my husband's aunt emailed me. The one I've only met once. And she said she had mailed a gift and never heard from us so she was wondering if we didn't receive it. Well, that did it. I knew I had to suck it up and write the damn things. But now, instead of a simple thank you, I had to explain my extreme embarrassment over finding myself in this self-inflicted situation.
So that's how I spent my Saturday. Waiting for the baby to fall asleep so I could tackle the thank you cards all at once. If there is a silver lining in this, it's that I got to write something more interesting than: "Thank you for the box of fancy socks. Mazzy can't wait to wear them!" Instead, I got to write things like:
Dear Such & Such,
Do you remember my birthday? Probably not— it's was over two months ago! But I remember that you got me an awesome [insert gift here] and even though my mom thought you might not notice if you never received a thank you, I told her that it's cool if she wants to have abysmal manners with her own friends but it's not cool to bring her one-year-old daughter down with her. So please don't let my late thank you card reflect on me— BLAME MY MOTHER. Scratch that— blame my parents. Why is it that dads are always let off the hook when it comes to correspondence?
Lots of love and thanks again!
Mazzy
Now If only I could summon the spit to lick the envelopes.
Thank you cards are a pain in the ass. What makes it even worse is that you know the person getting them reads it quickly and then just tosses it in the trash. Isn’t it annoying? Plus, you have nasty envelope tongue for days after.
If it makes you feel better, my husband refuses to do the thank yous either. Part of me gets pissed and part of me is kind of glad. Because his thank yous would go something like ‘hey you, thank you for that one thing. We’ve already lost all the pieces and the baby doesn’t play with it at all.’
I am HORRIBLE at writing thank you cards! I do it for my class because it’s the right thing to do when you’re the teacher, but that’s about the only place I do it anymore. Horrible, right?
HATE writing them, LOVE getting them. I save them, if for nothing else than a courtesy to the person who took the time to do such an awful task. All my friends save them too and i love seeing my thank-you posted up on their fridge or bulletin board.
But anyway.
After our humongous baby shower (it was co-ed in addition to being hijacked by my mom), I straight up told my husband “I am NOT writing these all by myself, Mister.” Especially since he had been the one to insist upon a co-ed shower so he could participate. I made him responsible for writing all the thank-yous to his side of the family and his friends. And he did it.
Granted, he did it much slower than I did, but his thank-yous were WAY better than mine. I kept writing the same shit over and over again, but he put jokes in there, really personalized what was being said. So I PRAISED THE SHIT out of his skills so that the next time we have a pile of thank-yous to write, his ego will be all “I’VE GOT THIS, STEP ASIDE AND LET THE MASTER WORK!”
In the UK, Surrey is always assumed to be the poshest county, full of awfully nice girls with perfect manners (and lots of money).
The joke goes “Why don’t Surrey girls attend orgies?”
“Too many thank-you notes.”
When we were sending out our wedding invitations, I thought at the very least, my husband would be able to put on the stamp, right? WRONG. First one, it stuck it on slanted. Only slightly, but enough for me to say— FORGET IT!!
I think we should change this “HORRIBLE” stigma. If we all feel the same, can’t we collectively come up with another plan? A mass email or something?
It seems to me that if you send an e-vite, you can probably get away with an e-thank you. But then you would give up the chance to send out those really cute invites for your really cute kid. An itsy bitsy part of the pain can be taken out of the thank yous by having a permanent file of programmed address labels – which I don’t feel should be considered tacky when they’re sent by a busy mom.
I think one of the reasons I hate writing them is because I DO like to make each card a little personal. But with some people it’s just impossible and it makes it take twice as long. I like the idea of Mike writing them to his family and friends though. They know what to expect from him! Next time.
I’ve resorted to thank you emails because thank you cards make me twitch! Thankfully my 88 yr old granny is online so nobody’s left out…
A slanted stamp??? Child’s play! That was before your husband had to employ more sophisticated actions like running into a wall to get out of a task!
We have a rule in our household: if the gift is from my friend/side of the family, I write the thank you; if it’s from his, he writes it.
I suck. I didn’t write a single thank you card for Landon’s first birthday. But they were mostly family members I see all the time. I wrote tons of them for both of my baby showers and any of the gifts I received after having both of my children. Can I feel less guilty now? Also, I think men are off the thank you card hook because if any of them are like my fiance, they’d write things like “thanks, let’s get a beer.”
Receiving a Thank You worded like that would make my day and completely absolve you of your tardiness!
Completely agree that they suck….at what point will an email thank you be appropriate?
