Awhile back Rants from Mommyland and I teamed up to do "First World Problems: Mommy Edition". Now, the hilarious ladies are back with the trials and tribulations of their privileged preschoolers. It's a tough job going to gymnastics class inbetween all those episodes of Team Umizoomi!
Normally, I do a big set-up for guest bloggers but today, I'm just handing over the reins. I think the women who bested me in every mom blogging awards competition I've ever been in, can do just fine on their own.
I say this with the utmost love, respect, admiration and PURE UNFILTERED JEALOUSY.
Here they are!
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Hieeeee and waving! Guru Louise here, visiting from Mommyland. I’m
a big, huge, gigantic Mommy Shorts fan so I’m pretty excited to be here. I want
to move into the apartment above Ilana’s and exchange parenting tips as our
preschoolers play and hilarity ensues. It would be like a really awesome
sitcom!
It’s not creepy that I just said all that, right? (Note from Ilana: Yes, please! Move in the apartment above mine! Can you put an end to the constant need to drill holes in the floor boards during nap time??)
I’m here today because a couple weeks ago I wrote about my four
year-old’s first world problems. Things like: her crayons all broke, and
she is expected to share the iPad with her little brother, and other various
injustices.
Lydia and I asked our readers what first world problems their
preschoolers have and holy crap, you guys, the responses were hilarious. We
waded through a couple hundred and selected the following as our favorites.
Check out that awesome graphic!
I suggest you print it out and hang it on your fridge so you can remind
yourself that it’s not just your kid.
xoxox
Guru Louise
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Alright, Mommy Shorts back now. Preschool versions of first world problems are just too fun to pass up. Anyone mind if I write a few for Mazzy? Guru Louise? (She says it's fine.)
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS: MAZZY EDITION
1. I have four blankies and all of them are in the washing machine.
2. My mom's making me eat lunch in the car on my way to the Hamptons which means IT'S COLD and there is no way to warm it up in the microwave.
3. My FurReal Friends Dog
4. My mom told me I had to stop watching shows on the iPad and play an iPad game instead.
5. My Winnie the Pooh cup is in the dishwasher and I refuse to drink my morning smoothie out of anything else.
6. I have over 100 books but I am not in the mood for any of them.
7. Netflix wasn't working so I had to watch regular television which is interrupted by something called COMMERCIALS.
8. There were twelve kids at my friend's birthday party but only four kids were allowed in the bouncy castle at one time.
9. MY CROWN WON'T STAY ON MY HEAD!!!!!!!
10. My mother keeps trying to make me eat things that aren't bagels.
Okay— your turn!
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That random person on the street I yelled “Hi” to didn’t even stop to tell me how cute I am.
Mommy says I’m only allowed to eat off of her plate (you know, or my own, lol) when we are out to dinner.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE EASTER BUNNY ISN’T COMING BACK AGAIN TONIGHT? I WANT MORE CANDY!
BUT I WANTED AN ORANGE ICE POP!
On Easter, after digging through a gaggle of baskets stuffed with toys and candy big enough to shame Santa: “where are the rest of the presents???”
“But I don’t want do wear my bwue, splarkly pawty shoes, I want do wear my owange, flower pawty shoes!!!!
Mariah: I may have been down the hall, in my room, with the door closed, playing with my tea set & barbies, but how could you start the dishwasher without me? I WANTED TO PUSH THAT BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!
I want to wear my BLUE shirt, not THAT blue shirt.
Mommy has to shower although I want to snuggle for 60 MORE minutes… so I’m going to scream the entire time, even though Daddy is available for snuggles.
What do you mean I can’t wear my sparkly purple tutu and glitter flats to soccer practice?! I can’t PLAY soccer if i’m not a princess!!
What do you mean I can’t wear my sparkly purple tutu and glitter flats to soccer practice?! I can’t PLAY soccer if i’m not a princess!! (insert throwing body onto floor here)
Every time I give in to Mazzy and give her something special (a cookie, a present, etc.) she ends up asking for another one. It’s like nothing ends until there are tears, whether I say yes right off the bat or three chocolate eggs later.
