My “Totally Butchered Words” posts are some of my post popular. (You can find them here and here and here.) But be forewarned— they are not for the pearl clutchers amongst us! There is bad language, dirty words I previously didn’t know existed and lots of little mouths that should be washed out with soap.
But then, can you really get a mad at a kid for screaming “DUMB FUCK!!!!” when he’s excited to see a dump truck? I don’t think so. You can just smile politely at the gaping strangers and go about your day.
All the butchered words depicted below are actual mispronunciations that were submitted by moms of actual toddlers. As always, the real words are pictured with the mispronunciation written in white.
Not all the butchered words are bad words so let’s ease you into this post with two cute mispronunciations from Harlow. The first is “poop paste” pictured up top and the second is a butchered word I recently discovered while reading Harlow a picture book about animals.
Every time Harlow points to the baboon and screams, “Ba-BOOM! Ba-BOOM!” Mazzy and I both crack up. I refuse to correct her (it’s too damn cute) and will be sad the day she starts to pronounce it right.
And now, the butchered words are about to get exponentially more “colorful” so I’m giving you the option to opt out. I’ll pepper in a few of the more innoncent mispronunciations throughout, just to give you a Bad Language Break. If you have a child who can read, I would bookmark this page and save it for later, after he or she is in bed.
Trust me.
Just know, I didn’t say any of these things. YOUR CHILDREN DID.
And lastly, my favorite…
There you have it. Obviously, many of these mothers should be scared to bring their children out in public.
Especially if they like penis butter spread on their panty cakes.
Who’s got more butchered words? Please post them in the comments for the next one!
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my 22 month old is saying two words I have quite deciphered yet but they sound exactly like “dick” and C U Next Tuesday – not sure if I should type that. I really need to figure out what she is trying to say!!
Lol, they say some funny things! When we can’t figure it out we say “Show me” and she walks us to whatever she was asking for. Sometimes this is hard because it’s not always in an easy spot but maybe it would help? I’m assuming she is saying them together?
All I can think of is the game Duck Hunt lol.
My two year old calls puddles “cuddles”, often asking to jump in the cuddles. My husband keeps on trying to correct her, but I think it’s too cute to correct!
My daughter calls puddles “cuddles” too!
One of my nephews once explained to his mom that, “Boys have penises. Girls have china.”
My son (at age two) came up with “Boys have penises, girls have pajamas.”
My niece (highly allergic to peanuts) said “girls have a bagina, boys have peanuts. I don’t like peanuts—they make me sick!”
baby soup = bathing suit
Too cute, cracks me up every time!
My son used to call cactus “poked us” and we loved it so much, it stuck around and is still being used 2 years later.
My daughter says dickdickulous for ridiculous. She also use to say boo boos for blueberries.
how funny! my son says dickless for ridiculous.
My daughter confuses the words for flood and puddle, and calls both “fluddles”.
Cutest ever. You must never correct her and use that word forever. I will be using it from now on and making sure my 5yr old daughter has it in her regular vocabulary. ????????
my son calls jalapeños “hollow penis”
When my daughter was little, she used to call sandals “candles”, helicopters “helicockers” and she would always ask me to fix her ponytails by saying “plug it in tighter”. If I corrected her she would tell me “that’s what MY said!” I miss the mispronounciations. 🙂
My oldest, then about 3, informed her daddy as he was getting her ready for bed one night that she had a nig–r as she pointed to a freckle. Considering we don’t say that word in this household and to me the two sound nothing alike, I have no idea why she called it that. But she insisted her freckle was a n—-r for a while. She also called herself “dabadee” instead of Madison when she was 18 mos old so… Yeah. She now (age 4.5) correctly pronounces her name and the word freckle.
skittles are called shitles and popcorn is pop porn at our house.
Pop corn in my house is crack corn
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Love this.
We’re currently enjoying “cack” for “cake”. As in “me eat cack, mmmmmm.” Or shouting and pointing in coffee shops, “dat cack! and dat cack!” Guess it wouldn’t be so much of a problem if cake wasn’t the favorite of his food groups. And Percy is “Pissy” around these parts.
Still smirking at douche waffle though. Totally telling the hubs it’s his turn to load the douche waffle tonight and seeing what he comes up with….