Oh, how I hate writing thank you cards! For the kids, we use a pic of them from their birthday and thank you message printed on them and that counts as our thank you.
I know it’s impersonal…but if left for me to handwrite…they wouldn’t happen.
Perhaps you should start doing what some of my mom friends and I do — we tell each other don’t dare spend your time writing a thank you card. Gets them off the hook…then me the next go-round. Might just cut your list in 1/2 next year.
sometimes i want to cancel the party and the gifts so i don’t have to write out the cards….
It is seriously the worst feeling in the world–always having those darn things hanging over your head! Even if they aren’t consciously on your mind, there’s that terrible nagging feeling that you can’t shake. At least you got a good story out them! I try to make the process as pleasing as possible. Write with a fat marker so you don’t have to go on and on to get to the bottom of the card!
I am terrible at sending out thank you cards also. Instead I have decided that my children will not have anymore birthday parties. It will save both time and money. I am wondering though if my children will remember that they didn’t have parties, I wonder what I can do instead to make up for the lack of parties. Maybe I will take them on a vacation or something instead.
LOVE this idea.
Love this! My mom started my brother and I from the time we could write…And we always got a package of blank thank you notes in our stocking – she told us Santa liked kids who wrote thank you notes. There were always enough in our stocking to get us through Christmas, Easter, birthdays (we’re both in April). And would you believe that I still – at 38, almost 39 years old – I STILL get thank you notes in my stocking!! And I write them all the time. After job interviews, after staying with friends, to my grandparents. I think the old lady in me thinks it’s kind of a lost art. But time wise, I think you have some time when it’s kids…like weddings!
Ha! Please share your British perspective more often. Thank you.
But printing out the address labels correctly would drive me batty I’m sure. I did send an e-vite so maybe I’m off the hook?
Alright, I’m doing the email thank you, next go round.
I hereby absolve you of any and all guilt. And yes, I have the authority to do so.
That’s what I’m banking on!
Let’s make today the day!
Hmmm…this is an interesting option. And since my handwriting looks like the writing of a blindfolded third grader, maybe I should consider this.
I had to email a couple of my new mom friends to ask for their addresses and they all told me absolutely not to bother with the thank you card. At least I know I am making the right kinds of friends!
Proof this thank you card thing has got to go. For the love of the children!
A fat marker! Why didn’t I think of that? And yes, getting rid of the nagging feeling was worth finally writing the damn things.
Does the vacation come with gift-wrapped presents? Because then you might have something.
If you’ve got a knack for it and you enjoy it then more power to you. Have you ever read about Jackie O’s thank you cards? She was the master.
I have really strong feelings on thank you notes. I know that in polite society you have to do them (especially when a gift has been sent, in the case of the aunt), but I have been in too many situations where it was used as a manipulative tool and I’m bitter about it.
I’m sorry, but if you’re my dear close friend and I open the gift in your presence, I feel like it’s too formal to write a generic thank you note afterward. Yet lo and behold if I haven’t been chastised for not doing it. Some people keep score on this kind of thing. Maybe I need to find better friends?
Hate writing them, hate getting them. I would be honored and tickled to receive your thank you card. Let’s just be honest. “Thank you from the bottom of junior’s 2 inch heart for the 6,000 piece Lego set he will daily scatter in every room of our tiny condo, leaving a wake this mommy will surely appreciate after her 3rd glass of Cabernet when the Real Housewives is just about to start and the babies both need to be changed and put down” (perhaps in both senses of that phrase – j/k, don’t call Social Services on me just yet)! How ’bout a simple, “Thanks for coming. ~Hugs, the kid”
i just pass out goody bags that say ‘thank you for coming to my party’ and call it ‘good’ *sometimes*
i do know that older generations do expect a hardy and genuine ‘thank you’ card though…
ever considered using a q-tip for your envelope sealing?
i always get a little bowl of water to dip and swipe when i get ready to send out holiday cards, etc.
~ popped over after reading (and really relating!!) your recent comment on a belle a bean and a chicago dog .
Cheers!
~h
I emailed a bunch of new mom friends for their addresses to send my belated thank yous and almost all of them said not to worry about it. I’ll still probably send them but I think you definitely need new friends that aren’t using thank you cards as future fight fodder!
Copy and paste. Using both your suggestions next time. Depending on the gift giver.
Wow- those are two totally helpful tips! I love the gift bag idea. I might even write on it: This will count as your thank you card. Sorry but I’m a very busy person. Mwah!
