This morning I woke up when Harlow started crying at around 6:30am. I picked her up out of her crib and changed her diaper in the hallway, because I didn't want to wake Mazzy by changing her in their room. Harlow was fussing and I knew the one thing I could do to calm her down. After her diaper was secured, I scooped her up and breastfed right there in the hallway on the floor.
I'm not producing nearly as much milk these days. I've got one boob that's doing the majority of the work and the other one is cheering from the sidelines. "You can do it, left boob! It's up to you to keep the baby alive! I'm rooting for you!"
We started supplementing with formula at about six months. Harlow doesn't seem to notice a difference. She drinks from a bottle all day while I'm at work anyway. Sometimes pumped milk, sometimes formula, sometimes a combination of both.
When I get home, Harlow often refuses my breast. Even the left one. I think the flow of milk isn't as fast as she would like. She's refused it so often, I've stopped trying. It used to upset me but I'm over it. Mazzy did the same thing at around her age. I think it's just one of the hazards of being a working mom.
So, in the evenings, even though my boobs are right there for the taking, I just feed her a bottle. Usually, Harlow is tired and doesn't drink the whole thing, so I always use formula for that feed. I don't want the good stuff to go to waste.
I used to pump four times a day. Once right before I left for work. Twice at work. And then once at night after Harlow went to bed. I'm not sure if I stopped pumping as often because I'm making less milk or I stopped making as much milk because I stopped pumping as often.
I do know that the whole pumping thing is getting pretty exhausting. As much as I kinda like taking a ten minue break from my work day to check facebook and scroll through instagram, if I have to clean that pump one more time I am going to scream.
Ironically, I think it was our vacation that slowed my milk production. I breastfed a lot more when I was around Harlow for the entire day. But that meant I pumped less which ultimately lessened my supply.
In any case, I'm down to one feed in the morning and two pumps per day. The bottles are laughably small. So small, I'm not even sure my milk is adding enough health benefits to continue.
But I breastfed Mazzy for a year and I am determined to do the same for Harlow.
Well, it's not all for Harlow. Part of me knows that the reason I've been able to go this long without exercising is because producing milk burns calories. Part of me also knows that the reason my boobs don't look like deflated pancakes waving at me from the floor, is because they've still got a bit of milk in them.
So, I keep up with my routine. But there is definitely a part of me wondering who I am doing this for.
That is, until those moments, when I'm feeding on the floor at 6am in the hallway with Harlow cradled in my arms. She doesn't lie like that for me in any other situation. And since sleep training, I no longer fall asleep with her in bed.
It's like breastfeeding helps me feel like a still have my little baby.
Last night I went out to dinner with a friend of mine who brought along her six week-old, held against her body in a sling. She seemed so tiny. So much smaller than the little girl I tote casually on one hip. The one who rides front facing in the stroller and can stand on her own two feet without holding on to anything.
This is my last baby.
Although, this past weekend, I went through my closet to get rid of clothes and free up some space. Without thinking, I separated the clothes into two piles. One for the clothes I no longer wear and one for my maternity clothes.
For some reason, I'm not ready to get rid of them. I put the maternity clothes in a bag back in my closet.
Just like I'm not ready to give away the clothes Harlow is quickly outgrowing. With Mazzy, I saved everything for our next kid. Giving away Harlow's clothes, never to be seen again, seems like a momumental decision.
I'm not ready to stop breastfeeding either. Even if I make only a few ounces of milk a day.
That moment in the morning, when Mike and Mazzy are both still sleeping and Harlow and I are tethered together in a way that only a mother and child can be…
That moment is mine. Ours.
For now.
I totally get it. and <3 to you!
I loved this post…so honest and I can totally relate…even though my girls are now 6 and 8. You summed up exactly how that felt and it seems like yesterday.
AWWW this is precious Mommyshorts, it’s ok getting sentimental every once in a while! 😉 … they do grow up so fast and seems like yesterday when Harlow was just a tiny new born. You think you wanna have another kid? or you’re definitely closing the baby factory?
Oh my gosh- you got me right in the feels today!!!
