About a million years ago, I asked Honest Toddler to grant me an interview. He threw juice on me and then demanded candy. Then a few months later, he had a moment (while in Time Out, no doubt) and wrote back with answers to my questions. I forgot about it (I think I was busy having a baby) and now I've finally dug them out for all to see.
If you've ever wanted to grill your children about their picky eating habits and their piss poor behavior and actually get some answers, you'll appreciate my interview below.
For those few people who are not familiar with Honest Toddler— HE IS YOUR TODDLER. He has a blog. Didn't you know? You can find it here.
For brevity's sake, Honest Toddler will be HT and I will be MS for Mommy Shorts. Yes, I realize that MS normally stands for Multiple Scleroris. Let that be a lesson to check the acronym of your blog name before you purchase your domain.
Ready?
MS: Why the hell won't you eat steak when clearly it's delicious?
HT: Clearly delicious to whom? Food, like gravity, is subjective.
MS: Why do you like to sit pantless on the potty but not actually pee in it?
HT: Because the look of anticipation on your face is so super cute.
MS: What can I do in a restaurant to get you to stay seated?
HT: Put a very small seat under the table. Preferably close to some secondhand gum. Or "gum the remix" as I like to think of it. You just made me hungry.
MS: You are in the pool for a half hour. What's the likelihood you peed in it?
HT: About 100%, why do you ask?
MS: In fifty words or less, help me understand your obsession with Calliou.
HT: I can't stand Caillou as a person but can't stop watching much like adults watch the Kardashians. He is a mess of a child and I know one day those parents will snap. Until then, I will be watching him cry about nothing this afternoon. He kinda reminds me of someone.
MS: How can I get you to listen to me besides offering cookies and candy?
HT: Got any red drink?
MS: How come your favorite food is bananas for months and then all of a sudden you want nothing to do with them? Are you trying to remind me of my high school boyfriend?
HT: Toddlers only eat bananas when they're preparing for battle. In times of peace we eat fruit cups (in heavy syrup, please).
MS: If you could have dinner with any three people/cartoons/muppets in the world, who would they be?
HT: Grover to talk him down from that emotional cliff he seems to be on and help him find another job because he is a terrible waiter. Dora because she seems unsupervised and I like that in a friend. Once Max takes care of his sister, I'd be happy to set up a play date.
MS: What portion of the day do you spend inwardly laughing at the futile efforts of your parents?
HT: 50% of the day laughing inwards, 50% laughing outwardly. I like to mix things up.
MS: WHEN WILL YOU STOP WITH THE WHINING????
HT: Oh you mean my pain song? Never.
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If you have a question for Honest Toddler, please write it below. I can't promise he will answer though. He's very busy.
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Love this – love Honest Todddler. I would like to know why he delights in making a mess – pulling things out of cupboards, ripping things up and the like.
SHUTTUP.
Interview with Honest TOddler.
OMG. You have REACHED IT.
Having Pdub as a judge on your photo contest last year was something something, but HONEST TODDLER?
Day-um.
Haha, “pain song” I’m pretty sure I can’t stop laughing!!! I’m going to continue to laugh when my daughter starts to whine again!!
I love the Honest Toddler.
Pain Song – awesome!
Hilarious. Love.
So Funny! Pain song is where I really started cracking up.
Pain Song. Mommy’s version is counting to 3. Loudly. Checkmate, HT. (Unless you just shit on the sofa, then I guess I’m losing today’s chess match.)
It just makes so much sense. Is that wrong?
Loved this. You both are great.
Dying laughing.
Dear Honest Toddler,
Why do you only draw in Sharpies or poop, and never on all the paper we give you?
What’s with the hating socks and shoes when it’s freezing out thing? Does it have anything to do with your loving to wear fleece-lined rain boots during heat waves?
How can being extra tired make you less likely to sleep? Is there a cure for that?
Kindly,
Kim
If you get another opportunity, will you please ask him why he laughs so hard when I yell, “NO, NO, NO, NO?”
I wish the interview was longer! Very funny stuff!!
Honest Toddler is my favorite to follow on Twitter, no lie.
Two of my favorites combined into one! Excellent.
HT, why do you ask for juice and then scream NO! and knock it from my hand when I try to give it to you?
HT, why won’t you play with the 900 toys in your room while mommy blow dries her hair instead of the piece of fuzz on the bathroom floor?
HT, WHY WON’T YOU KEEP YOUR SHOES ON IN THE CAR??
HT, what do you have against meat products? Have they ever harmed you? Is this a vegan statement you are making about the treatment of animals?
HT, why do you act as if the bed time routine is a new process EVERY SINGLE NIGHT?
Please get back to me at your convenience or when Caillou is over.
My kids are heavy into bananas right now, and I’m not gonna lie. I’m concerned.
Congrats on landing this A-list interview! Who’s next? Suri Cruise?
This made my day – the Caillou references, the laughing at parents. Gold!
HT: What’s with wanting to wear the same clothes everyday? You have a closet and chest of drawers full of new, clean, well-fitting clothes that are awesome. Yet, you want to wear the reindeer shirt that is too small for you and, by the way, Christmas is over.
HT, why does it take you an hour to finish a simple meal alone, but as soon as I sit down with food on my plate you are suddenly all done? Dang it, just made myself hungry.
HT why do you eat for every one else but not mommy and daddy?
HT what is soooo scary about sitting on the potty? you see me do it EVERY TIME I GO?!