Mazzy's rough transition to a toddler bed has been well documented. But it seems each time I write about it, it only gets worse. Every night, Mazzy gets more and more demanding, and my husband and I have resorted to any means necessary to appease THE QUEEN.
When exactly my soon-to-be three-year-old daughter started running the show, I'm not sure.
The Queen's nightly bedtime demands include…
1) "Water!!!!!!"
2) "Leave the light on!!!!" (we compromise with the hall light, door open)
3) "More books!!!!!" (she "reads" in the dark)
4) "Fix the blanket!!!!" (god forbid Her Majesty's feet become uncovered)
5) "Mommy, sit there!!!" (her royal highness would like me to sit obediently by her bedside; if I tell her I have to feed Harlow, she says, "Sit there with the baby!!!")
6) "Tell me a story!!!" "Count sheep!!!" "Name the people I love!!!" (this is the "Court Jester" portion of the evening where I must entertain and amuse The Queen until she gets sleepy)
7) "Mommy, check on me!!!!!!"
The last one is her favorite. It started because a commenter suggested check-ins in ten minute intervals. She said her daughter always falls asleep before the second one.
Well, Mazzy operates a little differently. Saying I'll check in on her in ten minutes works brilliantly to get me out of the room. But then, Mazzy screams "Check on me!" before the ten minutes are up. And then after I check on her, she makes me promise to check in on her again. And this cycle continues for the next TWO HOURS.
The other part of our bedtime routine that has devolved into total chaos is THE BOOKS. After I read her three books while sitting in the chair and one more book while she is lying in bed, Mazzy has somehow finagled 5 minutes of "reading by herself" with the lights on. Then, when I come back, she wants a huge stack of books to "read" once the lights are off. When she is done "reading" her books, she asks for more books. And then, when she is done with those, she asks for more.
How many books does she go through a night? Oh, about SEVENTY. All of which, she unceremoniously tosses onto the floor when she is finished, so that in the morning, her room looks like a vandalized library.
The full details of our bedtime routine (yes, there's more) are so long and boring that if I fully outlined them all, I would lose all of you as readers forever. So I will stop here.
The important thing to know is that my sister (aka Dr. B, the school psychologist) came over for dinner Tuesday night and witnessed my parental failures firsthand.
"You gotta nip this in the bud," she said.
"This isn't a bud. It's a full blown flower."
"Well, it's only going to get worse."
She said by continuing to check on Mazzy whenever she demanded it, I was rewarding negative behavior. And that negative reinforcement was probably effecting a lot more than bedtime.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
So, with a professional by my side and Mike out for a work dinner (isn't he always?), I stopped answering Mazzy's demands. The next time she yelled for me to check on her, I yelled back, "No more check-ins! You have to go to bed!" And when Mazzy continued to yell for me, I ignored her outright.
Unfortunately, my daughter is not one to take "silence" for an answer and continued to yell "Mommy, check on me!!!" well after Dr. B left for the evening.
For the next two hours, I sat by myself on the couch as Mazzy continuously screamed "Mommy, check on me!!!" There was crying. There was kicking on the wall. But thankfully, she did not come out of her room.
Finally, she exhausted herself and fell asleep. And I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
But it wasn't over yet…
The tough thing about trying to extinguish a behavior is that once you start, there is no going back. Earlier this evening, I was forced to follow through what I started the night before.
This time, I told Mazzy what was going down beforehand. I said, there would be one check-in after ten minutes and then that was it.
"Why?"
"Because you have to go to bed."
"Why?"
"Because that's the rule."
"Why?"
"Because Mommy says so."
"Why?"
"Goodnight!!!"
During the promised check-in, Mazzy asked me to sit in the chair. I said, no, I love you and walked out.
Mazzy screamed for me to to come back in the room for about an hour. After no response, she switched tactics.
"More books!!!!"
Silence.
"Fix my feet!!!!"
Silence.
"I need water!!!!"
Silence.
Then, she turned to her last resort. She got out of bed and stood in her doorway.
"MOMMY!!!"
