This past week has been a tough one for many women. Alabama’s abortion ban was passed by the state legislature and Georgia quickly followed suit. Missouri also has a ban in the works and we should not forget the numerous states who signed heartbeat bills throughout the year, like Kentucky, Ohio, and Mississippi. Many of those bills are currently being argued in court.
The Alabama ban is particularly terrifying because it bans almost all abortions in the state, with no exceptions for cases of rape or incest. Under the proposed bill, doctors would not be able to perform the procedure once a fetus is “in utero.” This also raises serious questions about what would happen if a woman miscarried, requiring a D&E. You can read more about whether a miscarriage could land a woman in jail over at the Washington Post. I also find it interesting that eggs in a lab do not count, suggesting that really this is not about when life is believed to first be present, but more about penalizing women.
The Georgia law will ban abortions after a doctor is able to detect “a fetal heartbeat in the womb,” usually at about six weeks, before many women know they are pregnant. Like Alabama, it explicitly states that doctors who perform abortions will be prosecuted. The bill is more vague about the prosecution (or non-prosecution) of women.
Many women, myself included, are rightfully furious about this new trend in state governments. Over the weekend, I read something on twitter that said— remember when you broke down sobbing the night of the election? This is why. You knew they were coming for us.
One in four women has had an abortion, which seems to be in sharp contrast to the limited number of stories you might hear, but that’s mainly because there is so much shame attached with the procedure. In reaction to the new laws being signed, there has been an outpouring of personal stories by women online, detailing the many reasons they made that decision for themselves. Last week, Busy Phillipps admitted to having an abortion on her show and then started the #youknowme hashtag to give other women a larger platform to speak out. She is trying to get people to realize that even though you think you don’t know anyone who has had an abortion, statistics say that’s not true. In reality, you probably know many women.
“Part of what I think was so successful in getting people motivated and men on board with the #MeToo movement was hearing from women about their personal stories, ” Busy told the New York Times. “Abortion has been, historically speaking, a very taboo subject that women have a hard time talking about publicly, because it’s such a personal decision. The anti-abortion people in this country are so vocal, and for all of those reasons I think women have remained silent. And I felt like, well, maybe there’s actually value in sharing. We need to be as loud as they are, but with the truth. That’s the only thing we have. For me it includes people standing up and saying, ‘I am that one in four.’ It doesn’t matter why, when, or how old you were. ‘You know me, you like me, and I went through this.’ I think there’s something super empowering about being able to shift the narrative and being able to have a ton of people say, ‘I’ve also gone through this thing.”
I applauded Busy’s bravery on @mommyshortssquad, but then had mixed feelings reading through everyone’s various experiences and wondering what I would feel comfortable sharing personally. After all, sharing is not just about putting your story out there on a social platform for large scale public consumption, it is also sharing private details with friends, family, and co-workers. That’s the thing about abortion. Women often keep those experiences private from even their closest friends.
Someone forwarded me a tweet from Amy Westervelt that really helped me understand what I was feeling. It said, “oh hey yay it’s that time again for women to open up all their wounds and secrets to persuade you that we are humans deserving of basic rights.” Yes, THAT. It’s a sad place we are in that people don’t trust women to do what’s right for our own bodies and wellbeing. Whether or not you had an abortion, what your reasons were and if you feel compelled to share your story— it is all your choice and nobody else’s business.
I also read many women calling for men to share their #youknowme stories. After all, women do not get pregnant by themselves. Many men have encouraged abortions, paid for abortions and benefitted from them. The current President included.
To take it a step further, I suggest reading this viral twitter thread written by Gabrielle Blair about how men cause 100% of unwanted pregnancies. It’s a fascinating read that makes a very powerful argument for the placement of responsibility to be shifted. She’s even got a full proof idea for pregnancy prevention.
Here’s a hint:
I know there are many women who follow my various accounts who do not believe what I do. Some are vocal about it and some are not. I have been encouraged by a few women who have come forward to say that while they disagree with abortion personally, they do not believe that anybody else has the right to tell a woman what they do with their own body. I would argue that this stance is precisely what being “pro-choice” means. You get to believe what you want and nobody gets to dictate your choices. The term “pro-life” was coined purposefully by social conservatives to make people on the left seem “anti-life” or “pro-abortion,” when neither is true. I can guarantee you that abortion is almost always a painful choice and a last option, even for women who staunchly defend a pro-choice stance.
There was a time when I thought I understood the beliefs of “pro-life” groups, even though I disagreed with them. Now I see the hypocrisy that often comes with that position. Maybe not by everyone, but certainly in the realm of politics and with the people enacting these laws. The same people in government who say they are “pro-life” also believe that gun laws trump child safety in schools, in caging migrant children, and in stripping our healthcare system. They don’t support domestic violence prevention programs, expanded family leave policies, equal pay for women or environmental protections that will help future generations. They also do nothing to prevent unwanted pregnancies, even when there are so many initiatives they could support with proven results, like funding sex education in schools and access to affordable birth control.
