On Saturday, Mike, Mazzy, Harlow and I went to the Bar Mitzvah of our 13-year-old cousin. You would think this would be the kind of event where nightmares are made (kind of like my experience taking a toddler to a wedding), but surprisingly, it was a pretty pleasant day.
Mazzy was a tad under the weather and not quite herself, which while a little sad, also meant she wasn't running around like a chicken on crack, eating bread rolls that fell on the floor, wiping pigs in the blanket grease on my dress and darting for the kitchen whenever she saw the swinging door open.
Instead, she chose to play by herself in the floor-to-ceiling curtains, dance to slow songs with Daddy and stay close to mom. I think she was somewhat intimidated by the mass of thirteen-year-olds on the dance floor and knew, just as the adults did, when the Harlem Shake is playing, it is our job to stand back and watch.
Put plainly, Mazzy getting over a head cold enabled me to pretend I was raising a well-behaved child.
Harlow, who is usually quite the Momma's Girl, seemed so entranced by the change of surroundings, the loud music and the colorful balloon centerpieces that she allowed herself to be passed around like a football the entire day with barely a peep.
The entire affair took place at a golf club which meant I could pump in the ladies locker room and feed Harlow a bottle, since it was totally impossible to breastfeed in the dress I was wearing.
My dress, incidentally, was chosen by Mazzy, so it was pink just like hers. This was the first time the two of us have ever coordinated and while I usually find people who do such things BEYOND LAME, I found myself reveling in the obvious bond between us and thought us to be rather adorable.
Things are always lame until you participate in them yourself, you know?
Actually, the real story here is the pride I felt for my little family of four on Saturday.
Lately, I have felt inundated with news stories about how moms can't have it all and how most parents aren't happy and how having children destroys your dreams. Getting adjusted to having two kids has not helped matters in that Mike and I have openly recognized that THIS SHIT AIN'T EASY. We've wondered if becoming parents is worth it, if we'll ever do the things we love again (like traveling or eating out in a leisurely fashion) or remember what it was exactly that brought us together before our kids bonded us for life. We've talked about the impact on our careers and the challenges we face with deciding where to live as it seems to rest solely on where we want to send our kids to school. We've lied awake at night thinking about the financial impact having two children has on our lifestyle. We've gone through days where we barely retain our sanity because Mazzy is sick and Harlow won't nap and all we want to do is ditch the two of them and see a movie by ourselves.
Don't get me wrong— we count our blessings too. We love our children fiercely and unconditionally. But parenting is no picnic. I understand the decision to not have kids way more now that I have kids.
This Saturday, I felt differently. I walked into the temple holding my adorable baby in my arms while Mike held hands with our stunningly beautiful daughter. Usually when I am going somewhere with the kids I am wearing something I don't mind getting ruined, but on Saturday, I was wearing a brand new dress that I felt great in.
The little thirteen-year-olds girls turned to look at us and made silent "awwww…" faces as they took us in. In that moment, we were not the parents who negotiated breakfast like a nuclear peace talk earlier that morning or wrestled our daughter to the floor to take medicine for her ear infection.
We were the perfect family.
Living in Manhattan, I often feel like the twenty-something NYU students that pass my stroller in the street and the girls in six inch heels sitting on stools at the bars of restaurants I can no longer eat it in, look down on the traditional path I have chosen for myself.
It was nice to remember that at thirteen, in addition to the high powered career and the Barbie Mansion with a pool and tennis court, having a husband and two daughters was exactly what I wanted.
Although the career thing is still a work a progress and the mansion will probably never happen, it feels great to remember that one of my dreams came true.
If I could turn back time and make my life decisions all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
I SO appreciate your honesty. So many times I hear “Savor every moment! Enjoy every single moment, they grow up so fast!” when I’m talking about how my 13 month old still doesn’t sleep through the night, throws epic fits when I clip his nails and often has full on nuclear meltdowns in Target that can only be nipped in the bud by exiting the store. Really? Savor this moment? I want to FORGET this moment, not put it in the baby book. Sometimes I miss being able to go where I want, do what I want, and go out for drinks and a movie. But at the end of the day, my family is my world and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Your family is beautiful!
Now you’ve gone and made me cry. What a beautiful post and love letter to your family. Thank you for being so honest about what’s hard about having children, and saying so beautifully what’s great about it.
p.s. You guys looked rather adorable indeed.
How sweet. I’m pretty chuffed that I got the two daughters I’d always imagined and dreamed too. As for the rest of my 13-year-old fantasies, I’m still waiting… but that’s probably not such a bad thing.