Per Dr. B's orders, I walked over, picked her up and plopped her back in bed without a word and with as little eye contact as possible.
"MOMMY, SIT HERE!!!"
I walked back out.
She yelled for about twenty more minutes and then either gave up or passed out.
I have no idea what she will do tomorrow night but I know I will stick with what I've started. It's the only way to DEFEAT THE QUEEN.
In the meantime, I am really looking forward to cuddles with Her Majesty tomorrow morning.
What about the baby? Is she sleeping through all of this?
You’re almost there. Seriously. I lived THIS EXACT HELL with my oldest. It’s torture for a few days, maybe a week. And then it stops. I’m serious. Do. Not. Bend.
It’s kind of amazing, it’s so hard with the first, but with the second it’s like, yell all you want, kid. I got this.
Dr. B is right. Stick with it. It’d take a few days, maybe a week. It’s hard but it’s worth it. SO worth it. Think of the 2 hours you get back!!
Kids are like dogs. Rude? Maybe. The truth? Definitely. They need structure and limits, will always try to push the boundaries when they sense they can – but also respond well to consistent and firm ( but fair) discipline.
Problem? At first it always seems easier to treat them like cats. 😉
Also? If she naps still try to end that ( if you need a nap, put on a tv show then for downtime) and/or make her bedtime later by 1/2 – 1 hour. My preschooler has been awesome at bedtime since she stopped napping – she is just so gosh-darn tired! Key is to hit the magic moment of post-eyerub but pre-tantrum tired ( ’cause THAT ain’t fun). And then on the odd occassion she is bugging me to stay, I just tell her I have to go to the bathroom (what? It works! And I do. Just to a bubble bath with a book and glass of wine, but those are ” need to know” basis details 😉
Hang in there. The Queen must fall. Good luck for the next week. I do really hate the follow through part of parenting but so worth it in the end.
Almost there! Although if it were my house, my husband would suddenly have to take over one night and blow all my hard work in an instant.
Can you see what Dr. B says about bathroom trips? 🙁 That’s the one area where I give Lucas free reign, but he now spends about an hour and a half after bedtime puttering from bed to the bathroom. Not even an eighty-year old has gotta go that much.
Slow & steady wins the race! Stay on your path, you are heading in the right direction.
I just had to chuckle over the books – my 6 yr old is the same way! We always figured she’ll fall asleep when she’s good & tired and reading quietly in her room is OK. It’s just that I’m soooo tired of playing the librarian, restocking the shelves.
You can do it! Your sister is absolutely right. This process should only take a few days and the reward will last a lot longer.
Rebecca’s always been fine with bedtime (naptime, not so much), but she wakes up in the middle of the night like 4-5 times and just CRIES until someone comes in and fixes the blanket (she gets all twisted up), gives her another hug/kiss, or a tissue. And now that she’s potty training, she’ll say she has a “Pee-pee coming” and dawdles on the toilet.
Lately, I actually bribed her to take a nap by promising her a tiny piece of a brownie. And she slept for 2.5 hours!!! I know motivating her with food is a bad, bad thing (especially knowing I’ve had weight/food issues my whole life) but at least it’s positive motivation and she’s getting the rest she needs…
Being a mom is hard 🙁
YOU CAN DO IT—YOU ARE ALMOST THERE! seriously! keep it up. you are doing great. she will learn, but the hardest part is consistency–YOU have to be consistent. which is hard, esp w/ a baby to tend to. she’s got you wrapped around her finger. but once she figures out you’re not biting and there’s nothing she can do, the game she’s playing will cease to be fun.
xoxoxo
I was wondering about the baby too… I’m sensing not a lot of sleeping is going on over there right now?
My daughter is much like Mazzy-strong willed, cute, and SMART! We are fighting over the routine too. It just seems to never end.