I totally believe in the notion of thank you cards but omg they are such a pain in the arse. And typically? I get past “that window” and just say forget it, like you did. Like our Xmas gifts from this year. I even bought cute cards from Paper Chase, b/c I love some funky stationery, but they are sitting in my office, untouched! Damn! What I’ve started doing instead is taking pix on my iPhone of the kids playing with the toy or wearing the outfit that such and such gave and text/email them the photo. Do you think that counts?
What better way to show thanks then visual proof of your kid using the gift! Just make sure you retouch any tears and/or adult hands forcing the toy upon the child out of the picture.
Whenever I give a gift I make sure to tell the recipient that part of the gift is that they don’t have to send me a thank you note. I have no need for one.
I am going to do the same from now on. Hopefully, we are the beginning of the thank you note revolution.
I love Mazzy’s thank you note form letter!
She is SO smart for a 14 month old!
She could teach me how to write a creative, fun, comical thank you note!
*wink wink*
It may have been late…but it was cute….unlike myself who may not have sent all of her wedding thank yous….that was 5 years ago now…so I truly don’t remember except I thanked one friend for the wrong present! HA! Oh well!
I try so hard to get actual Thank You’s out, vs. an email or a phone call. And I’ve done so well….but this past Christmas? I so sucked at it, I think I got out 4 or 5?
And don’t you have a year to do this kind of stuff? =)
Just think, in a few years we will be forcing our kids to write their own thank you notes. THAT may be worse than actually writing them all ourselves. My son negotiates like an attorney. A highly-paid, no-moral-compass-to-be-consulted attorney. I can’t wait.
i love your thank you card! blame my PARENTS! or just blame dad. that would be mine. i too hate TY cards. this year, we did “bring a toy for a needy child, no gifts for bella” so we only got like 3 gifts for her but a huge box of toys for tots. that made thank you-ing very easy. =)
I’ll remember this topic for a later post! IMO… People attending a birthday — no thank you card needed. Gift or money in the mail — yes, so they do know it arrived. I’m not a card person, so I think a phone call is even better. Hate wasting money on cards.
Expressing gratitude does indicate upbringing. I was always taught to never return a plate empty — include a thank you. It’s a generational thing, too. I don’t know… 🙂
I hate writing Thank you’s too. Why can’t a mass email be enough.
But your thank you was priceless.
I feel I need to tell you though, that you have set yourself up for more of those b/c it was so good ppl are going to want more. Best to slack off and never have to do it again.
My husband family doesn’t send them. I was shocked. My mother would have killed us if we hadn’t sent a card.
You think it is hard now, just wait until you are forcing your 9 year old son and 11 year old daughter to write their thank you notes. Talk about torture!!!! We are doing 5 a day right now and it is like pulling teeth.
I like you version of the thank you note!
Stopping by from Mama Kat’s
I feel bad now because I don’t even send thank you cards. At least you tell people in sweet cards that you appreciate what they’re doing for you 🙂 I am a new GFC follower and I am stopping by from Mama Kat’s Workshop 🙂
I think I’m actually the kind of person who likes to write a super personal note so the generic nature of it all really makes me feel disingenuous.
I wonder if those wedding folks even noticed. I wouldn’t have.
I think that’s wedding gifts. If I got a thank you note for something I gave you almost a year ago, I’d think you lost your mind.
This sounds horrible. Not only do you feel like you have bad manners, but you also get to feel like you have no control over your kid. YAY!
Excellent plan. I am remembering that for next year. Selfish and generous all at once.
I like the in-person exception. And a phone call sounds nice if you don’t mind getting into god forbid a full-on conversation with the person. I just can’t wait for emails to be acceptable.
True. Can’t set expectations high and destine yourself for failure. I’m sure I’ll find another area to prove unworthiness.
Consider yourself lucky. I have never met a group of people more on the ball with their card giving than my husband’s family. And they are the first people to call me out when they don’t get one.
As I said above, this sounds like parenting HELL. I’m sure the bribery and the threats make for great mother-child moments.
Thanks for following! And I think you’re “no thank you card policy” fits in very nicely with your blog title— “so-called mom”. Rock on.
For some reason I just saw this, but had to comment because Daniel’s birthday party was weeks ago, and I managed to do half of the thank you notes (for the kids at school), but anything that needed to mailed is still on the to-do list. But this raises the question of why it’s the mom’s responsibility? Why can’t the dad do half? I will be asking this question later tonight.
For the record, my mom wouldn’t do my Bat Mitzvah thank you notes either. And she made me rewrite some.
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