Just as a refresher, the beach is not really my thing (check out my original "Is the Beach Worth It?" pie chart here).
I've never been someone who cares about getting a tan, likes sand in the crevices of my lady parts, trespassing on the property of sharks and jelly fish or lugging awkward beach chairs across crowded parking lots under a burning hot sun.
But last year, I did a semi-turnaround because I recognized the experience of seeing the ocean for the first time as a truly amazing thing for my daughter. (Witness her very first steps in the water.)
So I was even, dare I say, EXCITED to take Mazzy to the beach this summer.
After all, she's twice as old, twice as wise, twice as brave and would clearly love the experience TWICE AS MUCH.
But apparently, what happens one year does not apply the next. Because this year, at two and a half years old, Mazzy can think for herself and make her opinions known.
And Mazzy has very clearly decided that NO, THE BEACH IS NOT WORTH IT.
I'm afraid my daughter has been been spoiled by the pool at my mother's West Hampton condo, where we were spending the weekend.
The pool that is:
1) Right outside the back sliding glass door.
2) Heated.
3) Does there really have to be a three? Isn't "right outside" and "heated" enough?
Despite Mazzy's unwillingness to be anywhere but the pool, Mike and I figured she just didn't remember how much she loved the beach and dragged her there anyway.
We packed the chairs and the umbrella and the cooler and the beach bags and the blankets and the towels, stuck them all in the car along with the child, unloaded in the beach parking lot, trekked across the hot sand under the hot sun, set up shop and then presented THE AMAZINGNESS OF THE BEACH to our daughter once again.
"I want to go to the pool."
"But babe— here you have water AND SAND!"
"I want to go to the pool."
"Let's just stay here for a little bit and see if you have fun."
I stripped her of her clothes and she plopped down on our already sandy beach blanket— defeated.
"Do you want to play in the sand?"
She humored us and half-assed a castle.
"Can we go to the pool now?"
"You know what, sweet pea? We can build a much better castle by the water!"
Mazzy looked skeptical but she took her pail and shovel and followed us to the water's edge.
Mike and I sat down in the wet sand (something I haven't done since I was ten) and showed off our best castle-making skills.
But Mazzy was preoccupied with the water lapping closer and closer to her feet.
"Do you want to put your feet in the ocean?"
"No."
"Let's just try. Remember last year when we all held hands and jumped in the waves and had so much fun?"
I held out my hand, which Mazzy took reluctantly.
We inched closer, until the tail end of a tiny wave submerged her feet.
It was FREEZING but I pretended not to notice.
Then a larger wave crashed toward us.
Mazzy let out this low guttural scream and I saw terror in my fearless little girl's face. I swear, I've never seen her scared of anything before.
The water hit her about knee high and quickly retreated. But it was enough.
"I DON'T LIKE IT."
"You don't like it?"
"The ocean is too big for me," she said in a small but definitive voice.
With that, Mazzy ran as fast as she could, through wet and then dry sand, until she felt at a safe enough distance from the water.
She finally stopped toward the top of a sand dune and only because the sand got too hot for her feet. I know this because I had to run up there to retrieve her as she screamed "IT'S HOT!!! IT'S HOT!!!"
Freezing water at one end, black-flecked sand at the other— the beach was literally a trap.
On her way back to the blanket, she peed through her waterproof diaper (I really don't understand those things) and we decided to pack it in.
As I stripped a screaming Mazzy naked, forced her under the outdoor public shower and tried my best to get the sand out of her lady parts before she dragged it all in the burning hot car, I realized something.
She is her mother's daughter. And I am mine.
I’m taking this as a lesson that toddlers change their minds. Since Monkey wasn’t that enthusiastic about the sand and sea the first time, it means he’ll LOVE it the next time, right? RIGHT??
(love Mazzy’s swimsuit!)
I will reserve comment till next week after OUR Hamptons beach experience. Wish us luck!
We had the exact same experience. What is it that triggers “the fear”?
Sounds like a question for Dr. B, who is on vacation in Greece at the moment— lucky her. I think it’s actually a healthy sign of development.
