Mazzypainting

Mazzy's favorite thing to do at the moment is color. (That's her painting in an art class up top but at home it's all about crayons.) You'd think this would give me lots of free time since I can just trap her in the highchair, tape a piece of paper to the tray, and hand her a pile of crayons.

Unfortunately, due to her penchant for ingesting the crayons, supervision is necessary. Mazzy will look like she is completely absorbed in the task at hand, when really she is waiting for something shiny to catch my eye so she can use that half second to see if the purple crayon tastes different than the yellow one.

(It just might. I haven't tried one.)

Then the next hour is spent scrubbing her mouth out with a wet washcloth and a toothbrush. Judging by the screaming and flailing involved, this is not her favorite activity. However, it does not deter her from wanting to color AGAIN.

In addition to being attentive, I am also required to answer various demands to draw things.

"Cat!" "Dog!" "Frog!" "Tyrannasuarus Rex!"

Now, I am an artistic person and have a better chance than most of pulling drawings off in an identifiable fashion. But I must draw quickly and often upside down. So sadly, my animal drawings mainly look something like this:

Horse

That's a horse. Notice how he needs to wear a bra.

Thankfully, there is one frequent request I can honor with ease. Circular eyeballs, oval nose, red fur. I can draw him upside down, in two seconds with my eyes closed.

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That's my new BFF Elmo. I know. Try to get used to my change of heart.

Cookie monster is pretty easy too. Just cross the eyes, lose the neck and make him blue.

Cookiemonster

I thought Mazzy had me when she yelled out "Abby Cadabby". But I think I figured her out as well:

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If Mazzy weren't hogging the purple and pink crayons, Abby would be SPOT ON.

I was all set to teach an Online Sesame Street Drawing Tutorial, when I was alerted to the fact that someone desperately needs help right in my own home.

This morning, I walked straight into a scene from a horror movie playing out in my kitchen.

I call it "Nightmare in Elmo's World, by Mike".

THIS IS YOUR CUE TO COVER YOUR CHILD'S EYES.

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Apparently, one woman's horse is another man's muppet. And yes, I am currently questioning my decision to dedicate my life to the man who drew this picture.

After Mazzy stopped crying, I came to a realization: My child will continually be privy to the nightmarish drawings of my spouse unless I take appropriate action.

Translation: WE MUST BUY SOME COLORING BOOKS.

There is no way in hell, I'm gonna let Mike's "Elmo Horror Show" be the reason Mazzy wakes up at night screaming, starts torturing the neighbor's cat and ends up in intensive therapy.

Just when Elmo and I were beginning to get along, too.

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BONUS ROUND! After I wrote this post, I emailed my sponsor Wee Gallery because I remembered they have an awesome looking coloring book called "Bunny & Bear in Bryant Park".

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What? Did you think I was going to get a WIGGLES coloring book or something?

Wee Gallery agreed to give three coloring books away to my readers for free. So if you are a Mommy Shorts facebook fan (mandatory for all my giveaways), just leave a comment below. If you'd like a second entry, become a facebook fan of Wee Gallery and leave a second comment.

Unless, of course, you and your spouse can both knock out a drawing of Oscar the Grouch in your sleep. If that's the case, please leave the book for the people who really need it.

Winners will be announced tomorrow. That's right, friends— TOMORROW.

Good luck!