Sleeping Booty, Snow Wipe, and my personal favorite, “cock” when pointing to a clock tower!
Yes, we too get ‘cock’ shouted very loudly every time a clock is seen by my little boy! Does make me laugh…
Am laughing way too hard at dese dicks.
Duke calls clementines “bobotines” for unknown reason.
Fags (Flags)
Helicockters (Helicopters)
My oldest used to call peanut butter “pee-dutter”
My 2yrs old said…
OIL DOOKEY = Oreo cookie
Sit – a – man = Cinnamon
Those made me laugh the most!
Oreos were “black cookies” for the longest time at our house 🙂
For the longest time my daughter would say she wanted “black chips” for Lay’s BBQ chips. ah memories
My 2 year old son calls cookies dookey as well lol
We were at Macy’s during a particularly busy shopping day and my brother is holding my 2yo daughter. I was rushing ahead of them when all of a sudden my toddler yells, “Mommy, wipe your ass!”
She meant “wait for us”.
Holy cow that just made me LOL! Kinda hard when you’re in a very quiet office!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Completely laughed out loud at this! And then I had to let my bosses read the article so they could understand why I was laughing so much
My daughter was eating MANGO, which she loves and asked “Why isn’t it pink anymore?” Turns out, she thought she was eating dead FLAMINGO – or FLAMANGO
My 3 yr old son doesn’t pronounce the letter “s” yet, so suckers are “fuckers.” When he was littler, stickers were “dicks.”
My daughter asks for PIES PISS PEAS every morning for breakfast. That’s the Kellogs breakfast cereal RICE KRISPIES… not sure if they’re in the US. I really never ever want to correct her. It’s the most adorable thing ever.
My 2 year old daughter pronounces cucumbers as “cum cumbers.”
These posts are hilarious!
My almost-4-yr-old calls her toothpaste “Kids Crust” (Kids Crest).
She usually speaks clearly but also calls a mirror a “moo.” My almost-6-yr-old calls it a “murr,” which I think is an artifact of their growing up in Philly. 6-yr-old also says “calcucator” for “calculator”, and used to say my favorite – “hang-guh-burger” for hamburger.
When I was little I would say that my dad worked in a “hahsiboo” (hospital).
I’m crying over here from these. My 2 year old says “count” but leaves out the O… took us a few times to realize what she was actually saying.
We have a pool, and they call the chemicals, “kekminals”
Yogurk (yogurt)
Concreek (concrete)
Poffee (coffee)
And nursing in our house is “nah” so cononut milk is “coco-nah”
My youngest used to call his comforter a comfortable. “Mommy, tuck me in with my comfortable.” It was adorable and I was sad when he stopped. My oldest called his stuffed duck his “fucky.” Not as cute and made for many awkward moments in public.
My current favorite, which he’s starting to grow out of :(, is Bike-a-doo for bicycle.
Also, instead of juice he says juicy, which I now completely encourage by saying myself.
While not exactly the same thing, he knows some of his colors (he’s 2.5) and we had a visitor from Mexico. So he said something was red, and we said, “It’s also rojo (ro-ho) can you say rojo?” He nodded and with a big grin, shouted, “Purple!”
My daughter has 2 (we have both on video, i laugh a lot at work)- one has gotten better, the other we are still working on – Fox comes out like f*ck and shrimp sounds like sh*t
Fucks (ducks)
Quick (drink)
Shit down (sit down)
Gwingwin (penguin took me 4 weeks to work that one out)
& a yee you (I see you)
The rest are more a miss use of a word, he’ll push his shoe’s & socks off, tell you to ‘go on’ instead of ‘come on’ (when your supposed to follow him)
sure there’s many more to come as he grows lol
My 2.5 year old says POOP PASTE too. Love it.
Fruit pouch = POOHOSE
Tickle = TITTLE
YES! Tittle! My 2 yrs old asks for us to “TITLE” her all the time. LOL ^_^
My son used to call goldfish crackers BULLSHIT. He had a hard time with any word infront of fish…catfish=CATSHIT, etc. It was so funny that my husband used to use it as a party trick…once my son caught on, it was very hard to correct!
Fuck = Truck … When my son gets really excited about seeing a truck, he’ll end up saying fuck instead of truck. Big Fuck, Fire Fuck, Daddy’s Fuck, Ice Cream Fuck, etc.