Quoting from her post about “fear of the dark”, Dr. B says:
“Fears often emerge when children develop their capacity to use their imaginations but do not yet have a firm grip on the difference between reality and fantasy.”
I’ve noticed two other incidents with Mazzy recently. The first was that while walking across the street, she eyed the cars suspiciously and started to run quickly to the other side.
The second was while watching a video, a character was introduced that was a “bad guy” complete with low grumbly voice and ominous music. Mazzy said she didn’t like the video because it was “scary” and asked me to change it.
I’ve been to some of the most gorgeous beaches in the world… and have failed to be impressed. A beach, no matter how pretty – is still a beach. Sand in the vag, swimming in a fish’s toilet, hot, no place comfy to sit. Meh. I’ll take a pool any day. Preferably with a swim-up bar.
My kids have never been to the beach, I know I need to take them. It’s going to suck.
I’m with Mazzy on this one. The beach is bullshit.
“The ocean is too big for me”
Wow, that is pretty profound for a 2 year old.
You should come take a day trip to the North Fork, it’s the bay, not the ocean, so it is warmer and the waves are less intense. The adults refer to low tide as “Munchkin tide”. Rebecca doesn’t have Mazzy’s [usually] fearless/adventurous temperament, she is EXTREMELY cautious and adverse to new things, But she actually did BETTER than last year, and went into the water (she thought splashing salt-water into my eyes was HILARIOUS). Who knows, when we’re out on the 4th of July, she might decide she hates it 😉
Oh, and did I mention the North Fork is wine country? 🙂
I’m curious what Dr. B would say in regards to how to handle the INITIAL reaction of fear for something like this — is removing them immediately when they express the initial displeasure validating that there is something to be afraid of? Especially when you know it’s something they’d enjoy once they got used to the new sensation/experience. But, on the flip side, of course, you can create this horrible association.
For example, my daughter is the only 2-year-old I’ve ever seen who HATES the swing. HATES. I think she had one bad experience (damned if I know which that was), and was just amplifying that in her toddler brain. However, at the last day of her gymnastics class, I told her that for the last class, she had to be brave for ONE minute and I put her in the swing. She kicked and flailed and then relaxed. I took it slow and she started to smile and say “Weee!” Then she said next time she wanted to try the other swing.
So I’m curious what Dr. B would have to say in terms of how hard to push kids when they are outside their comfort zone
i will be taking my 3 year old son camping for the first time….where???? the beach. am i insane? all i can think about is sandy smores. oh, and it’s in the middle of july, in a tent, with no air and just the ocean to cool off. what the hell am i thinking???
I am right with you and Mazzy. My daughter is the other end of the spectrum. She LOVES the beach. LOVES. LOVES.LOVES. So, I suck it up and put on the sticky sunscreen, get sand where sand should not go, go in the ocean, and try to enjoy it because she does.
She’s an amazing little kid, my daughter. I am constantly shocked at the things that come out of her mouth.
I love the North Fork but unfortunately, I won’t be drinking any wine for a few more months…
Can anybody go to the bay or do you need to be a card-carrying member of the community? If so, that sounds like a great idea. Where we are, beaches are only open to residents.
Oh my god— both my worst nightmares in one! I won’t belabor the point because I don’t want to give you any more to think about.
You be sure to report back. Maybe it will be fun….?
You both would have LOVED the beach if she’d had a personalized sand bucket.
My kid is 6 and has been to the beach once. We live in California!! We’re planning a trip this summer…it has to happen. It just has to. They kick you out of the state if you stay away from the beach as long as we have.
i will be sure to report back. unfortunately we have no where to go that is free (ie connections at the beach, or even somewhere nice with a pool), and we just bought a new house this spring, so money is tight, so we figured camping is cheap! yeah, i know, it’s cheap, but i know i will be PAYING big!