That was a beautiful post! Very touching. I just had my second baby and can relate to so much you said in there
Your breast feeding journey sounds exactly the same as mine. My daughter and Harlow are the same age and crossing many of the same milestones. Every week I have less and less milk. Between work and daycare and my doctoral program, she nurses less and less. We are also trying to make it to a year but I are formula supplementing in our future. And I loathe pumping. I also find it incredibly sad, but I’m so proud we have made it this far! Thanks for documenting these very real moments!
Such a sweet post. And I feel ya, Mama. Thanks for sharing.
I would sneak in feedings when I was supposed to be weaning my second and last baby, using the night cry as an excuse to breastfeed just One. Last. Time.
Last kids are bittersweet, for sure.
I totally relate. In fact, your story sounds like I could have written it. Those last few morning feedings were so precious for me. The last time I breastfed my little munchkin was really a bittersweet memory. I still miss it. I feel like my little baby has turned into a big boy overnight.
Exactly. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I felt that exact same way with my daughter. I only have one (so far), but I was determined to breastfeed her until she was 1, even though she was impatient and didn’t want to work for the milk. But I think those cuddles and one-on-one time were worth the fight. It’s hard to think about them growing up. I think she is ready, but I’m definitely not. You just have to cherish the time you have left. 🙂
I’m going through the exact same scenario right now. I just stopped pumping at work and I treasure the bedtime and early morning nursing sessions with my last baby.
I would kill for only pumping 4 times a day!! I pump 7-8 times a day or my supply takes a dip… I don’t get to nurse as often as I would like… lately seems like it’s only been once every couple a days and I think my 5 month old is starting to be done with the boob and only wants bottles 🙁
You made it a long way tho! Do what you have to do and no matter what it will be just fine :0
Beautiful! I read this as I pumped in the conference room! I laughed out loud at your comment about being so tired of cleaning the pump parts! Me too! I went through a particularly dry spell around 9 months, partly due to leaving a crucial part of my pump on a business trip then not being able to find a replacement for over a week!) but I added a pumping session temporarily (so 3 times a day at work, plus morning and night) and took fenugreek for a few weeks. My supply is now back up, and I dropped the 3rd feeding and herbal supplement (because smelling like syrup is only novel for so long). My little guy is 11 months and I plan to slowly stop pumping at a year and switch to cow milk for daytime bottles. I am ecstatic to stop pumping but also a little sad. I hope he will still breast feed at night and in the morning. I love our special time, because he has never been a snuggler! Hang in there and enjoy this time! Thank you for posting so honestly. 🙂
I can totally relate to the emotional stuff too but…
“Part of me also knows that the reason my boobs don’t look like deflated pancakes waving at me from the floor, is because they’ve still got a bit of milk in them.”
Wahahaha! YES!
Such a sweet post, I now have tears in my eyes. I can relate with you, my sweet baby girl is a month older than Harlow, and I’ve been extremely emotional lately with the thought of her turning one next month. I keep putting off planning her party just because I don’t want to admit that she’s not going to be a baby much longer by a toddler; I want to keep my baby forever. But, at the same time I love watching her face light up when she discovers new things.
This is absolutely the same exact thing I’m going through right now. Right down to giving away clothes and a dwindled milk supply. I’m having a hard time with it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. <3
Reading this hits close to home. I loved breastfeeding my sweet boy, it’s bond like no other. I breastfed my little guy for 6 months and my breastmilk finally began to dwindle out. I pumped, supplemented and fought hard to keep it coming and lost. The last couple of weeks I pumped only an ounce each day and after i while i decided I would save what milk I had left for him for the nightime feedings before bed. The night I accepted the reality, he tugged and grunted with frustration because there wasn’t enough anymore. It’s a heartbreaking thing to give up. Now before bed, I lay facing him, holing him with a bottle full of organic formula, propped on a small hand towel as close as I can get him to me. It’s not the same, but it’s the best I can do. It’s a shame that women are usually forced to prematurely give it up due to working and lack of support from loved ones.
I feel the exact same way when I hold my last(pray to the lord amen) daughter. She is so sweet nestled in my arms, content. Great post as usual.
Oh gosh…what a sweet post! totally crying!! I am getting sooo nervous that Luke is growing up on me…and is no longer going to be a baby….aye. Don’t want more kids…but want a baby forever. HAHA. xoxo
I can absolutely relate. Very touching – thank you for sharing.
