I think it was about a year and a half ago. And I never wrote about it because I felt so awful and embarrassed. But then yesterday, someone started a thread in the “Remarkably Average Parents” facebook group about losing their kid in a crowd. Other parents chimed in about similar experiences and I realized it happens to everyone. Or at least the “remarkably average” amongst us.
I actually got off easy. Why? Because I didn’t even realize Harlow was missing until a total stranger brought her back over to me in tears.
Let me take a few steps back…
We were at the Chowder festival in Southampton. It takes place in the middle of town on a big lawn with a huge tent filled with chowder stations, participating restaurants and judges. It’s really meant for adults, but outside the tent they have kid-friendly activities like face painting and crafts. There’s also a band shell with performances on one side, a playground on the other, an adjoining pond with boat rides and tons of food trucks lined up. Let’s just say, there is a lot going on. And it’s crowded with people of all sizes, walking in every direction.
Since Mazzy and Harlow are not interested in chowder, Mike and I were taking turns going into the tent to sample soup while the other parent watched the kids. When it was my turn to watch them, Mazzy and Harlow wanted to get their faces painted. We must have stood on that line for over an hour. It was some pretty intricate face painting so each kid was taking forever. Mazzy went first. My sister was there with her kids so when she was done, Mazzy ran off to play with them in the playground. Then Harlow was up. My dad was there also (it was a family affair) and while Harlow was busy getting her face painted, he introduced me to two people from Germany who were interested in discussing my blog. My dad is always talking me up to someone.
We started chatting. One of the men was a publisher who had recently become a dad and he was asking me questions about my book. It had just come out and I guess there was a lot to talk about. Oh look, my dad even brought a copy! (Of course he did.)
We were standing right next to the face painter the whole time, a little off to the side from where we were originally, so as not to look like we were still in line. I guess I was turned away from Harlow while I was chatting, so when her face was finished, she didn’t see me. I didn’t see that she was done either. So, I imagine she did as most children would do when they think they have been completely abandoned by their mother— go into complete panic mode and then run off into the crowds to find her.
I have no idea how long she thought she was lost. I was just standing there, still lost in conversation. It could have been five minutes. It could have been twenty seconds. Definitely not longer than six minutes. I would have noticed. I think.
Anyway, my conversation was interrupted by a heartbreaking cry. It sounded familiar. I turned around and there was Harlow, running over to me with the most terrified look on her face, her hand in another woman’s hand.
“Oh sweetie! Are you okay? Did you think you were lost?”
She burst into tears. Like big convulsing tears. She was shaking and tiny and the saddest I have ever seen her.
“She didn’t know where you were,” the woman explained.
I thanked her and tried to explain that I was right there the whole time. I never walked away. I just took my eyes off her. “I would never just leave you, Harlow!” I assured her. But, of course, none of that mattered. Not to the woman. Not to Harlow. I was just trying to justify my own actions. Which made me feel like a total failure as a parent to all involved.
I never told anyone except Mike.
But a year and a half later, in a facebook group, when someone shared their own feelings of failure after losing a child for a few minutes, it felt more like a parental rite of passage.
That time I thought I lost my kid. Everyone has got a story. What’s yours?
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If you want to join my new Remarkably Average Parents Facebook group, click here!
I haven’t lost my kid. Yet. I have a friend who has shared with me how furious she gets when she finds lost kids in the market, or where ever. I was shocked at how angry she got over it, and how supremely proud of herself that she’d never lost her 9 year old. And I had to sit there, and subtly disagree with her, which she didn’t like. Kids take off in a flash. A flash of excitement. Or panic. And parents are human. I have never heard of a lost-child incident and found someone to blame. There’s no one to blame. I don’t think. What I’m trying to say is: It takes a lot of humility to share such a parenting blow. And I’m glad you did.
Aw this thought tears to my eyes. That tears and the fear you explain just got my heart! I haven’t listened mine either. Yet. I totally agree it can happen to anyone. Maybe I shouldn’t say i haven’t lost mine because I’ve definitely had those moments of sheer panic when they’ve left my sight for just a little too long. Kids are so fast, and can disappear so so fast! Thank you for being brave and sharing.
