Baby crying analyzers are in the news due to a new tool that could possibly help detect serious health issues in newborns. If it works, that could be great news for ailments where early detection is key to treatment.
But baby crying analyzers are nothing new. The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer
Well, that all sounds well and good, but what am I supposed to do if my baby is "stressed"? Tell her to work it out in a kick boxing class? What about "annoyed"? Tell my mother to stop calling her? I don't think these options are nearly specific enough.
Show me an analyzer that can detect the reasons for crying below and we'll talk. Here are the top 21 reasons my baby cries that the analyzer is missing:
1. Oh My God! A stranger is holding me! A stranger is holding me! A stranger is holding me! What's that you say? It's my own father? Oh. My bad.
2. I'm hungry but that doesn't mean you can just stick a bottle in my face. SHOW ME SOME BOOBIES!!!
3. I'm hungry but that doesn't mean you can just stick a boob in face. Especially when I've grown accustomed to those amazingly taut bottle nipples while you're at work!
4. Tummy time really blows.
5. STOP PUTTING ME IN THIS CRADLING POSITION. I KNOW THAT MEANS YOU ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO FALL ASLEEP.
6. What the fuck is this mashed veggie bullshit??? I SEE YOU EATING BACON ON A BISCUIT OVER THERE!!!
7. Uh-oh. I've stood up and I can't lie down!
8. She's leaving the room. She's leaving the room. She's leaving the room. GASP. She left. SHE'S NEVER COMING BAAAAAAAAAAACCCK!!!!!!!!!! Oh. She's back. Phew.
9. That BITCH keeps stealing my toys and claiming they were HERS before I got here. WTF? Like there was life before I got here?! Pfffffft.
10. Why do you insist on removing the carpet lint every time I successfully get it into my mouth??? All my hard work for NOTHING!
11. That draining sound is TERRIFYING.
12. I HATE THE CARSEAT! I HATE THE CARSEAT! I HATE THE CARSEAT! I HATE THE CARSEAT!
13. You know what's worse than the carseat? Being in the carseat and then THE CAR STOPPING. Is it a red light? Traffic? Road construction? I CAN'T HANDLE BEING IN A CAR AND NOT MOVING AT THE SAME TIME!!!
14. Hear that sound? That's the sound of my pacifier falling through the crib slats AGAIN.
15. This is what you get for taking me to a restaurant with only a small plastic baggie full of Puffs that I finished in .02 seconds.
16. Don't you GET IT??? Life is so much better when YOU'RE HOLDING ME!!!!
17. Oh no. You're not going to like this but— IT'S. UP. THE. BACK.
18. NOT THE SUNSCREEN AGAIN!!!!! Didn't I just put that on yesterday???
19. What is that horrible noise??? Turn it off! Turn it off!! Turn it off!!! Is that adult music?? Well, adult music sucks! It's got no farm animal sounds whatsoever!
20. You gave me that blankie and now you're saying IT'S IN THE WASH??? Now that's just CRUEL.
21. NOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING FOR YOURSEEEEEELLLLFFFF!!!!!!!!!!
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What cries do you think the analyzer is missing?
This chin strap is preventing me from removing my hat!!!!take it off! Take it off!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT PICKING IT UP?! I dropped my binkie/spoon/toy/bowl for the 97th time. GET IT! GET IT! GET IT!
8. She’s leaving the room. She’s leaving the room. She’s leaving the room. GASP. She left. SHE’S NEVER COMING BAAAAAAAAAAACCCK!!!!!!!!!! Oh. She’s back. Phew. <-- Story of my life. It's still missing.. 1. You're going to the bathroom? Without me! How dare you. 2. You tell me NO? I'll show you NO! WAHHHHHHHHHH 3. Bath water is touching me. OMG. OMG. I'm CLEAN. EWWWWWWW (for the mothers with boys)
I can’t sit up and I want to! I can’t crawl and I want to! I can’t stand up and I want to! I’m standing up and I can’t sit down but I want to! I’m standing up but I can’t walk! I’m standing up but I can’t reach down to play with my toys!
I want to do it myself, don’t do it for me!!!!! …….. I can’t do it, WWWAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I don’t like (insert food name)!!!!! What do you mean I JUST ate this yesterday and loved it??? You’re a fucking liar, it’s disgusting!!!! WWAAAHHH.
NOOO!!! Your food is too hot! Don’t eat it until it’s cold. There. I saved you.
Something’s happening! I think I’m dying! Probably I’m dying! I’m totes dying over here. Dear lord, why won’t you help me!
That should have read:
Something’s happening! (eye droop) I think I’m dying! (head nod) Probably I’m dying! (drool) I’m totes dying over here. Dear lord, why won’t you help me! (eyes close, fart, snore)
My 6th sense said you and dad were showing each other AFFECTION. Disgusting! I will now commence crying because no one can show love to anyone but ME!
#’s 9 and 10. Multiple times a day. Every. Freaking. Day.
I’m glad my daughter’s obsession with fuzz isn’t as freakish as I once believed.
But also missing is:
WAAAAaaahh! Get these shoes off me, I can’t get them off. *sigh* Ah, I got them off. Wait. Mommy, I can’t get them back on. It won’t go on my foot WAAAAhhhh why aren’t you putting them back on me! I NEED MY SHOES BACK ON!
I’ve been sound asleep for over an hour. What’s that, you’re going to watch a movie and try to get in some adult conversation? I’m AWAKE!!!!
After several 8 hour road-trip days the carseat is the bane of my baby’s existence.
My now ten-year-old, back in the day:
You put me in shorts! I only like pants! Why do they even make shorts? I HATE SHORTS!!!! Wait, what did I say? Now that it’s freezing, I HATE pants! Why can’t I only wear shorts?!?! Also, my sock seam is slightly not perfectly in line with my toes!
Someone is pulling my hair! Someone is pulling my hair! It hurts! OH how it HURTS! Stop them! Stop them, now! What? It’s me? WELL, STOP ME!
OMG, I would have totally fallen for this and tried it when my boy was a babe. I was at my wit’s end and would have taken advice from anything!
I almost spit out my hard-earned gin and tonic upon reading this comment! It explained so many, many cold meals. Ha!
My brother is crying and I can’t very well let him cry alone! (this works both ways)
You and the other commenters nailed most of them. My toddler’s favorite lately is “Bubba looked at me.” while dramatically covering her mouth with one hand and screaming.
* Pick me up, I need to be picked up RIGHT NOW! No! No! Down, I need to be down on the floor, you silly woman! DOWN! Why are you putting me down? You need to hold me!
* Why won’t you let me pinch you boob while I nurse?
* There is a lump. A LUMP in my food! What are you trying to do to me? I might choke! (WAAAHHHHH, Gag, projective vomit)