Lately, I’ve been noticing people are way more concerned about the safety of my 18 month old than I am. They see her walking toward a flight of stairs or heading up the ladder of a swing set and immediately they run to pull her away before she hurts herself.
I always run a few beats later for appearances sake. I don’t want to be accused of negligence and I assume they think I’m not paying close enough attention, which is why they feel the need to step in.
I don’t blame them. She’s a baby. Instinct tells you to save her. I’m glad that is most people’s instinct, just in case it’s ever necessary.
But please understand— I am paying attention.
I just like to see what my baby can do before I rush to her aid.
Remember the video of Harlow walking down the stairs for the first time? Everyone was amazed that I didn’t lunge for her when she stumbled. I was sort of alarmed at myself that I didn’t either. But because I didn’t, she recovered without falling and made it down all on her own.
I’m honestly not sure whether my laid back parenting style is due to recklessness or laziness. It seems exhausting to hover over your children and worry they will injure themselves at every turn.
Or perhaps there’s some desire to prove my babies are wiser than their years. “Look how Harlow knows to stay away from the edge of the pool! She’s so advanced!”
I like to get a feel for Harlow’s instincts too. I would never know she understands a pool is something to walk around instead of walk through, if I kept her tethered to my lap the entire time. And it’s not like I leave her by the pool while I run off to make myself a drink inside the house. I’m right there. Maybe not in arm’s length but close enough so I can dive in if something goes awry.
I am always watching.
At the new house, I was really nervous about Harlow having access to a flight of stairs for the first time. Her room is upstairs and I imagined my baby flinging herself over the side of her crib, wandering out of her room and falling down the steps in the middle of the night.
The first weekend, we put a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs when we were downstairs and then moved it to the top of the stairs after we put the girls to bed. We were diligent about making sure their access was restricted at all times.
I’m not going to lie, constantly opening, closing and moving that baby gate was a pain.
Our plan was to purchase two baby gates for the top and the bottom, but the following weekend, two seconds after entering the front door, I heard “Momma! Momma!” from above. I realized Harlow had already climbed to the top of the stairs before we had a chance to put up the baby gate, and was asking me to help her come back down.
I actually took it as a good sign that Harlow knew when to ask for my help.
I held her hand lightly, to let Harlow figure out how to balance without relying on me too much. When she pulled her hand away to try it on her own, I let her.
By the end of the day, she seemed pretty competent. I would stand at the top as she worked her way up and stand at the bottom as she worked her way down. I could see that she was cautious and thoughtful about each step.
As her confidence grew, so did mine.
Ultimately, Mike and I decided we don’t need the baby gates. Is this the right call? I guess we will find out, but we survived the weekend without incident.
Mike has always been a tough love kind of guy. He’s very sweet with the girls, but he also tests them. If they fall, his immediate reaction is “Shake it off, shake it off! You are fine.” All without rising from his seat.
Nine times out of ten, he is right.
When Mazzy was a baby, this was not my instinct, but I watched my husband’s hands-off approach and saw that it worked. There are way less tears if I wait to see if Mazzy is hurt, than if I inform her reaction with my own.
Now that Harlow is running around at full speed, I always notice people looking around concerned, wondering why her mother isn’t immediately by her side.
I’m there. I’m just not hovering. I’m curious where she will go and what she will do without me guiding her. And I’m never too far that I can’t stop her from getting into any real danger.
When Harlow stumbles, people gasp and rush to help her, certain their quick reflexes are what stopped a horrible situation from getting worse.
But, they are wrong.
Harlow would pick herself back up, brush her hands off and keep running without their interference too.
My girls, they are tough.
I don’t know whether they were born that way or Mike and I somehow stumbled upon a parenting philosophy that works for us. God knows we fail in so many other ways.
But I do know, that if you stop my baby from stumbling toward a staircase, that’s great. I wouldn’t want you to act otherwise.
But don’t assume I’m not paying attention.
I might just know my baby a little better than you do.
And I might actually be doing something right.
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Have a bunch more. 😉 She can’t hover over all of them (that’s what I did to mine, LOL).
Seriously, though, I find myself biting my tongue a lot with my MIL and allowing her to freak, since that’s obviously what she wants to do. Several times I’ve mildly commented, “Relax, s/he can do it,” but it never seems to stick, so…fortunately, we live several hours away. The occasional spazzing from that side doesn’t outweigh our “go ahead and try” attitude. It would be a very different kettle of fish if they were more frequently involved in the kids’ lives.