I really think it depends on the child too. Our 6 year old went through this stage when he was 3. We have a week rental at the Jersey shore (the nice part not the skanky part, and yes there are actually lots of nice parts), and the second time we went there he wanted nothing to do with the water. He spent all the time up at our umbrella happy as a clam digging in the sand and watching everyone else go in the water. We actually think it might be just the vastness of the water and he was overwhelmed. However we were worried he would never like or want to go in the water. The following year he rushed to the water and spent hours playing in the water. He cannot wait to get in the water this year and go out deeper as he can now swim.
Our 3 year old loves the ocean and has never expressed any fear at going in it, or any other body of water. We have to keep an eagle eye on her because of this otherwise she would run right in and keep going over her head. She has been asking us to drive to Cape May so we can go to the beach even in the winter and we have to explain we only go for a week each year and she needs to wait till it is our turn at the house. They both love the pool but seem to really enjoy the ocean too.
I was a shore baby my parents took us there every summer for 2 weeks to a month at a time. My Mom complained since I was born in August that was the only year they didn’t go. Yes the sand is a pain but I am used to it. I hate when they have it imbedded into their eyelashes after a day at the beach. I never know how to remove that. A good strong shower gets it out of all the other regions it gets into.
I’m with you (and Mazzy) 110%. Not worth it. I adore the beach as long as there is a gorgeous pool overlooking it and someone to bring me a fruity drink while lying around said pool. We did our second trip to the beach this year also and Mayhem wanted NO part of the beach either. Except for kicking sand (not cool!). She was just like Mazzy – pool only please 🙂 I’m good with that.
We took our toddler to a water park. She was brimming with enthusiasm (no, not really – but at least humouring us) until my husband took her into a wave pool at the peak of wave time, and didn’t pick her up, and not just one but two waves hit her in the face and then she flat out refused to go into the pool again. Then I took her to the kiddie water park and thought she was out of the way of the big dumping bucket – no, she wasn’t. One dumping of gallons of water on her head later and she was done with that aspect too! But at least took a couple tries on the kiddie water slide and wading pool – didn’t even flinch when the lifeguard grabbed her arm to stop her from sliding at the same time as another little boy. Following day at the beach – dealt OK with a canoe ride, then stated “OK, I done now, I don’t want to try and swim. I just fine. Take off my swimsuit, I just fine”. And to the cottage we went to play legos. M’eh it was cold and windy anyway. Don’t blame her! My 8 (almost 9, eeek!) year old on the other hand was freaking about having to leave the wave pool and then the beach. So maybe with age, there is hope! So long as they don’t then want me in … it’s cold and there’s sharks! (ok, not so much in a fresh water bay, but hey);)
We go to the beach on the gulf side of Florida every spring. My kids were not fans of the beach at age 2 or 3. They are now 7 (almost 8) and they LOVE it. I am not a big ocean (or gulf) swimmer but they have no qualms about splashing right in. I have to say, though, the white powdery sand does help – it does not get as hot as the brown sand up in these parts.
I hadn’t considered that about the sand. Obviously, I know why the water down south is warmer but the sand doesn’t get as hot because it’s lighter. Makes perfect sense. But I bet it still gets in your lady parts….
Well I’d like to say that I was thinking ahead to AFTER your baby is born, but I’ll have to realistically chalk that up to thoughtlessness. Sorry 🙂
There are definitely public beaches and parks on the North Fork, since it serves a less wealthy clientele. At least Mattituck definitely has one, which is walking distance from the private one that the people on the street we visit can use. It’s a more small-town feel, controversy erupts over things like putting up a traffic light on Route 25…
I am no Dr. B., although I play one on TV (haha).
My 2 cents (not that you asked but hey I can still provide, such is the beauty of the internet) if you force a fear then it can create a phobia, and fears are very common in toddlers while they try to sort out the world. I would even go so far as to say with exploratory toddlers fears are necessary as not taking risks with excessive heights, strange animals and strangers, and being cautious in general aren’t exactly bad survival techniques to combat inquisitive, curious, uninhibited children (thank you Darwin!).