I am going through the same thing with my almost 3 year old who luckly does not know he can get out of his crib yet but hubby says he is moving him to a toddler bed when he turns 3…NOOOOOOOOO! But as for now all I hear all night I MOMMA MOMMA I need a drink, I’m Cold, I need to Pee Pee, I want the light on and yes I get up each time because like Mazzy he can go for hours saying it over and over where I am not getting any sleep but if I give in I have an hour or two nap between request. Of course with him being potty trained he has learned to play the Pee Pee card I want to call his bluff but then again I dont want him to start wetting the bed either…double edge sword right there! As everyone tells me each time we go through something new…its just a stage it will end and go onto a much worse stage until one day they move away and you miss all the stages they use to have. Our worst stage right now is whineing! Good luck and stay strong.
Yeah, emmm…no.
I would have thrown myself under an ice cream truck long ago, honey. Lol.
I have zero tolerance when it comes to bed time. I’m a bed time dictator.
Now I live in a one bedroom apartment (awful) and my almost three year old falls asleep on my bed, then I take him to the futon, but when I was living in a 3 room apartment (niiiceee) he had his own room and did pretty much the same, except without all the talking. My son is almost three and doesn’t talk much, but doesn’t deprive him of being THE KING (he says *NO SLEEP, MAMMAAAAAA, NOOOOOOO*)
I just put him to bed, kiss him good night, I love you my sweet darling boy, now you have to SLEEP. Now. I’ll see you tomorrow and dream about doggies and angels. I close the door. End of story. If he cries *No, Joaquin, go to sleep*. I usually have to do that about 1,500 times, but after an hour or so, there’s silence. Oh how I love silence.
I will be done with silence on the 20th of December. Scheduled c-section. Should be fun to see how the bed time routine goes out the damn window. Maybe I’ll follow. Lol. <3
I'm also potty training him, but at night I put him on a diaper, he's not ready to sleep without one yet. So no bathroom breaks in the night, for now.
Something that always rings true to me in these scenarios in my house – ‘we do not negotiate with terrorists.’
Stick with it and do not give in. It will be a blissful bedtime someday and so worth it. My child now says, ‘good night mommy’ and silence.
The 3rd night is when you might start seeing results. Small people take a bit of time to change. I think your sister was right on the money. I feel mean when I do it to our youngest, but it has to be done and in the end you will all be happier. Stick to your guns, Mama!
-@Nic_A_Mill
Oh yeah, like other moms said, whatever you do, DO NOT BEND!! Be strong!! You will succeed!
Someone else already mentioned daytime naps. That is what I was going to say too. If she is still napping, maybe it is time to stop that. Sounds like she isn’t tired at night when it is bedtime. Kids are so smart and they know exactly how to push buttons to get their way. Good luck.
Sleep training toddlers is so frustrating. Right now, the twins will postpone the inevitable with, “I need a hug.”, “I need a kiss.”, “Water.”, “My stuffed animal.”, “Another hug!”, “Another kiss!”
Five or ten minutes of that and then we just shut the door and ignore them until they go to bed. Exhausting.
And then they get up at 5am. Been a rough morning.
Good luck storming the castle! Everyone is right, the key is consistency, and unfortunately it kills the mom, yet the kid will never remember. We’ve had our own struggles with similar things (my now 5yo took over an hour for his bedtime routine, and I am often alone for bedtime too). My breaking point came when my in laws were here and I was fresh out of the hospital with a lovely near death experience, and it took me 2.5 hrs for both bed times. (notice I did not say us?). It was like a less scary episode of “Snapped”, since nobody died.
You’re doing it right! My daughter is 4 and we went through this, they get away with SO much as the only child but when the next one comes you just can’t give them a 2 hour routine. I can’t even remember how many months mine kicked, screamed and cried at the door but once you get firm there is no going back and I can tell you that today, 4 year old is far less demanding. We won, eventually. It also helps to turn all other lights off in the house and disappear into a room where you have the monitor turned down low. Oh and beware of when she learns to turn the light on! She will do that once you’re gone. I’ve had to use the switch box to shut down the lights, but that turns their fan off too – loss of white noise, not good. Anyway, good luck!!!
Did you guys sleep train her as an infant?
Good luck and stay strong. You can totally do this. It doesn’t take forever to establish new habits, really only about a week, and she’ll get it. Remember, if she’s the queen, you’re the Dowager Empress!!!