I am torn on this article. While I agree that hovering over your child’s every move is hindering, this country is now oozing with laziness to which this article gives the reckless parents some justification. Take for instance parents with substance abuse issues…. this article is now an excellent justification reference for their lack of supervision. Parents who fall asleep while their toddler is roaming the house is not good parenting, period! Parents who feel that allowing their toddler to tumble down a flight of stairs as an learning experience is not good parenting, period! Yes, children have injuries and such, but this article is way to justifying to the parents that do not keep an eye on their child. Hovering may not be necessary but having to make several hospital visits a year is unfair to the child as well. This article lacks the articulation of “balance”. It is really one sided to lazy parents who need some justification. Just some food for thought.
Me too! My rule during lessons was that mom & dad could not be poolside. They could peek from wherever but they needed to be out of sight of the kids. On the last day of our 2-week sessions, you could come watch. 3 & 4 year olds that were afraid of the water on the first day would jump off the diving board in the deep end & swim unassisted to the side. All of the kids were so proud to show off their new sills!
This is not “lazy” parenting!! Letting your child explore is completely natural for them. She is obviously not letting her child tumble all the way down the stairs. She has allowed her child the freedom to explore her balance & learn her limits. Besides, last time I checked, most substance abusing parents are not reading articles about parenting or trying to find the humor & support of other parents. Keep hovering though. I’d like to know how that works out for you when your kids are teenagers.
I think your selling yourself short by calling it lazy parenting. Our parents generation would just call it Parenting!
I specialize in early childhood education, and want to let you know how amazing I think you are. This parental mentality is incredible, and completely underrated. Children learn through experience and benefit most when they are given opportunity to explore without too much hindrance. Safety is necessary, of course, but many adults have a difficult time finding a balance between the two. Good on you and your husband! Your babes will flourish with you two as parents.
I’ve had my “freak out” moments…and that time at the park I let her go in alone for ONE minute and a stranger ends up walking her out because in that minute she’d whacked herself in the head. I just said ” What’d you do THAT for, silly?” Or when she walked into the car door as a toddler and blood was starting to gush everywhere…picked her up with an “oopsie!” and wiped it off with my hand (repeatedly…bled like crazy for a tiny wound on her forehead) until we got in the house. She never knew she was bleeding, which was cool with me! Now she’s 9 and if she hurta herself I just tell her to get the scissors so I can cut off whatever appendage is hurting. It generally works very well…I love it when she actually brings the scissors and says “I can’t look…just make it quick!” Hehe
It’s all instincts and knowing your kid. And you are so smart. BTW–we ditched the baby gates too.
So many parents doing the right thing and not giving into the instinct to comfort on every fall. I’ve been a fan of picking a kid up, telling them they are fine, and then ignoring them. Or just ignoring them from the corner of my eye from the start. We really do create whiny kids otherwise.
I also like the hands-off approach. The only thing I would say is when you are at someone else house, be a bit hands-on. Before I had kids, I couldn’t stand hands-off parents that let their kids run rampant in my non-child proof house. Expensive items within reach, so let’s pay a little more attention, huh. I love your hands-off approach, but how about recognizing this unique situation in a childless house.
Sorry, little rant. Great post!
I thank you for being frank and honest. This was somewhat how my children were raised and they are very self functioning individuals.
thanks for this
My eldest daughter taught me that children are tough. As overly diligent as we were with her, she fell down the basement steps several times, she choked on everything she ate to the point that my husband became an expert at the Heimlich. It’s funny that we backed off with our subsequent children and they had far fewer falls and I don’t recall ever performing the Heimlich maneuver on them. Good for you for trusting yourself and your children.
So true Ashley because the parent freaks out the child thinks it was in danger and starts crying. There was a mum at my son’s swim school who stood right on the edge of the pool while her child had her lesson. I felt sorry for the teacher but also the child because the child would have thought, ‘if mum is right there what I am doing mustn’t be safe’
Hovering parents make cry baby sissies. They need to explore and to learn. Yes, even that falling down is a little painful, but rising up makes you stronger and wiser. I always asked mine are you broken? Are you bleeding? are you bruised? Answer was usually no. Then I would tell them dust it off and go on. Sometimes it did require a kiss and a hug. You are doing parenting right. You are letting your children become well adjusted adults as they grow and to know that Mom and Dad are near, but they got this! Congratulations on being great parents
one of the absolute best articles I’ve ever read! I have the same problem. I let my kids explore, people feel i’m inattentive!
It is not “lazy parenting”, it is European parenting. We Americans are too over-protective of our children. Europeans, especially the French, have a very hands-off approach to parenting, and they manage to raise healthy, well-adjusted, independent children. I, too, take this approach with my children. I can tell the difference it does make, seeing as my two older children are my babies from another mother, and they didn’t have this style of parenting as young children. They are more dependent on my husband and myself for everything, and are attention-seekers. They are starting to show improvement, especially our daughter, who we have had custody of the longest. My youngest is very independent, thoughtful, and amazing all around. Not to say we don’t ever have problems with him, but they are much fewer than the other two.