OH, what I would do for a child who insisted on snuggles. The girl won’t even give me a kiss goodbye when I go to work.
At the drive-thru Mom gave me apple slices instead of nuggets WTF??
My food can’t touch other food or else it gets dirty.
I have to go potty but when I get there my butts not working.
I can’t wear pants I have a boo boo on my knee.
But I want to watch the show with the red bunny in it that I watched yesterday!! IT’S MY FAVORITE!! :::scrolling through the DVR LIST:::: is that it? NO. is that it?? NO. is that it?!! NOOOOO …massive meltdown ensues…. we end up watching 45 minutes and the beginnings of 15 different shows until I hear THAT’S IT!!
Yesterday I liked blueberries but today I don’t – how is that so difficult fo you to understand?
You put the wrong song on whilst in the car – I want baa baa black sheep not Old MacDonald (cue screaming and stomping feet)It’s too late to swap it over now though – you’ve already pissed me off!
Well I thought I wanted to watch Happy Feet but wited till you’d loaded the DVD and changed the channel to decide that actually Peppa Pig would be better. Well go on then…CHANGE IT NOW!!!
One night a week – once out of seven! – my Mom has the audacity to not be home to put me to bed. Better yet, some mornings when she is having a shower, she tries to see if DADDY can get me up in the morning!
I’m like please bitch – why did you even bother having kids when you are clearly neglectful and hate spending time with us?
I can unfortunately join part of that club – my 3 year old is good with snuggles but she “doesn’t like kisses! No kisses!!!!”. On the other hand – who knew kisses would be good threats to use on occasion “Oh, you won’t learn how to do up your coat? OK! But every time I zipper it up, I get to kiss you!” “NOOOOOO!!!!” And independence begins 😉
Sister got hurt and is sobbing but I *hate* listening to her cry, so I’m going to stomp my feet and glare at her until she stops.
Mom asked me to fold the washcloths after she did the rest of the 14 loads of laundry. Are you F-ING KIDDING ME???
I have 400 animals in my bed and there isn’t room for me, but there is NO WAY I’m removing any of them.
Mom is sweeping and asked me not to step in her dirt pile. This is *clearly* the worst injustice of my life!
Today mom tried to fasten my seatbelt and I flipped on her bc DUH, I wanted to do it myself. Tomorrow she will probably pause to let me do it, and I will flip again, because obviously I will want her to do it that time. Geez, this woman is dumb.
“Mama put on the song they played at the amusement park at the beach” (a year ago)..(I was brave to ask for more information). Screaming the exact same information…then goes, “it has do do lah in it”. Yeah sure…I know THAT song!
My nephew came over with his gf & her 2 kids. Isabella plays with them for an hour. She cries really hard when they leave, “I WANT MY BEST FRIENDS BACK. I MISS THEM!”. Calms for a second to ask “what are their names?”
I can too wear my roller skates on my scooter!
Totally printing out this list so I don’t start raging when my kids say, “We asked for dessert, not a graham cracker.” or “I only prefer the cherry flavor yokids yogurt in the squeeze packs.
Oh I can totally relate to my food can’t touch other food…
Each food in a separate plate and with a different fork/spoon of course.
my four year old is devastated because he has been watching Blue’s Clues on Netflix and STEVE WENT TO COLLEGE. “It makes me wery sad momma. I almost cwied when Steve left because I wuv him.”
Stupid blues clues.
What do you mean there are only 5 episodes with Joe in them on Netflix?! I love Joe. We can only watch Blues Clues with Joe. MOMMY I JUST STARTED BLUES CLUES AND STEVE IS BACK!! I NEED MORE JOE’S BLUES CLUES!!!
My mommy gets tired of Ring Around the Rosie after just 32 games of it! What a wimp!