Love this so much. I am going through the EAXCT same emotions with my second child, a 9 month old. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!
*wipes tears* IM NOT CRYING ITS BABY PEE I SWEAR!
Blubbing! Not exactly the same situation but my daughter turned two and a couple of weeks ago and despite me attempting to give up many times before as i thought i’d had enough of it all i finally weaned her off the boob. It felt liberating as I FINALLY had my body back but also really sad. I have also just recently seperated from her father and the thought of clearing out Charlottes clothes when we move out of our joint house kills me – I know it’s not a definite that i won’t ever have another baby at some point but not close enough in the future for me to be able to justify holding onto it all (and knowing my luck I’d have a boy and none of it would be any use anyway!) Thanks for the emotional post today – it just felt right with where I am at the mo.
Aww, why you gotta go and do that! sniff sniff. I still look at my 2nd & last baby boy who is now 3 and yearn for that sensation and bond. It was so hard for me to give it up but breastfeeding didn’t come easy to me and I stopped after 4 months. And in the spirit of honesty, it sent me down the black hole of postpartum depression which led to a diagnosis of chronic depression and happy pills. It was more than I can bear. I couldn’t deal with the sadness and the emptiness. Talk about confusing since I had my 2 babies there and a loving husband, yet the absence of breastfeeding felt like a huge loss that I had to grieve. But, it’s all good now and I treasure those short 4 months. Instead of saying “it sucks to be a woman,” I can proudly say, and so will you, “what a beautiful gift I was given, even if for a short while.”
Such a heartfelt post. Being a mommy is no easy life, especially when breastfeeding. You do what you have to do because that’s what mommies do.
My experience too, and I wasn’t a working mom until after my LO stopped breastfeeding. My supply started to dwindle around five months, was super low at seven months, and she just lost interest. Despite what the American Academy of Pediatrics and the LaLeche folks say, my pediatrician assured me that sometimes the babies self-wean, and it is totally normal to show a lack of interest as they gain a sense of independence. I asked him how many women actually breastfeed up until the one-year mark. He said not as many as you’d think. Of course, I have a friend who is still breastfeeding her three-year-old.
I was super sad and emotional–I loved the way she would be so eager to breastfeed. But I got over that quickly. It’s nice to wear my regular VS bras and not have to take the pump with me wherever I go. Husband is relieved too.
I had my hubby take pictures of what I knew were going to be my last feedings with my son. I had to stop at 7 months because ol’ righty stopped producing, so he was only feeding from one. I love looking at those pictures.
He transitioned to formula ok, but the switch to cows milk at 11 months was a huge success. Suddenly, he loved his bottles and slept so much better.
Now, he is 2.5 and I am expecting a little girl in a month. I hope I can breastfeed her at least as long as I did him.
Also, it is going to be so weird to get rid of her clothes as she moves out of them. I washed, sorted and boxed all of his clothes as he grew out of them, keeping my favorites in his keepsake bin.
i relate to this so much. my son is four months and i just went back to work…and my supply has taken a nosedive. yesterday he had to have formula for the first time and i cried, which is so dumb. i’m determined to keep pumping in the office but it’s just the worst. yesterday a girl walked in on me while pumping, which was….awkward.
anyway, thanks for this! i feel ya.
-alyssa
thesparklylife.com
I am in the exact boat with my daughter. From Day One, I didn’t make enough milk so we had to supplement with formula. I still pumped my heart out just to give her something good. Now that she’s almost 10 months old, my milk has seemed to decrease even more. I basically make enough for two decent bottles a day. It’s depressing. I just have to think at least she’s getting something better than machine made nutrition, even if it is only one or two bottles a day. I’ve got some freezer stash that I’m going to have to tap soon. I guess I better get her on more solids soon, huh? 🙁
Thank you for this post. My third child is 9 months old and I have worked through all three kids. I have not used formula in the past but and struggling with a dwindling supply and the work/nurse/pump exhaustion. Your post made my day it’s nice to hear other working moms with the same struggles!
My daughter is 13 months and I fear we’re nearing the end of the line, as well. But those cuddly times are among the few moments in a day she’s to hungry to be curious. I’m not ready to give them up, either!