When my son was 3 (he’s 5 now), I made a list of some of my favorite mispronunciations of his…
Dinosaur = Dinosorn
Monsters = Monsterns
Accident = Ass-uh-dent
Noodles = Noonals
And both of my kids called a Refrigerator a “Fridge-a-later”. The 5yo still does sometimes. 😀
my 3 year old daughter calls camels “canimals”.
My daughter used to say Fuck instead of duck. She said it all the time & no amount of correcting her changed the way she said it.
“Mommy, look at all the tits (kids) and fucks (trucks)! So many tits and fucks!”
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“Look at my big dick (stick)! I have the biggest dick (stick) on the whole street!”
My 20 month old says Bull shit for blue shirt. You would not believe how many people wear blue. She ran around target yesterday saying “bull shit” every minute or so. I have a video as well.
Lmfao!!!
My two year old says “fwip fwops” (flip flops) and my now 5-year old says “lel-lo” for yellow. Both will frequently tell you that girls have big “boops” for feeding babies, and boys have little boops, because they don’t feed babies. Bubba and Daddy have a penis, and baby Asher has a “jina”.
My son used to say “i Fuck it in the mouth” he meant to say ” i farted in my mouth” which was his way of explaining a burp. We also got fuck for truck.
My 2 year old just started wearing flip flops…. Calls them “foo fucks”
And she calls robbers “roberts”
My two year old son just discovered clocks. So now anytime we’re in public and he spots one, he points and excitedly yells: “Cock!! Cock!! Cock!!”
Good times.
During a car trip, my mom and I spent a good 20 minutes trying to figure out what my 2 year old nephew was gleefully shouting in the backseat. It sounded like he was happily exclaiming “bull shit!” over and over. Finally his 4 year old brother provided the solution, he was telling us to “punch it” because he wanted us to drive faster.
Not too long after that someone cut my mom off in traffic and the same nephew chimed in with “Play chicken, Granna.” We were pretty sure he didn’t understand the concept of playing chicken while driving so we turned again to his brother who explained what he meant was “Pay attention, Granna.”
I should have sent one in! My daughter says “fuck” for fork. Kids
frisky = frizzy.
My daughter will comment on how frisky her hair gets when it is humid out.
Please don’t forget a fort is a f*ck. “Mommy let’s go hide in the f*ck!”
Umbrella = rainbrella
These ALWAYS crack me up and yes, toddler speak is too cute to correct! Here is a some recent one in my house: Big Truck = Big cock.
When my daughter was 3, she would call a fork a “fuck”.
My son calls “hotels” “hoe ‘n tells”. I think this is probably what the show & tells would be called at a pimp school if there was such a thing.
I am laughing so hard I cannot BREATH!
I love these SO much.
My oldest boy can’t say bridge, it always sounds like “b*tch”! “Crossing the b*tch, mommy!”
And my daughter calls Pocahontas “HonkaHonkas” which I find hilarious, and so of course I don’t correct her!
My 4 year old loves Golden Delicious apples, but he calls them “Golden Yummies”. Its the cutest thing.
My newphews used to say Crapped in instead of Captian. It was pretty hilarious when they were talking about the Crapped in underpants books.
My daughter who is a month older than Harlow has a very hard time with “chocolate”. People always laugh when she yells “Cock shit”
Me and my sisters used to tell my dad to “pull up his plants” instead of “pants” when he would bend over and we would see his butt crack. I’m not sure where that came from but it definitely stuck around for a long time.
She also calls her baby brothers penis a “pizza” but I don’t think you could put her pronunciation of that one to a picture…
My 20 month old calls cucumbers “keebumpers” and blueberries “Blue Babies.” He also went through a phase where he left the ‘l’ out of “clock” so it sounded like he was saying “cock!” I don’t miss that one!
While at the zoo recently the tour guide was telling us about antelope, and my 3 year old son looked up at me and asked, “Antelope or Cantaloupe?” Obviously we eat the melon more often than we see the antelope…
my 3 year old daughter calls “boogers” “noogers.” And she calls hello kitty “titty titty!”
Armadillo was turned into armadildo by my then 26 month old.
