The picture above was posted on the Mommy Shorts facebook fanpage by a woman named Samantha who was hoping to enter her son Brett (I'll assume Brett is the baby sitting on the right) in next year's Evil Baby Glare-Off.
Unfortunately, Samantha has her facebook privacy settings configured in such a way that I can't comment on the picture to glean more information.
Like WHAT exactly went down in that tub.
I can't even tell you the name of the equally peeved toddler on the left.
But I think we can all agree, this is the stuff of which caption contests are made.
So. For the purposes of this post, let's call the toddler "T". Why do we need to name the toddler? Because when you enter your captions below, you are going to need to differentiate between who did/said what. I think the possibilities are much wider open than they first appear.
Captions will be judged by the current Caption Contest Queen, Julie C. Gardner, who will be crowning the new Queen on Friday in a very elaborate ceremony that exists solely in my head. I would invite Samantha but I have no idea how to get in touch with her. If anybody knows the woman who was kind enough to submit the picture above, please forward her the invite. George Clooney will be making an appearance as well as the last unicorn, so I am sure she will want to attend.
The new Queen will have the supreme honor of judging the next caption contest.
May the best caption win!
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I uploaded the third episode of the Mommy Shorts Show. I'm talking about the Duggars, Seth Rogen and Mazzy's latest Justin Bieber imitation. Check it out here.
“Yo, Baldie. You think I’m dumb enough to believe Mom left a brownie in the tub? That’s just nasty.”
“You better watch your mouth, Goldilocks. I could pee in this thing every night for the next YEAR, and you’d never even know it.”
T: Ugh, are you kidding me Brett?!? You peed in the tub AGAIN?
B: Oh please, T, this is nothing compared to your “episode” last week. You’re old enough – you should know better.
T: Hey Mama!!! Brett just sprayed me with his funny looking bath toy again!!!
T: I’m takin’ my towel and goin’ home.
B: “What’chu talkin’ about, Willis?”
Eww…this ain’t no Jacuzzi. That’s what you get for eating the beans mom made. Screw this, LATE!
Brett: “It’s CALLED ‘I’ll show you *mine* and you show me *yours*’ You’re not getting out of this tub until you show me yours. Fair’s fair!”
If you think you can poop and run, you’ve got another thing coming.
T: “Mommy, I gotta go potty.”
Brett: “Dude, where are you going? You can pee right here, like I just did.”
T: “Alright, for serious, Mommy – get me outta here!”
If you tell Demi about this, I’ll make you look like a whore in the tabloids.
T: When I asked you if this tub makes me look fat, you weren’t supposed to say YES.
Ha! You took my line.
Ohhhh, Julie’s the judge! Sweet.
Brett: “you think you’re funny? Just because you can STAND UP and slick me down with your potty?”
T: “I think it’s pretty funny, yes. And there ain’t nuthin you can do, bro.”
Brett: “You wait, ‘bro.’ When I’m walking, I’ll find you in your sleep and get you in your bed. Then, THEN I’ll tell Mommy you wet your bed. Bedwetter. How you like me now?”
Okay I know I can’t win the contest (or CAN I? *evil laugh*) but seriously.
Someone needs to buy those kids some bath toys.
T: ” A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
T: I won that hose squirting contest fair and square!!
B: Sore loser.
B: That’s right, T, who’s the ” King of the Bath” NOW?
Brett “Cellulite? No T,that’s not cellulite, I have cellulite. You are such an ass”
My hair WILL grow!!! You DO NOT need to water it!!!!!
T: ” And then the new kid BIT the bubbles, Mom. He bit them. ”
Brett: “You MADE the bubbles, dude.”
That better be a Tootsie Roll…….
T: “Mom! What is this baby doing in my tub?”
Brett: “I just peed in it so it’s mine now.”
sorry, but i do not bathe with bald-headed conservatives. I’m outta here.
Seriously Brett, mine is SIGNIFANTLY bigger.
Brett: “What do you mean Mommy didn’t get a Leap Pad on Black Friday? I told her to make sure she took her pepper spray to WalMart with her!”
T: “Silly Mom, pepper spray is for amateurs. She should have just trampled everyone. I mean doesn’t she know how to get it done?!”
This ain’t Sing Sing, fresh meat! Put that thing away before I cut it off! By the way, that’s a temporary tattoo so stop frontin’!
B: “I TOLD you I could aim and spray in your face from across the tub! Now get back down here, I want to do it again”
T: “Don’t talk to me, I’m getting out. That was NOT funny!”
“No that is NOT brown Play-doh, do you think I was born 6 months ago?”
LOVE this one!
Elaborate ceremonies that exist only in your head??
No matter how many times I roll up my sleeves and clear out my google reader, YOURS will never ever be the one to go.
Really, Brett? We’re having a nice pleasant soak and you come at me again with this “I didn’t mean to put your Leapster in the dishwasher” business? Sometimes I think you just need the drama.
Winning!
Brett: This is my turd face, sucka.
T: Mom? Mooooooooom?!
Brett: That’s right, I’m brewing a poop tsunami. You go ahead and call yo momma.
T: Just try to take my cup again, Bitch.
Excuse me?!
Natural Bubbles. So what? Mom had to sell the Jacuzzi tub because of the economy.
You stole my idear. Back to the drawing board…
“I KNOW your not blaming that on ME!”
“I swear to GOD, Brett, if you splash me again, you’re going under. I just got my hair did. Not that you’d know anything about THAT, now would you, baldy?”
really? wrong page I think
Mom! The new baby is mocking me again!
T: “The BREAST. I told the old lady I’d share the BREAST. A man has his limits.”
T: Get me out of here! He’s getting ready to zap me with his laser beam eyes!
B: You told me it was a tootsie roll!
ZAP!
I’m telling you, shrinkage is real! Don’t judge me! I was in the tub! I was in the tub! ( hat nod to Seinfeld Hamptons episode )
*T splashes water on Brett and he’s finally had enough…*
Brett: “Oh, by the way…Mom is Santa”
Well, it’s not my poop.
Brett:
You know all those times you tried to smother me in my crib? Payback is a bitch. Game on…
I told you to WAVE my hair, not SHAVE it!!
Brett: Dude. I am not Kris Humphries and you, clearly, are not Kimmy K. You’re not gonna get me to marry and divorce you no matter how much you shove your butt in my face.
B: Where ya going?
T: Mom’s still using that shampoo that causes cancer. I read about it on Baby Center.
B: You’re crazy.
T: Whatever, it’s your funeral.
Yeah, if you were bald, chubby, wet, and trapped in a bathtub with another man, YOU might not be flashin’ the pearly whites EITHER.
Plus I don’t even HAVE any pearly whites yet.
Life sucks. Now get me a goddamned diaper.
Bum looker!!!!
B: “yeah, i’m not a fan of you either”
B: You poop in the tub and it’s okay. I poop in the tub and it’s gross. What gives?
Well, if it’s not my poop and it’s not your poop… then who the hell’s is it?
My son is the boy on the left. His name is Tyler, so calling him “T” was appropriate! Lol