When my sister was younger my parents lost her in Sears. They turned their back for a minute and she hid in one of the clothing racks. My parents alerted the manager and they ended up closing the gates so she couldn’t get out to the mall. Apparently everyone was looking for her and a worker finally found her playing dress up and blowing kisses to herself in a dressing room mirror. Needless to say my parents were embarrassed and my sister was in a lot of trouble.
When I was in middle school I came back from camp and my mom forgot to pick me up. Luckily I was friends with the pastors younger sister and they too me home, where my mom was getting out of her car. She had taken my sister out to lunch and swore that I wasn’t supposed to be home until the next day!
We lost our 2,5 years old in a supermarket . We wee busy buying fruits and vegetables, until I noticed my husband was alone I asked him where our son was and he said “is he not with you?!” That was it, lost in a supermarket during a vacation in a foreign country.We immediately started tu run and look for him everywhere, and All I could think of was of a stranger picking him up and leave (worst case scenario of course!).We felt so guilty, especially when we asked the help of the security the man told us “you lost a 2 year old?!”. We found him 5 minutes later happily walking around with his shopping cart…how awful it was!
When I was seven years old I got lost after a bathroom break in Disney World. I was a chronically shy child on holiday to the US from Scotland, so I was too afraid to tell anyone that I was lost because I thought they wouldn’t understand my accent. I wound up spending two hours wandering around the Magic Kingdom searching for my mum and the rest of our family, who’d all split up and gotten lord knows how many park employees involved in trying to find me! Eventually I was found outside of Splash Mountain by one of the employees and safely returned to my family! Its now thirteen years later and my mum is still mortified by the whole event!
It was the last weekend before Christmas and we were shopping at the mall with our three kids. I had the youngest in a stroller and my husband had the oldest with him. We both thought the other one had the middle child. Not true. Once we met up and realized that he was missing (he was 2), I stayed in the area where we last saw him and my husband began going through the mall looking. It was horrible! It felt like hours and hours. Finally, at the opposite end of the mall, my husband saw a policeman carrying our son and coming toward him. All was ok, my son was found just looking at all the elaborate Christmas decorations. As the policeman handed him to my husband, my son says, “Look dad, the policeman didn’t even shoot me!” So, there’s that. Embarrassment heaped on top of mortification.
We lost our 2.5yr old at HOME! I was inside in the kitchen. My husband was talking to our neighbor in our backyard. Apparently he didn’t hear me tell him that our kid was outside in the backyard too. About 15mins later I peeked out the window and didn’t see her. I go out and ask him where she is and he goes “she was outside?” Needless to say he got the look and all 3 of us adults started looking for her. backyard, front yard, in the house, neighbors …. everywhere. In the midst of all this drama, we see a man walk across our yard with our kid!!!! Apparently, my kid decided to take a walk on the street. A neighbor few doors down saw her, recognized her as belonging to our house and brought her back. I shudder every time I think about all the things that could have gone wrong that day.
We have lost our older son twice very briefly, once in a children’s museum, once in a very large library, and it is horrifying. Our younger son is way more of a runner with no self preservation instincts, so we are just waiting for the day when he bolts. I never thought I would want to put my kid on a leash, but I feel like I might need to with him for my own sanity.
I thought I lost my youngest son at my older son’s baseball game once. Since we weren’t in a crowded area and he was missing, my mind went into complete panic mode that he was actually taken rather than just lost. My sister in law found him behind the other teams bleachers. He was luckily never scared but my entire family was terrified for about 2 minutes.
So, I lost mine at home once. Sort of. It was February, so it was still getting dark really early, but it was one of those weird midwestern winter warm spells where it was like 70 degrees. We got home from school and I turned the kids loose in the backyard to play. They were overjoyed, since it was the first time in months that they had gotten to enjoy the yard. I sat outside for a bit but then went inside to start dinner (my husband was gone for work at the time). I started dinner, washed out lunch boxes, repacked lunch boxes, changed a load of laundry…. Took dinner out of the oven, set the table, then called the kids to dinner. Only I forgot they were outside. I frantically ran from one end of the house to the other, top to bottom. Literally had my hand on the phone to call the police. Then I remembered that they were outside playing. In what was now pitch black winter darkness. And had been for over an hour! They thought it was hilarious, but I was mortified. I think it was a year later that I finally told my husband.
