A few weekends ago, another couple asked us to go out to dinner. Adult evenings being few and far between, this was an exciting proposition.
They gave us about a month lead-time so we were easily able to secure a sitter, we emailed back and forth about potential eating establishments eventually reaching agreement and… there isn't really a third thing but it always feels like there should be for flow purposes.
Unfortunately, on the day of our "big event", the other couple called to say their sitter fell through. They suggested we still have dinner at their place, we should just bring Mazzy. All the kids (they have two) could play while we attempted to have ourselves a dinner party at home.
Okay, sure.
I still wore something pretty and got Mazzy dolled up for the occasion. Our friends live out in the 'burbs so we had to travel by car along with a diaper bag, alternative food options, preferred cutlery, pajamas for the ride home and lastly, a pack 'n play on the off chance that Mazzy couldn't hack staying up a little later than usual and needed to be "put down".
After thirty minutes in the car, we pulled into the driveway of our friends' house and I climbed into the back to get Mazzy out of the carseat.
As I pulled her out (me in the middle of the backseat with her facing toward me), she gave me a funny look.
"What is it, Maz?"
"In about 4.2 seconds, I am going to puke up every ounce of food I have ingested within the past five days so I suggest you throw me on the front lawn and then run as far away as possible."
Only she didn't say that (she's two) and I didn't move.
"Are you ok?"
"Nope. I am not okay. I wasn't prepared for this car ride and if memory serves, today you have fed me a steady diet of acid and dairy. It will be orange. Very, very orange."
"Mike— I think something is wrong with Mazzy."
"Dad. Since Mom doesn't appear to be moving even though I have explained the situation to her twice, can you please ask your friends if they have a plastic dropcloth to lay on top of her and the backseat? If not, the next month of your life is going to be dedicated to cleaning out and fumagating the car."
"What did she eat?"
"She had an orange before we left and then drank milk in the car. Maybe that was a bad combination. She really doesn't look good."
"Seriously guys. I am about to throw up all over EVERYTHING. There will be so much puke that you will not be sure how to best get out of the car. And then you are going to have to ring the doorbell of your friends' house while holding my puke-soaked body outstretched like a ticking time bomb. And your friends will make understanding yet also disgusted faces as they reluctantly let you in. And then instead of a lovely dinner, you are both going to have to give me a bath. And mom is going to have to hose herself down in the guest shower but she's not going to be able to do much about her hair. And then she's gonna have no choice but to borrow clothes from someone who is a size zero and she will spend the next few hours feeling terribly self-conscious in pants and a sweater meant for people with bodies like Gwyneth Paltrow. And everyone will sit there smiling when really they will be thinking that if you had just had the foresight to take me out of the car two seconds earlier and point me towards a bush than this meticulously planned adult evening wouldn't have taken such a turn for the—"
BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH.
It went down exactly as Mazzy said.
If only we had listened.
I just want you to know that some lady you don’t know (me) is sitting on her couch crying from laughter right now from this story. Every time I read your blog I laugh out loud. My husband, usually next to me on the couch always asks, what’s so funny? This New York mama I tell him. But nothing is funnier than a good puke story. Has the stomach flu gone through your house yet, I mean, before? Be thankful that it was just something she ate. We had our whole ship taken down for days one time. It was the most awful experience: one bathroom, no laundry machines, lots of puking and pooping. It was f$%ked up. But it still makes me laugh. Puking is funny! Thanks for sharing all of your funny stories!
No! Oh M Gee! I mean that. All over you? That’s, that’s not cool.
But was the dinner nice?
What? I can read about puke and still desire food. I’m no joke.
So, what was for dinner? I hope it wasn’t something orange.
That aside, I’m sorry, so very sorry that you got puked on. Next time, let Mike get Mazzy out of the car. 🙂
So I’m assuming that n one ate dinner after this? Oh poor Mazzy..and you…and your car. Yuck. xo
Oh man. Well your lesson learned is warning to the rest of us. “when in doubt, get her OUT”!
On a side note, on a trip from PA to GA one of our dogs got incredibly sick (about 15 minutes into the journey) and crapped all through the back of our SUV’s hatch area (repeatedly). The smell still never went away entirely so if you find some magic smell eraser, please let me know.
I guess she won’t be a fan of creamsicles at any point.
Awesome story. Less-than-awesome night out. I hope Mazzy felt better after bath. And I hope you got to have a little bit of fun…
At least it was at the home of someone who had kids and could understand! The worst is when something gross happens around the friends WITHOUT kids… you can almost see themselves asking a combination of “Do I *really* want to have kids someday?” and “Do I *really* want to continue to hang out with them?”
A few years ago my then 4 year old grandson got sick while we were all camping. He was in his other grandma’s popup camper sleeping and he projectile vomited – straight up. It hit the ceiling, splattered everywhere, and landed back on him, in his eyes, ears, hair, the bed, the floor, everywhere. Gross gross gross. Not easy cleaning a kid and a camper and clothing in a campground. I was happy it wasn’t my camper lol!
My granddaughter spent Friday night here this weekend, guess what we were dealing with….yup. Spaghetti vomit is also very yucky. Like worms. Then she went home and vomited on the top of her bunk bed, down the railing, dripping to the floor.