We’ve had to start supplementing my little guy at 4 months… so I’m starting to see the beginning of the end. I was only able to breastfeed my firstborn for 6 weeks, so I’m determined to make it to at least 6 months this time. I may not be quite as far down the road as you, but I know what’s coming. My husband doesn’t want another (I’m still undecided) so this could be my very last baby and I don’t want to let it go yet, either.
Aww so much love for you! It was so hard for me to say “I’m done.” Even after the doctor said I needed to be done. Even after my husband said he wanted to be done. It was a whole weepy emotional thing. We didn’t even start the process of me having surgery until the baby was 18 months old. And I only did it then because I felt those baby urges creeping in and felt that this would definitely not be a team effort-so why sit around and be miserable wishing he would agree to a baby?
There’s no rush to donate those clothes. They won’t hurt anything, sitting in your closet for awhile longer.
Your story is very similar to mine, my little boy is 14 months and I am still holding on. I know that I could quit and he wouldn’t really notice after a day or two but I just love it. We only really nurse at bedtime and every once and a while on the weekends I just can’t bring myself to stop. It will feel like he isn’t my baby anymore and I am just not ready for it.
On Karly’s first birthday, we were all so busy from morning until night, I never breastfed her and she didn’t “request” it.
She conked out early and I put her in her crib then sobbed in my own bed.
“My baby weaned and I didn’t even know it was going to happen!”
I don’t think Bill got it. I know he didn’t.
The next morning, when Karly got up and expected to nurse again, I’ve never been so happy. We went another two months (dribbling along, two months longer than I’d expected to breastfeed) and it was NOT for her.
It was absolutely for me.
So I get everything about this post, Ilana, even though my “babies” are in high school. I’m still not over the fact that Karly was my last baby…maybe because I didn’t know it at the time. We hadn’t made that decision.
We never made that decision, it’s just how it worked out. But I’m staring down the barrel of turning 45 and sometimes wish wistfully that I were having another. Still.
I know.
I probably need to see a therapist – ha!
My point is this: take your time with everything. You’ll know when each step is right. And you’ll still probably be nostalgic about every step no matter what. It’s part of being a mother who love being a mommy.
XO
Alyssa,
Do not feel dumb for crying because of the formula. I did the exact same thing. There is nothing in the world wrong with formula- thank goodness we have it as an option. But when your heart wants to breastfeed your child, it is a painful sad thing when it doesn’t work out how you dreamed it would. It is a loss. And you deserve to grieve it as so. xo
We sleep trained our daughter along with you, she is a few weeks younger. Along with the sleeping in her own crib came a reduction in the night time feedings (we still nurse once around 3 am right now). Coupled with me being back in school full time and working I feel those precious moments of just the two of us have an expiration date. I know it won’t be tomorrow, or even next month, I know we will have other moments, in other ways but I can’t help but feel a bit wistful. Thanks for the post!
I TOTALLY GET IT!!
I sometimes think i would like to have another baby just so the mothering of a baby feelings don’t stop.
I also wish i could say like other women that I’m done having children. If i were sure maybe i could move one and be glad to get rid of baby clothes. Instead i die a litle inside everytime my kids reach a milestone. Horribly mixed feelings of joy and sadness!
Beautiful post. I’m in the same boat- but with a 7 month old. I had a break between jobs and since she was home with me I stopped pumping for a few weeks. It’s been hard to get back into a rhythm with pumping- it sucks! But I use the time to read my favorite blog 😉
The baby sleeps through the night if we give her a 5 ounce bottle- and there is no way I produce that much at night! But I’m not ready to stop nursing her at bedtime. And yes, I know I sound like a crazy person to give up sleep. But that’s motherhood, right?
The flip side is, my 4 year old self-weaned at 9 months and I was glad to be done. Then I read all this stuff on the internet about how I should be mourning. To each his own.
I think the fact that this baby is probably our last makes everything bittersweet this time around.