I’ve been there, the first time i can remember was when I went to a consignment sale in a warehouse with my son who was about four at the time. I was looking at clothing and didn’t notice that he wandered away. He had been playing in the clothing racks so i walked through all the racks and called and called him. I was by myself so i got pretty scared. Thankfully it wasn’t too crowded and finally saw him playing over at the toy cars and bikes. I’m thankful that my older son has always stuck to my side so i have have only had to worry about the younger one.
A few months ago, we stopped by a sporting goods store. I took my 6 year old to look at shoes and my husband took the 3 year told to the opposite end to look at camping supplies. The store had long aisles (think suburban grocery store-type aisles). My 6 year old runs to the end of one swears she sees dad and takes off. I, at the other end, decide to stay on my side and go around the corner to tell her to stop. Too late, she had already disappeared. I go down all the aisles looking for her and turn around to my husband with her and the 3 year old. It was maybe 2 minutes and she was frightened. Pit in my stomach feeling.
Another story… I didn’t lose her, but the same child (now 6, then at age 3)… She has always been a runner. I was 6+ months pregnant. Husband was running a marathon that said about 20K+ people (between runners, volunteers, spectators). I had this horrible feeling that she was going to run and I couldn’t catch her in the sea of people, so I bought one of those harnesses. Lots of looks, but worth my sanity.
The worst time was when we lost our 3rd child at a hotel pool. He was 3 and a half. I thought he went into the changing room with my husband and 6 year old son. I was in the changing rooms with our daughter. When I came out and then they came out, we realized that he wasn’t with either of us. We found him quickly, just standing next to the lazy river nearby. It was terrifying, as he could have drowned, with no-one to watch him. Or someone could have taken him. Even worse we then lost him again upstairs in the hotel. We were with my brother and his girlfriend and I went across the hall to their room. Our son was supposed to stay with Dad in our room, but he followed me out into the hall and then didn’t see where I went. We found him pretty quickly in the halls, but it was so scary.
My parents lost me in a Home Depot when I was about 2. They shut down the whole store, but I turned out to be sitting on a bottom shelf right about 2 feet away.
I say our youngest is why they invented child leashes. While we’ve never actually used one, when she was younger she was a runner, and we had several instances where she’d jut out into traffic or get lost in a store. It happened at an Old Navy once when I was helping her sister try on clothes, and we were incredibly lucky another mother helped find her while I searched and her dad stayed at the front door.
Ugh… I lost my child once too. I don’t remember what my husband was doing, but he was home that day. My 5 and 2 year old was watching a movie in the living room while I cleaned up a bit. I took the trash out, closing the door behind me. I seen our neighboors pull into the drive. My neighbor was in the hospital for about a week and I wanted to stop by and say Hi and that I was happy she was home etc. I was gone for about 5 minuets. When I walked back to my home, the front door was locked. Then my 5 year old unlocked the door – her eyes were as big as saucers. Turns out my little guy followed me out but went the opposite direction – the direction of the garbage truck!!!! The man driving the truck seen my son and brought him back to my house, where my daughter quickly locked the door. When I asked my daughter why she didn’t go after her brother, she replied “I didn’t feel like putting on my shoes” i still feel panicked about that whole day. I gave our garbage guy heart felt card with a gift card. Ugh.
Mine was after my daughter’s first dance recital when she was 3 or 4. The parents were supposed to wait at the edge of the stage and the teachers were supposed to bring the little one’s to their parents. We waited and waited, and then waited some more, never seeing my daughter come out on the stage. The teachers started looking backstage and in the green room, but she wasn’t anywhere. All of a sudden, I hear “Hi Mommy!” I turned around and there was my daughter, holding my Dad’s hand. She had somehow gotten off the stage, walked through the crowded auditorium, and found my parents who were waiting for us way at the back by the doors. I still have no idea how she got past the teachers and us to get off the stage, but she did it. My stomach was in knots!
It hasn’t happened to me (yet) but when I was about 3 we were picking relatives up from JFK. Their plane was late or we were early, whatever, my Dad was occupying me by walking around the airport. We were in a crowded elevator and when the door opened my dad got off thinking I was right behind him. But…I wasn’t. There were too many people and the door closed before I could get off. So, my dad lost me. At JFK. In the international terminal. When I was 3.