I have been very vocal on social media about my opinions and as a result, I have gotten a lot of support and a predictable backlash. For the record, people who unfollow me based on my beliefs are not my people. I do not miss them and I do not want them. But I do believe there are a lot of nuances to these discussions and I have appreciated reading comments from a few followers who say their opinions are evolving as the motivations of those behind the new laws become clearer.
I also believe that when I make a political statement on social media, it is not really for the benefit of my supporters or detractors in the comment section, who are both already firm in their opinions. It is for the people who are reading, forming their opinions and most likely, never comment at all. I have gotten many direct messages over the years from women (mainly younger) who have told me that reading my thoughts has helped them formulate their own opinions, which might be different from their families, their churches or immediate communities. I have also gotten private messages from women who haven’t told anyone about something they have been through and now feel less alone. It is for those people who I will continue to voice my opinion.
On Friday, I got a direct message saying “thank you” from someone who had gotten an abortion earlier that same day. She said that although she has no shame in her decision and has the support of her husband and mother, who drove her to the appointment, she still pulled up to a clinic surrounded by protestors and had to walk past them as they screamed that she was murderer. She broke down in tears, as I imagine many of us would. Can you imagine how it would feel to walk through that mob without your mother by your side or the support of your family? It must be awful.
Yesterday, after posting a pro-choice sentiment on @mommyshorts, someone commented, “I’m really upset that I have to unfollow. I can’t handle seeing messages in my feed openly promoting the murder of precious innocent children. Why do they not deserve the same human right everyone else gets? It pains me a lot. And yes I know it takes two to get pregnant. Two individuals who both need to step up to the responsibility. Don’t have sex if you can’t deal with what comes next.”
Rather than block or ignore, I chose to respectfully challenge her way of thinking. If she has followed me for awhile and is upset about unfollowing, perhaps she would listen. My response was:
“I would encourage you to think about why someone you like and trust believes something so differently from you. I would also encourage you to think of circumstances that go beyond your own sexual experiences. I would ask that you look at the laws being signed and try to really understand the implications. Also, take a deep dive into why the same people who say they are pro-life do so little for living women and children. And lastly, know that I accept your right to not have an abortion.”
I don’t know if she read it or gave it a second thought, but I feel confident that at least one person did. And that’s another reason why I will continue to speak my mind, even when some people don’t want to hear it.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I will continue to be vocal is because I have two daughters. These laws might not affect me, but they will affect them, especially if this is just the tip of the iceberg for the war on women. It’s a scary time to be raising kids. And I want my readers to know that I am paying attention. I’m up late at night worrying about what the future holds for my children, just like they are. Just like you are.
You can follow me on @mommyshorts and @mommyshortssquad where I will continue to stand up for what I believe is right.
I am grateful to you specifically, and in general to other mommy bloggers, to other bloggers and social media at large to opening my eyes to life experiences that are beyond my own and beyond what I would interact with within my family and local community. I believe it’s made me more empathetic and a better citizen of this world. I know that the change in me has made a change in my spouse and what we teach our children. I know the change in me has made a change (even if small) in my parents and my in-laws.
Thank you for offering your opinions with love, even when they are fueled by anger and fear.
Wonderfully said ❤️
Perfectly expressed. Thank you for being strong enough to stand up and speak out in support of what you support. Many people in the public eye wouldn’t take that risk, but it makes me admire you that much more.
I love that you are strong in your beliefs and not afraid to speak out. I think it shows a lot of personal growth on your part that you have become so much bolder in these things in the last few years. Don’t stop. We need people that aren’t afraid to speak.
Thank you for fighting for all human rights. As a mother of two boys, I am hoping that they will be the kind of men to stand up and say we are all people and we all deserve the best from each other.
As a woman who chose not to have an abortion during two of my pregnancies even though the powers that be thought it would be in my best interest (they were wrong) I am terrified about what’s happening in this country. In my case, the first time abortion was suggested to me I was in my 20’s and had my almost 2 year old with me. The caretaker assumed I was younger and probably unmarried and wouldn’t be able to take care of two babies. The second time was during my 5th pregnancy when my youngest had Down Syndrome markers on ultrasound. I was advised to have amniocentesis that same week so I would still have time to terminate if he did. I didn’t and said if he has DS then so be it. He doesn’t have it, but, MY CHOICE would have been to have him regardless. I know people who have had abortions for many reasons, that quite frankly are not my story to tell. I know it was a harder choice for some than for others, but, in the end it was what they felt was necessary and right. Most importantly it was THEIR CHOICE! Nobody who has not been in the position to CONTEMPLATE or NEED an abortion should tell someone else that she can’t have one! Nobody who has religious beliefs against abortion should tell someone else she can’t have one. Those people are ARE NOT GOD. HE gave everyone a free will! If you don’t believe in abortion don’t have one! That is YOUR CHOICE. Just as much as it was my right TO CHOSE not to have an abortion all woman have a right TO CHOSE to do what they want to do. It should not even be an issue. It’s nobody’s business least of all the governments.