It’s funny isn’t it? What people call “lazy parenting” these days is typical, old-fashioned 70s and 80s parenting. We all turned out just fine. I may have a couple light scars from falls, but they’re barely noticeable. My parents let me run around the neighborhood with my friends when I was 4. I had to be in by dark. We were much stronger and more independent back then, that’s for sure. The only time I yelled for my daughter to stop doing something was once when she started to go into the street. I told her cars can kill you if they hit you. She never tried to run into the street again. And once, while sitting in the chair at the eye doctor’s office. I couldn’t get to her quickly and she was heading for an electrical socket with my keys. I screamed, “NO!!!” She dropped the keys and started crying. I explained to her why I yelled and why she should never ever do that. She always had a great memory, so that incident was never repeated either.
I like this in theory, but I think you’re taking it too far. I really dislike the part about moving the gate to the top and bottom of the stairs. Any gate that can be moved is NOT safe at the top of the stairs. Only gates that are installed should ever be used at the top of the stairs. Falls down the stairs are the number one cause for household accident deaths in children. Please educate yourself before spreading ignorance that can potentially kill children. You have a responsibility as a public writer to do so. Also children may have certain instincts, but they still lack coordination and motor skills. Allowing them to possibly fall into a pool really isn’t necessary. I’m all about “non helicopter parenting” but that doesn’t mean you allow children to get into life threatening situations.
My husband is the same way too. I use to run, I still do sometimes but I realize that he has to figure things out on his own. Once I left him with out a diaper and he made the biggest mess you can imagine, there was poo, even where I didn’t think to look, it took an hour to clean it up but after that he has had pee accident but no poo. He has manage to control his business pretty well. The funny part about it , is that when I saw what he did, I started laughing and saying don’t worry is mommy’s fault. Mommy left you without a diaper. I’m not mad.
Love it. I live in a big split level house. We moved there when my son was 6 wks old. We would have had to have had at least 5 baby gates to make everything safe. We chose instead to teach him how to climb and descend the stairs safely as soon as he was mobile.
[…] confident in my parenting style. I’m actually not even sure I have a parenting style (unless lazy counts), so it’s harder for people to insult me when I fully admit I have no idea what I am […]
I love this. Thank you for writing it! I, too, am that mother who watches and waits. I have two daughters of two very different dispositions, one steep flight of stairs, and zero child safety gates. My eldest is extremely careful, so we never needed to put a gate up for her. My youngest is the wild-child — however, she isn’t reckless. She does know her limits. From the moment she was born, I assumed I’d need to go buy the gate for her, with all that energy and power and curiosity. Just as I always do, I watched and waited. Now she’s two, and she runs like a crazed puppy all around the downstairs, then slows way down and concentrates when it’s time to navigate the stairs. I’m so glad that I gave her enough space to learn this skill.
My only fear about it is the judgment of others.
Great Read and insight! I’m feeling lazier already lol
Thank you 🙂
This is funny, thanks for sharing!
This is great. Just the other day I was thinking how a lot of people (family members included) would think of my husband and I as negligent parents. In reality, we prefer to let our toddler learn the ways of the world on her own, with our supervision.
Katelynn, hampersandhiccups.com
Parenting is tough and each one has their own view and methods to follow. I agree that you should leave your kids to get accustomed to more tougher jobs and chores so they get ready to face the world when they grow up.
Nicely written
Great article. Thanks for sharing.
Nursery in Discovery Gardens
Good post you have here!
I do not this is essentially lazy parenting. You are watching and that is being alert at all times.
It’s good and the kids also know to think and react to each situation accordingly.
This speaks to me on so many levels. As parents, we need to teach our children the right way to act and the correct way to do things. By safe-guarding their every move, we are not teaching them anything. A better approach would be supervised exploration. One specific example, when discussing stairs and toddlers, a fellow mom on the Weecare.co Community Page suggested, that she “went with no gate and made the effort to teach our son how to carefully go down the stairs. Definitely scary at first, but now he is super careful when he goes down the stairs.” While I would still go with a baby gate, I do think that supervised exploring will help the child to learn to safely use the stairs at an earlier age. For the full conversation, here’s the link: https://weecare.co/post/how-to-keep-my-toddler-from-slipping-on-the-staircase-118.
Right on! I always let my kids figure things out on their own. The first years are so critical for brain development. Why get in the way of learning by hovering and blocking their experiences!?