Awwwww. I know what you mean everyday I am like why is this parenting thing so hard but like you I would not change a thing!
Aww, exactly. I love this.
That was beautifully written! I think we all go through that same emotions and thoughts, but don’t share often enough!! We need to share more of our highs AND lows to see the light! My career is up in the air right now and some of the younger workers (aka late twenties / early thirties) are shocked that I’m not freaking out. This is only a small bump in my career, one that few will even remember in a couple of years, but I will remember all the memories I get to create with my toddler!
I can relate one hundred percent and then some. On days like today, especially…
My four year old is being…well, FOUR, my seven year old is tired and being a typical boy (in and of itself, not a problem, but when squashed between two sisters this is a total nightmare) and Miss Ten insists that today is the day the tween phase really kicks in and MUST negotiate every little decision. Head exploding stuff. AND it’s school holidays.
Where I can relate is that we all went out this afternoon and bumped into a friend I haven’t seen for a while. They were beautiful! They smiled, said hello, engaged in conversation and were everything I’ve hoped they’d be in all the challenging moments.
I came to realise that the screechy, rushed mornings, the tantrums, the “Mummy’s head is going to explode” moments – they happen at home because our kids feel safe finding their voices at home. They feel safe, trying on new personas and new attitudes, at home. They feel safe falling to pieces at home too, because they’re secure in their belief that we will pick them up. They know that, regardless of their behaviour, they are loved insanely.
The ‘bad’ stuff is just the messy dress rehearsal for the stage of life.
I was so proud that, when the curtains raised today on this LIFE stage, my little players intuitively found their true selves and confidently stepped forward. Yep, screaming, tantrums and flung toys included – I have a pretty damn special family <3
Thanks for this beautiful post, Ilana. You made me get all mushy!
PS - That picture of Mazzy at the curtain - breathtaking.
This is amazing.. I was having this exact thought this morning. Going through all of the struggles of being a young mom and doing it all on my own, this weekend gave me such a sense of satisfactory and love.
This whole weekend was one of those moments where all of the hard work seems well worth it.
Iliana, you have just, very eloquently, described how I feel about my family at the moment. I may live in a bombsite and look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backward most of the time buts those times (however few and far between they may be) when we all manage to be in the same place at the same time and no one is in a mood with anyone else, I am so proud that we managed to make this mini family and keep it together to enjoy these moments. Thanks for being so honest x
How very sweet, Ilana! Parenting sure is hard in many ways, but you’re right, the blessings are far many.
this post brought tears of happiness to my eyes! you have a beautiful family
Ditto. I was at a wedding this weekend. And although my 7 yr old was acting like a stick in the mud and my 2 yr old was one of the kids running in circles on the dance floor, it did feel good to be the cute family of four. Family had not met 2yo and not seen us in a while. Guess all looked good thru their eyes. I am very blessed, even though i question taking my urban princess on another trip.
I absolutely love this post!
Wonderful! For all the struggles which assault us daily, life is pretty darn good! So great to step back and remember that from time to time.
My 3yo nearly burst my eardrums this morning because she saw a bug (????), and I’m so uncomfortable being pregnant, achey, sleepless, etc. that I truly question what I’m doing, you know, procreating again and all. But I always wanted that family of 4, and hopefully despite the difficulties I know I’m going to face, it’ll be worth it
Thanks for a well written post about the reality of being parents and loving all that comes with!
I’ll be an echo and say thank you for this post! It is odd how even if you’re enjoying parenthood you almost feel guilty being proud of your family or for feeling like you are handling things okay because we are constantly surrounded by people (especially fellow females) who are non-stop talking about how hard it is. And it is odd what perspective 13 year old girls can give you. I run a music program that has a chorus for 12-18 year old girls, and I always feel most proud of my daughter and family when the girls kind of seem in awe of me when I show up with my 3 year old. And I remember what it was like to be them – thinking moms who were “doing it all” were so cool. We should treat each other that way sometimes too.
Wow thanks for this. Definitely made me cry. It’s so true I having a 3 year old and 9 month old am still adjusting and although I never wonder if this was for me I sometimes feel consumed with them and will I ever have time for anything. Until this weekend my daughter said ma ma you are amazing. I could cry just repeating it. That’s all that matters! I also always think there’s always retirement when I can travel and enjoy time w my husband lol
I read your blog everyday and don’t usually comment. But this one really hit home and made me teary so I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Somedays having the connection of knowing that other moms out there “get” how difficult and wonderful and heartbreaking and joy-filled this mommy-working-living thing can be is the only thing between me and a complete meltdown. So, thank you. And so very glad you had that moment of “my dreams came true.” We all need those!
