Every once in awhile I agree to do a paid post and then when I sit down to write the thing, I'm like— HOW THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS???
A few weeks ago, Cottonelle asked me to be a brand ambassador for their new campaign. I thought, "Well sure, I've used Cottonelle for the past twenty years! Why wouldn't I write a post for them? I can talk about how I'm a big believer in hanging toilet paper over as opposed to under… Or how one of Mazzy's favorite hobbies is to stack the rolls of toilet paper in the middle of the bathroom floor… Or maybe I can do something about the likelihood my husband will change the roll… There's tons of fun stuff to write about toilet paper!"
Then Cottonelle sent me their "Wash Test" which included a 12-pack of Cottonelle toilet paper and two packs of Cottonelle Fresh Care Flushable Wipes. They challenged me to "test my cleaning logic" and describe my "a-ha" moment when using the two-step Cottonelle Care Routine.
Ummm…. okay. So I actually have to write about how I wipe myself after I go to the bathroom? How much are you paying me again???
Cottonelle's philosophy is that nothing can possibly be properly clean without BOTH cloth and water.
Uh-huh. Makes sense. So… what your saying is… all those years I spent wiping my ass (shit, can I say 'ass' in a sponsored Cottonelle post?) with plain old dry toilet paper is… UNBELIEVABLY GROSS??
Yep! Let's write this thing!
Making matters worse, I showed my husband the "Cottonelle Care Routine" and told him we have to use wipes after we go to the bathroom for the next two weeks so that I can write about our experience.
You know what he said to me???
"I already use wipes."
WHAT???!!!! So I'm the only person in this house with AN IMPROPERLY CLEANED ASS???
Excuse me, backside.
God knows, I wouldn't think of wiping my baby or my toddler's backsides with dry toilet paper. In fact, if my recently potty trained three-year-old has an accident, I make her rinse off in the SHOWER, where we don't just use water and a towel, we use SOAP. I wouldn't just run a dry washcloth down her leg, put her in a new pair of pants and send her on her way. That would be DISGUSTING.
And… that's when I realized how much less I shower now that I have two kids.
I'm gonna go with that revelation as my "a-ha" moment, because if Cottonelle thinks I am going to talk about the time I discovered the wipe removed something that the dry toilet paper did not, they've got another thing coming. I will admit to a cleaner and fresher after-potty experience, OKAY?
To drive the point home, Cottonelle made hidden camera videos of people getting everything from their car to their hair washed without water. At the very least, the fact that Cottonelle did a whole campaign on this, let's me know I was not living in MY WORLD OF UNCLEANLY ASS BACKSIDES, alone.
Cottonelle is also currently running a "Test Your Cleaning Logic" contest for a $10,000 bathroom makeover. You can find all the details here. (If only the bathroom makeover was what they asked me to write this post about.)
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This post was sponsored by Cottonelle (obviously) but the thoughts, opinions and bad language are my own.
Oh fuck, this made me laugh!
But yeah…ALL THIS TIME! YEARS!
I won a prize pack that included the wipes. They stayed in our bathroom, still in the plastic wrap, until my daughter got ahold of them and made it snow. When I walked in on her at least she was using one to wipe her face, right?
Why buy pricey wipes when you can just take dry toilet paper and dampen it in the sink…when necessary? Call me practical!
HA, this was a great way to start my Monday morning. And I like you THAT much more because you like the toilet paper over instead of under.
One time my family went through a phase of using Family Cloth. It was awesome. My wife was mortified.
I’m in awe – I can just imagine the look on your face when you sat down to write this. Ha! Beautifully done – you need to hold a session at BlogHer on spinning hilarious sponsored posts. 🙂
Bhahaha, LOVED it. I steal my babies wipes, but I guess I should be using “flushable ones?'”
I had to google “Family Cloth” and I have one word in response to that. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
I’m a little confused at the nonchalant attitude of those at the salon. Especially the gum smacker.
I’m also confused by the sudden need for moist cloths AND toilet paper. I mean, let’s face it, we’ve come a long way from tree bark and loose leaves but I’m pretty content with just TP. And seriously, if you blew shit up THAT bad that you need moist wipes, a shower might be a better idea. Just saying..
You know, I tried wiping my 2 year old son’s poopy butt with regular TP once (ONCE) when he was getting ready for a bath and he had a sneak-a-poop in the diaper. I had my ‘aha’ moment then. And went and got the wipes.
I have these Cottonelle wipes in each bathroom of my home, and have even taken some in baggies with me when I travel. As someone who’s back door was busted by making babies, I can tell you this: nothing feels as good as a Cottenelle wet cloth-wiped posterior. NOTHING.
OMG. Hysterical. I have wipes sitting by the toilet for the girls, but never thought to use it for MOI. Perhaps next time…
Hand to G-d, I once read about a rap star who insists on his ladies using wipes. Otherwise, they are UNCLEAN. For what, I’m not sure.