Some of these sound like my husband…. they really are just toddlers in adult bodies.
Hmmm. In our house that could be a First World Mommy problem too. Because I too wuv Steve waaaaayyyy more than Joe. It was a sad sad day when he got replaced.
At her first Lacrosse practice that she so desperately wanted to play…..”Those boys knocked me down and laid on me!!!” six year old granddaughter said, shocked to the core.
Mommy took away my power wheels fire truck after my incessant pushing of the siren button made the dog crazy. How dare she?
My six-year-old will still occasionally melt down over:
Tackler: You did two cuts on my sandwich! I wanted ONE (or none) CUT!!!
Lil Diva: You know I don’t eat any bread that has crust touching it. (insert meltdown until fixed)
My mom didn’t put socks on my feet! She knows I want to take them off in two minutes. Must lay on the ground and cry for hours.
I love the one about asking for a cookie and getting a vanilla wafer, and also the “I wanted to push the elevator button.” My son does that all the time with the garage door opener. I like Mazzy’s “have to play a game in iPad now instead of just watching a show on it” or the one about commercials. Ha ha! My toddler’s first world problem is “I want to wear THE soft pants today” as if any of his pants are made of sandpaper. Sorry kid, you have to wear cotton instead of fleece today.
* I have to do EVERYTHING myself. Except for wiping my own butt, of course.
* I want grapes for breakfast. Wait a second, why are you giving me grapes? WHO IN GOD’S NAME WOULD GIVE ME GRAPES??
* MY WORLD WILL COME TO AN END IF I DO NOT GET THE PURPLE CUP!
* The cat won’t let me grab her tail. WTF, cat?
* Whichever parent isn’t around is the one that must be there. IMMEDIATELY.
* Mommy, I want you to play with me. No, stop, that doesn’t go there. NOOOOO!
… and those are just the ones that came to me 5 min before picking up my diva from pre-school 🙂
We had to put our little Lizzy in Jelly Bean detox because she ONLY ate Jelly Beans from Saturday afternoon to Monday Moring. (she had 3 Easter Baskets from us, and her grandparents) and when she got home from school on Monday and the Easter stuff was MIA she had an EPIC meltdown!
“You think this rubber duck is fun? I just want a ball that I can throw at your head.”
“You’re brushing my hair the wrong way!”
“Oh, doors have the option to close? I thought it was normal to watch you pee.”
“I had to stop playing Angry Birds on Mommy’s phone because the school called to tell her my sister threw up and had to be picked up.”
I lost it in Target because I just found out that they make “Cars” vitamins and screamed until my mom bought them for me (not that I would let the cashier scan it). I insisted on carrying a ginormous bottle around with us on all our errands for the rest of the day. Then I pitched a fit because she would only let me have ONE vitamin. THEN, she took all the vitamins OUT OF THE BOTTLE SO THAT I CAN’T HELP MYSELF TO MORE VITAMINS. The appeal of that bottle is completely wrecked.
To contextualize my kids’ first world problems, I must tell you we live in Munich.
My baby boy´s problems:
When I yell CAR I expect mommy to bring me a specific one I am thinking about in my head, from the 50 or so I have in my toy chest.
My preschooler´s problems:
My playroom already has an indoor swing so mommy says I can´t have a slide because there´s not enough space!
I tell mommy at least once a month to write “real pony” and “real helicopter” on the shopping list and the woman always forgets to buy them for me!
My custom made ice skates don´t light up!
We´re spending the summer in Italy, AGAIN?!
In addendum:
I left the empty vitamin bottle on the floor. Daddy THREW IT OUT (because, even if it had Lightening McQueen on it, why would we keep an empty vitamin bottle?). Now I’m not going to sleep for four hours because I’m in mourning.
I peed on the floor and screamed for 1/2 hour because some pee splashed up and got my foot wet. Noah, age 3.
What do you mean my pants won’t go any higher? they are barely touching my rib cage!