The list could go on and on, but my favorites are:
Kite = Kike :-/
Sleeping Beauty = Beeping Slooty
Cupcake = Pup-cake
Surprise = Cu-prise
Beautiful = Be-you-fa-lel
And my favorite?
Pepperoni = Pecker-roni!!
My now 5 y/o still calls those fancy water fountains “water mountains”. Just can’t get her to grasp it. Lol
My baby girl also did poon. She can’t do double conesenents. So flower used to be fower. So stinking cute. My favourite one though is that she calls umbrella’s cumbellas and ham cam.
My daughters was Calipidder for Catapillar. She also had her own version of America the Beautiful wherein “God Spread His Grease on Me”.
My niece called cake COCK. Still makes me laugh
Mh daughter used to call suckers/lollipops “suck its.” Initially we didn’t correct her, but when she started throwing tantrums in public saying, “I wanna suck it, I wanna sucker,” it became quite an embarrassment… Especially when my husband was alone with her and she’s say, “but you always let me have a suck it.” Thankfully she says the right word now!
Another good one is flamingos. For my daughter it has advance to ‘mingos but for a long time it was fingernails. I couldn’t understand why her favorite animal at the zoo was the fingernails or why Grandma loooooved fingernails so much!
My toddler can’t seem to say the “s” at the beginning of some words and she says a “p” instead. So “soap” becomes “pope” and “soup” becomes “poop”. I love it!
My 2 year old says “shart” for shark and “miltshit” for milkshake. I will be sad when she is finally able to pronounce everything correctly!
LOL!! My first son was VERY into Thomas the Train- his favorites were Dirty Percy ( oil covered Percy) which came out of his mouth as ” dirty pussy”, Fergus ” Fuckit” and Butch ” Bitch” . My stepson used to make him say all their names over and over again. I would almost burst trying not to laugh out loud each time. He also came home one day from my moms, telling me all about the ” black fuck on dick”. I could NOT figure out what he was trying to tell me, and he kept repeating it ” mommy! Black fuck on dick! Black fuck on dick”.. After a phone call to grandma, I found out they had seen a black FOX on her DECK while he was over. LMAO!
When I was little I called breakfast “breastfist.” And at the age of 27, I have yet to live down telling my family at the age of 4 that I don’t know the answer to something because “I’m not a genie (genius)”
My son when he was younger received a toy ‘dump truck’ but insisted that it was called a dumb fuck
When I was a preschool teacher I had a kid ask me during lunch if he could eat his “dookie.” trying to hold back laughs, I tried asking him again what he wanted to eat and he kept saying “dookie.” finally he pulled out his cookie from his lunch box.
Our three year old really wants to wear a zucchini (bikini) to swim lessons this summer!
Both my daughter and son have said:
fumb = thumb
thingers = fingers
extrasizie = exercise
My sister’s name is Christi, but neither of my kids could say her name and my daughter always heard me call her “Christi” but she would call her “Titty” Then she heard her cousins call her Momma, so she decided the best name for her was a combination of both, so she called her: “Titty Momma” That was always AWESOME when running errands out and about.
My nieces used to always call me Dodo = Jody
My little guy 18mo says “memis” for “penis”. Recently he came running into the kitchen saying “memis, memis, memis!” And pointing at his mouth. Took me a while to figure out that “memis” also means “raisins.”
Pencil Dick (Professor Duck on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)
wan wacuum = van vacuum (the professional cleaners that clean the rental house across the street)
My son used to say ‘baby soup’ for bathing suit also. And my husband’s cousin said ‘fuck’ for fork and my daughter still calls pretzels ‘prentsils’. These had me cracking up.
My three year old asked when dad was going to fix the “schrucking garage door”. I started watching my language after that!
Oh, and Fuck n Socks instead of Fox in Socks. We want the fuck (instead of funk).
My neice called lipstick, “lip dicks” for the longest time. To make matters worse, she left a pause in between the two words and it added emphasis on what she was actually saying!
Yay for Ambulions! Thanks for including that, it made me smile when I saw it :).
moojie = movie
Hocaponus = Pocahontas
Snow White and the Seven Doors
The Little Normaid
Bandaid = Bambi
F*ckie = Froggie (*that* was fantastic hollered at toddler volume levels in the store!)
