Congratulations to Callon! As the winner of the MJK Knits giveaway, her daughter Sage will soon be rockin’ a bright pink sweater with a lime “S” on the front. But that’s not all!
Remember when I asked you who you’d choose as your celebrity mom friend? That’s because, as an added bonus, the winner gets a playdate with the celebrity of her choice!
Who did Callon choose to spend her day with? None other than mother to Harlow Winter Kate and Sparrow James Midnight, that skinny bitch in a maxi dress— Nicole Richie.
Now, it’s not my job to question Callon’s choice of celebrity mom friend, it’s just my job to make it happen. So I contacted Mrs. Richie (currently awaiting her return phone call) and took the liberty of putting together an agenda for their playdate.
Important Note: Callon— remember to dress Sage in her fancy new sweater!
9am: Callon & Sage arrive at the Richie/Madden residence
9-11:30am: “Test of Patience” in foyer while Nicole is upstairs finding appropriate attire for herself and her two kids (snacks provided include breadless arugula sandwiches, packets of sweet ‘n low, and crushed ice)
11:30am: Official introductions in “The Accessory Closet” for Part II of Nicole’s Outfit Preparation
Introductory Topics of Discussion
Why Sparrow is Cuter than Bronx Mowgli
How Burping Next to Paris Hilton can be the Gateway to Celebrity
Owning The Bitch Inside You
12:00pm: Trip to Starbucks
12:45pm: Paparazzi photo op with children
1:00pm: Five rounds of “Ring and Run”, Location: Rachel Zoe’s house
1:30pm: Lunch / Lesson in pretending to eat sushi
2:30pm: Fifteen minute break for Callon to come to terms with the fact that she could have chosen Tina Fey or Gwen Stefani
2:45pm: Play practical joke on Rachel Bilson in which her dog is stolen
3:30pm: Wardrobe change
5:00pm: Supervised play and round table discussions
Round Table Topics
Using Gum as a Meal Substitute
Mischa Barton’s weight fluctuation (photo evidence provided)
LIndsay Lohan: Friend or Foe?
6:30pm: Goodbye cocktails in the “Is Nicole Too Skinny?” US Weekly Covers Hallway Gallery
7:00pm: Callon and Sage depart
7:15pm: Visit to In & Out Burger where a delirious and starving Callon realizes Nicole stole Sage’s awesome “S” sweater to give to Sparrow
Callon— Please email me at myshort@mommyshorts.com to claim your prize. I hope the sweater and your playdate are everything you dreamed it would be!
————–
As for the rest of you, I couldn’t ignore your responses. Here’s a list of the celebrity mom friends you chose and what that might mean…
Giselle Bundchen: You have successfuly deluded yourself into thinking you have a shot with her husband.
Julia Roberts: You still think it’s the mid ’90s.
Salma Hayek: You would like to admire her boobs in person.
Jennifer Garner: You’re probably normal. Also, boring.
Reese Witherspoon: You’re contemplating “bangs” and want her honest opinion.
Gwen Stefani: You want your music, your fashion advice and your workout buddy wrapped up in one convenient package.
Tina Fey: You’re seeking official confirmation that you are not that funny (because she is SO funny, in case that wasn’t clear)
Ellen Degeneres: The mirror is no longer enough. You would like to show-off your dance skills on national television.
Padma Lakshimi: You like getting high and eating eggs benedict.
Maya Rudolph: You’re curious if she ever did a Saturday Night Live skit in which she wasn’t singing.
Nicole Kidman: You want to touch her face to see if it shatters.
Allyson Hannigan: Somebody needs to tell CBS that it’s time for Ted to meet the GODDAMN mother.
Octomom & Britney Spears: You like friends who make you feel better about your parenting skills.
Giada De Laurentis: You’re hungry.
Courtney Cox: You would like to know the location of the Fountain of Youth (Bitch is 47!!)
Bethenney Frankel: Jill Zarin once gave you a dirty look on the street and you think it’s time for a showdown.
Ellen Pompeo: You want to yell at someone about that STUPID STUPID Grey’s Anatomy Musical Event.
Neil Patrick Harris: You are confused as to the definition of “mother”. (Also, wheeee!!!! I want to be his friend too!)
Natalie Portman: You’re curious how fresh faced she’ll look after 6 months with a newborn.
Heidi Klum: You’ve been sewing dresses in your basement since childhood.
Pink: You want to compare tattoo sleeves with her husband.
Mia Michaels: (I found no evidence that Mia has children so…) you wish that you could have her babies.
Me (yes, someone said this): You either have a distorted perception of reality or believe that flattery can buy you a sweater. No can do, Nicole— giveaways are determined by “random number generator” only.
