As much as I hate getting stuck on the phone with a robotic voice every time I try to call the cable company, I understand why it’s a necessary evil. I mean, they can’t possibly have a real person field millions of random requests and complaints 24 hours a day!

Hmmm…. who else does that? Oh right! Moms.

Wouldn’t it be nice if moms could set up our own automated menu to sort through the constant demands from our kids? To decide which ones are legitimate requests in need of real live help and which ones can be answered just as easily by a robot?

Here’s what it would sound like:

Ring, ring, ring…

Thank you for calling your mother. Your call is very important to me…unless I haven’t had coffee yet, in which case back away slowly and try your call again later. I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, but considering I’m probably busy cleaning your pee off the bathroom floor or washing the laundry you crammed between your bed and the wall, I’m doing the best I can. Please listen carefully to the following menu; your issue will be resolved in the order in which it was received, provided no one drops the phone in the toilet before then.

If you want mac and cheese, press 1.

If you want mac and cheese but I’ve basically ruined your life by serving it to you in the wrong bowl, please press 1 really hard and hold it down until I get you a new bowl or go insane, whichever comes first.

Press 2 if you’re going to ask me to do something you are perfectly capable of doing yourself, but you just don’t want to get up.

If we’re leaving the house and you insist on wearing a Halloween costume, the same outfit you’ve worn the previous 364 days in a row, please press 3 and then just get in the car anyway, because I don’t even care anymore.

For a complete list of reasons why Yes, you are going to school today, so hurry up and find your shoes, press 4.

Press 5 if you think your sibling got more dessert, attention, or screen time than you and life isn’t fair.

If your socks are uncomfortable, please press 6 repeatedly while emitting a long series of whining noises.

If you just saw a commercial for a toy you can’t live without, please hang up and look in your toy chest to see all the other toys you barely play with that you also once thought you HAD TO HAVE.

Please press 7 if you want to take a bath but only to splash around and play with toys and then get mad at me when I try to actually clean your body with soap or wash your hair.

Press 8 if it is after bedtime and you need a drink, think you heard a noise, forgot to do your homework, or just remembered something really, really super duper important you need to tell me which is actually just 47 “ums” followed by “I forget.”

For all cartoon and video game-related monologues over 20 minutes, please leave a message after the tone, which I will pretend to listen to while daydreaming about taking a bubble bath behind a locked door.

If you are a parent wishing to schedule a play date, please press 9.

If you are a parent wishing to schedule a play date and you’re bringing a bottle of wine, please come straight over immediately.

If you are calling from my child’s school to inform me about a current lice outbreak, please hang up and never call this number again.

Thank you again for your call. For all other matters. please press # and you will be automatically connected to your father.

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This post was written by Robyn Welling. To read more from Robyn, visit Hollow Tree Ventures.

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