I wanted to write a letter directly to Rachel Zoe, just like my “Dear Katie Holmes” and “Dear Mariah Carey” letters, but I didn’t know what to say. Because Rachel Zoe is not being held captive in Tom Cruise’s basement or living in a rainbow-glitter-filled-cloud in the sky— Rachel Zoe knows exactly what she’s doing.
So… Instead, I am writing a letter to Skyler, her four-month-old baby boy— a poor little guy who needs to get clued in on the cards he’s been dealt.
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Dear Skyler,
Welcome to the world! Congrats on thriving in a womb nourished exclusively on gum and Starbucks! Obviously, you are a fighter!
OK. Are you lying down?
I don’t want to alarm you but— YOU ARE WEARING A $1450 GUCCI LEATHER BOMBER JACKET.
Now, this might have been a gift from Gucci, so your mother might not have paid anything for it, but that doesn’t mean she loves it any less. She keeps it in a silk baby garment bag, for god’s sake. She’s also on video (see below) saying that the jacket is “EVERYTHING” to her. (Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s a small space in the back of mom’s label-obsessed heart reserved for you, too.)
I’m only telling you this, Skyler, because I want you to think twice before doing anything stupid— like spitting up or drooling or god forbid— pooping while clothed. Unfortunately for you, normal baby bodily functions have huge staining potential. And I’m not sure how kindly your mom would react to such careless treatment of high-end designer duds.
If you’re thinking that you can bend over and aim your regurgitated sour milk at your shoes, that’s not an option either. Those aren’t shoes— they are Tod’s driving moccasins.
I know what you’re thinking now— “If my clothes are so precious, than I can just lean over and aim the majority of my spit-up on the interior of my stroller.” Nope. Customized Bugaboo by Missoni.
And that blanket draped across your lap? Hermes.
Sorry kid. You’ve got a long life of putting your clothing and accessories before your comfort and well-being. I’m sure all you want to do is rip off those wool footie pajamas and slip on a summer-friendly Gerber onesie but I’m afraid mom would have a heart attack. They come in *GASP* plastic wrapped packs of three!!!
In all honesty, I believe your mom gave birth to you for reasons other than the adorableness of her favorite designer collections in miniature form. I just don’t have any examples for you yet. But I have faith that one day, she’ll pair you with a handbag and realize your TRUE ACCESSORY POTENTIAL.
Sweet dreams, little Skyler. While the rest of Babyland dreams of boobs and bottles, you can dream of onesies that aren’t dry clean only.
FYI— cotton feels fantastic.
Maybe mom will let you touch a swatch of it one day.
I promise. You’ll DIE.
Much love,
Mommy Shorts
PS: Below is a video of your mom showing off your $78,000 wardrobe on ABC News. Yes, this is considered “NEWS”. You’ll learn all about that media misstep someday, too.
Spot. On. Righteous. I die.
Just put the poor kid in a Gerber onesie, like you said! Ugh. BTW, those driving moccasins are all the rage right now, right? I see them everywhere!!
The kid has his own freaking walk-in wardrobe?? (granted, just a section, but still!)
I’m getting the fun and humor in your letter, you’re totally taking the piss. But I just felt disgust at Rachel Zoe and her stupid expensive designer baby wardrobe!
Clearly, you are dealing better with this than I am. Heh.
Hilarious!
Okay, yep, seriously the most vapid piece of fuckwittage ever to walk God’s green earth.
Your letter? Is everything. I hope you will be mailing baby Skyler a hard copy.
I LITERALLY just died.
Hilarious. Poor kid. I mean, not literally poor or anything.
Oh, tell him to give his mom a sammich, too. She needs one or four.
I can’t wait for Skyler’s teenage years when he rebels by only wearing vintage polyester Long John Silver’s uniforms.
I’m still trying to figure out who this ridiculous Rachel Zoe imitation-of-a-person is. Why is she famous? Why do I care anything about her?
Great post though–nearly snarfed coffee out my nose. (Luckily if that happened it would not stain anything expensive or designer.)
Cheers.
That is spot on! And by “spot” I’m not referring to Beechnut peas. Poor kid.
You deserve your own celebrity commentary show. I was (oops) watching a little TMZ on TV the other night, and you are much, much funnier than anything they possibly say.
Off to take care of the kiddos, who need to get out of their jammies still. One of whom is wearing a much too small “pajama dress” aka nightgown in everyone else’s world and one of whom is wearing his “birthday boy” t-shirt, complete with chocolate frosting stains – from January.
Kid, I’ll take that jacket and trade you every onesie I got. Tons of them.
Now hand over the jacket that I’ll sell on eBay to buy diapers and not the gold lined ones you’re wearing. Do those chafe??
I’m grossed out looking at her. How does she even have the strength to hold that baby? Her arms have a 2 inch circumference.
What. The. FUCK.
Luckily, that wardrobe was probably paid for by using the tax loopholes, so it didn’t cost her one cent. Which is good, since Starbucks adds up quickly.
Someone also needs to get Skyler’s Mommy a sandwich STAT. Good lord that’s disgusting.
You are awesome.
This was very entertaining. Well done.
All I’m saying is that child’s closet is larger than my apartment. Also, I went online to look at photos of Rachel Zoe pregnant. Good lord, I could barely tell the difference. Even in her cover shot being a fabulous hollywood mom for some magazine she just looked more like she had actually blood in her veins and less like the undead.
And for the record no, a $1400 child-sized Gucci leather jacket would not make me want to have a child.