You GO! Be strong! : you can do it!
Last night I was up from 3:30 to 5:30 with a 17 month old. He’s been doing it for time immemorial. Its hard because the 17 month old can’t tell you what’s wrong, but after a diaper change and rocking and such I figured he was okay. Apparently he wasn’t. I mean, he screamed a LOT. So I rocked him again. And gave him a bottle with milk because I was desperate and it seemed like having his teeth fall out was the lesser of two evils when I compared it to not sleeping. Ha.
Long story short, my husband and I have decided tonight is bootcamp night. It’s not any fun but I wasn’t having any fun when I was up with him right? I’m just saying, hang in there. You aren’t alone.
Keep going, you WILL win in the end!
My husband (who is the worlds’ biggest pushover when it comes to his kids), would constantly go back whenever our daughter demanded his attention, even if it was something she could do herself. I had to banish him downstairs where he couldn’t hear her to break both of them of the habit, but it worked.
Good luck.
You can do it! She’ll demand less and less as you put your foot down more and more. I know because I am very strict at bath / bed time. My boy’s asleep within 15 min. My hubby, who’s a bit more lenient, can spend 45 min trying to get him to bed. So, you can do it! It will get easier! Hopefully Mike will get on the same page too.
I hate limiting bedtime pees too, as cleaning up pee-soaked sheets is a way worse interruption to my evening and her sleep …
(1) try a potty in his room for after bedtime, it cuts out the “fun” of going room to room (worked with a friend to break her son’s habit)
(2) my preschooler tries to get up at least once after being put in bed. If I have her go to the bathroom as last stop before bed, that helped. If she does get up to go, I keep the lights off and don’t interact with her (other than the basics) (not to be mean – just to keep it as “if you gotta go you gotta go, but you don’t need to be entertained while you do”)
Put a basket by the bed, then she or you can place the books in there instead. Less work than reshelving. Can rotate books in basket every few days or week.
I might super duper love you right now! Because I have an almost three year old who insists that we sit with her until she falls asleep and then if she wakes up she tries to climb into bed with us. And if I try to just lay her down without waiting for her to fall asleep she screams and cries (until she throws up) and will repeatedly try to climb into my bed. I’m trying SO hard to curb this too. I wish I could read stories and then tuck her in and say good night…. I feel like it might never happen. You give me hope. I love you.
You’re doing great! Don’t stop! Good luck…
Ugh. Mine, too. Which is why my one-year old still nurses through the night. If my son sees either of us it is all over and the yelling will continue. I *might* be able to ignore him on my own, but not my husband.
My dad ALWAYS says this and I have started to follow suit!
I finally came up with a way to handle all of the “why?” questions my almost 4 year old spews forth regularly. I simple ask, “Why what?” and the process of having to answer MY question both makes him reflect on what he’s asking, and serves to extinguish the stall-tactic why questions.
I have always just lain down or sat with my son (he’s two now) and he holds my hand while he goes to sleep. He takes 5-10 minutes to fall asleep. I don’t have a set bedtime for him, because when he’s tired he’ll let me know. He simply grabs my hand and pulls me towards his bedroom, and he climbs in and we hold hands til he’s asleep. I think its because he knows I will not leave til he’s asleep that he feels happy to go to bed. Its a nice quite cuddly time between the two of us (some nights my husband take a turn as well).
I’m sure some will say there is something wrong with staying with your kid til he’s asleep, but when it only takes 5 or 10 minutes, and it feels like such a nice bonding time after the rush of the day.. why not? I am fully confident that when he is four or 5 he will be able to go to bed comfortably on his own or perhaps with me just hanging around nearby at first. if not, we will have a week of hard bedtimes but for now they are so easy and quick.
And yes, we do have another one year old as well. She either falls asleep by me rocking her in a bouncer a little before or after my son though its easier if she does before.