Ain’t parenting an education? LOL As my daughter says with a sigh, fun times….
Anyhow…what a mess and I feel for ya! Sounds like the evening was doomed from the start with the cancellation of the sitter. You can just see it coming….the signs were all pointing to, hey you should just stay home tonight!
Live and learn, right! How else are we going to get smarter?
Love the way you wrote about it using Mazzy’s viewpoint. I say let Mike get her out of the car next time after long trips. Hehehe. Just saying.
Oh man, I love the Mazzy’s inner monologue. Sorry you got barfed on 🙁 I hope you drank enough to enjoy yourself in the size 1 clothes.
Nearly as funny as your posting, are the comments. Great followers, funny comments, good times.
It was an evening that just wasn’t meant to be I guess! Very funny story, love the viewpoint from Mazzy.
I’m sorry for laughing so hard at your misery, but the inner dialogue really is hilarious.
I’m sure my mother has a few puke horror stories that I’ve repressed.
Here’s the good news, you won’t let that happen again! My son puked all over me exactly once! sure there were future messes to clean with him and his sisters but that throw up in your face kind of thing is kind of like the chicken pox. You now have self protection on your side.
I am afraid if I laugh too hard about the way you wrote this, it is going to seem like I am laughing AT you instead and I will be destined for some REALLY gnarly karma.
But, omg the car vomit. Is there anything more nasty?
While this tragic event was occurring in the back seat – All I could think was how happy I was, that it wasn’t me back there – All while doing my best to hold back the laughter that was bursting inside of me.
Oh, girl! That is so rough. So very, very rough. Poor you!!! I can imagine how bad the smell was on the ride home, too. 🙁
If you had just left Mazzy home with the sitter, you could have had a nice grownup evening out, but it would have been expensive. You could have ignored your cell phone when the sitter called a dozen times, then paid her $10 an hour even though she completely ignored Mazzy’s vomit-filled bed (cleaning up puke is not in a 14-year old’s job description). You could then pay $1000 to bring in a hazmat team since three hours of sour orange juice, curdled milk, puke and bile would make Mazzy’s room uninhabitable for a good year.
Silver lining? Now you know she gets carsick! Chalk it up to a life lesson. 😉
That is bad. But you can thank your lucky stars she didn’t eat a bunch of dog crap. My dog pulled the back-seat-puking stunt on Friday and we’re still dealing with the consequences.
I figured out that milk is an awful idea for car rides. We gave our little girls strawberry milk on a 12hour roadtrip… BAD IDEA! When we got to my mother in-laws house it was pretty much “hi, so good to see you. Where’s your bathroom?”
Oof. Worse than the time I took Anna on a grown up lunch date (to the home of a single friend) only to have her refuse to poop and then in a last ditch effort threw her in the tub where she let it fly.
There’s nothing worse than throw up in the car…..ugh
http://lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com/2012/01/16/dear-beyonce/
I was right there in your brain through this storytelling.
Except the minute my child stopped puking I’d have been thinking this:
“I cannot possibly clean this. We will just sell the car.”
(I am easily overwhelmed by such messes. It’s tragic.)
Next time the two of you should just go out to dinner on your own. Never waste a sitter. Of course, she would have called you to come home pretty quick.
Sry the night didnt go as planned. At least you tried. Good tip, no citrus + dairy. I am currently trying to get “that” smell out of my car too. Lysol wipes, febreze, resolve, and a really strong air freshner 😉
Nothing makes me happier than strangers laughing at my misfortune. Seriously.
And yes, we had a stomach bug incident once. It was the WORST. It was spread by a kid at Mazzy’s first birthday party so I think we counted 9 people that got it as well including- myself, my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law and several friends. Talk about a party favor!
The dinner was very nice. As long as I used the table to strategically cover my body. You know, since it was bursting out of my friend’s too tight clothes.
Lesson learned.
Nah. We still ate. Probably not as much as would have for fear of ripping my friend’s clothes.
Thank you for confirming my decision to never ever ever get a dog.
Creamsicles are DISGUSTING. One woman’s personal opinion.
I went out with three of my best friends the other day- all of us have kids but one. Midway through dinner, the childless friend totally lost it— Are we really going to talk about puking and poop the whole time??? I’m trying to eat!
Now that I think of it, I think it was in response to the retelling of this story.
Thanks for the spaghetti worms image. I just put down my bowl of oatmeal and took a moment to pull myself together.
Thanks Shammy! Barfing always makes for a lively dialogue.
Vivian went to a birthday party two days ago. Total Chaos.
The birthday boy vomited all over another kid, who vomited all over another kid, who vomited all over another kid and so on.
I was holding Vivian (she is terribly shy and needs soothing at events where people socialize) so I grabbed the diaper bag and we got the heck out of there.
She didn’t eat lunch at the birthday party (I was holding her) so I gave her some coconut chips and strawberry milk in her sippy cup.
Two minutes later, the backseat of my car had a white and pink mixture in it.
She vomited once more at home when I gave her Gatorade, and that was the end of that.
Her cheeks are rosy red and she has a runny nose today, but I think she’s recovering.