Nobody picked Katie Holmes. I am going to chalk that up to the collective sanity of my readers. Also conspiciously absent were Keri Russell, Rebecca Romijn, Ashley Simpson, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Lopez. Do you want to call to tell them the bad news or should I?
Damn, you’re not a celebrity?? 🙂
A playdate with Mariah Carey and her twins (I mean the babies, not the boobies) would be interesting! Once they’re here of course.
Also on my wishlist would be Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett!
That sounds like quite a busy day with Nicole Richie. I think you need to add nap time in there somewhere.
Oh, you make me laugh.
I would totally choose Gwen. Totally.
I love the “gum as a meal substitute” lesson. I still want that sweater!
It seems that you’ve just insulted me and my celebrity mom friend Tina Fey in one pithy sentence. I will pack my knives and go home!
I did not mean that as an insult to Tina Fey. I meant that because Tina Fey is unbelievably funny, you will realize that you are not.
But this pertains to other people who picked Tina Fey. You, my friend, are hilarious.
Before I could ever have a playdate, I’d need a cheat sheet of what kid name went with what celeb. I have no clue about more than half of them!
I think Mariah Carey is going to be a great mom. What with her breasts always being so accessible and all.
You are lucky you live in a city where you can remain anon. If you lived in LA these Mommas would hunt you down and you’d only be able to eat at the drive-thru. Wish wouldn’t be so bad considering there are lots of In-N-Outs there.
You made me guffaw on a Monday. Thank you for that gift!
Mmmm crushed ice.
I’m curious to know what Natalie Portman will look like after 6 months of motherhood as well. If she’s still fresh-faced I’m gonna say she hired a nanny.
ARGH! I wrote a beautiful and hilarious comment and then submitted and got clicked over to the typepad advertisement. Why does typepad want me so badly? And why did I not copy over my comment before hitting publish? BAH!
Oh, and I totally would have picked Katie because I would want to show her what a real 4yo looks like. ie: we went out the other day and my child wore: 1 long-sleeved grey shirt w. sparkly butterfly, 1 butterfly patterned short-sleeved pink and white dress over ls shirt, one pair of pink sparkly leggings, one pair of bright blue rain boots (NO HEEL), and a red/grey zip up jacket over all of that. Then she got her face painted. Any guesses as what? Oh yes, you got it, a butterfly! (My first attempt at this was way funnier, thank you, typepad!)
Also, I snorted and nearly spit my Silk milk and store-brand cereal all over my laptop at the Allyson Hannigan HIMYM comment. And would totally pick NPH as I puffy heart him. There. Thank you and good day! [Copying now for the record!]
LOL!! I wish I’d thought to write that!
Good save.
Maya Rudolph sang? I must have been hanging with Padma…
And I am totally sad I forgot about Giada – Now I am hungry.
Loved the post….I think depending on the day I’m having I’d go with Ellen or if I need a parental pick me up, maybe Brittany.
Just mumble things like Audioscience and Pilot Inspektor and half the time you’ll get it right. If not, you can pretend like you were actually talking about audioscience and pilot inspecting.
Nicole Richie would make me cry. I am sure of it.
So sorry you have so much trouble with submitting comments!
I mean seriously. How many times are they gonna say something like, “But that kids was not your mother. Nope, that is a story for another time.” Aargh! Neil Patrick Harris is the only thing that keeps me watching at this point.
She sang ALL. THE. TIME. She did Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, etc. etc. I always thought whenever she showed up in a skit, it was just a matter of time before she broke out in song.
DANG! You’re so right! I was hungry when I wrote that. And watching Food Network. 🙂 When not starved, I’d actually say Kari Byron.
is nicole going to be hosting a giveaway from her wardrobe? i’m in if she is!
I had to look that up! And here I thought I was Miss No-It-All about obscure celebrites.
Me too! That girl knows how to dress.
I don’t think I could handle Brittany even as a ploy to make myslef feel better. Ellen, however I could hang with. Although, I don’t believe she’s a mom yet. Even though a bunch of people picked her.
Oh, my. TOOOOOO funny! I definitely want to send CBS that message through Allyson Hannigan (as long as they don’t plan to have Ted meet the kids’ mother through a character played by Charlie Sheen).
And on that note, did no one want to spend the day with Denise Richards?
Yeah. Me either.
Loved the post, Ilana. Love.
How did my plan backfire? I was soo smooth.
If they brought Charlie Sheen into the mix at least it would be guaranteed to end in epic fashion. Imagine Denise was the mother? COMEDY GOLD!
It was a nice attempt. I won’t think any less of you. (to your face).
Courtney Cox did something to her face, she’s trout pout level yellow. The Kidman one though, right on.