Yup. We had the same issues with our 3 year old. Now at 3.5 yrs old it has *mostly* worked itself out following the plan you are using. Oddly, the 7.5 year old never had these issues and is the most awesome of sleepers, so we find this particularly frustrating. It’s better now, but some nights can still suck. especially if she is overtired. My biggest thought is, do you close her door at night? I know some people don’t do that, but we have always closed doors in our house for sleeping (in our first house it was to keep the A/C in). So with the door closed, an air purifier to drown out sounds, and lights off (even if she is “reading” in the dark), we have usually managed to have her fall asleep before the first check-in. I usually say, I have to tuck your sister in and I will come back, and by that time she is asleep. Good luck!
I love everything about this whole comment! If you ever move to NOLA I want to be your friend!
Went thru the same thing. I have a 2 and 3 yr old and bed time turned into 2 hours of frustration. Finally got a routine that’s tolerable and much shorter. Sigh…
That is so sweet. Nothing wrong with your baby feeling secure and loved and getting to sleep in 5-10 min.
I have no idea what NOLA is, but true story, I have an aunt named Nola so it make me giggle! Thank you very much for such a sweet comment, but alas, I am a much better internet friend than real life friend. Because I can pause and think and delete internet comments whereas I can’t do that with the ones I come out with in person. So to remain my real life friend, you would probably need to be drunk a lot.
The baby doesn’t seem to be affecting Mazzy’s sleep routine. So far, she is usually asleep when I am putting Mazzy to bed. If Mazzy stays up for an additional two hours, than Harlow will wake up and Mazzy will ask me to “feed the baby” in her room. Which is actually kind of nice and usually the point at which Mazzy finally falls asleep.
I’m pretty sure we need to end the nap. We don’t have her nap on weekends but she still naps during the week. I paid more attention than usual this weekend and realized she goes to bed so much easier when she doesn’t nap. It’s just tough because she gets super crazy at around 3pm if she hasn’t napped. Does that go away eventually?
Mike almost blew it last night. I found him sitting in her room in the chair. “GET OUT!!!!!!” Seriously, I had to throw him out before he ruined everything. And he blamed me for letting it get this far!
I’m pretty sure Dr. B would agree with Kande’s tactic of being as unentertaining and non-interactive as possible. But I will ask her!
We have a huge pile of soft carver books that I give to her at night so she doesn’t destroy the good books by tossing them across the room. Then I just gather them all up and put them on a dedicated “Books Mazzy Tosses” shelf.
If you call it “positive reinforcement” or a “reward” instead of a “bribe”, it sounds like such better parenting.
My sister actually suggested that we make a little treasure chest for Mazzy with things like stickers and dollar toys that she gets to pick one out if she goes to the potty successfully. That way we have a reward that isn’t tied up with food.
Haven’t done it yet though.
Mazzy never tried to get out of her crib at night and was the best sleeper. I would have kept her there forever if we didn’t need the crib for the new baby.
Yeah, that’s what I have been doing for the past few nights and it’s definitely working. Only, if Mazzy cries to check on her, I yell back, “No, you have to go to sleep!” and then I ignore her from that point forward. By the third night, she was yelling for daddy and by the fourth night, she gave up pretty quickly. Fingers crossed for tonight!
Oh pardon me while I pat my smug self on the back – I left a comment detailing how to do this exact type of extinguishing when Mazzy first made the big-girl-bed transition. I hope it’s working out! Now I’d better prepare my smug self for 3am when I will be summoned to my just-turned-5yo’s royal bedchambers to sleep with her for the rest of the night. Did I mention that nightmares become A Thing at about 3.5 yrs? And that they don’t respond to behavior extinction? Le sigh.
Hi! I just discovered your site via…I’m not sure what but anyhoo! I’ve been having fun perusing your posts. I know this is an old one but I wanted to say, as a long time nanny, I am so HAPPY that 1 – you took charge at bedtime and didn’t cave and 2 – you had so much support in the comments! I was fully expecting some “children are free spirits and are meant to dictate their own schedule and they desperately need you 24/7” hippyness feedback but nope! (And I’m now a yoga teacher – I kinda embrace hippyness! But NOT when it comes to children and their need for routine and consistency and GOOD SLEEP HABITS!) I love your writing and sense of humour! You inspire me in my own blogging. Thanks Mommyshorts!
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