You know…. I thought “How ridiculous!” until I watched their ad. They may make a point…. huh.
Oh, this is fabulous! Thanks for the laugh and I think you did this sponsored post very well!
Once again, the europeans are ahead of us with their bidets. We’re one entire nation of unclean backsides.
Guess it’s the same idea as cloth diapers but for adults. No thanks for me either!
You know, when thinking about potty training, I also auto think that of course I’m gonna use wipes on his bum! Never thought to use wipes for myself. *huh* Funny that Mike uses wipes though. For me, I wouldn’t use wet wipes because I already generate enough trash with TP. If I were really green, I’d get a bidet I suppose. The family cloth idea above is not for me either.
i’ve totally bought and used the Always cleansing wipes to use on my front side to freshen after that time of the month, but never even THOUGHT about using them for the backside. derp.
Not so much cloth diapers, as cloth wipes. We were using cloth wipes for our infant daughter at the time so we tried it out. It worked out really well for a while. 🙂
Ha! My wife had the same response at first! 🙂
LOL! Hilarious! Thanks for sparing us the details Ilana!
I would totally go all cloth if my husband wasn’t so opposed. I just don’t have the energy to battle him over it though. We are loyal Pampers wipes users in our bathrooms ever since our twins were born 8.5 years ago.
I feel the same way about using hand sanitizer. It is okay in a pinch but I would rather use soap and water. I don’t feel my hands are clean otherwise.
I started reading this with just some morbid curiosity of how you were going to get out of this one, and ended up laughing (as always). Well done! Seriously though, you make me wish we were a culture that accepted a bidet as standard issue. Oh well, when I retire to Paris maybe….
A long time ago I was an UNDER person. Then my sister convinced me that OVER was correct by explaining that’s how they do it in hotels. I’ve been a changed woman ever since. Who am I to challenge the professional and paid cleaning staffs of HOTELS?? They make toilet paper into origami half the time!
I feel the same way about “family cloth” (I also had to google it) as I fo about cloth diapers. I don’t want to throw shit in my washing machine no matter how good that is for the environment. I’m an awful person, I know. I do recycle though!
Awww… thanks. That means so much to me. I hope Cottonelle appreciated it— haven’t heard back from them yet!
But… who’s got time for an extra shower??? I’ve been taking them after midnight to avoid being late for work!
TMI, Kim at Let Me Start By saying, TMI. And that’s saying something from the woman who just wrote an ass-wiping post.
Obviously, Cottonelle should pay that unknown rap star to be their next spokesperson. He’d sell the SHIT out of those things! PUN INTENDED.
I am not a fan of hand sanitizer either. For one, it’s not good for people dry hands like myself. And two, where do the germs go exactly??
Look at this way, from one woman who uses too much toilet paper to another— wouldn’t wipes make you use less of the dry stuff?
I cloth diapered for a while when I only had one lot of diapers to do and it wasn’t that bad. The soft paper lining catches all the gross which you then flush in the toilet so it doesn’t get in your machine too much. Far less disgusting than now when precious girl is distracted and soils her favourite Peppa Pig underwear during potty training (child 1 got the going in the toilet idea so much quicker than child 2). Having said that my lofty aspirations of saving the planet and my wallet didn’t last long so I totally get your point!
Family cloth though? Not for us either.
Having kids, and thus having baby wipes constantly at the ready, has been a welcome change in the hygiene department. Because I might not be able to take a shower everyday like I used to, the wipes are a godsend. I will never go without again.
And while I want to be as fresh as possible, I do not also want to smell like a baby (I’m already a stay at home dad, I don’t need any more emasculation), I go with Target brand unscented.
Thats one way of thinking about it. Are wipes flushable? If not, doesnt that make for a stinky bathroom? So, youve converted then ;).
If Andrew WK can move Playtex wipes, then I fully support this type of endorsement. Although I will warn the Cottonelle peeps that I think that is was P. Diddy. Ca-ching! $$$
We’ve been keeping wipes on the toilet tank for wiping Kid 1 after her #2s. I take advantage of their proximity and use them as well – just these last couple of months it occurred to me.
My boyfriend is even better- after he makes a poo he sits on the edge of the bath and shower his ass. Seriously, every time. He wipes it when he’s outside the house, but wipes it with both dry and wet. He’s 30.
But then he pees to the sink. Every damn time!
Informative blog . this blog gives me a lot of knowledge.
So informative. So funny. Not gonna think about it too much or I’m gonna be so disturbed. 🙂 Ellen
See, but under is more practical in homes with kids and/or pets. If they want to play with the roll they are more likely to roll it in a downward motion than to roll up. Ergo if you hang it under it is less likely that you will walk into the washroom to find an entire roll unraveled on the floor. “Under” is a rule in my house.