Your baby doesn’t own a pair? Do you want them to have no friends in preschool or WHAT?
Make no mistake. That whole closet is his. If you go into that little section where she pulled out the bomber, you’ll also find the house I grew up in as a child. Tell my mom I said hi.
I could feed a portion of Asia’s starving children for the cost of his entire wardrobe…so what do you say Skyler? Give back to the hungry little ones who made your clothes?
I’ve bedazzled my letter with actual diamonds and marked it “From the desk of Anna Wintour” to ensure somebody notices it.
I tried to give Rachel Zoe a sandwich once but it looked really good and I ate it.
I can just see him threatening to accessorize a la a Friday’s waiter with suspenders and flair. He’s gonna play his mom like a piano.
She is the most famous clothing hanger of our time. You might want to hang a portrait of her in your closet to honor her properly.
Thank you. My goal is to be Tosh 3.0.
TMZ gives me seizures.
I hate her. I have never heard of her until just now, but I just want to slap the shit out of her. Does she know that stuff is only going to fit for like 3 weeks?
Hard to believe something can be so hilariously funny and shameful at the same time.
I’m embarrassed for her, actually.
And that news reporter. For real?
Disgusting.
OMG that is ridiculous. Can you imagine if she had a girl? The designer dresses and Tiffany jewelery that infant would have?
I always found it hard to find cute boy clothes, they were always one rack in a sea of pink. Clearly I wasn’t shopping at the right stores.
honestly, i can’t even fault zoe has much as the companies that think up selling this over-the-top baby stuff in the first place.
was just reading about burberry’s infant perfume, ’cause y’know the scent of newborn baby is so yesterday.
I just love your scathing reviews-in-letter-form of celebrity parenting. Seriously, compile enough of these and you could write a book.
And that outfit she’s wearing in that picture? Um, can someone tell me what’s the Big Fucking Deal about it? Hello? Anyone can throw on a pair of wide-legged jeans, a black tunic-style t-shirt, and a belt.
The tone of this post is right on! After watching that it seems like he is just her baby doll to dress up. Now, I like to dress my kid more than I do myself, but I have had to sacrifice a large number of onesies and outfits to the poop blowout.
Also, what is up with her arm in the first picture?
Maybe if we all pool our stained onesies together we can get a pair of newborn Gucci mittens. I call first dibs!
Wait— is Rachel Zoe embroiled in some sort of tax scam that I am unaware of? Do tell!
Thank you for clearing that up. I was afraid after viewing the jacket, you’d run out and have unprotected sex immediately. Then you’d blame me for the next eighteen years of your sleepless life.
That is not a concern. Skyler would never DARE wear the same outfit twice. COME ON!
I think it’s fairly obvious that upon hearing she was having a boy, Rachel Zoe locked herself in the bathroom and cried her ass off.
Although- crying for 20 weeks straight works wonders for water retention. No wonder she never looked like she put on any pregnancy weight!
Burberry is making an infant perfume??? So that babies can smell like adults or so adults can smell like babies???
I think I would get sued for everything Mommy Shorts is worth. In other words— bring it on!
It’s called starving.
It is one thing to have a lot of money, whatever, good for her, but to be that ridiculous with your spending for freaking baby clothes!? Gah! I die! Yes, I am sure that a lot of it is probably free but still. Ick! And I second what everyone is saying, eat a damn sammich Rachel Zoe! I could snap her like a twig!
Who is this twit? And yes, this Gucci Bomber jacket makes me want to have another boy? HELLLL NO, is she for real? I’m letting my boys run around in strawberry stained tshirts and diapers for this summer fashion statement. What do you think about those apples Zoe?
I agree. My child could bite through her arm it is so skinny. It makes me queasy looking at it.
I think she’s pissed that she didn’t have a girl. Did you notice that comment in the video about the jacket? “Doesn’t this just make you want to have a boy?” Yeah, uh huh. Now it does.
Disgusting.
HOnest to God, Racehl ZOe needs a cheeseburger.If she were a runway model one thing but she’s a Mommy who looks like she is starving to death.It can;t be safe her walking around all dizzy and light headed, she could fall down or blow away.We need to start the “feed Rachel Zoe” campaign. Who;s in?
Poor baby Skyler, if she unwraps him from his heat sauna of haute couture, that poor baby may be emaciated as well.He can’t be breastfeeding,I’m pretty sure if he were…poor kids sucking dust. I say again…Let’s feed Rachel Zoe!
She’s gross. Poor Skyler. She is going to have real trouble when he hits those teen years. Especially with an identity crisis. And all the kids on the playground are going to kick the crap out of him with his own moccasins. Not that I condone that. I’m just saying…
Well played.
i have no words. therefore, i will sit here – gobsmacked.
Bravo!!!! I wish I didn’t even know about this child’s wardrobe, but since you pointed it out, I think this letter is perfection!!!!
Hilarious. Seriously, when is the Rachel Zoe show coming back on air but I really need to watch it.
people who actually buy those things are ridiculous, considering infants grow out of stuff so quickly. that’s why clothes come wrapped in plastic packs of three!
yeah, all of the above!!… what’s sad is that society has created all this monstrosity. and we will be the makers of our own ultimate demise.
Wish it weren’t that way…what ever happened to morals and values? and treating others with decency? now the haves get “havier” and the have-nots? well… we can all just go fight for those breadcrumbs that are not worthy of these so much more “rarified” folk
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