I love how you write your opinion posts. They are informative and thoughtful. They are not pushy and you fully admit you will listen to all sides.
Keep writing about the sensitive topics. Write them just like this.
I may not agree with you on everything, but I always enjoy your well thought out point of view.
Forget the haters and Nay-sayers. This is your blog. You do you.
How sad it is to see what’s going on in the US a year after a very similar law had been overwhelmingly overturned by people’s referendum in Ireland. It was the first time I voted as an Irish, and the first time I cried from joy knowing the results. It’s even sadder to see, that at the time time the US is the only of the two countries in the world without a paid parental leave, and it doesn’t seem like people mind it too much. I would personally never do an abortion, but it sickens me to think, that I wouldn’t have had an option. Unfortunately seems like Gilead is close than we think…
I appreciate this thoughtful post, but i also feel sad reading, “…are not my people. I do not miss them and I do not want them.”
That is the epitome of closed-minded. It’s confusing to me to see liberal politics promoting freedom of religion, welcoming people of different cultures, but absolutely closing the door to people who have different ideologies.
I am pro-life and I would love to engage in civil conversation about it, but any time I try to start a conversation I get attacked. That’s just not the way to promote ideas, even if you are upset by the someone else’s ideas.
I grew up in a very, very conservative, poor, rural area. There are a lot of racist people in my hometown. I do not agree with them. But it isn’t effective to throw expletives at them. I just don’t understand what it’s tolerated. And saying, “you are only my people if you agree with everything I agree with” isn’t progressive, either.
I read it as she’s saying if they are unfollowing because they can’t be open to other people’s opinions and ideas then she won’t miss them. They unfollowed her because they are being closed minded and not open to others choices and opinions.
For me I feel like being pro-choice is being pro-life as well. Why does anyone get to tell ANYONE what they can and can’t do with their bodies?! Don’t want an abortion? Don’t get one! I personally don’t think I would make that choice, but I also pray I never have to be in that position. I do on the other hand want everyone to have control about what happens to their body and their life! I have one daughter and two sons and I’m scared for them all – they should all get a choice and even my sons get to support women in their life with whatever choice they make. This is just so scary and sad.
This is so well stated. I’m really fearful of the future of this country and the world in general the way things have been going lately. Even within my own family these are taboo subjects. Maybe If I am brave enough someday I can use your posts to accurately express to my family how I feel and not be offensive or overly emotional.
I read your article because you said it was going to be fair, and yet it wasn’t. So disappointing. You took the exact leftest extreme side, with several un-truths. Not original at all. I thought you were going to provide a balanced, more the truth is between the two extreme pendulum swings approach. Alas same oh same oh.
Thank you. There is so much nuance. A favorite quote from a favorite author: “But what if absolute consistency on any issue from the left or right, religious or secular, is an indication of mediocre intelligence and a lack of intellectual honesty? What if the world is a complex place? What if leadership requires flexibility? What if ideology is a bad substitute for common sense? What if ideological consistency, let alone “purity,” is a sign of small-mindedness, maybe even stupidity?” (Frank Schaeffer). I thought I was pro-life for a long time. And I am in the sense that it’s a terrible choice to have to make and I believe it should be avoided at all costs. I don’t think I’d do it (and thankfully am privileged and blessed enough, I’ve never really been faced with the need to decide). But I understand that not everyone’s experience is mine. There’s a lot of nuance (for example – at 6 weeks it’s not a fetus at all – and doesn’t actually have a “heart” in the sense of an actual fully functioning organ. It’s all a gray area. And so I want the government to lay off. Encourage people to not have abortions (or not need them) by actually punishing rapists, funding sex education, providing free birth control (thanks Obama!), providing state-assisted childcare, provide paid maternity leave (or joint parental leave – partner could stay home instead if that’s what works best), etc. And I realized that that makes me pro-choice, like you said above. I’m not pro-abortion. Thank you for providing a very honest and fair opinion on this. We need more voices like yours.
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I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I encounter a blog that’s
both educative and engaging, and without a doubt, you’ve
hit the nail on the head. The problem is something which
not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy
I found this during my search for something regarding this.