I can understand every word you wrote. I breastfed my first daughter until two weeks after her first birthday and my second daughter until she was almost two. There is nothing in the world like it. I had the hardest time giving away my second daughter’s clothes! I knew there would be no more babies,but it made it so final. Hand on to their sweet littleness. It flies past on silver wings! <3
My baby is nine and I nursed her until she was three. Knowing she was my last one (I have 4), I had a hard time letting go, knowing she would be the last. We have such a strong bond and i would t change anything about my decision to nurse that long. l LOVE IT!
What a lovely post!
I totally get you and I felt the same when my firstborn started preferring the bottle over boob.
What I noticed was that if we used a bottle with fewer holes in the top for a few days, she was more willing to nurse.
I think they get frustrated with the breast that requiers more work to get the milk out than a bottle with several holes in it and a steady flow of milk.
All the best,
Jona
Very sweet!
Sounds like someone may have a little baby fever? Or at least contemplating another baby in the future? ; )
I completely “get” you. With my first child, breasfeeding was a disaster, I cried everyday for 2 weeks and ended up quitting (which was the absolute best decision for my whole family at that time). However, with my daughter, I nursed her for a little over 6 months, having to supplement beginning at 2 months. I eventually weaned her because she was losing interest….and now I’ve become one of those people who actually misses breastfeeding. It’s such a sweet, sweet bond. I never understood this until now. And you’ve said it so well.
I am right there with you so much, that even though i laughed a little this brought tears to my eyes too. Lilly is my last baby…my husband went so far as to get that “fixed” shortly after she was born. My son, who is now almost 8, pretty mush self weaned at about 11 months. Lilly is now almost 14 months and hasn’t completely stopped. I pump twice while at work and its dwindled down to me bringing home 3 MAYBE 4 oz…pathetic. We are adding whole milk to that, and she has NEVER liked formula. I am ready and NOT ready to stop!!! I think its as much as a difficult transition for me as it will be for her 🙁
I hear you sister! My “baby” (2y2m) is hanging on to “boo” with all his might – usually literally. I din’t know how much milk I’m producing but he has his morning feed and often an afternoon one as well. Although there are times (many of them) when I am ready for him to wean, as my last baby (not by choice but health) every milestone is bittersweet.
I always hated pumping and he never took to the bottle, but as I sometimes go away for work I have to pump to keep my supply up (and prevent my friend mastitis) and then TIP IT DOWN THE SINK!!! What a waste! I’m about to go away for a week, and I’m half dreading that he won’t be interested when I get back.
We mummy’s are tricky creatures!
I know how this feels. Totally been there. First went thru all the fu ky maternity clothes and saved the good ones, then sent the nice ones to my mom’s for my sister “one day”. It does feel good to get rid of stuff. I just try not to think too much of it. Of course I did have to save a lot of my daughters’s baby clothes but slowly I given some away too. No #3 for me. We feel complete.
Opps…I meant to right funky. 🙂
Write…ok I am tired.
This was how it happened with me and my son. One night he fell asleep without nursing and then the next morning he was just DONE. I was so sad. And with both my kids it was as much for me as for them in the end. And yeah, I got so tired of pumping!
Lovely post. It is so hard when you know it’s your last baby. My “baby” is 16 and I am still parting with baby clothes! My friend and I were both too old for a third child, but we talked about how we wished we could have that baby experience again. It is a bond like no other!
Beautiful. I’m already feeling those pangs with my 6week old daughter as she grows out of her newborn clothes and diapers. I’ll be a mess when I wean her, but hopefully that’s still at least a year away. I feel very lucky to be writing this from Canada where I get a full year of maternity benefits, so pumping for me is just for those few occasions when I’ll go for a dinner out without kids.
Wow… Fighting back the tears. Thank you so much for this post! My son is only a few weeks younger than Harlow, and I was able to exclusively breastfeed until 9 months. I cried buckets when I had to start supplementing with formula. Now, I think I am getting over that because I don’t have to spend my entire day hooked to a pump, and he, like Harlow, doesn’t seem to even notice switching back and forth from breast milk to formula. I am dreading the day when we no longer get to spend our “skin” milk time together, and I am struggling to keep my “milk stud” producing since the rightie just wasn’t fast enough flowing for him and he deemed it a “milk dud!” It is my goal to make it to 1 year, and some days that seems to be coming so soon. For now, I will savor the moments of sweet mommy and me time that I still have before he becomes a big boy.