Grapey = blankie
Zwebras = zebras
Mapkin = napkin
Squirrel Gouts = Girl Scouts
Bap-kack = backpack (and used to be pack-pack
Teleeve = TV
My *favorite* though, was when my little one was nursing. Nursing was ‘mems’ and she would stand in front of me and “mem-mem-mem-mem” when she was hungry, and my name was Mem-ah. So precious.
My 4 year old calls antelopes “cantelopes” and flamingos “mangos”. I refuse to correct him, its too cute! Needless to say our visits to the zoo are pretty entertaining 🙂 Love your blog, SO SO funny and endearing and one of the highlights of my day. thank you!
My 2 yr old also says dick-oo-lous for ridiculous. But my current favorite is pull-nozer for bulldozer! For some reason he calls computers peepee’s, until the other day, he came very close to it with ca-pooter. I was sad when he did, as I will be when all of these get “fixed”.
He also kept shouting turtles and bugs when I was standing in line at the deli counter a few months back. The bugs I figured out quickly, the lobsters in the tank. Turtles had me stumped and I finally figured out that the hunks of deli meat were turtle shells!
Love, love, love these posts, I cry from laughing so hard!
I used to call mayonnaise “man eggs”. My mom let this continue for entirely too long.
My son calls coffee cockie. And my daughter yells die on the top of her lungs whenever she says bye. Nothing better than a 1 year old yelling die on the top of her lungs with a giant smile on her face!
When my 2 yr old was a little younger, he would just point at the TV when he wanted to watch. We would ask him, “Do you want to watch a show?” Now, when he wants to watch TV, he points at the TV and yells, “Shoes!”
According to my 4-year old son, an octopus’s TENTACLES are pronounced like this: “testicles.” He was telling me about a party decoration (an octopus with long tentacles) and he told me that “it’s testicles go all the way to the floor!”
My nephew used to pronounce chips as “bitch”. We all thought it was hilarious until he would see them in the grocery store and start yelling, “BITCH!!”
My daughter once pointed at the freckles on my arm and called them boogers
My 8 year old used to call her blanket a “bank-a-let” and her eyes were her “ass”
my four year old still calls the trampoline a “jumpoline” and a truck was a “fuck”
and my 2 year old (all girls) calls hamburgers “hanky-boogers”
oh, and we had a Boxer named Phoenix that all of our children, nieces and nephews have called “Penis”
Oh! And my 8 year old love the song Uptown Funk
but she always says “Up Town Funky-wop, uptown funkywop” instead of Uptown Funk you up
Current favorite from my 3 year old daughter … Cheese pop = Chapstick
Hahaha! My son says poon for spoon too! And dumb dicks for drumsticks. 🙂
Here’s a warning not to let your child play with Siri on your iPhone! My daughter is 7 and likes to ask Siri, “What does the fox say?” because Siri will give different answers from the song. One day in the car my daughter sang to Siri, “What does the fox say?” in a funny voice and Siri misunderstood her…Siri replied, “Now, now!” in a scolding tone. My daughter then read the question as it appeared on the screen, which was, “What does the f&*k say?”. As my husband and I looked at each other in disbelief, our daughter asked, “So, what does f&*k mean?”. My husband responded, “We’ll tell you when you get older!” Who knew Siri would chide people for swearing? LOL!
For a while my little kids used to call maple syrup “nipple rise” ! Hahah don’t know where that came from especially since they don’t know how to speak English yet!
My son used to call basketball poop ball aka hoop ball
My daughter used to call the rocking chair “rocky-boo,” and my sister was “Ah-Kiki” (Aunt Katy). Now at 2.5, chocolate is “cockit” and anything vaguely star-shaped is a “tinkle sar” (twinkle star).
At about 18 months my daughter and I were scrubbing out our new above could hot tub. It was very slippery and I told her to be careful. After a few minutes she started saying “fuck you fuck you” I freaked out!! She had just spent the weekend with my parents and my aunt and my aunt slips sometimes. Turns out she was thinking she was saying “be careful.” We had some fun at dads baseball games when them umpire would make really bad calls. We would tell her to go tell him to be careful. lol. Coffee was also fuckie
My daughter calls an elevator “the alligator”. So stinking cute. “Mommy are we going to take the Alligator?”
My daughters, princess = penis
remote control= mote in a troll