I was approached by a woman who only spoke French, and then by a very large police officer. My dad must have raced up the stairs and found me shortly after, but it felt like an eternity.
Years later? Funny family story, no residual trauma 🙂
I got lost, I think at a Mall – I was so scared, I still remember that moment of fear and how relieved I was to find my mom! It happens to everyone!
I’ve lost my oldest (4yo daughter) twice and never lost my 1.5yo son. The first time I lost my daughter was when my family was hosting a yard sale and I thought I could manage the sale and my child at the same time. The sale got really busy and I lost my daughter. After a few minutes of people trying to help me, we found her on my neighbor’s back porch. The worst was when I lost her at church after Bible study one day. She had wandered down the children’s wing while I was talking and after a few minutes of her not coming back, I decided I should go see what destruction was probably happening, envisioning that she was making a mess of the toys. I went to where I thought she’d be – no luck. I went up and down the hall calling her name – nothing. I grabbed a friend (there were very few adults there because most everyone had left already) and we both started going all over the church, calling for her and looking for her. Another adult joined and went outside to see if she went to the playground or was wandering out there. After a long search (where I was seriously fighting back the panic) my friend found her in the nursery in the play tunnel. Being still and quiet were not her strengths, so I am still amazed that she pulled it off for that long. I had been in that room about 6 feet away from her, calling her name, and got no response. What she tells me at the end: “Well, Mommy, you should have looked in the tunnel.”
Ugh! We were at the mall last week. The play area is in the middle of the mall, but some enterprising person decided that a Build-a-Bear Workshop should be located right next to it. Zoë and Olivia were playing. I was on the wall outside trying to keep an eye on both of them. I saw Zoë leave the play area and head to the BaBW. I stopped her, but in my haste to catch her I did not tell Olivia. Zoë has grabbed a My Little Pony (Starlight Glimmer) and I was trying to negotiate with this little terrorist to put it back without a meltdown. I glanced back at the play area and notice Olivia putting on her shoes and she had big tears that started rolling.
I called her and she came running over. I hugged her and apologized that I should have told her before I ran after Zoë. Needless to say, overcome with guilt I spent $90 at BaBW. I really hate that place with all the up selling. Why does a bear need shoes and three outfits!
I lost my 5 year old son at a children’s museum while trying to keep track of three kids at once. When I realized he had switched stations I circled the place for at least 15 minutes with no sign of him. I really started freaking out imagining he had left with someone or was in the bathroom with a pedifile. I found him a few minutes later playing happily and completely unconcerned about where I might be.
I have not lost my child (yet!) – she’s only 1.5 so we’ve got lots of time for that to happen. But in high school my Key Club was volunteering at the local Special Olympics and we were put in teams of 2 and given an Olympian to escort for the day – our job was to make sure they got to their events when they were happening, and in between hang out, dance, do crafts, etc. My friend and I were charged with an Olympian who wanted no part of the athletic events and only wanted to boogie down on the dance floor! At one point, he told us he had to go to the bathroom, so being two girls we waited outside of the restroom for him. After about 10 minutes, we sent a male classmate in to look for him – and he was GONE! That little stinker snuck out of the bathroom, ditched his security detail (us!), and made his way to the dance floor where we found him happily doing the twist. I don’t know whats worse – losing your own child or losing someone else’s kid!
When my daughter was 2 I took her and her 3 year old brother to a park with his son’s preschool group. He had to go potty, so I asked another mom if she could watch my daughter. She said, “Yes, of course. No problem.” When I returned 10 minutes later, I asked where my daughter was and the mom looked surprised and said, “Who? Isn’t she with you?”
We searched in the woods around the playground for 20 minutes. I recruited every stranger walking the trails. I called 911. I was frantic. I was dragging my son around, screaming for my daughter.
Thank God, a kind stranger found my daughter a quarter mile down a trail in the forest.
Now I’m an anxious mess anytime someone watches my daughter, whether it’s my husband, babysitter, or teacher. I avoid playgrounds, much to my husband’s frustration. I never ask another parent to watch my kids. It was an experience that changed how I parent because the tangible threat of losing a child created an unrelenting hyper-vigilance in me.