My first baby is Harlow’s age and though I was never able to get breastfeeding to work, and though she’s our first kid rather than our last, this post STILL made me cry. I can’t even think about how it will be with the last kid. Hang in there mama and hold on as long as you want to!
This is exactly where I am right now. We’ve decided not to have anymore kids and my 3 mo old is quickly growing out of his clothes. I have a box in his room along with my maternity clothes to go to a friend who is expecting her surprise of a third baby and had purged her house of mat and baby clothes. It feels so monumental to give it all away. I’m really emotional about it.
This is exactly how I am feeling. My 2nd son is our last and I love the ability to be the only one to provide this for him. No one else can do this for him, so therefore, I need to contiue, right?! It also has become a challenge-how long can I breastfeed for? It’s nice to know we have formula or bottled breadtmilk to fall back on and it enables me to go have lunch with my sister and not rush back home to nurse him. Therefore, I am determined to have the best of both worlds because I ultimately feel that is what my son gets, too. He gets time with mom, dad and aunties and grandmas who enjoy feeding him from a bottle. Good luck! And also, don’t hesitate to hold onto a few outfits. I have 2 newborn outfits I am keeping from each of my son’s.
One practical tip, that worked for me (still going strong nursing months old, albeit with a couple of night feedings, but no daytime pumping since she turned 11 months:)- LOW flow bottles during the day until 11 months old and then a transition from bottles to water in sippy cups during the day, so she is not filling up on milk/formula during the day and does not get used to the quick/easy flow of a bottle. My little girl still loves nursing and I love our special time together.
There may also be a decrease in milk production due in part to the sleep training recently. Looking over the research, there seems to be a correlation between continued breastfeeding and not sleeping through the night- as in babies that sleep through the night are less likely to be breastfed/ babies that breastfeed are less likely to sleep through the night- granted, I am no expert- but it may be that many of us have to choose between uninterrupted night of sleep or continued breastfeeding. Different choices will be right for different folks- but if you want to keep up the breastfeeding for a few more months, one or two night feedings might bring the supply back.
This makes me cry. I’m breastfeeding my little, and probably, last baby girl. I haven’t really thought about it until reading your post. I breastfed my two boys and always had a thought I’d be doing it again, since I wanted three. Now that she’s here, it is a last call. Thank you for this post, so when the time comes, I can read this again and smile, or cry.. whatever my feeling is at the moment.
Oh my gosh…you just said everything I’m afraid to admit to myself (and especially anyone else) about my son. He’s only 5 months old, but he’s my last baby. My daughter is 2.5 years old now, and getting rid of her baby clothes (things that baby boy definitely cannot wear) just about brings me to tears. I can’t even begin to think about getting rid of the things they’ve both worn…or the end of breastfeeding…
Wow I kinda feel wierd Im going through this but my baby boy is going on 2 in November. I just teased at the idea of weaning him the other day and he was totally pist! I dont pump at all, and he is totally fine with out his “ba-ba’s when Im not home, away at work for 10 hrs at a time. He drinks out of cups, straws or whatever is available. But when Im home he is attached!Its totally his comfort zone, his binky is my boob. I have found myself doing all sorts of things and he could be right there getting a few sips off the nips. And when its nap/bed time that is what puts him down. He recently started this annoying habit of flip flopping from side to side after a few sips..duration sometimes short or long..he switched boob to boob until he finally settles in and knocks out. My husband just started nursing school and learned about the breastfeeding and release of oxytocin and insists Im possibly addicted to oxytocin…lol But as with all of us mothers who this is our last…we just dont want to let go. I know the lack of weaning is a mixture of many things. To know I will never breastfeed again is sad yes.The not wanting to watch my boy want for his “ba-ba” and hold it back from him is going to kill me. But the time that is “ours” like you explained is what I love. Its what I can give him that no other can. The moment he sees me from being gone all day, the relief in his eyes when he falls into my arms , lifts my shirt and I bring him close and his tiny lips latch on like a hungry lil cub and he drinks with such satisfaction. I sink into my bed and the waves of love flood my body and we fall soundly asleep in eachothers arms…this is what I dont want to let go of….just for a couple more days..or weeks