You’ve both nailed the thoughts I think so many of us have, but can’t voice out loud. Life is hard, and sometimes I want to to be able to do things I did when we didn’t have kids. But I wouldn’t be the person I am today without my boys. They are why I get out of bed each morning and do the morning scramble while trying not to lose my schmidt. Then they behave admirably in public and I get the feeling that I may have this parent hood thing down (until bed time, but I’ll take my moments). You’ve both expressed it beautifully, thanks.
What a beautiful post! And you and Mazzy look amazing in that picture, and Harlow is adorable as always. 🙂
I often feel intimidated when someone I’m doing freelance for doesn’t have kids, while I’m trying to talk to them on the phone and muffle the daycare like sounds on my end. But I can say that now that the twins are 5 and the youngest is 3, we are finally starting to get our footing back and do more things that we love. Date night still eludes us, since we don’t have family in town and have never hired a sitter, but it helps that I don’t feel quite so guilty ditching my husband to go out with my friends.
Ilana, thank you so much for sharing this. As we await the arrival of baby #2 AKA Little Dude (with a 3 year old daughter already) in just a few short months, I have been feeling lately completely overwhelmed at the prospect of introducing a new little person into the semblance of a life we have gone back to as our daughter has grown. I am not a mother, and I don’t think I ever will be one, who doesn’t spend time thinking about these things – what might have been, how frustrating being a parent can be sometimes, missing the “old days” when things were simpler. And yet, I know that when I think of what I want my family to look like ten, twenty years from now it is with this child – these children – and my dear husband and partner. I can’t imagine an alternative. I suppose it goes back to what my mom always said, that nothing worthwhile in life is ever easy (ok, except maybe eating an ice cream cone). Thank you for sharing the reality that I have experienced and for giving me hope that even though I know there will be hard days ahead, there will be many days, moments like the one you describe as well.
You all look so pretty! I know how you feel. Having a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old is indiscribable but you said it very well.
Candid honesty. Thanks for posting:) Love your outfits by the way.
I’m with you, Charlene.
I appreciate your honesty. I don’t have kids and I can’t even imagine how hard and exhausting it is. It seems so many people try to glamorize every element of it, and I know that just isn’t true.
Granted, I understand parents love their kids and wouldn’t want to live a day without them. I totally get that. But I also know there must be times of exhaustion and irritation. I appreciate you admitting that. It doesn’t make you any less of a mom, and it doesn’t make you love your kids less.
And your dress is adorable. 🙂
This is such a sweet post. Pull it out on days you are looking for a passing gypsy family to sell one of them to. It’s true, not all moments are perfect, but you have to look up sometimes and see what you DO have, and try and enjoy the moment. We are all in the same boat, and have the same feelings. It’s really hard to sacrifice yourself and your identity in order to become Mommy. But at the end of the day, none of us would change a thing, and it helps, during the dark days, to see that someone who seems to have it all together feels exactly the same way. You write this beautifully
And as far as the matching…go for it. In my “herd” I look on it as crowd control. That way, if you’re wearing the color of the day, I can tell you belong to me. Tourist groups do it, so why not us?
This made me cry. It ain’t easy, but it’s still such an amazing, beautiful privilege.
I’m always so very aware when we’re out in public that we’re a young family, in our prime, with two gorgeous little boys, and that we command attention because of that. That won’t always be the case, but I recognize and appreciate it now, fully realizing how lucky I am, and how one day, I will be the person standing back and admiring/pitying/envying young families from afar.
I hope you were also wearing striped leggings.
I think the thing that keeps me from those encounters with students and high heels is that in our beautiful little ‘burb, we don’t encounter them much. I wrote about going to Boston for the weekend and being slapped in the back of the head with all of it, but insulated here in our neighborhood, raising kids and getting old with good friends, at least that part of things doesn’t harsh the joy.
I love this. These are the moments that get us through the vomit nights and days that never seem to end.
You and your family are gorgeous!
Such a sweet post. Thanks for sharing.
Love this post! We are now a “new” family of 4 with 2 girls also! What you explained so eloquently is EXACTLY how I feel! Now, I need to find a dress I feel incredible in, for my 2nd daughters upcoming christening! Hopefully someone will look @ us as the “perfect” family too!
Beautiful post