Don’t expect me to wear shoes that fit. You know the only comfortable ones are my brothers shoes that are four sizes to big, and yes, I AM wearing them to school!
My mommy keeps trying to make me eat stuff that isn’t corn…WTH is wrong with her!
I want to watch Scooby Doo! No, not that Scooby Doo the other Scooby Doo. Again, not the right Scooby Doo! Sorry, the DVD is missing you have 12 other epidsodes to choose from pick one, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! and the crying commences.
Or our other toddler first world problem the XBox died and took Netflix with it leaving him to ONLY be able to watch it on the iPad — but, I want it on the BIG TV!
My 16 month old:
– You want to watch something on TV that isn’t Toopy and Binoo?!?!?!? WORST MOMMY EVER – cue throwing back of head and hands over her eyes and wailing.(Canadian kid’s cartoon that verges on making mommy homicidal)
– A hard boiled egg for breakfast?! Are you trying to kill me? Wait – what are you doing? HOW DARE you eat my egg petty servant! It’s practically my favourite!
– there is 1 square inch of room left in my tub where there isn’t a toy. Why is there not a toy for that spot? You’re a real slacker Mommy.
Whyyyyyy do I have to wash my hands after going to the bathroom?!?? I just washed them yesterday!!
What do you mean I can’t climb up the walls? I AM SPIDERMAN!! That’s what I do!!!!
Mommy yells at me when I lick people, but she doesn’t ever scold the dog for doing it! No fair!
Mom says she can’t replay the song on the radio… she also says she can’t skip the radio commercials… I think she is lying.
Good thing I don’t have kids so I can spend my money on an RTL-SDR dongle and replay any song on the radio…
Here’s my kids:
1. When Daddy is working, and Mommy has to put my socks on. I only like it when Daddy is putting on my socks
2. In prechool you don’t watch T.V? WTF!
3. My hot cocoa doesn’t marshmellows shaped like sheep! I’ll just keep on screaming until I get the right ones.
4. I don’t know how much time fifteen minutes is, but I don’t care. I’ll just keep on pulling out all the shoes in the cupboard, and be late for school.
5. The dentist can bribe me all he wants, but I still won’t open my mouth.
6. The closest candy store is two and a half hour away, but I’ll make you drive there on a Sunday night. I’ll cry until you finally give up and take me there.
7. You buy me fancy clothes, but I refuse to wear them at the next occasion. I prefer the overalls with the whole in the knee.
8. I won’t eat tomatoes but if you call them dessert, I’ll gobble them up.
9. I love ownership. If Daddy touches my sunglasses, I yell “Mine” and if Daddy tries to move Mommy’s blanket off of the couch I yell “MOMMY’S!” This wrecks havoc on my family when they pick something up.
10. My sour grapes must be cut into halves. What? THEY’RE NOT SOUR? Go get me sour ones instead!
11. I have six older sisters, I’ll never stop being spoiled, I’m the youngest and my parents aren’t even considering popping out #8.
1. The old Elmo socks with the hole in them are perfectly fine. Give me the new socks to wear to preschool, and I’ll cry like I lost my best friend.
2. I want to hear your best voice impression of Bino, from Toopy and Bino, even though he doesn’t talk! WTF, you can’t do it?
3. I don’t have to use the bathroom! But soon as I’m in the car, I’ll wriggle around and do my pee-pee dance.
4. What? My 11 year old sister’s socks fit me just fine. Even though my toes are in where my sister’s heel always is.
5. I’ll scream bloody murder when you drop me off at preschool, but I’ll scream bloody murder again when you come and pick me up.
6. Grandma’s grilled cheese is my favorite thing to eat, because I purposely eat it when you do drop me off and pick me up visit. Why? So I can puke in your car and make you spend 150 on cleaning of the carseat and shampooing your car.
7. Can you buy the cookies with filling in the middle? I’ll protest your thoughts and say that I like them at the grocery store, but at home they’ll be the yuckiest thing ever.