I just had to pay a stupid amount to take my toddler to an amusement park to watch her refuse to go on any ride whatsoever. OK, that is a mild lie, she went on the Merry-Go-Round – but while on a bench. Said no to the horse then started to kick, scream and cry when I tried to place her on it. When I could tell the terror was terror (which was within all of about 2 seconds), no way would I force it. I think your example of the swing is great, because you seem to have strongly encouraged it, yet also had an exit plan. Problem with rides? Have to cater to the masses who may not want to wait – and wait – and wait for my kid to figure out it really isn’t scary but fun, and once the ride starts I am screwed if she is going psycho.
Note – this is the kid who is full of beans and bravery, will do acrobatic feats at home that would be hard for the feint of heart to witness and last year had a complete blast at a different amusement park, giggling her head off. This is also the kid who will do anything in a minute if we say “Nope, you can’t do it, only your sister”. But this year at the amusement park? No way going on rides, could care less her sister was able to go without her, and quite happily played at doing – well, nothing but toddling and waiting around for EIGHT HOURS rather than try a ride herself.
So I figure – if the fear isn’t something out of the realm of normal fears, if it isn’t preventing them from leading a relatively normal life, if they aren’t old enough to really be expected to rationalize the fear, then your approach is perfect – present the opportunity, demonstrate safety, allow them to feel in control, encourage but don’t force, and eventually they will hopefully try – or not – after all, if you try and force me to bungee jump or parachute I will likely shiv you, but hey – my fear of heights doesn’t really prevent me from doing anything really necessary in life other than being a GREAT excuse to never have to climb up and clean the gutters on my roof 😉
And if our kids had no fears at all, then how would we expect them to stay away from fire? And random strangers? And not dart on the street? And stay away from ‘dangerous’ heights? And strange animals? etc. …
I’m proud of you for giving it another go, and Mazzy too. But yeah, I say try the Florida beaches on the gulf if you ever get a chance. They are the best in the country, in my opinion and warm and the water is SO pretty. You can see my blog from last week (and the week before) for pictures, if you want. 😉 We go pretty much ever year since we are pretty close. Of course my kids love it but are also ready to just go to the pool pretty quickly after… ha!
What a cute “1st time in ocean” video. So sorry that Mazzy didn’t like the beach this year :(. Kids just go through so many changes and desires. It sucks b/c you did everything right to get ready too. I also hate sand and will bring my son to the beach this year b/c I feel it’s a good experience for him. Hope you enjoy the pool together!
Of course, most swimming pools are toilets too, that’s the sad thing. I think I’ve read that 80% of people admit to having peed in the pool, or something like that.
Stuck between the ocean and a hot place. Poor kid.
The ocean is such a massive, all-encompassing thing, so much expanse and mystery and power involved. Interesting when kids start to understand that, whether they can articulate it or not.
I wonder if a love/hate of the ocean early on means a love/hate of Moby-Dick.
Thanks for your thoughts!
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing, but I thought it would be good to at least try it for a minute, especially because this class has done great things for her in terms of trusting adults and trying new things.
But yeah, in general I don’t try to force her to do [optional] things that scare her. She’s still a baby!!
It would if I sat in it but I bring a chair. No wet sand sitting for me – that is the husband’s job
Ella calls any body of water “the pool” and wants to swim in them all!
Awww, I’m sorry Mazzy had a rough go of it at the beach. When we went to Hilton Head back in April, Lil’ Bit was definitely fearful of the ocean at first. In fact, I think she even said something to the effect of, “It’s too big for me,” just like Mazzy did.
Then we took her over to a little cove on the Sound and let her get her feet wet (literally). She wound up loving it. After that, the ocean wasn’t so scary anymore. In fact, we couldn’t tear her away from it.
That said, we’re getting ready to go back to the beach next week. She says she’s excited, but it’ll be interesting to see if she has to warm up to it again.
It’s funny because after Hilton Head, I essentially wrote this same post, right down to the generational reference, only mine was the exact opposite in that it was all about how much the women in my family love the ocean. We’re just a family of a beach bums. 😉